Expecting! How to answer questions?

Hi ladies! I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins (our first babies!) and have been reading along here for a few weeks! You guys are so helpful and full of information! I have found a wealth of information here!

My question is this...my husband and I struggled through 4 very early miscarriages. As a means of treatment, my doctor had us do a cycle with injectable hormones - and surprise, we have twins!! I am sure this has been asked many times, but I can't seem to find a thread anywhere. How do you answer the inevitable questions? Very, very few people knew about our miscarriages (not even our families). We were just trying to avoid the pressure of "everyone" knowing that we were trying.

Anyway, I have gotten the question A LOT, "Do twins run in either of your families?" I don't mind this one as much...it's an obvious question. I usually just kind of shrug and say, "I don't think so!" But, I've been absolutely floored by the number of people who ask, "Did you do fertility treatments?" I am not embarassed about how we achieved this pregnancy - nor do I feel the need to trudge through my "history" with every single person. I have been very, very honest with some close friends and others who I knew could use an encouraging fertility story. I feel a pressure to be honest, though, when people ask. My husband, on the other hand, says I shouldn't feel any pressure to be honest. I just worry people might start comparing stories and feel like we have been dishonest.

Thanks for listening to my rambling!! Any thoughts or advice for me as the news of twins starts to trickle out?

Leigh

 

Congrats on your twins!

I actually told a lot of people that we did fertility treatments (partly because I wanted to do some consciousness-raising), but strangely, almost no one actually asked me flat out. A lot of people do ask if twins run in the family, and I just shrug and say "No, just lucky." I can understand not wanting to lie, but I've sort of gotten over that in the past 4 years. It is really no one's business, and if you tell them a white lie in answer to a question they should not have been asking, IMO it's justified. And if they compare notes and find out you didn't tell them the truth, hopefully they'll have the sense to realize that you're not required to share your fertility history with everyone who asks.

My SIL (DH's sister) had twins exactly two years after we had ours -- so you can only imagine the questions about twins running in the family that we get now. Our standard answer is "not until now!"

 

I was asked this question as well. Does twins run in your family? and before I answer no, but from now on I am replying already yes...
I am not ready to tell everyone about fertility treatments and only closest friends knows.

 

[SIZE=12pt]Hi!!! And Congratulations on expecting twins!!!!! :clapping:
We also get the questions like you, "does it run in the family?" (no), "did you use fertility treatments?" (no) etc... i always usually answer with this: "well it all started with a back rub..." :laughing: usually stops nosey people asking anymore personal questions!
Wishing you a very happy and healthy pregnancy :winking: [/SIZE]

 

I find the questions to be annoying. My DH and I have always been pretty open with our friends and family about the fact that we needed help to conceive all of our kids, but I see no reason to discuss my fertilty history with strangers. When people ask if twins run in my family, I answer yes since I do have twin cousins. I also honestly say that we were shocked to discover that we were having twins. I have been asked if we did IVF or used fertility drugs by complete strangers and I respond with "why do you ask?" That usually ends the whole inquiry.

 

One of the newspaper advice columnists suggests answering questions like that with a slightly surprised, "Why do you ask?" The idea is that this will make people realize that they've asked an inappropriate/too personal question and back off. (If they persist, you can follow up with, "that's personal.") I completely understand not wanting to lie to people, but on the other hand, you're not obligated to share private information with them just because they ask!

I haven't actually tried it myself. I've gotten the "do twins run in your family?" question a lot, but since my brother and sister are twins, that seems to satisfy people -- I haven't had anyone ask about fertility treatments (although some of our close friends and family already know about that). If you have any twins at all even in your extended family (cousins, etc.), mentioning them might head nosy people off at the pass!

Good luck & congrats on your twins!!

 

I totally feel everyone on this. Why does it matter though how they were conceived? I get those questions all the time. I struggled with my fertility and a few close people know that. However, I find it very unbecoming of people to get all personal by asking if I used fertility treatments or conceived naturally. I always answer with naturally since we dtd on our own with a little help from 25mg of clomid. But is the clomid part anyones business? Not in my opinion. I think its more so curiosity, but its very intrusive.

