Feeling Blue

Hi,

I have really been feeling a little blue latey about things that I have missed out on because my b/g twins were born so early and because I had two babies instead of one. Don't get me wrong, I love having twins and feel blessed that I had two at once since I was 35 when I had them and will probably not have anymore. I had lunch with two friends yesterday who have one baby each and they just seem to be enjoying this stage of motherhood so much more than I was able to. Although I am extremey proud of the job that my husband and I have done surviving the first 18 months, I sometimes feel bad about not having the kind of time with each of them that I would like. My daughter is extremely independent and my son is a def mamas boy, my heart breaks when she does reach out to me and my son pushes her away.

My MIL, who helps me several times a week would like to start spending time with the kids individually but the problem is that I know my son won't go with her and my daughter is the one who I feel needs my extra attention. Also, part of me feels like my husband and I should have the opportunity to bond with them individually before we start splitting them up for everyone else.

I know all of you can probably relate, does anyone have any experience to share regarding splitting up your twins at this age (around 18 months)? If so, was it a postive or negative?

Thanks,
Rebecca

 

I don't have any experience splitting them up, but wanted you to have a :hug99: for feeling blue.

 

Same as Emily, I haven't tried splitting them up. :hug99: for feeling blue, I hope you start feeling better soon. I know what you mean about missing out on things, but you have to remember all the things you are experiencing that your friends are missing out on. :hug99: Maybe you could start off slow with leaving your son with your MIL... ten minutes today, twenty tomorrow, etc.

 

:hug99: Same feelings here, they come and go. And I also have an independent girl and momma's boy. But dh and I do take them out seperatly and I do try and focus on dd. Ds may cry when I leave but w/in 5 mins he is fine So I will take dd to the grocery store, to the park, etc and it is AMAZING how different it is with one. But then as soon as I walk in the door and dd says "ZACHYYYYYY" and he runs over to give her a hug, I am so glad I have twins :wub: (then they start fighting......lol)

 

There have been a few times that dh will take one with him to the store and the other one completely melts down so that is a no-no. They either go together, or not at all.

 

I totally understand how you feel and I've often had the same feelings when I see how my friends with singletons are able to spend so much time with one baby. The pp had a good point though about how the singleton moms do miss out on all the special moments we get to have.

I think that's a very nice offer from your MIL and I'd take her up on it! It'll be nice to get some special time with each of your twins. I don't get those moments often but when they come they are really nice.

 

We've had success with separating them. Most sunday mornings, DH takes one to the pool and I take the other one to the farmer's market. It's built into the schedule so they expect/understand. I really think it helps them fight less. Lately, we haven't been able to do it as often because of colds, in law visit, etc. But we did a short separation on Sun afternoon. Dh took Sam to get groceries. Syd & I had quality time alone. It was wonderful.

 

I can really relate to those blue feelings. It was so bad at one point that I stopped hanging around with mothers of singletons. I just couldn't stop the comparisons and I was constantly feeling guilty for not being able to do everything they could do with their single babies. But these days I see more positives than negatives with the whole twin experience. Of course I wish I those early months could have been different, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. My babies weren't born early, but I had PPD and I was not prepared for what bringing home twin babies would mean. I was a mess! Being unsuccessful with breast feeding is probably the biggest regret of my life. All I can do now is try my best TODAY and in the days to come. And I let myself off the hook sometimes - I'm raising TWINS after all. That's a tall order! I bet that singleton moms look up to you and wonder how the heck you do it.

I haven't separated my boys much yet but I'd like to try it. I think things like that might become easier when we're down to one nap.

 

:hug99: I'm very sorry you are sad. I do seperate my boys on occassion. It's just so much easier to go to the store with one, so MIL gets the other. I alternate who goes with me, and who stays with her. They both love both things, so it's not like one is getting special treatment. I think it's good for me, good for both of them, and good for MIL to get just one at times as well.

 

Your feelings are totally understandable. I often see my singleton friends and am sometimes jealous. They don't understand why I don't bring the boys out more, etc, when they wisk their babies everywhere. Well...getting two babies ready to go out and do stuff takes a whole lot more work than one and I have to be prepared for pretty much anything.

I sometimes wonder what it's like to have one...but then I get hugs from two babies at once...that's the best thing ever. Get to see two excited babies when I pick them up from daycare....we get two of all the "good" and "bad." A singleton parent doesn't get to experience the things we do.

We haven't separated the boys, with the exception of when each one was hospitalized (different times), and we don't separate them now because they seem to prefer being around their brother. But...I don't see any harm in spending time one on one with each. If your comfortable with it, I say go for it.

