Feeling angry and out of sorts and IMPATIENT

This is really just a vent/pity party for me.....the girls are almost ten months and still don't STTN. Recently D has started waking only once to eat, but they're generally up at 5 or 5:30, and it's nearly impossible to get them both back to sleep. Sometimes one will go, but then i START my day with them on completely different schedules and that is just a nightmare.

We've had a really bad two weeks because the girls got strep consecutively AND major teething, and the nights have been rough and we're just exhausted. i ahven't slept in a YEAR because of my awful preg, and DH gets woken up, although I take most nights.

DH and i have been talking about CIO for a little while; I was completely opposed to it but something has to happen; i canNOT continue to function like this. And I figure they're big enough now, they know they're loved, they're secure, they'll be fine. I even did CIo for naps last time we were out in oregon and it worked, then it got all messed up after we travelled back to the east coast and stayed in ny for thanksgiving for a week and had to cross town to get to the family, so I couldnt' get them back to where we were staying for naps.

We have two big trips coming up; we leave on sat morning for a week in mexico at an all-nclusive resort w/his family (where HOPEFULLY the grands and aunts/uncles will do a little babysitting!), then we leave a week later for SIX MONTHS in Oregon w/my family while DH travels incessantly.

This week, we sucked it up and hired a night nurse (for an INSANE amount of money that I really could use elsewhere!) a couple of nights to get some much-needed sleep; we did it last week 2x when i was ready to really have a breakdown. I figured that once we're in Oregon and settled a little I'll do CIO, but it didn't make sense to do it now when we're about to go somewhere, change routine, etc.. He agreed.

So this morning DH tells me that he spoke to the nurse (whom I adore) about their sleeping, and she basically said to him "well, when i work with babies from the beginning, if they're easy they STTN by 3 months, if they're hard it's by 5 months. I work with the mom to make sure they're eating enough during the day and they get a full bottle at 8 or 9 pm and they STTN"

My reaction was -"ok, and how is that ACTIONABLE for me???!!!!!" And, by the way, they were BF'd til they weaned themselves at 7 mos (T took ebm cause she hardly ever latched), and there's no WAY they were going down for ten or twelve hours w/out nursing, AND they're refluxers and didn't ever take more than four ounces at a time til they were nearly six months old or they'd puke it right up. ANd to this day i have tried to stretch them to four hours but it rarely works. Maybe that's because I'm doing something wrong, but even my pedi said that in her experience BF'd babies have ahard time taking 8oz of formula because it's such a different sensatin and they're not used to being so full. But that's a separate rant)

Basically the nurse, who has a million years experience and is a loving and gentle soul said that we need to let them cry it out. OK, I'm there (intellectually, at least). But - there's no point trying it NOW, because we leave in THREE DAYS, and if they're not STTN by then, what am i going to do, let them cry for ages n a resort that i've already read has paper thin walls? I know I'D be PO'd to hear somebody's baby crying for ages when I was on vacation!!! And what's the point of letting them scream and then going in to them in a few days?!!

I think it's just that i'm feeling like I made a major mistake, and that now somehow I'M to blame and it's just one more piece of evidence that I'm a terrible mother. (Mind you, my girls are incredibly happy and social ALL THE TIME, people comment on it, they are incredibly good natured and curious and practically go to anyone.)

And I think it's that I'm embarrassed (ashamed, maybe?) that we're going to go to m y sister's house and although hopefully their room is relatively soundproof (we're staying n the basement, but it's a big, light filled mcmansion so there's lots of room) and the whole house won't have to hear them scream and see what a terrible mom I am...


I know this is just pushing old buttons about my being not competent, but....sheesh, i'm finding myself so angry and so sad and now impatient with them - the ten minute struggle to get on diaper and clothes had me almost yelling at them (which I NEVER do; i have only raised my voice to them once in ten months and it startled us both so much)

Again, this is just an "i'm feeling awful and like a loser mom" post, and i feel like i've lots the oppty to teach them to soothe themselves and now they're doomed to a lifetime of bad sleeping. I'm just looking for some empathy/sympathy kind thoughts.

Oh, and - i still have to pack up our house as if we're moving!

:-(

 

I don't know if you wanted empathy or just to get it out, but I empathize with you. You are NOT the only one with babies that do NOT sleep through the night -- I was just venting to my grandma -- I said something like "I tell my girls that I don't need to see them all night, I'll be fine, just sleep", and she emailed back - "That's funny, Erica, don't bet on it. It's a short time, just go with the flow". No one in my family has had babies that STTN early.