 

I usually answer the "do they run in your family" with "they do now".
I have suffered many miscarriages before, and seeing as I have 4 kids people think I am crazy when they hear I did fertility drugs...I usually tell people when they just don't stop with the questions. Then I tell people all four of my kids were fertility drugs and then I say "I could get pg easily, just couldn't hold onto them". People stop asking after that.
I hate when strangers pry too much about the twins. It just makes me uncomfortable to lie about it but I really don't want to tell a stranger the truth either.
Congrats!

 

Ours were concieved with out any help.. But we get this question too.. So I say, "Nope. We just had amazing Sex!" That shuts them up.. I get a look like, "I can't believe" she said that.. Well, HELLO, look what you asked.. And I reply this that question all the time. No matter who asks ; )

 

jason'smommy... you're hysterical! :rotflmbo:

I can't believe people would even ask if you've had fertility treatments. HOW RUDE! We've been very upfront about our IVF all three times, but that's just because it helps me cope. Telling the world probably isn't for everyone.

I think responding with "why would you ask that" or something similar is a great idea. Geez... I just can't get over people even asking about that. Sheesh.

Congrats by the way.

 

Hi Leigh and welcome to Twinstuff! :welcome: Congrats on your twins. :clapping: I'm sorry for your previous losses. :hug:

QUOTE(4jsinPA @ Apr 22 2009, 11:22 AM) [snapback]1283827[/snapback]
I usually answer the "do they run in your family" with "they do now".

This is what I say too.


As for the fertility question, it is amazing that strangers think they can ask this. I just say "we got lucky". Strangers do not need to know my personal business. My friends and family know how the twins were conceived, strangers don't need to know that though.

 

Congratulations on your twins! My DH and I are expecting twins, and we used fertility drugs and IUI to conceive. We have had people ask if twins run in the family, was this planned, and were you surprised. I started out telling people that we used fertility drugs. I got tired of feeling like I had to justify why I was having twins. Now I just mention that my husband's dad is a twin, which he is. I am telling the truth, but it has nothing to do with why we are having twins.

 

congrats and welcome to TS :welcome:

Just answer how you feel that day and depending on the person asking. There is no right answer for everyone.

We did IUI and when a stranger askes I usually just say, "my cousin has twins" (she did IVF) which is true and leave it at that.

Friends all know what we've been through since we've never hidden anything from them.

 

I hate the fertility drug question... I think it's unspeakably rude to ask someone you don't know very well. I understand people are curious, but honestly.. that's pretty private information. I would just come up with some pat response that puts people off without giving them any real information... Unfortunately you're going to get asked it a lot!

My twins were conceived naturally, and I always tell people that we took the wine tour treatment

 

Wow. I would just about pass out if someone actually had the nerve to ask me whether I conceived via fertility treatment. I would also probably be really, really, really rude (I cuss -- RATHER VIVIDLY) in my reply, just because I would want them to remember asking me that question so that they never dare ask it again. We conceived our twins using IVF and when I get the "do twins run in the family question", then I usually say yes because I have twin cousins and it tends to end the discussion. On the other hand, like you, we are not ashamed or embarrassed to tell people about our journey. Most of mine and my husband's friends know and our immediate families know. Having said that, my mother has real issues with people knowing and doesnt want me to tell the rest of our extended family. In fact, she's annoyed with my husband because he told my stepfather (HER HUSBAND) that we conceived using IVF. Honestly, it was such a drama. Personally I resent the fact that she wants us to lie to my own family, but I just go along with it because its easier to do it her way rather than deal with the fallout from her not being happy.

