Feel Guilty About Not Breastfeeding

Well my intention was to give breastfeeding a shot when the girls were born. It took almost a week before my milk even came in. The girls would not latch on very good or for very long so I decided I would pump and give it to them. I introduced it into their feedings and their poor little systems got all out of whack and made them miserable so I scaled back to only a feeding of bm in the morning to see how they did. They still get upset/fussy immediately following this feeding. I think I am throwing in the towel. I spend so much time pumping during the day that I would rather be spending with the girls. I just feel guilty for stopping. I don't want to face my pediatrician at next week's appointment. I felt the pressure the first visit about breastfeeding and I am sure she will ask if I still am. I just don't want to get the disappointing look from her, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. I know how good it is supposed to be but it seems to be causing more stress for both me and the girls. Anyone else relate?

 

Please please please dont feel guilty although I think many of us that tried did feel that way. I should have been pumping in the hospital but had bad nurses who were not showing me enough guidance. My two barely latched on. When I got home I pumped for about a week or two and I remember the milk slowly dripping out- barely enough to fill even half of a bottle. I was in the bedroom by myself and it was miserable. When I made the decision to stop, I was sad for a day or two but then I realized stopping was what was going to be best for me and the boys. As soon as I stopped, I was able to be more relaxed and I think that is so important espcially during those early weeks/months. :hug99: I think I was sad too because I had all the gear and was so ready to go. It was somthing I believed in and then when it did not work, I was shocked. But in the end, everything worked out fine (and others were always able to help feed a baby)!

 

Is it possible they're sensitive to a food you're eating, and maybe that's why they're fussy after getting your breastmilk?

If you do want to continue, I would post on the breastfeeding forum here -- you will get all kinds of support and advice for ways to make it work.

Breastfeeding twins is HARD -- I, too, had the best of intentions, but it didn't go as smoothly as I planned. But, I am still pumping for my babies at 7 months -- every day I want to quit, but I hear you about the guilt! It's one of the things keeping me going....

 

I did just reread your post. My sisters daughter who is now three months was fussy during the early days of nursing and then was fine. As Becca said, you may want to post in the breastfeeding forum.

 

I was in a similar situation and felt intense guilt. I still think about it often. My boys are happy and healthy. I stopped pumping when they were 4 weeks old. Looking back, I wish I'd pumped longer. I should have just done it 4 times a day, when I could. Formula has helped my babies to thrive but it has cost us an arm and a leg.

 

There is no need to feel guilty. I will second the prompt to visit the breastfeeding forum. I wouldn't have made it this far without those ladies. BM is easier on the system than formula so I really doubt it was causing the problem. However, when you are in the thick of it you'll try anything to fix it. I remember feeling like I could fix fussiness by not BF. Please don't feel guilty!

 

I struggled with the idea of breastfeeding a lot, especially at the end of my pregnancy. It seemed to me like everyone was pressuring me to breastfeed, making comments to me all the time like "it's what is best for the babies" and "you will bond with them if you breastfeed".....like if I didn't breastfeed it meant that I didn't want what is best for them and I wouldn't bond with them.....I was still undecided so I scheduled an appointment to meet my babies' future pediatrician, and discuss it with her. She said that my mother and some other people might not like her for saying so, but that if I was not enthusiastic about breastfeeding that I shouldn't bother with it, that formula feeding is A-OKAY and not to let anyone guilt me into breastfeeding. She doesn't see any higher rates of illness or loss of intelligence in FF babies, or any of the other things people told me in an attempt to scare me into breastfeeding.

Now that I have 3 months of experience I think I feel differently about it and if I could attempt it at this point I would, but in those early days of not having a clue of what I was doing I just couldn't do it. If I have a 3rd baby one day I definitely want to breastfeed because I want to experience that, but I was so overwhelmed with twins and with having babies for the first time that I could not handle being the sole food source for the babies at that time, and I honestly think it was the best decision for our family at that time.

I would offer the same advice that my pedi gave me, if you feel like bf'ing is not for you, don't let anyone guilt you into it or make you feel guilty about it, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding your babies.

