Family Time

DH Has stayed home with the kids since they were about 6 months old and has done a wonderful job. We have great kids. That being said we really don't spend much time together as a family. I work 40 hours a week and when I get home he disengages. He goes to the back room and gets on the computer to play games check email etc. He has told me he does this because he wants me to have quality time with the kids when I get home but I feel like its more of a second shift because he does nothing with us from the time I get home to the time they go to bed. He doesn't help with dinner, doesn't eat with us, doesn't help with bath time and some days he comes in for story time and tuck in but even then we end up fighting because he or I don't like the way the other is doing something.

During the week this doesn't bother me because I am too tired to care but I have been on vacation since Friday and I have not seen him. Friday night after I got the kids to bed he left to go out with friends. Saturday I went to his mothers to help prepare for the family x-mas party at 1:00PM and he didn't show up there until 7:00PM and hung out with family until it was time to go (I know that is what that time is for but I hadn't seen him all day). Sunday we went out for my birthday and we fought because he was ragging on me about what I was eating (I am 33 weeks preggo). Then we got home and watched half a bad movie and went to bed. Monday I went to register the car at the Secretary of state and I felt like I was out on probation. He called to ask how much longer would I be (I was gone for about 2 hours total). Then I went to the movies with my MIL around noon...he didn't want to go. He didn't come back home until 5:00PM and again I did everything played with the kids BMS, ate dinner BMS, got kids to bed BMS, and then he left and didn't come home until 1:00 AM.

He left this morning at 10:00 am and he still isn't home. I am so pissed and hurt I could spit. I told him this morning I was upset and that I missed him and he still left. I wanted a family so we could be the opposite of what I grew up with...an unintentional absent father and an overbearing mother that did everything....but it seems that is what this is turning into. We never did anything together as a family growing up except eat pizza on Fridays and watch movies. I have no attachment to my family. I go years without speaking to my siblings and my parents forgot to call on my birthday again this year.

I don't want to be like them and I definitely don't want to have the same type of relationship with my kids. I just don't know how to balance letting him do his own thing since he is here all day everyday with the kids with having him stay here with us.

I just don't know where to go from here. Is it just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Thanks for letting me vent!

Lindia

 

Lindia, glad you came here to talk with us . It's very important that he gets down time as a SAHD from the kids and it sounds like he has plenty. It's also important that you do too and that there is time spent together as a family. If you haven't already, asserting yourself here is crutial. He really needs to know how you feel. In our home, DH is home around 5:45pm. I cook, so there is food on the table when he gets home. We eat together as a family. I think family meals are very important emotional nurishment for children in their formative years - numerous studies back this up! So, I am there even though I eat a little ahead of time: 1) I'm hungry, lol and 2) I can better serve kids and help them with eating. They're 2 and could use some help using utensils. DH spends roughly 45 min to 1hr. with them before they go to bed. He bathes them every other night, reads to them, watches a short t.v. program with them, etc. He enjoys this time with them since this is the only time he has with them on a daily basis. Also, I get a break then and can catch up on reading or something I need/want to do. After they go to bed, we then spend some time together most nights, but I do sometimes go in the office and onto the computer and chill alone for a while or take a bath. I definitely want to spend time with DH when he's off b/c I love him and miss him when he's at work. He's my Best friend and I enjoy our family time . He does also take them out when he's off and I can catch a break then too for a short time. I know not everyone does things the same and that's not even a realistic expectation, but I thought I'd share with you what happens in our home .

 

I would be mad to! I totally know what it is like to dump the kids on my DH when he gets home because I am just kinda tired of all the fuss but that being said we still share evening responsibilites and we still try to spend time as a family. I think it is important for both of you to get some down time but I think that you definetly need to have a talk about how you want your family to run. Best of luck

 

I certainly appreciate my "me time" and have told DH once or twice when he gets home that "they are all yours"...after a particularly difficult day. However, my "me time" usually only lasts for about 1/2-1 hour at any given time. Then I am back in the game. Some days I just need some time to chill a bit and he will take them outside or keep them entertained from the time he gets home 5:15 until dinner is ready (between 6 or 6:30). After that, it requires both of us to get the evening stuff done and get them to bed.

I would be upset too if my DH felt like he could take the evening off EVERY evening when I got home. I would be cool with giving him some time to himself each evening (allowing me to spend some quality time with the kids too), but not all evening long. We do family meals together and that is important to both DH and I. That gives us the opportunity to come together at least once throughout the day.

I would certainly have a talk with your DH. :hug: I hope you all can come together on this.

 

Wow, I would be ticked too!!
Does DH want to stay home?
I think you need to sit down with him and come up with a plan so he does get a break at appropriate times and you get the support and family time every one deserves. I totally get that being the SAH parent is very difficult, but checking out any time he can isn't cool, espcially when you are pregnant!

Maybe try to write out what you would like to happen so you can get a clear, unemotional feel for what you need & want.

Good luck

 

I'm not a SAHM, but I do think every parent (SAH or working) needs a bit of downtime/me-time. But it sounds like his is excessive to me.

I'd be really bothered by him never eating dinner with you. We eat dinner together as a family every night, I think that is super important. He is in the house but just doesn't sit and eat with you all?

 

I talked to DH about about my concerns last night. He says he didn't realize what he was doing. I gave him a few items that I would like to see him start doing (i.e. helping with dinner, eating dinner with us, etc.) It's hard to tell if he is planning on making the change I would like to see. This morning he helped a little then we went to his mother's house for the rest of the day. He ate dinner with his grandmother in the dining room and I ate with the kids in the kitchen (this is so grandma doesn't have to eat alone.)

Only time will tell. Thank you for your comments ladies. I don't know what I would do without this board.

Lindia