Family Issues!

Hi Everyone!
Since finding out that we're having twins there has been all sorts of family drama!

My mom's side (who we usually spend Thanksgiving with) is getting upset because we only come to one family holiday with their side... we have 3 families all together since my parents are divorced and there happen to be 3 family holidays... our families all live at least an hour apart, add that into the 4 hour drive that it takes us to get to ANY of our families homes and it makes for a long day, so we have opted to spend one holiday with each side. Somehow it just isn't good enough for them though and we have been told that they expect to see us and the babies at more things... I've tried explaining that it just isn't feasible, but they (mostly my mom and gramma) just don't understand. The other 2 sides are totally fine with our arrangement and realize that we are trying our hardest. We do see immediate family on a regular basis, the holidays are extended family stuff. So it's not like we are neglecting our parents or siblings or anything like that!

Another issue (which also has to deal with my mom's side) is that my grampa (just for the record he is my step-grampa) seems to think it's ok to just insult my husband any time that we are around (my husband is a police officer and my grampa seems to have a problem with that). My grampa has refused to apologize on multiple occasions. I have tried to talk to my gramma about this, but she responds with the argument that my grampa can say whatever he likes because he is older and deserves respect no matter how he treats people. My hubby is now just ignoring my grampa whenever he has to be around him, which my gramma has informed me is very disrespectful and how could I let him do that to poor grampa?? I have tried talking to her, but it just ends up with the we are older and deserve respect no matter what argument! AHHHH! It is so frustrating. I really don't want my children around people who are just going to disrespect their father and think it's ok. My hubby has been willing to suck it up for me, but with adding kids into the equation, I just don't want them around that.

If anyone out there has dealt with anything similar PLEASE HELP!! I could really use some advice.. I don't know how to deal with this anymore! This has been going on for close to 4 years now!

Btw- sorry for writing a book about this! :thanks: in advance

 

I have a very simple answer for you. What does YOUR family want to do? Right now that means you and your DH... Right now, since you're expecting is the very best time for you to make a change. What do you want the expectations to be once your children are here... once they're older, once they're grown... Years ago my mom made a change and stopped attending family thanksgiving to have her own dinner that was just us. We lived close enough that we could go over for dessert and visit, but it was a 1-2 hour process instead of an all day thing. (And she was extremely close to her family) When she died and I got married I continued that tradition, although I invite everyone to my house. Only DH's family comes tho, because we're now an hour from my family. Each and every year we get grief that we should at least come to dessert... umm yeah I'm going to drive 2 hours round trip to share a piece of pie after cooking all day... kids or no kids that'd be a big HECK NO! My mom's family has to share time between DH's family, my dad's brother and his family, and themselves with us on Christmas, they hate it... but I don't really care. I love my grandparents and my aunts, but my first allegiance is to the family that my husband and I have created. Financially I can't drive all the way down there to see them and then go on another day to see my dad's brother... and yes, they actually expect this! I also have a 2 year old that doesn't like the car... he gets terrible motion sickness and is just heartbreakingly miserable. We also can't get together w/o them either complaining about my brother and what I should be doing to fix whatever he's done wrong... or them instructing us on how DH can get a better job... closer to them of course (NOT going to happen!!!!)

I have a big problem w/your gram just expecting your DH to respect your grandpa just because he was older... I was taught that true respect needs to be earned and we grew up allowed to call out (even our grandparents) for behavior that wasn't right. There is no way I would expect my H to just take insults from someone constantly just because he's older. Seems like your grandma needs a reminder that you're grown and not 6 anymore!

 

oh honey i never wanted anyone else to have to deal with the stuff i am dealing with. My DH has 3 sides to his family. His mom's this 'aunt' and his fathers side. his mom was young and so was his 'aunt( who is really his 2nd cousin) so my hubbys mom and his 'aunt' raised there kids together. now everyone is grown he is still expected to go see his mother, his 'aunt' and his fathers side or else trust me it is a full out battle of bitching. he is also a police officer who does the night shift so they think he has all day to drive around but the truth is the poor man needs to sleep at one point in time. then there is MY side of the family who lives about 2 hours away from us. my mother thinks she can control everything and tell us what to do because i lived in her house for 5 years after my son was born. so she thinks she gets xmas and all these other hoildays. well. when we found out we were having twins we looked at eachother and said we just can't run around like that anymore so if they want to see us they can come to us. I don't care what anyone says anymore because honestly i have my own stuff to worry about and hearing adult complain because they didn't get their way is not on my list of things to do. So all the side comments from my mother are going to stop once these babies come because me and my husband are done with everyone and their issues. we are only 2 people with a 6 yr old and soon to have 2 newborns. we are not loading them up to go cater to anyone. and you shouldn't either. and another thing i dont care how old a person is there is no reason to disrespect ANYONE he has a RESPECTABLE career and he risks his life to feed his family. Don't bring your kids around the negativity they can sense it trust me my 6 yr old knows i change when i get around my mother. what is the worse they can do? no come over for a hoilday or complain about it. just tell them you have your life and you have things u have to do if that is an issue than have them call your in laws and have every hoilday together than and make them drive around not you.

 

My suggestion was going to be, tell everyone that they are welcome to come visit you, but that you are nor traveling all around with little one. This is what we decided for Christmas, my MIL is still PO'd but we invite her to come her every year and she doesn't sooooo NOT MY PROBLEM GOOD LUCK!

 

I agree on making your own family traditions for the Holiday's.
Also, your grandma and grandpa are out of line-completely, and I would not put my dh through that anymore...and now your children should not be subjected to people that cant treat their father with respect.

I am sorry you have to deal with this but better now then later. :hug:

 

Thanks guys! It's nice to know that someone else has gone through similar stuff! You all have been a lot of help!! :hug:

JennyBean- DH also works nights... he works 12 hour days 4 on 4 off, which is another thing that some people don't understand is why we aren't able to spend every 4 days down there! It's frustrating!!

Anyway.. Thanks again guys!

 

I am having an issue here myself...

I am 36 and moved away 14yrs ago to attend graduate school out of state. Pretty much every year I have been expected to travel home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. The stress of traveling and then dealing with my stressed-out mom has made me come to hate the holidays I just don't enjoy it anymore, even tho I love my family and all.

2 years ago I got married. My husband's family does not celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving (they are Chinese). I have convinced him to come with me for Thanksgiving, but he balks at doing both Thanksgiving and x-mas both. I don't blame him.

I have broached the subject before of having my parents come visit me for one of the 2 end-of-year holidays, but my dad wouldn't even consider it because a) Thanksgiving is also deer hunting time, aka sacred man-time, and b) they have 2 grandchildren who live in town with whom they are very close. The very thought of Christmas without the grandbabies is unfathomable.

This past holiday, I was pregnant and I got out of the trip home for Christmas. In fact on Christmas night, I started gushing blood (13w) from complete placenta previa. Ugh, I do not want to imagine this happening while at home with my parents. Everything was fine, of course, and now we expect the twins any day. However, I did decide that from now on, Christmas was going to be at our home. Family is welcome to come and see us, but we are going to celebrate here. Thanksgiving may still be retained as the holiday we travel to the homestead. Gets me out of cooking. :ibiggrin:

I agree with PP that you should do whatever is best for your core family. Other family may caterwaul and not like your decision, but you can't make everybody happy all the time, so at least make your own home happy most of the time if possible.

 

I think what you have decided is realistic, especially with carrying two newborns around. If anyone wants to see them more, then they need to make arrangements to come to your house, IMO. Many people just don't understand the logistics of all the stuff you have to take with you when you go to visit, and the stress on you and the babies. I, myself, can't imagine driving 4 hours with twinfants, so I think what you have decided is very fair. As far as the rude comments by your grandpa...it just pretty much boils down to how much are you willing to take in order to be around your family. Maybe it's time for your husband to tell him enough is enough...your DH shouldn't be disrespected either.

Good luck!

 

Update: I have been informed that I am driving my gramma and grampa out of my life... I've tried to talk to my gramma and my grampa, and have been told that DH owes my grampa an apology (for not talking to him) and my grampa wants to come up and talk to DH so DH can apologize! UGH!!! My mom also said that I should be sticking up for my family (meaning my gramma and grampa) and when I told her that I am sticking up for my family because DH is my family she got angry and said she couldn't believe I was picking him over my own blood! AHHHHH!! I told her that of course I was going to pick and stick up for DH because he is my family and it wasn't ok for grampa to keep treating him like that and that it was no wonder she has been divorced several times if she didn't even consider her husband(s) to be her family! I know I should have kept that last part to myself, but I was just too p.o.'d!! I have also tried explaining that this fight is between grampa and DH and not me my mom or gramma, but its just gotten super bad! I just want it to be over with, but don't know how to end it... any ideas??

 

I don't know what to do about the grandparent thing. Sounds kind of Old World: we are the senior members of the family, and therefore we are the "boss" of everyone we "outrank." There was a bit of this with FIL when we first got married, mainly because SIL would always "tell on" her husbands to him if she was fighting with them, giving him the idea he had some say. DH has just firmly reminded him "we are the parents" when the need arose, but there was no issue with insults or anything. I don't see why you should have to put up with that.

As for the holidays; every year we do Christmas with one side and Thanksgiving with the other. And we switch each year, so they each get us for Christmas every other year and Thanksgiving in the alternate years. A few times we have hosted both sets of parents for Thanksgiving if SIL was out of town. We live in the same town as my ILs and about 75 miles from my parents.

However, the entire first year we had the babies my parents always came to us. It was just too difficult to travel that far with twinfants, and my mom considered coming here easier than baby-proofing her house (she's a bit of a collector).

I think you and DH have to sit down and decide how you're going to handle it (I highly recommend the flip-flopping of who gets Christmas/TG in alternate years) and then just tell people that's how you're doing it. They'll either get over it, or they won't and then you'll have more free time at the holidays for your own nuclear family. You tell your family, he tells his family. And don't let people try to "negotiate" with you about why their side "deserves" more time. Your spouse is your family, absolutely, and your natal family has to understand that. If you don't put your foot down about that, though, they'll never accept it. (I have XILs, too. Number one on my list when I remarried was a man who understood that I came first, which is why it is not okay for your grandfather to insult your husband just because he's older. That is *not* what people mean when they say "respect your elders.")

And, yes, it's possible your grandparents won't come around. Really, though, your DH has taken the high road in not engaging in a fight, and walking away instead. Maybe for a while letters with photos of the babies is all the relationship you and your grandparents can have. I'm not sure what to advise there, but telling your husband he has to be insulted and like it is not the way to go.

 

Respect has to be given to be earned. There is a choice for the older man- be respectful or don't see them. Your DH does not need to be insulted continually. Behavior is a choice for most of us and even when it's not (ie mental illness) there are still consequences and ramifications for behavior.

Personally, I would not be making any 4 hour commitments to drive anywhere this year. Especially for Thanksgiving, although by Christmas you may be ready to commit. Sorry, this year it's not about extended family holding babies (plus- you really probably don't want all those germs on your kids if they are really little!) Your 4 hour drive will take at least 5 hours b/c you will probably have to stop once for a diaper change & feed. With weather it could be a day trip.

You have babies who need you to rest, eat well and prepare for them. Actual babies- not adults who are acting like babies. :youcandoit: Love those babies and put these drama filled 'family members' out of your mind. :grouphug:

 

I agree with PP, photos of the kids and letters may be all your relationship with your grandparents will be for now. I feel they are being unreasonable. Your DH took the high road by not engaging and apparently your grandfather was offended-but seriously, you DH should not have to tolerate being treated with disrespect.
And you are correct-DH IS YOUR FAMILY NOW.
I say you continue to be kind and respectful just distant-I hope that your mom and grandparents will see that they will need to approach you and your husband differently if they wish to have a relationship with you.
Enjoy your Christmas at home as a family with out any drama. :grouphug:

 

i would also just like to say that you are not driving your grandparents out of your life - they are making a choice. they are welcome to choose differently. i do not think that is something you should take the burden for. :hug:

 

Thank you for that... DH is telling me it's not my fault that they are making that choice, but I still feel like it is... I think that it helps to hear it from someone outside of the situation...

I agree that DH shouldn't be disrespected and that is why I have told him in the past it was ok for him not to go to family things...

 

I agree with PP that you & DH need to set your own family tradition for holidays. For extended family, you should consider what friends of mine do. Every summer, they book a pavilion in a park that is somewhat central and have an all day barbeque. Hire a clown for the kids, there's lots of play equipment and a splash pad, and that's when the extended family gets together. My friend's mom is one of 8 kids, so it usually works out to about 70 people. They used to do a slightly smaller "open house" on New Year's Day for the same group when the great-grandma (matriarch) was still alive, but that's starting to disappear. Then, Thanksgiving (which is in October in Canada) and Christmas and Easter are reserved for smaller, closer family segments.