Fear of strangers

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by monica77, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. monica77

    monica77 Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Our boy/girl twins are 21 months and they are very different about social situations. Max is very friendly and outgoing and Vanessa is the opposite - she gets so scared whenever she sees someone new or even neighbors. She seems to be comfortable only around us and my parents - even my Father in law seems to make her nervous lately. She gets so scared of new people she cries, she wants me to pick her up and she looks away. I don't know how to deal with this, and it's new to our families also, both my parents and my inlaws remember my DH and I being friendly toddlers. They don't go to daycare and they are home with my parents, but we take them out shopping, at theme parks, at friends' houses. If someone else comes to our house, she just goes into a corner or wants to be picked up.

    Other than this, she seems to understand a lot, she loves books, puzzles, animals and she knows more words than her brother - but she is just very shy.

    Everybody is telling me it's just a phase and just deal with it, but it seems to be getting worse. What do you guys think? I want to see if there's a different approach to this.


    Thank you,

    Monica
     
  2. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I think right now, it could be just a phase. You might see that she just might always be reserved and wary of people. I wouldn't draw attention to it or make excuses for her, it just is the way she is right now. If you remain concerned when she goes for her two year appointment, mention it to your pediatrician.
    My DD (she's 4)goes to therapy for social anxiety disorder (since January). What made us to decide to send her is that her shyness was not getting any better and she was very shy and fearful of people she knew her whole life. We had hoped that sending her (and DS) to a neighborhood preschool would bring her out of her shell, but that did not really help. For my DD it seemed to really kick in at 2.5.
     
  3. Twin nanny

    Twin nanny Well-Known Member

    I don't know that I would say it's a phase (although the crying should be), it's more likely to just be the way she is. Some children need more time to adjust to new situations and people than others. Naomi and Luke are very quiet around people-especially adults-they don't know and they've always been like that. They will answer a direct question (an improvement because around 3 they wouldn't answer at all and at 4-5 they would give the shortest answer possible) but they won't start up conversation themselves. Alyssa and Bryony used to be very quiet around strangers as well, they are more confident now though.

    As far as what you can do I think you need to give her the time and space she needs around new people, and obviously continue to reassure her when she's upset/scared. The more secure she feels the quicker she's likely to warm up to the new person. It may help a little if you can give her advance warning of when people are coming round-explain who is coming and what they're like. Also talk up things like going out to friends houses, theme parks and even shopping-again just talk about the people you are likely to see and explain that you or your parents will be there the whole time ("After snack we are going to the shop to get some milk and bread. There will be lots of people in the shop, all getting their food. You can sit in the cart with Max and Mommy will push you round the shop"). For family that you don't see as often, like your FIL, it might help to look at photos of them with her and talk about who they are, even better if you have a photo of her together with him. If you have them displayed somewhere you could just talk about them when you pass the picture.
     
  4. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    I would not push her too much for now, or talk about it to her or in front of her. Give her the security she needs with you and try to signal to her that the situation is ok, i.e. talking to your FIL with her on your arms, greeting friends with delight etc. Model friendly behaviour in society and let her watch you.

    One of mine was very shy and more than wary of strangers and strange situations, often cring and clinging to me. He is now (nearly 3) coming out of his shell, talking to other parents at daycare drop off, shaking people's hands in church, being a host at home and welcoming friends etc. He will never be as outgoig as his sister but he is very "gentlemanly" in a reserved way.

    I would mention it to your pedi at the next check-up, but I not worry at this age.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. monica77

    monica77 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies. She's not bad in public, she is always observing and pointing things, being in a crowd doesn't bother her. If someone comes over and says - "Oh, what a pretty girl" or if we see a neighbor and they say "Oh, Vanessa you grew so much", or something along those lines, she wants to be picked up and/or she starts crying out of the blue. Plus, you know, being twins, at times people come and just say hi and notice them more, and that's what makes her nervous.

    I think if Max wasn't the total opposite, I wouldn't have noticed it so much. For instance once we were shopping and they were both in the same cart, a lady came and told us she has twins also, and Max raised his hands for her to pick him up :)- so he's that kind of outgoing. I hope she will get over it in time. For now I am trying not to make a big deal about it also, and I just try to comfort her and reassure her it's OK. Needless to say, Max is the life of the party when we go somewhere, and all our friends and family seem closer to him, because she rejects any kind of attention. I wonder if she notices that and that makes her even more introverted also.
     
  6. Danibell

    Danibell Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with the others, I wouldn't push it, and I wouldn't call attention to it, but I also wouldn't worry about it too much.

    My oldest son has always been, and still is, pretty shy. Not to the point where he has problems in school, but if someone we casually know says Hi, he'll shuffle his feet, clasp his arms behind his back, give a shy smile and say "Hi" very quietly. It's just the way he is. He's 10 now. He's also very sensitive, and not a typical boy. He doesn't play rough, he's not really into sports, but he's incredibly smart and loves to assemble/disassemble things to figure out how they work. He's very much like his dad.

    My oldest daughter was painfully fearful, of people, even family, and of any different situation other than home. She'd have almost anxiety attacks when we were at friends or families places. She kept her paci until she was over 3 yrs old, even during the day, because it was her security. It was the only way to get her to calm down when she started sobbing uncontrollably. She's outgrown that, and now at age 5, is very outgoing, and will talk to anyone, even strangers.

    My twins are also different. Rylee is a little shy, but will smile, wave, say hi to other people. Liam, he hides behind us, buries his face in our crotch (or shoulder when we pick him up), and won't even look at other people. But within 20-30 mins he'll start to warm up and will soon be running and playing and talking to everyone.

    One thing I've learned with 4 kids is you absolutely can't compare them, even if 2 of them are twins. Every single kid is going to be different in so many ways ;)
     
  7. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    Both of my girls were like that at that age. Even with their daddy! He got transferred when they were 18 months old and would come home maybe once every 6 weeks. They wanted no part of him it was heartbreaking. I used to call them antisocial because I was the only one they wanted or would let do anything for them. Now at 5 they are the most social little butterflies I have ever seen - total opposites of how they were. They make friends everywhere we go. They will talk to anyone and if that lucky person talks back they get our entire life story LOL!! I think it is just a phase kids go through.

    Edited to add, i did nothing to provoke a change it just came with age!
     
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