Feel so bad

Gosh, I'm feeling like a bad Mom. I just explained one of Isabel's homework assignments to her. The whole school is taking part in this. Each student is assigned an international flag. Their job is to decorate the flag using the true colors of that flag if possible. They stressed using creativity like glitter, yarn, ribbons, markers, etc. and just try to use the colors of the country's flag. I helped her come up with some materials she might be able to use (feathers, stickers, ribbons, glitter glue, pipe cleaners, etc.). She helped come up with these materials. She was assigned the Mexican Flag (green, white and red / 3 columns). Then, she went over to the table and about 2 minutes later came back with it and said she was done. She used 2 crayons and colored one half a column green and the other 1/2 red and on the opposite side, she alternated it with the top 1/2 red and the bottom 1/2 green. The middle column stayed white. No coloring of the middle at all. I asked her if she was done and she said yes. Then I said "I'm surprised that you chose to use 2 crayons rather than some of the creative materials you just talked about. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that you rushed through it without putting more thought into it". I try to never criticize her homework or efforts and usually try to help her think of ways to problem solve, but I couldn't believe she didn't TRY. That's so not like her! She's the one that wants to be an artist and loves all that stuff. And now I'm feeling like crap for saying that to her.

 

I do believe that it helps to be supportive and positive with our children and their efforts, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to sometimes let them know we're disappointed in them, especially if you know she can do better. It would be one thing if you had seen that she put a lot of time and effort into the coloring of the project and knew that she had really tried. Then expressing your disappointment might not have been appropriate. I'm a firm believer that our children live up to our expectations and if we let them believe that we don't expect very much from them, that's what we'll get. I often tell my kids that if they get a B or a C on something and I know that they have studied hard and put effort into it, I don't mind the grade. But, if they went into something unprepared and didn't do their best, and they get a B or C, I'm going to be pretty disappointed and unhappy. Did you ask her why she decided not to use any of the more creative items you had discussed together? Maybe you can discuss it with her later and get more of a feeling as to why she decided to just color the flag. The other thing to think about, and maybe discuss with her, is that when she takes it to school and sees the flags done by other students that have put more creative effort into the project, is she going to feel bad about her own flag?

 

I agree, using materials was really part of the assignment so her efforts were disappointing. If you aren't in the habit of criticizing her so that she doesn't feel that *she* a disappointment, letting her know what they did wasn't up to par is fine. Letting our kids do whatever they feel like just so we only ever say positive things to them doesn't help them grow as people. There are be plenty of times in life when we feel like doing a shoddy job of something because it's not interesting to us or convenient (I'm thinking of cooking here for myself!), but we can't be like that. There's a big difference between being loving and being gentle, Sometimes being loving means saying, "You can do better than this."

 

i totally agree with what the 2 previous posters said. i couldn't have said it better than they did. i don't think what you said was inappropriate at all. it's ok to let your kids know when you expect more. chances are she knows that she didn't live up to the spirit of the project. what's important is that you criticize the behavior, not the child personally & i think you did so appropriately.

 

I agree with the pps. Also, it's hard when you are truly disappointed. Not a good feeling. But, it would be a bad thing if you let her think it was acceptable. I think if you had yelled at her, she might have hurt feelings. But, it sounds like she needed to hear about your expectations.

I often go back and tell my kids, "I'm not mad. I felt disappointed becasuse I know you are capable of so much more. "

 

After we talked a bit more about it, she did go and add some extra things, which I made sure to tell her I was proud of her effort and going back to complete a job she knew wasn't her best work. I guess I'm really spoiled with her b/c she's a great student and needs hardly any direction. Often times, I don't know how much parental involvement is expected, but she usually just needs the instructions given and she's good to go. Then, I'll go back and try to do some more challenging questions to make her think a bit more or ask her to explain how she got the answer. Often times, she just "knows" the answer (to math and such). But, I am happy and proud of her for going back and creating something she could also be proud to turn in.

 

I am glad she went back and added more material. I too would have told my child I was disappointed as well. Especially if you know they didn't do their best and you saw it was just a quick way out. There is nothing wrong with expressing your sadness over that in my opinion.