 

:hug99: :hug99:
So sorry your friends are making you sad. They have no idea do they? Mine often will invite me to things that are impossible for me to do with two babies and can't understand why I can't go. I say to them I will only take criticism from a mother of twins! No one else knows how it is.
Mine have been separated for a couple of hours twice a week since they were 12 mo because Nefeli has pt. Dh and I alternate who goes with Nefeli and who stays with Iris. I feel bad that most of Nefeli's one on one time is for her pt and not fun things but try to add a little time before or after which is just fun. Other times we make it a point if one if us is running an errand nearby to take one of the girls with us. Rarely, when I've had to take one to the dr the other has stayed with my mother.
I would encourage you to try it and maybe make a point of having an outing (or staying at home) with just one at least once a week. I've found that when they are on their own they show a different side of their personality. also, I get to focus more on each one and interact more in depth. For example, Iris is usually very active and constantly doing something or moving all over the house. When we are alone together she is more cuddly are relaxed. Not to mention how much easier everything is with just one child!!
They are equally happy to be together or apart as long as they are with me or dh except when it's time to eat or sleep. Then they seem to get anxious about where their sister is. When I have to leave one with my mother I make a point of having something special lined up for them to do- like a new toy or something I know they really enjoy so the transition is easier for her.
Hope you give it a try and it works out for you.

 

If you have the opportunity to spend time with them individually, take advantage of it. I really try to get time with all of my kids but I am more focused on individual time with the older two at the moment. My oldest dd is transitioning into the "teen" years and needs some mom time. The middle one can easily fall into the middle child trap. It takes alot of coordination for me to get that kind of time with any of them. Enjoy it.

 

Take advantage of getting one on one time, I think it is really good for the babies and you. And it's hard sometimes having twins, and being jealous is understandable. Just remember you get double the hugs, double the love, double the laughs, all that. And they do eventually have a built-in best friend.

 

I have a slightly different perspective for you to view splitting them for others before 1 on 1 time for you...if your MIL takes one, then that is 1 on 1 time you have with the other. Does that help a little? :unsure:

Anyway, I feel strange about splitting them up, too, but I do love the 1 on 1 time when one wakes up before the other in the morning or after naps. I have no problem taking just my 3yr old on his own, or just the twins, but only taking one twin feels strange! Why is that??? Oh well, it sounds like it's pretty common among twinnie moms, so I guess it's ok. I also want to try splitting more when I can, just to get that bonding time, which is the big difference I find between my first (singleton) and the twins. Like PP said, though, when you get that double hug/kiss, and those double smiling faces... who can resist feeling fantastic!!!! It makes up for a lot of the guilt. Just try to make a conscious effort to remember that in those down moments. HUGS :hug99:

Chris

 

I do sometimes wish I could spend more one-on-one time with my boys...my daughter is a lot older than them and was essentially an only child so we did everything together. Life was very different with her. Now I have TWO momma's boys Our boys are always together except for occasionally I'll take one with me to the store and leave the other with dad, but only if everyone agrees with it. They both want to know where I'm at and what I'm doing at all times. It sure makes a person feel wanted! Anyway, occasionally I wish I could spend more individual time with them, but for the most part I feel we do spend very quality time together. When we do activities together, I just make sure to focus on each one in turn and not favor one over the other. This makes me feel close to both of them and like I'm focusing on their individual needs. This would be harder if one were more independent than the other, but sometimes one really does need more attention than the other. One of my boys is definitely more needy than the other, but I don't feel like this has harmed my relationship with his brother...it's just different.

As for grandma...when my boys spend time with one of their grandmas, they both go, and mommy gets a break My MIL has talked about taking one of them, but so far we haven't ever done this. I think the boys would have a fit. They're always afraid they'll miss something!

 

QUOTE(anicosia @ Mar 19 2008, 05:00 PM) [snapback]677104[/snapback]
If you have the opportunity to spend time with them individually, take advantage of it. I really try to get time with all of my kids but I am more focused on individual time with the older two at the moment. My oldest dd is transitioning into the "teen" years and needs some mom time. The middle one can easily fall into the middle child trap. It takes alot of coordination for me to get that kind of time with any of them. Enjoy it.


Our older kiddos are exactly the same age and I sooo hear you on this!! These days it's just so much easier to deal with the boys as a group, so that I can deal with the pre-pubescent girls! It is nice to get one-on-one time, and boy do I wish I could, but no one in our family will help out. Soooo...that being said, absolutely enjoy some one-on-one time if MIL will take the other. And don't worry about missing stuff....for everything I think I missed, there are at least 2 things that I got in return!
Hugs!!
Nicole

 

Hugs to you for feeling blue! I think we all know what you're talking about on some level. I used to feel guilty when the babies were little because I couldn't give them the kind of attention I was able to give my daughter when she was an infant. Sometimes they had to cry for a little bit before I had a chance to attend to their needs and that always made me feel horrible!

