feeling guilty about giving more attention to one twin

My two girls have very different personalities. R is mellow, has a good appetite, and gets up to eat and socialize otherwise sleeps as we would expect for a baby her age (5 weeks tomorrow). J is fussy and likes to be held pretty much all the time. She also seems to have a strong preference for me over dad or anyone else. She wants me to hold her, calms down quickly with me and does not with others. As of last night, I just kept her in bed with me all night as she does not like going to sleep in the crib. So this change ended the cycle of putting her down, having her start screaming, picking her up, and repeating. I had bad dreams all night because I feel guilty that J is getting so much more attention than R is. Both Dh and I go out of our way to give R attention when she is awake but it is just still so inequitable. Anyone else dealing with this? If so, how do you cope with the guilt or make it up to the easy going baby?

 

I felt the same way that early on. Surprisingly every month it changed who was "the needier baby". Even now, Jake is more vocal about what he wants and Ryan is laid back. It gets easier when they can hold their heads up and I can hold them both at the same time.

 

My girls were born 3/26/08 and we are in the same boat! I feel the same way. Emma needs my attention all the time and Adrianna is passive and okay with just hanging out and looking around. I sometimes feel guilty, too because Emma is always held or rocked.

 

I felt SO guilty in the beginning because M needed me so much more than A. I used to cry because it was so 'unfair.' Then DH said to me one night "Look at A. Does she look unhappy?" He was right.. she was perfectly content to watch the world from her bouncy chair, cuddle me for a little while after a bottle, and then sleep in the pnp. M needed someone to hold her a lot. I wore her in the Bjorn so I could play with A while giving M the closeness she needed.

Then it started to balance out. Now at almost 14 months, A is my cuddle bunny while M barely gives me a drive-by hug while running off to play with something else. Its hard not to feel guilty, but in the end you are only 1 person and they are two, and you have to do whats best and sometimes thats treating them like the two individuals they are (with different needs). :hug99:

 

Yes, I think we went through that one too. Derek was my much needier baby but as they got older Tyler became my clingy baby. So, just do the best you can but dont beat yourself up over it. Its not like they will remember who you had to pay more attention to in the beginning

 

Thanks for your replies -- it is nice to know this is normal. And Leighann, your Dh is a wise man. When I look at R, she looks happy and content most of the time (with the exception being when she is hungry -- she has a hearty appetite!). It's really good to know that it will even out in time. Amyjoy3, very cool that our girls were born one day apart!

 

Just wanted to tag on - my girls were and are very different. Hannah was suuuuppppeerrr fussy at the beginning and wanted to be held more. People would gravitate toward Emma because Hannah was so fussy - so I actually felt bad for Hannah because she was not as "likeable". Hannah is over the fussy part and is very social and active. So now people gravitate toward HER and I feel bad for Emma!!! I am sure I will be going through this my whole life!

 

I actually give my easy going ds more attention because it seems like every one wants to pick up and play with my dd because she is more interactive and smiley. I think at this age they don't really know the difference because they both seem to equally want my attention, but as they get older it will be more important to try and spend alone time with each of them as much as possible.

 

Mine are now 5.5 months and it seems they have switched back and forth as to who needed more attention. Now some days they will trade off all day long for attention. They somehow know when the other one needs mommy's attention more at that time. I kept saying to myself "it is too early for mommy- guilt --- I have the rest of my life for that".

Heather

 

I wouldn't worry too much I think this is very common with twins. It will change from time to time as they get older and it ends up being even. When I first brought my boys home James needed constant attention and Jack was way more relaxed but they go back and forth. Right now James is learning to walk and is very independant while Jack is really clingy and wants to be held and cuddled a lot. I totally understand how you feel though but don't be too hard on yourself.

 

It seems to change for us about weekly who needs more attention, who needs to be held more. Now Dillon is a momma's boy and it does make it hard for me to say get a nap when my husband is home b/c he just doesn't get calmed down too well by anyone but me. I think as newborns they are not going to remember or even realize that their sibling is being held more or whatever. You are doing great. The worry is b/c you love them so much and that is what matters, your love for them.

Dianna