 

I too decided to throw in the breastfeeding towel, mine latched okay, but would want to eat for 20 minutes every 45-90 minutes. DH had to go back to work when they were one week old and I was here alone with them, I pumped for a few weeks, but found I was doing nothing but pumping, feeding, changing diapers and starting all over again. At 3.5 weeks, I stopped, I was guility for about a week but then I realized how much happier and relaxed I was and a happy mommy equals happy babies and I never looked back. I have thriving babies who have never been sick (knock on wood) and do great with the formula.


If you want to continue then seek out support but if you don't want to continue please do not feel bad!!

 

I breastfeed my babies for 3 months (not exclusively, I always had to supplement a little). It was not too bad in the beginning because I had my mother with me for six weeks and it was very important to her that I try it, so she really helped a lot. Then after that, I continued out of guilt as well, but by the end of the third month I couldn't do it anymore. I feel guilty about it, but I just keep telling myself that I am just as good of a mom as anybody, breastfeeding or no. Oh yeah and as soon as I stopped my boys started STTN.

 

I was not planning on breastfeeding at all but my babies came early so the NICU nurses told me to just try to breastfeed b/c it would help them out so much. I went every day all day to breastfeed and pumped through the night even when I got home. My babies came home at different times. I got very frustrated with DD and trying to breastfeed her. She would not latch on and was very fussy due to colic and reflux. I was ready to quit altogether at 2 1/2 months old, but I decided to continue to breastfeed DS and I am glad I did that. It was so much less stressful when I put DD on formula. I LOVE breastfeeding DS though. He is my only child of 4 that I have breastfed this long and I love it. To me it is easier to feed him than his sister. He only takes 3-4 minutes per breast. It was VERY VERY hard the first 3 months though. Breastfeeding has gotten so easy in the last month and a half. I plan on breastfeeding DS until he decides he is ready to quit.

 

I pumped every 2 hours around the clock until they were 4 months old and it is SO incredibily hard to do. I finally had to stop b/c of complete exhaustion and stress (both babies were colicky), I started to dry. I did feel very guilty and still wish I could have continued. I would have if I wouldnt have dried up, but I think was my body's way of telling me I'm pushing too hard. I would change something in your diet before giving up bfing (spicy, dairy) unless you just really want to quit. But it is your choice whether to quit or not. Only you know what you go through and if you do quit, you shouldnt feel guilty about it (easier said then done tho)

 

Maybe you shouldn't look at it as you've given up, but rather you are "choosing" to switch to formula. I definitely say don't feel guilty. I also say not to let anyone make you feel guilty. Easier said than done, I definitely know that. All anyone can do is the best they can do and that's it. You've done a great job and bfing this long has affected them positively.

 

QUOTE(ca2pa2005 @ Jan 25 2008, 03:26 PM) [snapback]589678[/snapback]
Well my intention was to give breastfeeding a shot when the girls were born. It took almost a week before my milk even came in. The girls would not latch on very good or for very long so I decided I would pump and give it to them. I introduced it into their feedings and their poor little systems got all out of whack and made them miserable so I scaled back to only a feeding of bm in the morning to see how they did. They still get upset/fussy immediately following this feeding. I think I am throwing in the towel. I spend so much time pumping during the day that I would rather be spending with the girls. I just feel guilty for stopping. I don't want to face my pediatrician at next week's appointment. I felt the pressure the first visit about breastfeeding and I am sure she will ask if I still am. I just don't want to get the disappointing look from her, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. I know how good it is supposed to be but it seems to be causing more stress for both me and the girls. Anyone else relate?

Don't feel bad about it at all!!!! Breastfeeding is not an option for everyone. I had not planned on breastfeeding and I was glad that I did not because my milk never came in ( I have PCOS and my hormones are completely out of whack). You do what works best for you and your family. Don't let anyone make you feel like less of a Mom, even your pediatrician, because you are a great MOM!

 

:hug99: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Definitely visit the BF forum - the ladies there are awesome! So many of us have BTDT, I'm sure you'll get great support there.

