Feeling Isolated

I am 26 weeks pregnant with b/g twins thanks to our 1st IVF cycle. Feeling a bit isolated because my friends have one (or more) different age children and they say that they had a hard time with one and can't imagine two and that comment is starting to make me feel alone. They keep comparing their experiences with me and that is fine but they complain so much how hard it was (or is) to have one and they feel 'bad' that I am going to have two.

I have been good at ignoring comments up till now. I can't seem to shake how these things are making me feel. I tell them I won't know the difference about having two (compared to one) and that there are people who have more than two that seem to cope and handle it. They keep telling me to get help or I won't be able to handle it. I am sure I will need and appreciate help but when that help leaves I will be alone with these two children and will need to learn how to manage.

So discouraging at times. I also get the you are so tiny for twins comment and that makes me feel that I am not growing enough. Of course I know that the babies are healthy and so am I and that is all that should count but again, the same comment over and over is starting to wear me down.

Any advice?

 

:hug99: People just don't understand the power of the things that they say, especially when a person is feeling a little unsure about themselves in the first place! It is hard having newborn twins, but it is also this huge blessing that most people do not get to experience, and I think that it makes for a little jealousy, hence the comments! To answer all of those not-so-nice comments, I always tried to be overly positive. If they say it's going to be hard, you say "I know, and I can't wait! We are so blessed!" or "Twins are only given to special mommies!". Both of which are absolutely the truth!! Try not to let them get you down. Come and visit us over on the First Year board! We are all getting the job done, with a few bumps along the way, and LOTS of happiness! :hug99:


ETA...I didn't realize that you are brand new to the site!! Welcome to TS!!

I encourage you to join our Big Sister program! You will be matched with a mom of twins who will help guide you and give you someone to talk to on a more personal level! I think this program would be great for you!!! Click on the link in my signature for details! I hope you join us!

 

:hug99:

First off, I personally believe that if we were not meant to handle two babies at once, then we wouldn't be having them. I hate it when people say bad things towards you because you are having twins...especially after dealing with infertility.

I did not go through IVF. However, it did take us 4 years to conceive our girls. I had an RE that didn't push IVF thus why we didn't do it. I did a little over one year of fertility meds for ovulation induction. So when people say they feel sorry for us, I say, "It took us 4 years to get pg....we are blessed that we are having two and we are excited that we are going to be parents to twins."

Yes, it is going to be a challange, but completely worth it. I try not to let it get to me though it is hard at times.

I think it sad that they are not supporting, but almost ridiculing you about it.

Take care.

April

 

I too have dealt with this sometimes. It is frustrating. I have friends with singletons who feel such a need to let me know how miserable I will be. I think that PP comment on jealousy is totally true sometimes. The people that have made these comments are that type...I know that they are jealous to some extent. Which I personally think is silly but there you go. I also know that the people who seem to be the most negative could NEVER handle two babies at one time.

My husband and I did oral meds and were blessed with these two. We have always wanted 4 children and with infertility battles thought that was just a dream. We were blessed with DD and now these twins. What a gift.

Just to give you some positive I have had lately. We have run into 2-3 set of parents of twins in the past couple of weeks and EVERY time they have said what a gift their twins were and how blessed they felt. They said that it was tough and that they needed help when they could get it but all three sets of parents, mommy and daddy, said how lucky they felt and how lucky we are. I have just been carrying their happy faces and positive words around with me when I need that pick-me-up!

I too was starting to feel alone but this board helped alot, Welcome. I also started a Marvelous Multiples class at my local hospital and that has also helped tremendously. I was able to talk to other expectant mommies and although there were only 4 of us in the class, including myself, man it was great to not be the ONLY one like I feel sometimes.

Hang in there! Keep visiting here...we will look forward to getting to know you better!

 

I think it is easy to feel isolated, especially being pregnant with twins, because most of the time your friends and family don't know what to say or advise because they have not been there. I also think that mindset is important too, it sounds like your friends were miserable handling one child and that is their experience and won't necessarily be yours. Try not (I know, easier said then done) to let these people get you down. Keep a positive focus and concentrate on having healthy and happy babies. Coming to a site like this will be helpful too because you will have the experience of other people who have been there.

I have been fortunate so far to not hear "it's miserable raising one child stories", my friends have all told me the mistakes they made and how it was big adjustment but that they would do it again in a heartbeat. Lucky for me, they are excited about the twins and can't wait to be "aunts" of twins. I know it will be a challenge to raise twins, just as it is to raise one baby, but I plan on taking it day by day and hoping for the best!

 

You need to keep ignoring their comments! Sometimes people just don't think before they speak. You are going to have it easier than they did b/c you will only have to go through that "stage" once. It may be twice as hard at the time but you only do it once. Think positive and if those "friends" cannot be positive for you, maybe you can do without their "support" for a while.
You are so blessed and you are going to come through this with flying colors! We believe in you.

 

It can feel very isolating at times. But now that I have been in the trenches, I can tell you that having twins is not only doable, it is the most rewarding experience of my life.

