Father of twin boys looking for advice before wife goes crazy

I am a father of twin 12 year old boys. Looking for advice, answers, and help from anyone who has gone through the same experience. We are concerned that the behavior of our twins is not normal. Not sure if this is part of the problem: They are always together. Share the same room, sport, friends and interests. Neither twin seems to be more dominant than the other. Examples below of behavior that we are going through on a daily basis.

Sports: Both boys are very athletic and competitive and participate in travel ice hockey. They coexist fine on the team however after games or situations the following negative attitude may take place, where one twin may start and it escalates into constant back and forth ---- We lost that game because of you. Why did you make that stupid play. I had 2 goals, how many did you have, etc... It may also start when one communicates with me...Dad did you see that play that I made? Then his brother will somehow try to belittle the play which results in a back and forth insult war.

At Home Behavior: They seem to constantly put each other down. Can't tell you how many times a day we have to intervene with Hot Sauce, Timeouts, Punishments. It is exhausting. You're Ugly (they look alike, many can' tell them apart). You'r Fat (neither are fat and they both weigh about the same). Why do you have pimples? The insults go on and on. These types of comments seem to happen all the time and escalate into wrestling matches where one tries to prove dominance over the other or escalates into a volley of comments and sometimes cursing back and forth.

Is this behavior normal because they don't really have the leader/follower worked out. At age 12, is part of identity separation? One twin wants his hair shorter. Recently when buying sandals for the twins, the store only had the same sandal in their size. One twin made the comment, I am not going to get the same sandals as my brother, it is bad enough that we look alike, there is no way I am going to wear the same clothes.

Looking for any thoughts and feedback. Thanks...

 

Honestly it sounds like a normal day at my house with all four of my youngest kids. Competition competition competition. :gah: My advice to your wife is to take up gardening and get outside away from the bickering. I got tired of intervening and just started telling them to go away when they bring it to me. Come back when someone is bleeding.

 

QUOTE(Donita @ Jun 27 2009, 05:37 PM) [snapback]1371448[/snapback]
Come back when someone is bleeding.


:laughing: It is so annoying and exhausting. I don't have twins that age, but I have an 11 and 12 year old, and a lot of days they drive me to the brink of insanity with their constant bickering!

The new rules are:
1. Stay away from each other.(Separation is great!)
2. Don't touch each other, at all. Not even a little. I mean it.
3. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all. (Oldie, but goodie!)

I would not put up with the cursing at all. Although I am sure they have said some choice words behind my back...

I am guessing the hot sauce is for the cursing? :huh:

 

I just remembered I was going to start a "fight jar". I wrote out some HORRIBLE jobs on slips of paper and put them in a jar. If you are fighting you pick a job. No he said/she said either. All parties involved pick a job. I think I'll get that going first thing Monday morning.

 

Ooooh, a fight jar. I like that idea!

eta: shift key didn't take

 

I do too. I am going to make one tomorrow!

 

I think that is part of raising teenagers (regarless if t hey are twins).

Mine are 12 and 15 and do the same sometimes. Sometimes I have to set them straight.

I remember one time (during lent), my 12 year old daughter took the advice/ suggestion of her teacher and went home to do something nice for her brother.

her brother on the other hand was still being hateful and this is when I told him that she was trying to do something nice and that was no way for him to be. I told him to chill out do something nice or say something nice to her in exchange.

It made them think.

I think sometimes, this kind of behavior becomes a habit and its' hard to break the habit.

But then again who am I to give any adivce on here. I'm just the parent of two single children that happen to be teenagers.

 

I remember when we went through this with the boys. It is exhausting! This was one of the reasons we decided to put them in separate rooms. It helped a lot by separating them but it didn't make it go away. We also started to spend time separately with them (dad with one boy and mom with another and then switch the next weekend) to get them away from each other for a little bit. They are in each others pockets and need space. It also helped that our boys only shared one sport (baseball) and took on another sport the other wouldn't play (one football, one basketball).

It was at this time in life where most of my hair turned gray. Try and get them apart from each other... maybe a weekend away, give them some breathing room from each other... that will probably help.

You will appreciate the posting I am about to put on the board... sending twins off to college.

If you need any other information on how we handled the boys during this struggling period, just send me an email ([email protected]).

 

HAHA That is my favorite line, too!

We get this sort of back and forth more between our older son and one of our younger sons (one of the twins). I think it is personality-related, not twin-related...and also a bit of a normal function of sibling relationships. Twins usually have more stress built in because they are at the same age, same grade, same teams, etc. I agree with the idea of getting them some rewarding time apart with a parent. They need a break, just as any kids who have to do everything together all the time need a break. In fact, considering what they have to put up with normally, I think your sons are handling things extraordinarily well!

Excellent suggestions! ITA

I love that idea!! Totally stealing it! (my fallback has always been "weeding the garden" but a jar of assorted jobs is much better!).

 

Ya know, I never did start that jar. :umm:

 

When I saw this post I had to laugh. There's a similar post on the 5-11 forum, follow http://www.twinstuff.com/forum/index.php?/topic/148502-new-to-forum-11-year-old-boys-and-friends/ to check it out. I think what I said there goes the same here. Competition between twins can be fierce because twins sometimes feel like they're having to compete for attention. A lot of the time they feel like people think of them as the "the twins" and not an individual. I'm not going to gaurantee that you'll cure it by spending time with each boy individually, but I know it won't hurt.

I am a twin by the way and my brother (at the age of 40) is still horribly competitive, even if I'm not. It's something that just seem to be part of the normal/abnormal twin dynamic.

My mother's remedy worked well, she would tell us, "If you two are going to argue like that, then go outside."

We'd go outside. Ten minutes later we'd come back after arguing about who had started the argument.

"Are you done arguing?" She'd ask.

"Yes."

"Fine," she'd say, "you can come back in then."

To be honest, I'd worry more if they got along perfectly. Perfect children scare me. When I see one I feel like I'm watching "Children of the Corn".

Aaron

 

Same thing around here. Thank goodness they do have seperate interests. Donita....I have to commend you for the greatest idea :woman:

I am gonna start the war jar now!...LOL.

 

I forgot to add another interesting note. I can tell them not once but a 100 times and they never "seem to recall" me mentioning the rules around the house. I'f I am not home, no one is to come over. Be home before dark from your friends house. Ask permission if you want to go somewhere or change locations. I think a rememberance jar needs to happen too!. LOL.

 

Pretty much the same here although it was the bedroom, which didnt work anyway as we would just get over it and go play. When getting punished the "go to your room" didnt work as we just played. silly mother

 

But if you were playing, you weren't fighting anymore. It seemed to work! Smart mother!

 

Yes but to me punishment shouldnt allow us to play with toys.

 

Totally agree with that

 

Okay, my kids aren't there yet, but, I will post a response from my own personal experience. My older sister is 1 year older than me. My mom raised us like twins. She dressed us alike and everything. Ugh. We were super competetive. We often participated in the same activities and I, for the life of me, don't know why. We really didn't have the same interests deep down. Our activities were more parent directed. It was more conveniant for them if we both did the same things. I loved being around my sister, she hated always having to be around me. I hind sight, I do feel bad for her, always having to deal with a tag along little sister. All the fighting was more a result of her needing to feel her own individuality separate from me. Now that we are adults and have a much better relationship but thankfully we live an hour away from eachother. We are still professionally competitive.
At any rate, if it is even possible for you, let them have their own rooms. Take them clothes shopping separately. Let them have different hair cuts. Have a heart to heart and find out if they may have some interests different from one another that they can explore as individuals and then promote that as their parents.
Some of the fighting is inevitable, they are teenage boys.

 

Code.....

It depends on the goal.... Was your mom trying to punish you or to help strengthen the relationship? Helping you play together instead of argue is quite brilliant.

 

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