There are so many reasons why your babies could be fussy after feeding. Babies are just fussy. I'd be surprised if your milk were the problem, since breastmilk is the gentlest thing out there for their tummies. They could have reflux, it could be gas from the bottles... And it's always possible they have a food allergy and are sensitive to something you're eating. Formulas are based on the two all-time biggest infant allergens (cow's milk and soy), so that wouldn't necessarily solve your problem, unless you went to something like Nutramigen, which is very expensive. Anyway, your milk isn't poison! I'd ask your pedi about this issue.

Have you thought about taking them to the breast again? Maybe with help from a lactation consultant? I don't know how early your twins were, but since almost all twins are early, there's a good chance that's the reason why they wouldn't latch well at first. A lot of preemies don't really "get it" until around their due date. With a little practice they might become total nursing champs, and then you could spend time with them instead of the pump, and it is so much easier than pumping. BFing is a lot of work in the beginning, but after you're past the learning curve, it is really the easiest way in the world to feed a baby. Nothing to buy, measure, mix, clean up - just open your bra and you're done. Plus when they're older they can get a full feeding in 5-10 min.

Also keep in mind that EVERYTHING about having newborn twins is exhausting and stressful! BFing and/or pumping takes some work, for sure, but so does formula feeding. All that work preparing and washing up bottles, all the second-guessing about whether they're on the right formula, all the extra time it takes to burp and de-gas babies (since they take in so much more air with a bottle)... Not to mention how expensive it is.

What if you figured out how many thousands of dollars (and it would definitely be in the thousands) formula feeding would cost, and then spent that money on hiring some help to make your life easier right now? You could Peapod your groceries, get a cleaning service, order lots of takeout, get a sitter and/or a mother's helper... That would probably be more useful than switching to formula as far as letting you spend time with those wonderful babies (and get some time to recharge your batteries too).

Keep in mind too that BFing is not all-or-nothing. Breastfeeding does NOT mean you have to be your babies' sole source of food. Lots of us who BF twins give bottles here and there, whether it's pumped milk or formula, so that we can get out and get a break, or have our DHs take over some night feedings, or even just because we're sick of nursing by the end of the day! You can have it both ways.

Sorry I'm writing a book here. Let me just say too that I am NOT trying to pressure you or guilt you into continuing. Only you know what's right for you. It's your decision, and nobody in their right mind will think any less of you no matter what you do. But once you get past the rough part in the beginning, BFing is by far the EASIEST thing in the world. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if you decide to keep going!

And if not, then give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for giving your babies the best possible start in life! Every drop of milk you've given them so far is a wonderful gift, and you should be so proud. :bow2:

 

Ok, Holly just said it all perfectly---but I definitely wanted to agree that it is not all or nothing. And you're in the hardest part right now. I did nothing but BF all day/all night for weeks after they were born. But it gets SO much easier once you get past this hurdle. I promise. If it is important to you, then set a goal a week at a time and see how it goes. Good luck!!!

Reyna

 

Please, please, please don't feel guilty. You can give your babies far more focus if you aren't second-guessing yourself.

And shame on your pediatrician if they make you feel guilty, because they should be helping you choose the best options for your baby, not trying to shame you into a choice that makes you uncomfortable.

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Jan 25 2008, 02:54 PM) [snapback]589844[/snapback]
:hug99: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Definitely visit the BF forum - the ladies there are awesome! So many of us have BTDT, I'm sure you'll get great support there.

There are so many reasons why your babies could be fussy after feeding. Babies are just fussy. I'd be surprised if your milk were the problem, since breastmilk is the gentlest thing out there for their tummies. They could have reflux, it could be gas from the bottles... And it's always possible they have a food allergy and are sensitive to something you're eating. Formulas are based on the two all-time biggest infant allergens (cow's milk and soy), so that wouldn't necessarily solve your problem, unless you went to something like Nutramigen, which is very expensive. Anyway, your milk isn't poison! I'd ask your pedi about this issue.

Have you thought about taking them to the breast again? Maybe with help from a lactation consultant? I don't know how early your twins were, but since almost all twins are early, there's a good chance that's the reason why they wouldn't latch well at first. A lot of preemies don't really "get it" until around their due date. With a little practice they might become total nursing champs, and then you could spend time with them instead of the pump, and it is so much easier than pumping. BFing is a lot of work in the beginning, but after you're past the learning curve, it is really the easiest way in the world to feed a baby. Nothing to buy, measure, mix, clean up - just open your bra and you're done. Plus when they're older they can get a full feeding in 5-10 min.

Also keep in mind that EVERYTHING about having newborn twins is exhausting and stressful! BFing and/or pumping takes some work, for sure, but so does formula feeding. All that work preparing and washing up bottles, all the second-guessing about whether they're on the right formula, all the extra time it takes to burp and de-gas babies (since they take in so much more air with a bottle)... Not to mention how expensive it is.

What if you figured out how many thousands of dollars (and it would definitely be in the thousands) formula feeding would cost, and then spent that money on hiring some help to make your life easier right now? You could Peapod your groceries, get a cleaning service, order lots of takeout, get a sitter and/or a mother's helper... That would probably be more useful than switching to formula as far as letting you spend time with those wonderful babies (and get some time to recharge your batteries too).

Keep in mind too that BFing is not all-or-nothing. Breastfeeding does NOT mean you have to be your babies' sole source of food. Lots of us who BF twins give bottles here and there, whether it's pumped milk or formula, so that we can get out and get a break, or have our DHs take over some night feedings, or even just because we're sick of nursing by the end of the day! You can have it both ways.

Sorry I'm writing a book here. Let me just say too that I am NOT trying to pressure you or guilt you into continuing. Only you know what's right for you. It's your decision, and nobody in their right mind will think any less of you no matter what you do. But once you get past the rough part in the beginning, BFing is by far the EASIEST thing in the world. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if you decide to keep going!

And if not, then give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for giving your babies the best possible start in life! Every drop of milk you've given them so far is a wonderful gift, and you should be so proud. :bow2:



Ditto (man I love it when she gets to a post before me :winking0009: ). Breast is best, but formula is not evil....only you know what is best in your situation. All I would want to stress is don't give up when you are having a bad day......think about it rationally and make a sound decision you won't regret in a few days.

 

QUOTE(moontwins @ Jan 25 2008, 09:27 PM) [snapback]589798[/snapback]
I was not planning on breastfeeding at all but my babies came early so the NICU nurses told me to just try to breastfeed b/c it would help them out so much. I went every day all day to breastfeed and pumped through the night even when I got home. My babies came home at different times. I got very frustrated with DD and trying to breastfeed her. She would not latch on and was very fussy due to colic and reflux. I was ready to quit altogether at 2 1/2 months old, but I decided to continue to breastfeed DS and I am glad I did that. It was so much less stressful when I put DD on formula. I LOVE breastfeeding DS though. He is my only child of 4 that I have breastfed this long and I love it. To me it is easier to feed him than his sister. He only takes 3-4 minutes per breast. It was VERY VERY hard the first 3 months though. Breastfeeding has gotten so easy in the last month and a half. I plan on breastfeeding DS until he decides he is ready to quit.


Oh my gosh..I have almost the same story with my b/g twins.... At 7 weeks my dd just quit on me! And I kept on bf my ds... I felt like I was the only twin mother on the planet that bf one and bottle fed the other....and it worked out really well!

Sorry....I sidelined there....

To the OP...don't feel guilty. My litmus test for bf, and I've had a variety of bf experiences, is that when you feel worse about continuing to try than you do about quitting then it's time to quit. Your peds should not come down on you....many, many twin moms just can't do it. Heck many moms of singletons can't do it either. As a good friend of mine once said, "It's not what you feed them....but IF you feed them, that's important!" LOL!! Your babies are going to thrive on your love and whatever food they get whether formula or bm..whether from bottle or breast. And there are things that are very nice and special about bottlefeeding. I know for sure I was glad to experience both bottle and bf with my 4 kids to varying degrees.

 

This is what is so upsetting to me about the whole breastfeeding world. Listen, bfing is NOT for everyone. I also had such dreams of bfing my kids but my girls were having constant latching problems, and when they did get on they would suck for an hour! I was physically, mentally and emotionally (and while we're at it why don't we throw in hormonally) exhausted. I tried pumping and would pump for 15 minutes and get an ounce!!! I finally came to terms that I just couldn't do it. Kudos to the moms who do but I am not them. I felt some guilt in the beginning but more than anything I missed the bond of looking down at my baby while she fed and having that amazing cuddle time. The one thing that got me through it and took my guilt away was the fact that MANY AND PLENTY OF BABIES HAVE ONLY BEEN FORMULA FED AND THEY TURNED OUT TO BE JUST FINE! I have always had good sized babies and they never had a cold until they were about a year old. As long as they are getting the nutrients they need who cares how they get it. Sure I could have kept trying to pump until my nips fell off and I went completely insane from frustration and exhaustion but what kind of mommy could I have been to my girls in that condition? It was such a relief to finally make the decision to stop. Dh was now able to help me with so many feedings and I was able to get a little more rest.

If your Ped makes you feel guilty then you may want to think about changing peds. It is not their job to judge you or make you feel guilty in anyway. It is their job to take care of your babies. You walk in there and strongly say, "Bfing is not for me. I gave it a shot, let's move on. What formula do I use?" and leave it at that. If he or she tries to convince you that you should keep trying then ask him/her "Oh, well, why don't you tell me how YOU did it with twins."

GL to you!

 

QUOTE(double-or-nothing @ Jan 26 2008, 07:22 AM) [snapback]590594[/snapback]
This is what is so upsetting to me about the whole breastfeeding world. Listen, bfing is NOT for everyone. I also had such dreams of bfing my kids but my girls were having constant latching problems, and when they did get on they would suck for an hour! I was physically, mentally and emotionally (and while we're at it why don't we throw in hormonally) exhausted. I tried pumping and would pump for 15 minutes and get an ounce!!! I finally came to terms that I just couldn't do it. Kudos to the moms who do but I am not them. I felt some guilt in the beginning but more than anything I missed the bond of looking down at my baby while she fed and having that amazing cuddle time. The one thing that got me through it and took my guilt away was the fact that MANY AND PLENTY OF BABIES HAVE ONLY BEEN FORMULA FED AND THEY TURNED OUT TO BE JUST FINE! I have always had good sized babies and they never had a cold until they were about a year old. As long as they are getting the nutrients they need who cares how they get it. Sure I could have kept trying to pump until my nips fell off and I went completely insane from frustration and exhaustion but what kind of mommy could I have been to my girls in that condition? It was such a relief to finally make the decision to stop. Dh was now able to help me with so many feedings and I was able to get a little more rest.

If your Ped makes you feel guilty then you may want to think about changing peds. It is not their job to judge you or make you feel guilty in anyway. It is their job to take care of your babies. You walk in there and strongly say, "Bfing is not for me. I gave it a shot, let's move on. What formula do I use?" and leave it at that. If he or she tries to convince you that you should keep trying then ask him/her "Oh, well, why don't you tell me how YOU did it with twins."

GL to you!


Amen!! I'm VERY anti guild when it comes to bf'ing - heck I didn't even try - and don't for one minute regret or second guess my decision...my kids have had 3 colds in nearly 2 years and 1 bout of rotovirus - thats more than I can say for friends who have bf'ed and had their kids get ear infection after cold and are on their 2nd set of tubes - as long as you're feeding your baby thats all that matters!

 

I desperately wanted to breast feed but it didn't work out for me. I'm still disappointed and my boys are almost 11 months old, but what can you do? They're happy and healthy so that's the main thing. Yesterday my MIL gave us a bunch of paperwork and pictures from when my husband was a baby. Included was his hospital paperwork from when he was a little newborn. You know what he was eating? Carnation milk mixed with water and a bit of syrup!! This was "formula" in those days. I had no idea. He wasn't breast fed past the colostrum phase. Anyway, my husband is brilliant, gorgeous, kind-hearted, and a super-talented artist and musician. All on Carnation milk!! Contemporary formula, while it doesn't contain precious anti-bodies, is a safe, healthy alternative and your babies will thrive so long as you give them all the love and food you need. If you are able to see an LC and get going with nursing, great. If you can pump for a few more weeks/months (take it a week at a time!), excellent (once your supply is well established you won't be chained to the pump so much - you can do it 4 times a day and get quite a lot of milk), if you switch to formula, fantastic. The main thing is that you and your babies are happy. I'm here to tell you that while breast feeding is optimal, it is not always possible and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Take it from someone who wasted MONTHS on guilt - so much so that I gave myself a stress/anxiety condition that probably lead to my recent diagnosis of Grave's disease. There is no time for guilt when you're raising twins!

 

I have been struggling a lot with it too. I tried at first- it got too hard- stopped, then decided to try again, then stopped again. It was so stressful for me- not having enough milk, my two year old doing everything he should not while I was tied down, etc. I keep telling myself I had to do what I had to do- it was the best for my children- I was sooo stressed- and knew going back to work would throw in more stress. But I do still feel guilty about it from time to time. It really helped me when the pediatrician wasn't hateful with me over it- she told me formula is so close now, and they will do just fine- my hubby also told me how proud he was of me giving it an honest try. Try not to beat yourself up over it!

 

The guilt is horrible isn't it??!!? I felt-and still feel-guilty because my boys aren't exclusively breast fed. I do pump for them-and have been for 14 weeks now. But I still feel guilty I didn't breastfeed them. I tried and it just didn't work for me. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried harder, but I was too stressed in the hospital with constant visitors(my inlaws stayed 4 hours one day-and she was talking to dh about things I should do to b/f-and she didn't b/f), and my other son was in the NICU. They had problems latching and it hurt like heck. It just wasn't for me. So I pump. And I want to stop. But-the guilt keeps me going. If anything, I will go till March/April. We just take it one day at a time. Don't feel guilty. It's hard-but try not to-and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Until they've walked a mile in your shoes...

Good luck with everything!

 

i'm exclusively pumping. i started giving the bottle every once in a while in teh beginning to make it easier on me, that once in a while became a lot, and now my girls will not even latch on! i feel horrible. i'm still trying, though. i don't necessarily want to bf them exclusively (i can't anyway, becuase i don't produce enough milk for the both of them), i just want that bonding time back. i don't mind pumping so much (though i do miss my boobs pre-preg), but i just want to be able to bf again. i feel guilty all the time, but you know what? i know we have a special bond, bf-ing or not, because when i see them first thing in teh morning and they squeeze themselves in delight knowing i'm going to pick them up and give them kisses, and they dont' act that way with anyone else!

 

I just wanted to thank everyone for your supportive words. I am glad I am not alone

 

Don't feel guilty. I had two singletons and BF them exclusively for 3 and 4 months each. I decided I would do both for the twins - BF and formula. In the hospital everything went smoothly with BF especially since I knew what I was doing from the older two children.

I lasted two more weeks at home and decided to quit. After MANY tears and talks with my husband and pedi, I knew it was best for my family to quit. What few minutes pumping required I needed for my family. You should do what works for you. Many of us feel guilty in the beginning but now my twins are 6 months old and just had their first touch of a cold.

Good luck with your decision and no matter what you decide your twins will be healthy and happy with no matter what type of food they get.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling! With my older DS I breastfed him for 3 weeks and then stopped. I felt so guilty but I just couldn't do it anymore. And with the twins I never even tried....I knew that with a 20 month old running around and then having two the stress of BF would just be to much for me. In the hospital when the nurse said "they are preemies and every drop of breastmilk you give them is a gift" it made me feel like the worst mom in the world for not at least pumping, but I knew for my own sanity that formula was the choice for me.

Also to be perfectly honest I didn't enjoy breastfeeding. I loved the closeness with my son, but that was about it. I hated the letdown feeling, pumping forever just to get an ounce, feeding him constantly, and the fact that I still didn't have my body to myself (*guilt*)...so while I think it is wonderful to breastfeed and I would encourage anyone to at least give it a try, don't beat yourself up over it if you decide to quit.