Family rant

Saw my family for the first time since August last night for Halloween...I'm the only one in my family expecting, and the only one in my family to ever have twins, it's a pretty exciting time for me, I'm excited to be bringing the first great-grandchildren and the first grandchildren into my family. What's frustrating to me is that while everyone else in my life (mom, friends, grandparents) are happy for me and anxious to know everything, my aunts and uncles still view me as this black sheep...it's a long story that stems from me giving up my first son for adoption seven years ago today (November 2nd). I was young, 17, and my parents and I decided as a family that it was the best decision, but being that I come from a Catholic upbringing, I feel constantly judged. Everyone seems to harp on the fact that my fiancee and I are not yet married, and are not planning to be until after our little ones are born, but what's most hurtful is that no one seems to even care that I'm about to be a mother for the first time.

Maybe I'm just being hormonal, maybe it's just the fact that this has been going on for so long, but the things that some of them said (or didn't say) to me are starting to really get to me, and I just want my kids to be a part of the big family that I was a part of as a child, close knit and special. For example, I wasn't really invited to this family gathering, my grandmother happened to mention it and my aunt that was having it at her house said "I'm sorry, I just don't think to invite anyone that doesn't have kids." I understood what she meant, but while it might have been an innocent misunderstanding, I think it's just courteous to invite EVERYONE. One of my cousins asked what we were naming the twins, and after explaining how we changed from Juliet to Natalie (I wanted a name that was a little more common, like when you go to the store and see those personalized coffee mugs or keychains), my uncle told me how stupid that sounded, and I just wanted to scream. Most of them didn't even say hello to me until way after they had arrived, and I felt so unwelcome. What's unfortunate is that I can't bring this up, I can't say anything because however I feel will be dismissed, or looked at as "hormones". My grandfather and the kids were the only ones that really had a conversation with me the whole time I was there.

I feel so alone without my family behind me, and while I never let it bother me before, I am so hurt and upset and can't talk to any of them about it. With the holidays coming up, and all that stress looming, not to mention moving and then having these babies in about two months, I feel like I'm at the edge of sanity, and I really needed the support of the people who are supposed to be my biggest fans.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it out and maybe to hear that it's just emotions, or what advice anyone might offer. I don't want my children to be a part of a family that doesn't accept their mother or father.

Thanks for listening,
Jessie

 

Im sorry and I don't think it is just hormones! You are intittled to your feelings! Giving up your son must have been a very hard decision to make but a decision made out of total love for him! Personal sacrafice is one the biggest gifts we give to the ones we love. I assume you offered him a better life and offered another family a chance for a child they may have not had otherwise. It makes sence to want your family close to you right now and to want to share your joy with them. You said your parents and close family were supportive right? I would hang on close to them. It sounds like they love you and will be very happy to share this with you. How about your partner (we are not married either)? Are you close to his family? And remember, we are your fans! :bow2: . We all know what it's like to have or be having twins. We are here for you and we will always rejoice with you in all the good stuff that is to come. It sounds like their just poopy but hopefully in time they will come around.

 

It was a very difficult time for me...still is sometimes, when I think that he could have been a big brother...but he is autistic, and we chose a family that had been waiting to adopt for 7 years, and absolutely adore every moment of him and spend so much time on his care and development. I thank God for those people. My partner has just recently gotten back in touch with his family, and we are re-establishing relationships with them, which I am SO happy for, not just for him, but for babies too. I appreciate your kind words and support. It means a lot. Thanks .

Jessie

 

First of all , let me tell you how much I commend the decision you made seven years ago. That has to be the most self-less thing I know of that a person can do.
Secondly, I have a family that may be quite similar to yours on my fathers side. I was his only child from a woman his entire family looked down on. Because of the way they felt about her, I was the black sheep before I could walk. I have only a few memories of him from when I was a child because he married an older, "better" woman (in their eyes) and have only had a relationship with him for the past 9 years. It is still very strained. We were actually at his and my step-moms house today because it is my dads birthday. My dad and I have nothing to talk about, even though we have a lot in common. It is very uncomfortable, never any eye contact, no direct conversation. If he and I were left in a room alone together, there would be some seriously uncomfortable silence. I see him being taken over by my stepmom and stepsister. I can see how he feels like he has to go along with whatever they say or do, but I'm like GROW UP!! Be a man!! I guess I just wanted him to take up for me at times. It's like he knows they are wrong, but has to go along with it to keep the peace.
My step-sister is about 6 years older than me and very vindictive and competitive with me. My dad raised her and she always wants me to hear about it. She and my stepmom will take things I say or do WAY out of context and spin them to my dad to try to make him upset with me, even though it's like he knows better. This usually happens when I'm doing something good for myself. For example: A few days before I got married my SS told my SM that I had told a mutual friend that SS was not invited to the wedding, so my SM called me to tell me that if SS wasn't invited, then she and my dad weren't coming either. I had my husbands dad in a tux so he would be ready to walk me down the aisle in case they didn't show.
Another example: I was graduating nursing school and we got to write out a little thank you for the MC to read while we were walking across the stage. I wrote my thank you out at work on the computer. One of SM's friends read it and told her that it was really sweet how I had thanked my husband for being so helpful and taking care of the house and our oldest DD while I was at school and worked. SM asked if she and my dad were mentioned in it and when the friend said "no it just talked about her husband" SM told my dad that I told this friend that I hated them and they had never done anything for me. They did not come to my graduation and we did not speak for 3 months. My dad did call me to ask if we could try again and I told him that I would not emotionally invest myself in a relationship with him. I told him I had been hurt enough by SM's lies and that I am a Grown-A$$ woman who will not be treated that way anymore. I also told him that I would play nice for the kid's sake, but I will not tolerate them talking badly about my mother in front of me or my kids. So far, we have an understanding. I feel very odd sometimes being at their house, especially when a lot of her family is over there. I wonder what she's told them about me. I have a great time just proving her wrong. I'm sure she's painted me as an ungrateful brat and I get in there and charm them to the best of my ability. The fact that she judges and critisizes everyone as soon as they step out the door, looks good for me. And I often say, Man I wonder what you guys say about me when I leave. I'm usually the one who keeps quiet and takes a beating for never speaking my mind, but with them, I practice speaking my mind often. I really believe I have nothing to lose. I have all the strength I need right here under MY roof, and soon you will have two little cheerleaders who will love you no matter what. Now THAT's family!!
As for your situation, it sounds like your family is having a hard time realizing how self-less your decision was. I'm not gonna touch the religion thing, but adoption sounds better than the other option and either way a very hard decision for a 17 year old. Like they've never done anything worth frowning on. I hate to say that you may just have to give it time, they will see that you are a wonderful person and mother. If they want to think you are a bad person, then why were you blessed with two?? I feel your pain, sorry it's so long , but I really do feel you!

 

I am sorry your family is judging you harshly for a self less decision you made 7 years ago. What an amazing gift you gave your child and another family. I hope that they come around. Hopefully when they see those two beautiful babies all the awkwardness will melt away!

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you have a strained family life as well...that's just horrible how vindictive your step-family can be. I know what you mean about keeping your mouth shut to keep the peace. It hurts so much to know that you're trying to do the best you can to live a good life and that other people have nothing better to do but harp on your past mistakes. The sad part in your case is that you didn't even do anything! And in my eyes, neither did I, but have an unplanned pregnancy when I was young (and I wasn't the only one either). In my opinion, they don't know how to deal with who I have become as a person, and you're right when you say "Like they've never done anything worth frowning upon". It's just easier for them to have a scapegoat to talk about then to have to include someone else in their clique-y little circle. I mean, come on, we're family, right? Or at least we used to be. I do at least have the comfort that pretty soon I'll have two more people in my corner. And then we'll take over the world! LOL.

Thanks so much for your advice and sharing your experiences with me too.

Jessie



Thanks a lot, Melis . I certainly hope that you're right .

 

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with your family not being very supportive during a time when they should be so excited for you. I can somewhat relate to you. I had my son when I was 17, but kept him since I'm adopted and just felt that he was the only person around me that I was truely connected to. My grandparents are also catholic and I was so scared to tell them I was pregnant. Luckily they live far away but that didn't make it much easier. I remember my grandmother saying "your grandfather wants you to become a nun so you'll be a virgin forever." I was 7 months pregnant at the time. I didn't tell them I had my son until he was like 2 months old. Things are better now though but I think that's because I'm engaged to my twin's father. Perhaps you can spend more time with his family? Again I'm sorry that you are having to deal with them being so awful towards you.
If you want to talk don't hesitate to PM me.

Big hugs to you!

 

Kimani,

thank you so much for your kind response. I think it takes a lot of strength for a teenager to raise a child, my mother did and so did my aunt, and I wish like hell that I had kept him sometimes. And then I think of the family that adopted him and how happy they were to be blessed with a child, and I know that I made the best decision for THEM. It's so hard when you feel pressured by your family, ESPECIALLY grandparents, because you love them so much and don't want to disappoint them. I know exactly what you mean. My fiancee's family lives out of state, unfortunately we only have contact with them via facebook and phone. I would love to spend more time with them, it's just not feasible right now.

Thank you so much for your support, and I will definitely PM you in the future...I think these kids are telling me they're done with me being at the computer, lol.

Thanks again
Jessie

 

QUOTE(mollyjm+2 @ Nov 2 2008, 01:39 AM) [snapback]1051881[/snapback]
Im sorry and I don't think it is just hormones! You are intittled to your feelings! Giving up your son must have been a very hard decision to make but a decision made out of total love for him! Personal sacrafice is one the biggest gifts we give to the ones we love. I assume you offered him a better life and offered another family a chance for a child they may have not had otherwise. It makes sence to want your family close to you right now and to want to share your joy with them. You said your parents and close family were supportive right? I would hang on close to them. It sounds like they love you and will be very happy to share this with you. How about your partner (we are not married either)? Are you close to his family? And remember, we are your fans! :bow2: . We all know what it's like to have or be having twins. We are here for you and we will always rejoice with you in all the good stuff that is to come. It sounds like their just poopy but hopefully in time they will come around.



Very well said

 

Happiness is the best revenge !!! When your two come along THEY will be your family and your extended family will just be a distant interest.



Heather

 

Lol, I think you might be right, heathertwins...I plan to be the most glowing new mommy ever, darn it!! Haha!!

Jessie

 

I just wanted to say I agree it was a strong and good selfless decision to give him up. I can't imagine how a 17 yo could possibly care for an autistic child. You made the right decision. As far as I am concerned he still is a big brother. Tell your kids about him. Let them share in him with you. So that instead of a big "dirty" family secret he becomes a special part of your lives.


As for your family judging you maybe you need to remind them that as Christians we are not supposed to judge and to forgive to be forgiven.


Congatulations on twins! :banana: :ibiggrin:

 

QUOTE(3xMomma @ Nov 3 2008, 01:15 PM) [snapback]1053944[/snapback]
I just wanted to say I agree it was a strong and good selfless decision to give him up. I can't imagine how a 17 yo could possibly care for an autistic child. You made the right decision. As far as I am concerned he still is a big brother. Tell your kids about him. Let them share in him with you. So that instead of a big "dirty" family secret he becomes a special part of your lives.
As for your family judging you maybe you need to remind them that as Christians we are not supposed to judge and to forgive to be forgiven.
Congatulations on twins! :banana: :ibiggrin:



I love the idea of making sure he is still "big brother" and making him special to the twins! What a great point!

 

I love that idea too! I have tons of pictures of him and get letters and things twice a year. I think it would be great for them to know that they have a big brother somewhere, that someday they might be able to have contact with. Thanks for the encouragement!

Jessie