I would take your MIL up on her offer. I think it's a fabulous idea for all of you! I understand what you mean about wanting a chance to do the 1:1 thing before other family members do, but consider this: When she has one, you'll have the other and you'll get your chance to have 1:1 bonding time. My DH and I try to take one child out on their own as often as we can. It's amazing to see what little bits of personality come out when their brother or sister aren't around. Plus, they really seem to enjoy the individual attention. My parents will take one child out also. I really think you'll enjoy it if you let her do this for and with you. Even just taking one child to the grocery store is special for them. Sometimes when I do this, I let them snack on animal crackers, or something special that I don't normally do when I have all three little ones. They soak it up!

Have fun!

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Mar 19 2008, 01:26 PM) [snapback]676601[/snapback]
I can really relate to those blue feelings. It was so bad at one point that I stopped hanging around with mothers of singletons. I just couldn't stop the comparisons and I was constantly feeling guilty for not being able to do everything they could do with their single babies. But these days I see more positives than negatives with the whole twin experience. Of course I wish I those early months could have been different, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. My babies weren't born early, but I had PPD and I was not prepared for what bringing home twin babies would mean. I was a mess! Being unsuccessful with breast feeding is probably the biggest regret of my life. All I can do now is try my best TODAY and in the days to come. And I let myself off the hook sometimes - I'm raising TWINS after all. That's a tall order! I bet that singleton moms look up to you and wonder how the heck you do it.


I could have written this myself, so I'll let CHJH say it for me!

Also, check back with those singleton-mom friends when they have their second baby and see how they feel then. I started feeling a lot better about my twin situation when my friends had their second babies, and went through all the guilt over not paying as much attention to the firstborn, more sleepless nights, juggling two different nap schedules, etc. Meanwhile, I had two toddlers who could walk, feed themselves, STTN, and all that good stuff!

As far as spending time one on one, I bet your son would get used to being with your MIL in time. Just because he'll cry isn't a reason not to do it. You deserve some time with your daughter, and your son could benefit from some one-on-one bonding time with your MIL too. Give it several tries before you decide whether it will work or not.

 

QUOTE(HRE @ Mar 19 2008, 06:34 AM) [snapback]676620[/snapback]
:hug99: I'm very sorry you are sad. I do seperate my boys on occassion. It's just so much easier to go to the store with one, so MIL gets the other. I alternate who goes with me, and who stays with her. They both love both things, so it's not like one is getting special treatment. I think it's good for me, good for both of them, and good for MIL to get just one at times as well.


We do this as well (except with daddy not grandma). We started doing it early on so they would get used to the idea of being apart. At first they were a little upset about it but now they know it will all be ok and everyone will be reunited lol. It just takes time.

 

I know exactly how you feel. And I totally understand that tomorrow, you may not feel guilty at all. At least, that's how it is for me. In fact, my husband and I have been considering having another baby. But I feel like my two already get 1/2 of us....now with the thoughts of a third, they'll only get 1/3?

A friend of mine, though, dealt with a bout of infertility and needed some medication to help her get pregnant. She was hoping for twins. Mine were 6 months when her singleton was born. Well, wouldn't you know it, she got pregnant again 3 months after delivering her baby. Her due date is almost exactly one year later to the day of her last due date! So she may not have twins, per se, but she's got herself a pair of Irish twins! So you see, singleton moms are envious of what we have too!

Big hugs. No matter how many children you give birth to at one time, we moms NEVER feel like we're doing enough!

 

I haven't read the other responses but I want to give you :hug99: and let you know that I understand how you feel.

DH and I split the boys up on occasion. Mostly it's when 1 of us is running out. Wednesday I went to Walmart to get some groceries and just took Connor with me.

 

I am sorry you are feeling blue. It is totally normal! I too agree with letting MIL take one twin for a little bit. It might be hard for your son at first, but it will get better. We do try to split up the boys when dh is off and dd is in school. But J is daddy's boy and Z is momma's boy so it works out for us B) Even if its just to the grocer store with one and I stay home with the other. We play individually and work on their speech therapy and everyone feels good :banana:

 

My biggest frustration right now is that they like to run around but where can we go? I can't possibly run 2 different directions at once! I wish we could find a nice little playground that's nicely fenced in. I feel bad when we go out and they're stuck in their car seats, then the stroller, then back in the car seats. They need to get their energy out. That's when I think it would be so much easier with one.

I agree with all the pp, take your mil up on her offer, and take it as slowly as you need to with your son.

:hug99: