Family meals

I'm trying to follow the strategy of family meals as laid out by people like Ellyn Satter. I just have no idea how to do it! The difficulties I see:

1) My boys aren't eating anything like what we eat, yet. In fact, they eat better than we do. They get three meals plus a snack a day - one bread only meal, one spoon meal, and one finger food meal. The snack is usually finger food too. They usually consume all of the food for that meal.

2) DH is the world's pickiest eater. He doesn't eat any veggies but tomato sauce and any fruit but the occasional apple. He doesn't drink milk, eat any proteins but red meat, starches but potatoes and white bread and 'white' pasta. How in the heck am I suppose to model good eating habits with that? I've worried about raising picky eaters since I married DH. I think his eating habits are half personality and half enabled by his parents. (He was a latchkey kid who made his own meals from an early age.)

3) I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which makes it tough for me to eat a lot of things that I would enjoy like any heavily fibrous veggie (almost all dark green veggies), beans, nuts or seeds, standalone milk, etc. How in the heck am I suppose to feed them all this stuff I can't eat?

4) DH is also a neat freak (he's a really great guy, I promise ) and can't stand to be near the boys in their messy feeding mode.

5) The boys have a very shifted schedule so they're eating at 6am, 10am, 1pm, and 4pm. DH doesn't even get home from work until 5:30 or so, just before they insist on going to bed. I'm trying to shift their clock but it's taking a while, and I'm not sure if I can get it to be late enough for dinner with daddy.

How do people manage eating a family meal? Am I trying to start this too early? It's supposed to be started when your kid is a toddler and starting to be a more picky eater. I'm really stressing out about this! :help: :80:

 

I would say right now, do what you can to get meals into them. We started family meals when our kids turned 1, at their insistence. They preferred to eat when we do. Since their bedtime is early, I would feed them dinner when you normally do. Is there anyway you and the kids can have dinner together for right now, so you can model healthy eating for them and then you don't have to worry about DH's habits. I don't know much about IBS but is it better for you not to eat those items or would you still feel okay taking a bite to model eating those foods for the kids?
I am sorry that you are stressing about this...you describe your children as good eaters and I would keep praising them on how well they eat even if you cannot eat the way they do and your DH won't :hug:

 

I'm hoping to get it going this summer when my DH and I are both not working (we are both teachers). Right now we have 1 family "meal" where the kids all eat and DH and I sit at the table and share some of their food (fruit, cheese, etc.) around 5:30 and then DH and I have our real dinner once all of the kids are in bed.

Since I went back to work, the evenings are just too crazy to get it figured out right now. We walk in the door anytime between 5:00 and 5:30, almost immediately sit them down for dinner b/c they are hungry, and I just can't see a way around that at thieir age.

Sorry I can't offer any advice! :hug: Once their schedule shifts a little it does seem like it will be a bit easier for you!

 

I find it hard to even find the time to eat together, so I understand!

I also think in general the kids eat better than us, but I am trying to start making more true meals and get us all eating better, hopefully they will be the catalyst for that! I say do what you can, and I agree, I've started just eating with the kids so that at least they can see that its a family meal time.

Also for breakfast, we've started all eating oatmeal, so if there's time before my husband goes to work, I try to get us to eat that meal together, at least we're all basically eating the same thing.... though our bowls have brown sugar in them! and the kids have whole milk yogurt and then a millet/barley mixture mixed in! ah they don't know they are getting in the healthy version!

 

We still don't do family meals with the 3 little ones because my dh doesn't get home for a good 2 hours after they go to bed. My dh, oldest and I usually eat late and we eat together every night.
I won't be able to merge us all into one meal until they are able to stay up later, I'm assuming a couple years. However we do practice at the table and I do eat lunch with them and sometimes breakfast. So maybe you could pick another meal to eat with them. At least until they are older.
I also see that we won't be able to all eat the same meal every night, not because of picky eaters but because we eat very spicy food most of the time and the little ones don't.
Good luck but if they are eating well (which it sounds like they are) then I wouldn't mess with it yet.

 

At that age, I was still working swing shift and not getting home till 8 p.m. The girls were already in bed.

We started family meals around 14-15 months. That was about the time they startd wanting to eat everyhing WE had and didn't want what THEY had.

My DH is a semi-picky eater. There's certain things he won't eat becuase his mother forced it on him as a kid.... Great, when I make that item, he just loads it up with cheese and eats anywyas, becuase I will not let him eat different from the kids. In turn, I try not to make those meals to often (like meatloaf) so as to appease to him.

That being said, here's a few ideas for what you can do for meals. I tend to model my meals after what the daycare makes for lunch, cuz I KNOW the kids will eat it!

Meatloaf
Strogonoff
Sloppy-joes
Hamburgers
Ham&Cheese sandwiches
Grilled cheese sandwich w/ tomato soup
Spaghetti
Chicken nuggets (me and DH will eat something else on these nights)
Fish Sticks (me and DH eat Beer battered fish these days)
Pasta Primavera (okay, your DH may not eat this cuz of the vegetables, but it'd be good for you, not to many leafy greens in it at all)
Chicken Pot Pie (again, good for you and the kids, I suppose you could make it with hamburger as well)
Tacos


I would really just tell your DH that he needs to stop being so whiny and eat what you make. If it's not a medical concern (like your IBS) then he needs to do what he needs to do to make the dish edible for him (like my DH does with loading up on cheese) so you can show your kids by example good eating habits...

 

We are not at "family meals" just yet, but my husband and I do cook extra of what we eat for them to have the next day. My husband doesn't get home until after their dinner time. I do sit with them at each meal and that is when I eat if I am hungry. I used to eat seperately from them, but recently they started grabing at the food I was eating so I adjusted! (or i eat when they are taking a nap). My eating habits are less than ideal- I don't eat consisently , but what I do eat is for the most part healthy. I used to not like veggies, and because I need to makesure the girls eat veggies, I have started to eat more too. I think if you just start buying alternatives, he may adapt?

Have you tried marinara sauce with steamed veggies like zuchinni and brocolli and meatballs? Veggies are disguised and no pasta bread!

 

We started family meals from the very beginning. As soon as they were eating finger foods they'd sit in their high chairs while DH and I ate dinner and they got some sort of finger food. It was normally something we were having, like small pieces of steamed veggies, pasta, cheese, small pieces of shredded meat, etc.

They eat much better when they eat with us. And the only way to model good eating is to do it with them, IMO.

Neither DH nor I are picky or restricted eaters though. We always eat whole grain pasta, a veggie with each meal, and mostly healthy choices. So while my kiddos can be somewhat toddler picky at times, with encouragement they will try pretty much anything. We follow the 3 bites rule (soon to be 4 bites rule). They have to try the number of bites of their age for something they "claim" they do not like. It's pretty obvious when they try it whether they really do not like it or not.

 

When I first had the boys I really tried as much as possible to integrate their lives into ours, not vice versa. This was not even possible for the first 6 months, but after that, we decided their bedtime was going to be 8pm so we could spend some time in the evenings with them (we both work full time), and have family dinners. We also have in-home care, so we can eat breakfast with them.

That being said, Nancy is right that you have to do what works for you, and since they sound like they're really good eaters, you're obviously doing a good job already!

Here are some thoughts:

1. You don't have to start out the gate feeding them exactly what you eat. I know some nights I like to just have a salad, and I know my guys won't go for that! Same thing with spicy chili. On those nights we give them an alternative entree, but try to offer them a little of what we have, and perhaps all eat the same sides.

2. It's impossible to model good eating habits when you don't have good ones yourself. ardon: Have your DH suck it up and try a few bites without making a face.

3. IBS is a toughie. I used to have it myself (until I figured out it was triggered by HFCS) so I can relate! :hug: I don't drink a lot of milk, but I still feed it to my guys. When I was a kid, milk was for children and water was for adults. I don't see anything wrong with certain things (like alcohol!) being adults-only. I'm sure you can make a healthy diet for yourself while avoiding the things that trigger your IBS, so just feed your guys the same way! They'll get plenty of opportunities later in life to eat the things that you cannot.

4. Definitely practice utensils at the meals when DH is not present! :lol: Todder self-feeding is not for the faint-of-heart.

5. It sounds like you are already shifting their schedule, but don't stress if you can't get it late enough for family dinners yet. They will get there eventually. You can start by picking one meal to eat family-style (breakfast?) and expand from there as the boys get older.

It really sounds like you're on the right track! I don't necessarily think that *not* eating family meals early on creates a picky eater. I don't know if this will be reassuring or not, but we've eaten 2 family meals per day (3 on weekends) since the boys were about 6 months old, and Nate is so picky he won't even eat mac-n-cheese! :blink: I keep offering, though....

Good luck!

 

It is true, kids will often eat better if their parents are eating the same stuff or at least eating with them and not fussing. If your DH is that picky, then he needs to make his own food so when it's time to eat together, he's not fussing and the boys see their parents eating their food without complaining. If you and your DH are happy and enjoying your meals, they'll more likely enjoy theirs.

If they don't like it, it's another story, but if it's a question of not knowing how to act at the table, then seeing their parents eat is a very helpful tool.

 

We dont eat together really either. It´s easier for us to feed them before we eat as mine refuse to eat solids or finger foods (so frustrating). ALso, lunch is a rushed afair as we have to get them to nursery, eat ourselves and I need to get to work. Dinner is late in Spain (after 9pm) and the kids are in bed then. Saying all that, I always eat my breakfast and lunch with them and they always come and sit on my lap to have a look. Sometimes DS will try something but in most cases he doesn´t. DD will touch but rarely tries. Still, I figure that they are at least seeing our food and touching it so thats some sort of progress. ALl the food I make for them goes on the floor. It´s better they see food in that way.

It sounds as if your kids are eating really well so keep that routine up if it´s working for you. That way you avoid them seeing your DH´s pickiness. You can always explain why you dont eat certain foods later on but still offer them those foods at mealtimes when you dont eat with them. The food issue isn´t easy (Im tearing my hair out) but it sounds as though you´re doing really well!

If you want to move their eating times, push it forward by 5 minutes later every day. GL!

 

We eat dinner together 5 out of 7 days (due to late soccer practice for DD). We eat breakfast and lunch together on the weekends. They get breakfast and lunch at the sitter's during the week. Sometimes DH isn't home because he's working late, but I still sit and eat with them. And sometimes I don't eat much if I'm dieting. But I think the idea is that you all sit at the table together and enjoy a meal. We've been doing family meals since they started eating all table food at 9 months. I start cooking around 5:30 (or earlier if it's something that needs to cook for awhile). DH normally gets home around 6. We sit down between 6 and 6:15 and we're normally done by 6:45. Then it's bath and bedtime. If I'm not sitting down at the table, Mallory will yell at me to "sit down". They know the routine. They also know who sits in which seat and they don't like it when DH sits somewhere else and they absolutely won't let him sit in my spot. They are weird.

 

We rarely eat together, maybe twice a month on week ends etc. Dh gets home after they've eaten anyway, but I absolutely don't enjoy eating when they eat with us, as we need to feed them first and by then our food is getting cold, then they're done in 5 minutes, and we have to interrupt our meal to get them out of their chairs, then they beg and beg for us to give them something they refused to eat 2 minutes earlier etc... NOT worth it! Plus we typically eat at the computer as we don't have chairs out anyway(they climb on everything otherwise).

But hopefully within the next 6 months they can wait until 6 to eat and we can start trying again.

 

We do not each dinner much as a family either at this stage, it's hard since the boys will not eat what we eat. For example, the other day i fixed a nice chicken dinner, with stuffing and mashed potatoes. They wouldnt eat the chicken, and suprisingly they wouldnt eat the other 2 foods, (as they have had them before), so yeah it gets frustrating, but i just fixed them waffles as i know they will eat that...Sometimes I try to fix dinner as a family, but 9 out of 10 times the boys refuse what we are eating and I fix them something else that I know they will eat.

So, most of the time that is what I will do so i am not being a short-order cook all the time. I fix them what I know they will eat and still try to introduce new foods to them or same old veggies that they refuse to eat. You just have to keep trying, it's hard work, it's frustrating, can be stressful, but after all those weeks, months, etc, when your toddlers start eating what you eat and with utensils no less, it will be all worth it....Speaking of utensils, we work with them every meal on using forks and spoons, they should always have one on their tray. Good Luck!