Feeling guilty... Does anyone else?

Ok for a little background I am a second time mom w/ a 3 year old and now the twins. I was the primary money maker before we moved for my husbands work, and I have not worked since we moved almost a year ago...

As far as the guilt issue goes into just about every aspect of my life now...
1. When my daughter was born I was right on top of all the things you do for development ect. She had a swing & bouncy seat, but didn't spend much time in them. This tim around I try to get the babies on the floor for tummy time, but something always gets in the way.With my daughter I was getting her on the floor & following all the recommendations because I wanted her in the what some kidscan do category of the What to Expect Book, but I just can't get it all done with these guys.... I feel like they live in their swings since they sleep there most nights due to congestion & breathing issues! I am with all 3 kids all day and between balancing the babies & my daughter's needs someone always gets the short end... including me!!! Sometimes I wear the same clothes for days! <_<

2. My daughter has NO friends! We moved here a year ago, and she is in dance class for a 1/2 hour once per week, but no daycare or playgroup or any other thing... We really don't know anyone close with kids her age. She was in daycare this summer 2 days per week for socialization, but the provider's son was the only kid there!!! Then she had a baby a month before our twins and we took her out. Not that we could get her there anyway since our cars are not big enough for me to take her anywhere with the babies... :huh: Anyway, she always wants to play with me, but it seems like I am ALWAYS feeding babies!!! They are breastfed and I wouldn't have it any other way, but my poor little girl has to entertain herself so much of the time...

3. I have always worked, and not that this is not work it is a job where there is no money coming in... I am a teacher normally, and my husband really wants me to go back to work in September... I don't think it is realistic though... With me working full time means that we will have 3 kids in daycare full time and I will be working for a weeks pay per month... It doesn't seem like it makes any sense to me since that weeks pay will end up paying for gas and work expenses... On the other hand, I feel responsible for putting our family in a state of financial ruin!!! A year ago we were making 2-3 times what we make now putting us in the upper middle class range and now we are WELL below poverty level... We are well educated people and I have to wonder why we can't figure out a way to afford our lives w/ 3 kids!

4. My parents just left after 8 weeks of practically living here and I am glad!!! Having trouble feeling greatful for the help, just glad that we can do our own thing. Maybe because the help they gave was the help they wanted to give not the help we needed... For instance, they told everyone to give us JcPenny gift cards for christmas instead of money because if they gave us money we would use it for groceries and to pay for heating... We need oil, not overpriced clothing... Again, I feel guilty for feeling this way!!!

Anyone else feeling like to spite thier best efforts to always be greatful and do the best for thier other children and give thier twins the attention they need that they fall short in most every area? Thus feeling guilty about EVERYTHING?

I will say this, however, I love all 3 of my kids who are GREAT! My babies are super good babies and are really not fussy at all. Which brings me to the last layer of guilt... If it was just the twins and I didn't have an older child this would be MUCH easier!!! How terrible! I love my little princess!!! I would never not want her around, but I can't help but feel life would be a lot easier.

 

You know, the great thing about kids is that they are really resilient. They just seem to be able to go with the flow a lot more than we can. Although it pulls at your heartstrings not be able to do the things with your daughter that you once could, she will be okay. Yes, she will have to entertain herself, but in a couple of months when the twins aren't being fed all the time, and they are moving around a lot more all of you will be able to interact more. Your playtime with her just has to be a little different. Let her help you get things for the babies, or she could be great for talking to the babies while they have tummy time. You interaction with her will just have to be different for a little while, but she'll be okay.

You hang in there. It is tough balancing life with twins, but it does get easier. Everyone goes through moments of guilt and feeling like you aren't doing all that you can. But you sound like you are working your butt off. Breastfeeding twins takes so much time that I, too, had a hard time doing anything else. So I just had to get used to the idea that sometimes things just had to be put on the back burner until I had time to do them. Yes, there were times that dishes piled or laundry piled, but that was just how it was. It's okay if things get messy, you got three kids at home.

As far as the money, I can completely understand. To handle clothing issues, for example, I always buy off season. At the end of this summer I happened in to K-mart and all of their summer clothes were $1 a piece. I bought their entire summer of play clothes for like $25. I go to the clearance section first thing where ever I go (great deals happen off-season). While the twins were on formula I filled out an application for WIC. We qualified, because like you, I didn't work. WIC paid for all of the basics (formula after we breastfeed, milk, cereal). It helped a great deal. I just have learned to look for bargains, clip coupons, and buy generic. Yes, it sucks at times. But you got to do what you got to do.

After the kids go to bed take some time for you. If you don't recharge yourself, your going to have a tough time. By the time the kids get to bed you are wipe. But just try to take a nice warm bubble bath with some soft music. Something to help you unwind at the end of the day. Sometimes I would just lay in bed and read a book while I drank something warm. I began to cross-stitch when the twins came so that I had somehting that I could accomplish. Plus, it helped take my mind off of things for just a little while.

You are doing fine. The kids will be fine. And it does get better. Hang in there.

 

Bless your heart!! and I think ALL of the feelings that you are having are totally normal!! having twins is not easy no matter how good they are and an almost 4 year old is not easy either! put them together and you do have NO you time!! Plus after my c-section I felt like I had been hit by a truck for 4 months!! I also went from a person who showered twice a day to lucky to shower every 2 days!! and my older kids were 12, 10 and 8 when the twins arrived so I cannot imagine life with a toddler and twins!! even to this day- I have not showered twice in one day since they have been born and my house, well we won't even talk about that!! It does get easier - you trade some tough things for different tough things along the road but overall it is easier for me now that the girls are able to entertain themselves by playing with toys - I don't feel NEARLY as guilty as I did when all they could do was sit in a swing or bouncy while I had to do other things - even if they cry I don't feel nearly as guilty. I am not able to do some of the things that my big guys like for example go to the movies, and I do feel bad about that - but as the girls get older we will be able to do more.
your feelings are normal and try to take some you time even if it is just 5 extra minutes in the shower!

:hug99: , Heather

eta: about the work thing - i am in the same boat - but just enjoy your babies it is hard finacially but things have a way of working themselves out. you will never be able to get this time with your kids back. I know - I just blinked and my sweet, tiny newborns just turned 1 !! and ya know what? we may be poor but I didn't miss anything!!

 

In terms of your daughter - is it possible to have a high school kid come over and play for a few hours a week? Just to take her to the park or play games with her while you're with the babies? I know when I was in high school I did this a lot for new moms and it was so much fun, for me and the kids! Most high schoolers won't require more than a few dollars per week and a lot of schools require community service, so it may even be free!
I know a lot of moms here, when their twins are older and not as dependant, take on an extra child in order to bring in some extra money. Maybe this summer you could babysit another preschooler so your daughter could have a playmate AND you could bring in a little extra cash?

Regardless of what happens - you are an amazing mom, especially since your breastfeeding! Hang in there - you're doing a great job!

 

I don't have much advice, but I have lots of sympathy! We have a lot in common . Our twins are the same age, I have an older child (although he is 7) and I am also a teacher and my DH wants me to return to work next fall. I have the same guilt as you when it comes to spending time with my older DS - he watches a lot of tv which I hate , stimulating the twins, and contributing to the family income.

There are 2 things that really help me (most days), these are my mantra:

1. I am only ONE person and I am doing the very best I can.

2. This situation is temporary.

Send me a PM if you want to talk and/or exchange vents and frustrations!

 

I just wanted to send a hug! :hug99:

I can't imagine having an older child and then a set of twins! I can only imagine the work it must be.

 

1. When my daughter was born I was right on top of all the things you do for development ect

You can't compare your daughter's infancy to raising twinfants. It's a whole different ball game. Just continue to do your best and remember that your babies will probably be patient and even a little independent ahead of their singleton peers, and that's a good thing. Young babies are stimulated by lots of different things - just staring at a ceiling fan used to make mine smile for ages! You don't have to do a song-and-dance routine for them all day long. Babies in other cultures are strapped to their mama's backs a few days after birth and then taken into the fields. They turn out just fine without tummy time, Baby Einstein, or Jolly Jumpers.

2. My daughter has NO friends!

This is temporary. Soon your babies will be a few months older, a little more portable (not eating all the time!), and you can go for walks together, take her to the library to pick out books and maybe even meet a new friend. Maybe you can research a play group or story-time group starting in a couple of months and work toward that as a goal. Are their any nice teen-age girls in your neighbourhood? Sounds like she might enjoy some time at the park or even just reading books with someone. You could pay a teenage a small wage to drop by after school?

3. I have always worked, and not that this is not work it is a job where there is no money coming in...

I'm in a similar situation. With two babies going to day care I'd just be breaking even if I went back to my old job. I'm going to explore the prospect of a part-time evening job in the coming months. I'm not proud - I have two university degrees but I'll make lattes at Starbuck's a few evenings a week to put food on the table.

4. My parents just left after 8 weeks of practically living here and I am glad!

9/10 women would feel the same way. There's a reason we grow up, move out and start our own families - we want to do our own thing our own way. It's hard to accept help and feel independent at the same time. Your parents are gone now so send them a mushy thank-you card (whether you mean all of it or not) with a lovely pic of their grandkids and then move on.

Guilt ruled my life for many months when the babies arrived. Once I stopped comparing myself to moms of singletons and/or this crazy idea I had of myself as super mom (before the babies arrived), I started to feel a lot better. I hope you will too.

 

Thanks everyone for your support! It is good to know for sure that others feel the same way... I pretty much thought that the way I was feeling was not uncommon, but I wanted to make sure :blush: It is sooo hard to imagine life without all three of my beautiful babies and I just want to make sure they are getting everything they need from me. I feel so sad hearing my daughter say she doesn't have any friends and ask me to play with her and not be able to because the babies are crying to be fed or changed. I am lucky in that my babies are not fussy at all and they are not terrible sleepers, not great, but not terrible. Anyway, I appreciate the encouragement! I haven't posted much since the babies were born and sort of miss all the encouragement I got here during pregnancy! :icon_biggrin: