Feeling frustrated and unhappy

Hi Ladies,

maybe it's been a rough night or just that the sleep deprivation is really starting to hit me but I feel really frustrated and unhappy. I always wanted to be a mother but this is WAY harder than I imagined it to be. It's not even the sleep deprivation as much as the little feedback you get from the babies after struggling all day/night long. We're getting some smiles but the feeding issues our just sapping me of any joy and strength that I have.

DS is an active baby, i've read about them. THey don't need to sleep as much, they constantly move around, they grunt etc etc. That's my son. The only way to settle him is his swing, music and being held. He falls asleep and wakes himself up a few minutes later and this continues all the time.

We're on prevacid, so the reflux is a little better. I just feel as though I want to open the front door and run. No-one seems to understand this feeling of frustration that I have. To be honest I don't want to vocalize it too much b/c I feel a little guilty for not enjoying motherhood as much as I thought I would.

Could you answer the following:
1) is it normal for DD to fall asleep at the bottle most of the time?

2) has anyone had their child be a physical struggle to feed? I mean grunting, occasional scratching, wiggling and wiggling and more wiggling?

3) we've tried mylicon drops, we've tried zantac neither work....

4) we have little schedule at this point (11 weeks... 8 adjusted). We do bathtime at 7pm and always have a feed around 3 am but otherwise the day is on a 2 or 3 hours feeding schedule. I'm trying to have some order but I can't get it to work.

Also, feedings take around 45 minutes or more with DS. I don't think this is normal

Any feedback would be appreciated.
Anna

 

I won't be able to answer your questions, most likely-but I will certainly try. But mostly-I wanted to come and give you many :grouphug: :grouphug: !! You are doing the best you can! And all of your feelings are NORMAL. DH and I tried for years to have the boys, and I too would have feelings of guilt, etc because it's what I WANTED, and yet, I didn't think I could handle it. I never told anyone either.

And I see how old they are-you are in the absolute thick of it! Three months, six months, nine months-soooo many milestones await you. Things will start looking a little brighter, the weather will get a bit nicer/warmer(at least here in New England), and they will start to do more and more. My boys are almost 2.5 years old and I can tell you-it's wonderful! It truly is! The things they can do now-what you are going through now-will be a distant memory(for the most part... :laughing: ).

For instance-yesterday, Nicholas got sick in the car, and Anthony rubbed his hand and said, "It's ok NiNi!" How sweet!?! Once your kids are a bit older, they will be able to sit up, keep themselves entertained, crawl, so much awaits!

And as for a schedule-well, Annabella is nine months old-and she doesn't really have a schedule. And with the boys-I really didn't worry too much about a schedule until they were six months old. You can try-but they may still be dictating the clock for you.

As for your questions:
1.) I don't remember them falling asleep at the bottle. But-they probably did! Have you tried undressing her? Tickling under her chin? Blowing air on her?

2.)How are they doing with weight? Are they not gaining? Or are they fine? Annabella is a PAIN to feed. But it seems like she is more of a snacker. She'll have two oz here, four oz there.... Maybe feed him less more often? Feed more upright?

3.) Yeah-I didn't believe in the mylicon. Could it be the formula? My boys were big spitters-drove me CRAZY!

4.) And yeah-they are eight weeks old-I personally wouldn't worry about a schedule-they'll let you know when they need things. But it seems like you are starting a consistent bedtime routine with a bath-and that's a start. The feeds will come in time, but it seems like overall they are doing well with a schedule with that.

And as for sleeping-my boys slept in their swingsets for naps until six months old-SWADDLED, and they slept in their carseats until almost 4 months for bed-swaddled, and then we moved them to their crib at four months.

And I think you need to get out. Not sure if it's possible-but you need to make time for YOU. It's very important-a HAPPY mommy makes for HAPPY babies.

You can do this! We are here to help you!!

 

1) is it normal for DD to fall asleep at the bottle most of the time?
Yep, totally normal, you can try undressing her so she's not so warm and snuggly, or try not cuddling her to feed her and lay her on a boppy pillow or in a bouncy seat. But it's totally normal for babies to nurse/bottle feed themselves to sleep still at that age.

2) has anyone had their child be a physical struggle to feed? I mean grunting, occasional scratching, wiggling and wiggling and more wiggling?
I haven't had that personally but I've heard about it, have you tried swaddling him to feed him? Try strapping him into his bouncy seat or a stroller so he's not right up against you. Is he too warm? Try undressing him to see if he's overheated. You can also try feeding him more upright, it could be he's too busy trying to see the world and doesn't want to be laying down anymore.