As far as the CIO, we've done it for bedtime and naps, and those are coming along, but I can't get myself to do it in the middle of the night. I, personally, would NOT do it at a resort, I'd just do what I needed to do to get as much sleep as possible (let aunt and uncle stay the night and you go to another room???).

And I also empathize with others hearing your baby(ies) cry and thinking you are a bad Mom. My parents never did any form of CIO with me or my sister and when they were here over Christmas and I just put my babies in their cribs for naps and let them cry for an hour (sometimes, if the nap isn't working that day), I thought I was going to hear it from them about "torturing" their grandchildren. Fortunately, they were pretty good about it - but I still feel like they think sometimes that if I was a good Mom, I wouldn't do that. (as Maya is in her crib crying right now).

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, and that your DH will be away for a long time. Try to enjoy Mexico and time with family. You are a GOOD mom - if you were a bad mom, you wouldn't care!

Erica.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!! :hug99: You are sleep deprived for a LONG LONG time. That can work on your psyche and do bad things to your feelings!

My SIL bf'd for a year and she is now at 18 mos. getting some 12 hr. nights.

I hope your families will help you out a lot when you are with them!! (I also wouldn't allow my kids to CIO at a resort either, fwiw!)

That said, maybe CIO isn't FOR YOU. It's not for everyone! Some babies are adaptable to that and some are not. That being said, the longer you wait to do something, the harder it gets. I think having a plan while you are with your family is a great idea! Hopefully they will be supportive and help you when things get tough!! Hang in there Jordari!! :hug99:

 

First.. breathe!!!!!!! Second... you are NOT a bad mom!!!! :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: Third... I agree that now is not the time to start CIO because you are leaving in a few days. When you get to Oregon, does your sister have kids? Can she help with CIO? Maybe it would work better if she did some of the soothing since she'd be less tempted to pick them up. So glad that you hired someone to help with the nights since its hard enough functioning on little sleep when you are going about your normal daily activities, but planning these trips, prepping your house to leave for 6 months, etc... thats just too much.

You have not doomed your girls to a lifetime of poor sleeping, and you haven't done anything wrong with them. You did what was best for them and now that is changing... now they may be old enough and big enough to be able to STTN. You are adapting to their changing needs because you are a good mom who knows her kids. However, you are also realistic and know that doing CIO while at a resort in mexico is not an option. Since you are traveling with family see if you can put up a sign up sheet for a couple of the nights you are away when others can help with the baby feedings during the night. Or if that doesn't work, pass them off to the ILs in the morning while you go sleep for awhile.

GL and try to enjoy your trip.

 

:hug99: I totally feel your pain. Mine are a little over 8 months and they still get up at least once a night to nurse. I've had a handful of nights where I got a 6 hour stretch of sleep. Dh and I have our disagreements about CIO because he can sleep through their crying so why not do CIO? I however can not stand to listen to them cry, and because I never have confidence in my supply I ALWAYS think they are hungry. BTW mine have NEVER been able to take 8oz so there is no "giving them a big bottle before bed" in this house. I think the thing to focus on here is that you babies ARE wonderful, well adjusted, social butterflies so obviously there is something to be said about your parenting. I have caught my MIL and her girlfriends whispering about how "she just needs to let them cry" and I just want to smack all of them (sorry). You just have to do what you are comfortable with. Although I have a tough time doing it, I do believe that at this point in time CIO is not going to harm them in anyway. Also, it is a guarantee that things are not ALWAYS going to be this way.

To anybody that has anything to say about a crying baby (no matter where you are) "What, you didn't cry when you were a baby?" I do understand your concerns about being at a resort with crying babies though, I would probably just end up getting up with them. If I were at families though I would probably let them cry, well depending on who the family member was <_< . Just try and do what's best for YOU and the BABIES don't worry about what anybody else has to say. Everyone else is entitled to the opportunity to raise their kids the way they want. I always tell people that they are one of the few things I own outright so I'll do what I want with them . Hang in there I hope things get better for you.

 

I don't think we got 12-hr nights before 18 months. All mine were bfed. My first did wake only once in the night after 6 months, and that was the closest I ever got to a child that STTN. I think the girls were 15 months when we finally hit 6 hrs at night.

You are not alone in this. I know it's really hard to go so long without good sleep, and it makes you prone to self-doubt and to thinking other people know better.

I did a sort of modified CIO. I decided that I wanted to sleep, say, from 10 to 2, so I didn't get them before 2 a.m. if they cried. (Mine were at least as old as yours, maybe older, when I did this.) Once I got that established, I pushed it back to 2:30, and so on. I picked 2 at first because they were tending to sleep until around 2 anyway. I gradually got it pushed back to 5 a.m. before they would come in. It wasn't as fast as traditional CIO, but it was easier on my nerves. I'm not a good CIO person.