1) You will not know any different. Having one baby can be very challenging, and so the thought of having two at once will seem very foreign to others who have had a singleton. Well, never having had children, I did not know any different. Yes it was difficult at times, but that was my life and that way my reality. So I just dealt with reality and you know what, it was not too bad!!!

2) Not everyone has help, nor does everyone need it. I had some help in that our families were close by. But DH and I dealt with the night feedings, endless bottles and laundry. We learned to rely on each other. After about two weeks, we got into a good groove and then at 3 weeks, he went back to work. By then, I was totally able to do it on my own. My mom intended on taking time off of work, and never needed to. I got good at feeding simeoultaneously, and learned to cope with juggling two babies. I even went out and about by myself after a few weeks. (See #1, I did not know any different, that was my reality, and so I had to get out of the house!!!!)

3) People say insensitive things without intentionally trying to hurt or isolate you. My best friend, who adores my children and vice versa, does not have any children. She has a history of twins in her family and she ALWAYS says how she would just die if she had twins. 2 1/2 years later of watching me do this gig, and she still says to me yesterday, "Dear GAWD, I better not have twins..." You grin and bear it. I know she does not mean to sound rude, but it hurts. You will get good at letting things slide off your back.

Hang in there. It is important to have a community that understands your experiences. Maybe that is your local twins club, or TS. I have both to go to when I need a reminder of how truly blessed I am to be a part of this unique "sorority" of sorts called twin-mommyhood!

 

I am like you, tired of the comments. I feel that since this is my first I am lucky because I do not know what it is like to just raise one. So I am very optimistic. I think raising two will just be routine for me in a way like that is how things are supposed to be. I keep getting the comments about looking too small to be carrying twins also, but I am just grateful because my babies are a good size right now. So just take it all in stride people are gonna talk and say their opinions all the time. J

 

QUOTE(twoin2005 @ Jul 22 2007, 01:30 PM) [snapback]340581[/snapback]
3) People say insensitive things without intentionally trying to hurt or isolate you. My best friend, who adores my children and vice versa, does not have any children. She has a history of twins in her family and she ALWAYS says how she would just die if she had twins. 2 1/2 years later of watching me do this gig, and she still says to me yesterday, "Dear GAWD, I better not have twins..." You grin and bear it. I know she does not mean to sound rude, but it hurts. You will get good at letting things slide off your back.



My best friend also has twins in her family, and says the same thing all the time.... it really hurts... But you get to a point where you just deal with it and move on, where it doesn't affect you any more....
I have gotten to the point where I get extremely frustrated, but this board has helped tremendously!! You'll figure out a way to handle it that works for you!! Just remember that you are a million times luckier than them, becuse you have tried so hard for a baby, and God gave you two!!!

Good Luck and welcome to the board!!

Shannon

 

We are definitely going out to lunch VERY soon! Maybe we can go to the beach in bikini's and see how many people comment how small we are then! B) I've been very fortunate to have a lot of multiples in my life. After being a nanny to twin boys, I'm thrilled at what I have to look forward to (it's the pregnancy that's scaring me silly!). Those boys are now 6 and wonderful! I helped potty train them and watched as they grew. It will be trying at times but oh so worth it!

I'm glad you joined TS. I've loved reading all of the messages and my husband says I'm addicted. Whenever I need to feel "normal", all I have to do is read a post or two and I feel good again. I hope you get as much out of it!

:hug99: USF waiting room Megan

 

I have done both... My first was a singleton...and let me tell you the whining that you hear from mom's of just one is pathetic. I'm sure I whined too, but in hindsight life was very, very easy with just one. On twins versus one... The thing is that there is a learning curve for every first time mom.. it's a difficult transition no matter how many you start with. Twins are particularly challenging I do agree with your friends there. But they are your babies. You will love them so much...and you will make things work. I think the most difficult thing in the beginning is the sleep deprivation. It usually hits every FTM really hard regardless of how many, but if you can get help to give yourself a break every once in a while, especially at night, it really makes a big impact. For my first child, I remember being up at night feeling just so blue... like I was the only mother in the world up at 2am trying to get her baby back to sleep. For the twins my mom, sister and MIL helped me out for many nights during the first six weeks. DH would help on the nights they weren't there. So it didn't really get me any more sleep, but the moral support was awesome. Just to have another adult up with you at night, helping me feed and change both babies was sooo good for my emotional state. I did bf, but my babies needed supplementing b/c they just weren't getting enough. So it's doubly difficult to try to bf first and then bottle feed for both kids. The extra set of hands helped, and I think dh would have been fried trying to be up every single night along with getting up for work. So that's my plug for getting help...if you can have a sister or mother or MIL whom you know will really be helpful stay for a few nights here and there during the first six weeks it can help a lot. I'm not so sure that help during the day is really necessary. The nice thing about twins as your first (versus your 2nd and 3rd) is that you can still sleep during the day when they sleep, just the same as a FTM of a singleton can. Even with my toddler around, I still found ways to do this. When my older dd would be down for her nap, I used to lay the babies on the floor, on a blanket, curl up next to them, pat their little bottoms until they fell asleep and then snooze myself. My advice on naptime and sleep deprivation...do whatever you have to do the first three months. Don't feel guilty about your babies napping in swings or occasionally in bed with you. Any bad habit can be broken so long as you break it around 5-6 months.

As far as feeling alone... get yourself over to the first year board, there are sooo many good tips that you will be able to get from the ladies over there. Twins are more challenging, but they are also a lot of fun. I remember being terrified just days before they were born...and I remember the first time I had all three children to myself all day long, how scared I was going into that day... It was around week 4 pp... I had a c/s, so I was in the hospital a week, then week 2 and 3 someone was with me, between dh taking time off and my mom or sister popping in. But you know, after the babies were around 6 months old, and I felt like I really conquered the challenge, it was very empowering. Taking them all out on your own for the first time makes you feel like super-mom. You can do it!!

 

Welcome to Twinstuff!!! It is easy to feel isolated when you are pregnant with twins. I was shocked at how many times my friends told me that they would never be able to handle twins. I had one lady in the grocery store tell me that she would die if she was pregnant with twins. Not the best thing to say to a person that feels like they are going to explode with babies.

You will be able to do this. You have too!!! It's just the honest truth. You are their mom and you will do a great job.

I had a singleton the first time around and it was so stressful and things were so hard. The twins were honestly easier for me than my singleton. I swear and my singleton was not a difficult baby.

You will be great.

As for feeling isolated. Come here! Read, vent and make friends. Also see if you connect with any of the other woman from your twins class. It's amazing how much it helps to have someone who really KNOWS what you are going through.

And when the twins are here you will never be alone. Not only will there be kids everywhere but you will be stopped every 10 feet in every store you go to. Unfortunately people will still make ocassional comments that get to you, that's life and it's rough but I swear that it does get better.

Are you in the Tampa Bay area? I live in New Tampa. We moved here last July. I'm still meeting people.

 

You are going to do great!!!
I have a 2& 1/2 year old singleton and new twins. I had help for 5 days and have been on my own since. I was worried about doing it solo but it has been easier than I thought. They first 3 days at home were hard (mostly because of latching issues with one of the twins). You get used to the lack of sleep and if you get 1 nap you feel pretty darn good.
My friends having their 2nd kid, would say "I don't know how people do this without family help", you just do it.
Just take it one step at a time and have confidence in yourself.
The pregnancy can be long and scary, TS helped me so much, feel more prepared and to know there are so many women out there who have done it and are ready with advice and support.
Try to get as organized as possible before the twins arrive.
It is a crazy ride but a fun one, I even have a few minutes to get on line already

 

Please don't let them bother you - I had a 2 year old son when we found out we were pregnant with twins. My neighbors all were like you better hire a nanny, quit work and only breast feed because you won't be albe to afford forumla. All of this coming from parents with only 1 child and more help in a day than I have received in a year!

After 7 weeks in the hosptial and a 20 day NICU stay, I didn't need to hire a nanny, I didn't quit work and used formula ( did not require bankruptcy!) with little to no help. My husband and I take care of our home and children fine without the help of anyone. His parents suck and my Mom lives 6 hours away and comes in every other month or so to lend a hand. She does more for us being hours away than his mother who lives 30 minutes away.

You can do it - It may be hard and stressful at the time, but it is worth it. I find it very rewarding. I went back to work when my girls were 8 month old (they are now 14 months) and we do just fine!

 

What beautiful names for your twins! Welcome to twinstuff--I've only been on for a few weeks, but already people have been incredibly kind and helpful!

I worry, too, about being a first-time mom expecting twins, but after going through infertility stuff as well, I try to focus on them as my double blessings. I think it's sometimes hard for people who haven't gone through the infertility cycle to realize just how hard it is (!) emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and sometimes can be quite insensitive (oftentimes without even realizing it). And they don't realize how incredibly grateful you are when you do become pregnant.

A new mother said to me, carelessly not unkindly, "Wow, having to deal with one. I can't imagine having to deal with two!" and another friend said to me, jokingly, "Glad it's you, not me. Twins are my worst nightmare." I just gently said to each (neither one of them were trying to be mean), "Well, we didn't think that we would be able to have any, so we're just incredibly happy."

Also, I might be wrong on this one, but it seems like having multiple children at different ages carries with it its own set of difficulties. For example, my BF growing up has four kids, ranging from about 3 years old to 10 years old. Her littlest got into the super-glue the other day and almost sealed her lips together (guess it looked like lip gloss!) (my BF caught her just in time). It wasn't because of neglect on my friend's part, it just is really hard for her to keep the house babyproofed with older kids in the house. It seems like you have to simultaneously keep the age-based needs of different kids in your head in a way you might not with two kids the same age. JMO!

 

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome, encouraging thoughts/suggestions and inspirations. I agree that it will be challenging, nothing in life is easy but I try to explain that to my friends that infertility to me seemed like the most difficult thing I ever had to endure so having these two babies seems like a walk in the park compared to that.

Megan, tell me when your next appt is. I would love to meet up.

Danielle, where diid you move from? I live over by the airport. Are you in the local twin group? If so, is it worth it?

I will continue to check this site and find the support from people who have been there done that.

Thanks again,

Off to acupuncture but will be back later..............