3) we've tried mylicon drops, we've tried zantac neither work....
What are you using these for? Mylicon is for gas only, Zantac is for reflux but if they are on prevacid for reflux the zantac probably won't be any help.

4) we have little schedule at this point (11 weeks... 8 adjusted)
We only had a "routine" at that age. I knew roughly what time we'd start the day, roughly what time feedings were, but it was still very very flexible. We didn't get a schedule until 5-6 months when things started getting more predictable. Mine started sleeping through the night around 3 months old, which is pretty normal, so hopefully yours will start giving you a longer sleep stretch at night.


:hug: :hug: Ditto Meaghan about hang in there! The first 6 weeks were hell, the first 6 months were hard, and then we saw the light at the end of the tunnel! Mine are 13 months, they are walking, they are starting to talk, they wave bye bye, and most importantly, they are becoming independant, adorable, little PEOPLE! With interests, with favourites, with opinions, with a sense of humor, and a silly streak, and a very very stubborn independent streak too! And it's fantastic! I adore watching them play together, and play with their older siblings as well! :hug:

 

I don't really have anything to add to what Meaghan & Danielle have already said, but wanted to send big :hug: 's. The way you are feeling is totally normal, having two babies to look after is really difficult. Just try to keep telling yourself that it will get better & hang in there! :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: Hang in there!!! When you're that exhausted it's hard to be positive, but realize every stage is just that a stage! I nursed the boys for the first little bit and HATED it. The girls were awesome to nurse and I loved it so I felt guilty for not enjoying it at all w the boys. Everyone would tell me oh you're doing such a good job, you must be so proud of yourself etc... I'd come home and cry. I was so sore, I couldn't take one more minute of the pain and being the only one who fed them! Anyway just a little bit about my struggle, hopefully it will make you feel better!

I agree that it could be the formula... maybe switch to soy? The other thing is, maybe he doesn't need to eat every 2 hrs since he's taking longer to eat. I would hold him off for the 3 hrs!! I also agree w swaddling your ds. My boys never slept unless they were swaddled.

Good luck w everything!!!

 

Our twins are about the same age so I can relate to you. I'll try to answer your questions as much as I can based on my experience.

1) is it normal for DD to fall asleep at the bottle most of the time?
My DS is the one with this issue but what we do is usually try to burp him so he will wake up a little bit and stimulate him. Usually, it works.

2) has anyone had their child be a physical struggle to feed? I mean grunting, occasional scratching, wiggling and wiggling and more wiggling?
My DD always had this issue. She will be crying while feeding and would take forever to feed, like you it will sometimes take between 45-60 minutes. I would try to wrap her with a cozy blanket and that would sometimes help. I would also try to sing to her while feeding and that sometimes relaxes her and just allow me to feed her. My DD would also spit up like crazy during feeding. We switched formula to Enfamil AR, worked like a charm. She loved it, no struggles, finished the bottles but became constipated. We had to mix Enfamil premium and AR and found a perfect balance. She is now a happy eater. I hope it lasts!

3) we've tried mylicon drops, we've tried zantac neither work....
I usually just use mylicon for gas so I can't say a lot about it.

4) we have little schedule at this point (11 weeks... 8 adjusted). We do bathtime at 7pm and always have a feed around 3 am but otherwise the day is on a 2 or 3 hours feeding schedule. I'm trying to have some order but I can't get it to work.
Our kiddos don't really have a set schedule but they have a routine. We feed them every 3-4 hours during the day, then the last feeding at night around 11ish, they would be washed, changed into their "night" clothes, be pampered with bedtime lotion and dim the lights. They usually can sleep for about 5 hrs average through the night so I'm happy. During the day, my DS doesn't really like to be put down for naps... its getting better but you just have to experiment how. Different positions, rubbing their heads while sleeping, putting them on swing... just trying out all sort of things that will work.

Hope that helps! Don't worry, we can make it! :ibiggrin:

 

I chafed at 2 months. They weren't really ready for a routine, they don't DO much, yet... it's hard. Even though it's still not easy, I would say it's much, much better for my sanity now. I don't have a hard and fast time I know I'll be doing something (like I don't know what we'll be doing at 5:37pm), but I have a rough idea.

I second a pp- GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I would feel so trapped and sad & crappy- as soon as I got out in the sunshine or even to Target, I'd feel much better. Also, feed them, let DH care for them for an hour & GET OUT BY YOURSELF. I can't say it enough, but it feels so good to be by yourself after you take care of the miniatures all day.

:youcandoit:

 

Thank you ladies for your kind words and reassurances!!! Man oh man.... I can't believe another day has passed. Time FLIES and at this point it rotates from feed, change, burp and smooth and then start all over again. I really hope to see a change soon b/c I REALLY want to enjoy my children.

DS is just VERY VERY gassy and the mylicon is NOT working. The prevacid, for reflux, seems to be helping a bit. We' re just introducing a bit of Enfamil AR to the mix to see if that will help, i'm only adding about 30ml to a regular formula to try and prevent constipation. Is it ok to mix enfamil with nestle good start?

Thanks again for your hugs and kind words............. it helps talking to people that get it b/c I feel kind of lonely amongst the singleton moms.. they don't get it and compare having two kids of different ages to what i'm going through and I think it's different.

 

Are you switching all the formula to Enfamil AR? I will admit-I am horrible when it comes to "weaning" off the formulas. I just did it. Oops! But-they say to do maybe 1/4 Enfamil, and the 3/4 what they are on now. And then to 1/2 and 1/2 and then 3/4 to 1/4, and then full Enfamil AR, if that's what you are doing.

 

:grouphug: Anna

:hug: Sing it from the mountain tops on here sister!!! It is okay. I think those feelings are totally normal. You are exhausted and frustrated and that breeds some resentment. I STILL have those days. Hang in there. It will get better. You can always talk to your OB if you think you are depressed. :hug:

It sounds to me like the reflux is still not being controlled. How long have they been on the Prevacid? Are you keeping them upright for at least 30 minutes after EVERY feed (even at night)?

I tried the A/R, but it didnt work well for them. It turns out that Derek had a possible milk protein allergy (which is very normal for reflux babies) and we had to go to a special hypoallergenic formula. Once we got him on the Alimentum and started thickening with rice cereal, the reflux and the feedings got infinitely better. Maybe its possible that is what you are dealing with as well??

 

Thank you SOOO Much for your advice and kind words... I really, really, really appreciate it! :thanks:

Today is a better day, let's hope it lasts!!! We're getting out for a walk soon, so that should help both the babes and my big butt <_<

Have a lovely day!

 

I had two very colicky babies so I know exactly how you feel. You second guess everything, you try every remedy out there (gripe water, mylicon, etc), you switch formulas...and then one day they grow out of it and it just gets better. Mine were very high maintenance: didn't nap unless they were held, DD was gassy and DS fought feedings (he also had reflux, but it affected mainly his sleep and not his feedings). I nursed but he would physically push himself away from me for about 10-15 minutes before I got him to latch. Talk about frustrating!

My answer to your questions is that sometimes there is no solution but time. If you've tried different formulas and there is no change then it's likely not the formula (in all our formula switching, we found ours did best on similac sensitive or good start, and we've tried them all within reason). Gassiness often comes from fussiness because they swallow a lot of air. If they're gaining weight, not spitting too much and not arching in pain, then it's likely not the reflux. I hated motherhood for the first 3 months or so because it is so unfulfilling...I was even happy at first to go back to work because it gave me a break. Then, one day, they grew little personalities and really started interacting with me and each other. I think this was about 3 1/2-4 months. About this same time, they stopped being fussy, started napping, started sleeping longer at night, and life got a lot better.

Hang in there, take care of yourself because you can't be a good mommy if you don't and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They will grow out of this stage and the next stage is so much fun that soon these days will be nothing but a fuzzy memory. I know for me they are!

 

Hope you are having a better day today!! Your description of your babies sounds sooo familiar to me. My DD was terribly difficult to feed. Both of them took around 45 minutes to feed well into their 3rd month. My current ds has the grunting/gassy/squirmy thing going on. It's just tough. This is how newborns are. And it gradually gets better, but there's lots of 2 steps forward/one step backward moments. I think the smaller they are at birth the more challenging it is as well. It will get better though. Just keep telling yourself that. It really will get better.

I always hit my wall around 4 months. If my babies aren't sleeping by then it's when I start my CIO with them...so long as their weights are good, and they are eating plenty during the day you can have them CIO at their first wake-up of the evening. Then if they wake up an hour or so later you feed them. But most of the time once babies sleep through that first wake up they will start sleeping through the second wake up as well. Anyway, I know your babies aren't 4 months yet, but I'm telling you this so that in your mind you can have a cut-off date for this insanity. It helps me anyway, to have a mental cut-off for how long the sleep deprivation will persist. I probably sound like a tough mama, but I honestly think that unless there are extenuating weight issues babies can be trained to sleep and should be trained to sleep by about 4-5 months. It's good for them as well as the rest of the family!! Anyway, when my current ds has a lousy night I just remind myself of this cut-off. If he doesn't figure it out naturally on his own then I will 'help' him figure it out by 4-5 months. And thankfully out of my 4 older children I've only had to do CIO with two of them, my oldest, and my twin ds. My other two girls STTN on their own gradually by 3 months. But having this future cut-off really does help me psychologically!! And I just hit my limit by 4-5 months. It's when I start pulling my hair out over the chronic crappy sleep.

 

P.S. I did want to add that your feelings are really common. I didn't bond with my first dd until she was a happy 4-5 month old! LOL. I felt horrible over it, and thankfully with my twins it was love at first sight, but it's totally normal to feel down about motherhood in the early months.

One other thought... I saw in the other thread that your babies have very healthy weights. IF your dd seems to fight you on feedings it is possible that she simply isn't hungry. I know that's not always the case though, since my twin dd was content to starve even if it had been hours since she had anything.

Keep up the good work though! It'll get better...It'll get better...It'll get better!

 

I read your post a few days ago and I've been thinking about you since then. Just want to send you some :grouphug:.

I had my twins in the depths of winter in 2008 and the first three months were the toughest. It was tricky with the short days and long dark nights and the cold weather and wanting to get out of the house but it's so tricky to do at that time of year. One of my twins was also difficult to feed. Sometimes he'd be okay, but other times you'd spend half an hour getting a mere 70 mls into him only to have him throw it all up and suddenly you have to start all over again. Particularly not fun when it's a feed in the middle of the night and you've been feeding him in bed.

And I also found so much of childcare to be so boring!!! When I had the boys all day on my own when my husband was away at work I thought I was going to go bonkers. I don't have any family nearby so occasionally I would ask a neighbour to come in and chat to me so that I didn't go insane.

Anyway, I believe it really will get better for you as time progresses. As I said, the first three months were tricky and then after that it seemed to get easier. We were all in more of a routine (if not a schedule) and the weather got better and the boys got more responsive. Just hang in there and you'll soon start to see better days ahead. A mere 16 months into this and I always tell people my boys are so fun and I actually think it's better to have two at once as opposed to one at a time. (YMMV )

So, not so much advice from me, but a bit of a "hang in there!" encouragement cheer. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Hang in there! I think the sunshine and getting out a bit really helps! I wasn't real wild about being a parent the first 3 months, in fact, if someone could have raised my babies till they were 3.5 months and then returned them to me I would have been EXTREMELY happy! It's just rough...sleep deprivation, doing the same thing over and over and over again, no positive feedback. BUT, it gets so wonderful!

My babies are now 4.5 months (3.5 mo a.a.) and they are so cute and sweet. About 4 weeks ago we started a ROUTINE. I get both babies up around 6:30am/7am. Feed, clothe them and put them on the playmat. They stay awake about 1 hour (Healthy Sleep, Happy Child-recs only being up 1-2 hours at a time). Then we do the whole routine again. THey eat every 3 hours or a little bit more. I am really happy having more of a schedule. Sometimes they stay awake 1.5 hours but never 2 hours.

NOW, as for your squirmy, difficult to eat baby. Sounds just like my DS. He too has reflux and it was under control fairly well till lately. He does EXACTLY what you said. I do the following things to try to get him to eat (although sometimes I find he's just not hungry and that's why he freaks out): put him in bouncer to feed him, take him to a quiet room without any distractions, prop my lap up and put him on my legs facing me and feed him. Otherwise I just stop and try again 10-20 min later.

GOOD LUCK! It will definitely get much, much easier!

 

I hope things are still going better for you. :hug:

 

I just read this and you reminded me of my boys at 2 months. Feedings took so long and were SUCH a struggle. I have to say, they outgrew it quickly. Having the reflux under control helped a lot. I hope things are getting better for you!

 

Hi ladies...

Quick update. I wouldn't say things are easy but they are a bit better. DS is just a handful, he grunts and wiggles A LOT and so if you're on the couch trying to catch a few zzz's, GOOD LUCK. Anyways, we've been going out more for walks and that really helps.

We'll be three months on April 11th, so I REALLY REALLY hope it all starts getting a bit easier overall-- DS outgrows his reflux and sleeps better and DD gets over her STRONG gag reflex that sends her milk flying if you're not careful

Hope you are enjoying your easter weekend and the sunshine!