 

hang in there... your not a bad mother at all... Wish i was heading to Mexico with you... I was there almost 2 years ago and it was heaven... I hope it gets better... Not alot of advice since i dont BF.

 

Hugs to you! I dont' have a lot of advice but know that you aren't alone!

 

:hug99: You are a GREAT mom! You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like you've been taking great care of your babies.

I think we ought to make a special club for moms of older babies who don't STTN. Mine don't either. They're still up once or twice to eat - DD usually only 1x, DS more like 2x. Whenever I get the sense that it's habit and not hunger, or if things get worse for no apparent reason, we'll do some form of sleep training. But for now it's really ok. They go to sleep on their own just fine, and there are plenty of times that they'll fuss/cry a little going through lighter sleep and then go right back to sleep on their own. So I figure if they're asking for food, then they need it. I trust them on this one (though again, I have no aversion to sleep training when the time comes). And they sleep long stretches, so I get enough rest.

Long story short, you are SO not a loser! STTN is not the holy grail of parenthood.

FWIW I wouldn't do CIO at the resort either - I'd wait until you're settled in Oregon so you can be consistent. Consistency will make it easier on the babies and on you.

Good luck! I hope it goes more easily than you expect when the time is right. And don't beat yourself up, you are obviously a wonderful mother.

 

Jordari, you are SO not a bad mother. I have seen you with your wonderful little girls and they are so lovely and loving and clearly happy. And you are so sane and outgoing and supportive yourself for someone who hasn't slept in a year! But it really does sound like it's time to do something so you'll STAY sane.

Reading your post, the first thing to do is to IGNORE THE NURSE. If it weren't YOU going in to them in the night, but a NURSE with a BOTTLE, maybe they would have slept through the night earlier...maybe she's just not worth getting up for (as great as she is)! Does she count the kids who stop STTN at 4 or 5 months? How many of her clients are multiples? Hmm? What does she know about T & D?

I'd agree with everyone else here and wait 'till Oregon. Your sister will get it, and if you do it at the beginning of your stay, you'll all have forgotten it long before you go. From what you've said about how great and supportive she is, I'm sure she'll want to do whatever she can to help you with it - not condemn you for it!!

Visit Powell's for me!

 

Jordari,

I have not read the pp's yet but let me say that YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER. Whenever I post about a worry I am always glad and honored to have you respond as I respect your words of wisdom very much.

My Jack and Lily are 7.5 months and I still feed them when they wake up at night. Many people (my parents included) think this is "wrong" but I would like to have them lay there and listen to the moaning and groaning on the monitor for hours. Soooo much easier, in my opinion, to just feed them quickly and back to sleep they go. Plus, so what if my babies need a bit of a bottle or whatever in the middle of the night. Yes, it is awful but, I have a DH who gets up with one of the babies so it is not THAT bad. I hate to think of leaving them up there (they are both screamers) - how do I know if their diapers aren't too went or they aren't going through a growth spurt and need a sip or if their many teeth coming in are not bothering them and they need a shot of motrin. I keep thinking that while they are teething I am willing to go to each once during the night. They generally (knock on wood) only wake up once each and some nights one of the will STTN. I would rather do a quick bottle at 5:45 and wake up for the day at 7:15 with first nap at 9ish than wake up for the day at 6am with first nap at 8 etc...

ANYWAY, all of that being said ...I FEEL COMPELETLY the same way that you do and wonder if I am doing something wrong. I am dying to do CIO during the night (we already do it for naps and going to bed at night) but a complete chicken about it and wondering if they are going to be up for an early morning snack until they go to college.

We hired a night nanny for three nights a week during the **** that was the first couple of months and found it worth every very expensive penny. Our night nanny became our day nanny (I work from home) and now she does nights for another couple with twins. This woman also has a lactation coach and my nanny said that this lactation coach is telling the parents to push the 5 week olds from 10pm to 6am without a feed. CAN YOU IMAGINE???? My nanny and I think she is nuts and my nanny is going to quit the job because she does not have the heart to make these new babies wait like she is being told to. I don't know what the point of telling you that was other than to say some health care professionals have interesting ideas about what is best for other people's babies! To think that babies can be generalized into ages and expectations is ridiculous.

Again, that being said, kudos to you if you try CIO - I would love to do it myself!

Amy

 

I think I forgot to mention that I AM TOTALLY SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AS WELL - even if it isn't THAT bad (which sometimes it is) I AM TOTALLY SICK OF IT!!!

 

Hugs to you - and I agree with everyone else - you are not a bad mom. My girls will be a year in 2 weeks and they do not STTN. I have not done CIO with them as I don't have it in me. They still wake atleast once - around 2 am for a 6 oz bottle which they suck down and go back to sleep. They wake between 5-6 am and I don't discourage this as I work full time and get to spend a little time with them in the morning before getting ready. They go down for their first nap around 8-8:30 and sleep for 2 hours. their afternoon nap is usually a little shorter. They eat great during the day and their bedtime is 6:30 pm. I've tried to keep them up a little later - but just had cranky tired babies. they go down without a peep at 6:30 - knock on wood. We have a forum similar to this in my home town and I JUST replied to a post this morning - a woman has a 15 mo. old who is not yet STTN either. Many posts agreed their babies were not either at a year or older too. I understand the stress of trying to do CIO at someone else's house. When ever I go somewhere with my girls (single Mom - so wherever I go, people are prepared they'll have to help) I'm always worried if they'll wake everyone in the house etc. and the worry can be exhausting alone. Do what YOU feel is right for you and your babes. You are the mommy and a great one at that, and you know your babies best. good luck to you and happy travelling.

 

I actually started responding to your post yesterday and then got distracted by someone. I just wanted to add that the measure of a good mom is NOT how well her kids sleep! You are fantastic and endlessly patient and have done an amazing job all these months. I hope you have a safe trip to Mexico! Have fun!

Reyna

 

:hug99: I'm sorry sweetie! I know how you feel. Our girls finally started sleeping through at one year; it's been an awesome month now that I'm getting 7-8 hrs at a time! You'll get there and this will be something you laugh about someday. A badge of motherhood, not something to feel guilty over. :hug99:

 

Thank you all for your support. This is exactly the reason I spend so much time on this forum - even when i should be doing something else, like PACKING!!

The good news is: last night Miss Danielle only woke ONCE - AND she must have gotten the memo (or heard me thinking loudly about CIO), because she didn't wake up for the day til 6:45 - a far cry from the last week of 5 or 5:30 am! And Tessa woke twice, but her second time was after D, so- that's when she got up too!

We'll see what happens; definitely not CIOing in mexico but i'm hoping that with some daytime naps perhaps i'll feel more sane. And we'll see what happens.

ok, time to really pack now, so i'm not crazy tomorrow!

 

QUOTE
The good news is: last night Miss Danielle only woke ONCE - AND she must have gotten the memo (or heard me thinking loudly about CIO), because she didn't wake up for the day til 6:45 - a far cry from the last week of 5 or 5:30 am!


Whoohoo! Totally know what you mean about them getting brainwaves. If one of the babies has a really bad night and I spend all day thinking, This is it kiddo, one more night like that and it is full blown CIO for you - the next night they're little angels. They can read minds, I swear!

Good luck packing everything up! What a huge job. I hope you have a WONDERFUL vacation.

 

Oh sweetie! You are not a bad mommy at all. I went through ALL the same things you did (except I never hired a night nurse). I too got to the point where CIO was my only option and once I did it and stuck to it, I cursed myself for not doing it sooner. First of all, I'm just wondering why you are still doing a feeding during the night? Did the ped say to do that? I know all peds are different but mine said after 7 months, no more night time feedings. He said that they should be getting plenty calories from their formula and food during the day. At 7 months I stopped all nighttime bottles. After a couple of nights Arwen started sleeping through the night (except when her sister would wake her) but Lorien continued to wake up but I didn't feed her. I hate to tell you this but Lorien still wakes up at least once during the night and she is 21 months old! She's just not a good sleeper. However, I do not get up to tend to her anymore. I used to go in there as soon as I heard her whimpering but I started to realize that that's all it was...a whimper. She wasn't REALLY crying as if she was hurt or something. So, I would just listen to her on the monitor and eventually she would just start playing in her crib (playing with her pacifiers, her mobile, her doll, babbling) and then she would eventually fall asleep. Eventually, I started to sleep through the night as well and I felt like a new woman and I felt that I had a lot more patience with my girls during the day. Amazing what a full nights rest can do. I know CIO is not for everyone. In fact, it was not for me. I just didn't feel ready to let my babies cry but I got to the point where enough was enough and as I said, if I had known how easy it would be, I would have done it much sooner. :fool: I would say if it's possible to just make sure that you wake them both up at the same time, put them down for naps at the same time, wake them from naps at the same time and to bed at the same time, they will most likey eventually get into some kind of a pattern. I learned that here from some TSers and it really helped me. Be very consistent with the time you put them to sleep for naps and bedtime and things will fall in line. I hope whatever you try, you figure it out asap so you can get some much needed rest.