 

We've been asked this question numerous times and it is amazing how many peopel actually have the nerve to ask it! It just floors me. I've decided to answer this question a couple of different ways - to complete strangers I just say yes twins are in the family, they'll never no! They're strangers. As far as friends and family go, we told our close friends and family about our IVF experience. I've also told a couple of people that I'm not so close to about it. What I find amazing about this is that there are a lot of people that are having trouble conceiving. By sharing my information about IVF it has already helped a couple of people I know. I've been able to answer a lot of questions from them and even refer them to my wonderful RE! I didn't realize so many people had problems because not a lot of people talk about it. I guess I'm just happy to help out because that was a hard step for us to take!
We also like the answer - We had sex twice in the same night - who knew! Hope this helps!!

 

if they are REALLY being pushy- I smile and say this, "Well we did have sex twice that night....." and leave it at that. I never get anymore questions from that person. We did IVF 3 times. I don't share this unless I sense they are wanting to know for the reason of their own struggles.

But really our standard answer to the question is "do twins run in your family?" "They do now!"

Joanna

 

I was really surprised the other day when someone asked me if I had done fertility treatments (I have 5 children ages 7 and under so we obviously haven't had any problems in the past). I do get the "do twins run in your family" question and that one is easy to answer because my dad's brothers are fraternal twins so, yes, they do run in the family. I can't imagine having to answer the fertility drug question all the time though.

 

QUOTE(mikeyswife1999 @ Apr 23 2009, 09:33 AM) [snapback]1285657[/snapback]
I was really surprised the other day when someone asked me if I had done fertility treatments (I have 5 children ages 7 and under so we obviously haven't had any problems in the past).

That's not true. You could have used IF for all you kids. you cold have secondary IF issues. You can never make an assumption about who has and has not had IF treatments.

 

I've already got this question a few times, and I'm not even 9 weeks yet! I used Clomid, but I just say that yes, twins run in the family, since I DO have some a few generations back. I am already surprised at how interested people are in how they were conceived. I don't get it. No one asks parents of singletons how they were conceived. That would seem pretty personal to me!

 

I hate it when people ask these very personal questions. My boys were conceived through IVF but I did not feeling like talking about that with everyone and anyone while I was pregnant and I still don't (although I have talked to more friends about it in the past year - my boys are 2 now and we just spontaneously conceived a singleton). Infertility and IVF are hard enough without having to re-live it every time you tells someone you're expecting twins PLUS somehow it seems as if people are asking "Are these REAL twins or the IVF kind?" which I find incredibly annoying and insulting. Anyway, when people asked/ask if twins run in our families, I say "Twins aren't passed down through the paternal line, actually, so it doesn't matter whether or not there are twins on the father's side." That usually gives them something to think about and then we go on to a new topic. Or I say, "Yes, there are fraternal twins on my side." And if they are rude enough to ask whether we did infertility treatments I usually say, "What a personal question. Why do you ask?" (I'm tempted to say, "What a personal question. Do you mind if I ask you some personal questions first? What kind of sex did you have the day you conceived your baby? Do you remember what position you used? Did you achieve orgasm? Any lubrication issues?" but of course I never would!!). I guess it depends on who is doing the asking. Some people have been in your shoes and are looking to have a shared experience or tell you how blessed they feel to have conceived twins through miraculous medical treatments. Others are just nosey!!

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Apr 23 2009, 08:35 PM) [snapback]1286242[/snapback]
Infertility and IVF are hard enough without having to re-live it every time you tells someone you're expecting twins PLUS somehow it seems as if people are asking "Are these REAL twins or the IVF kind?" which I find incredibly annoying and insulting.


I had one person flat out ask me if mine were real twins or if we used fertility treatments. I was stunned and all I could answer was that there were two real babies in my belly no matter how they got there.

 

I feel like that question is asked for purposes beyond being nosy, but more so they can be judgemental. Like were they spontaneous twins, then they can decide to be impressed vs. fertility meds being some implication that the mom/dad "cheated" and wouldn't have had them otherwise. Either way it is totally obtrusive and obnoxious. I have been asked, but only once by a personal friend who was just honestly naively curious and obviously not insulting b/c we are close. She knows I am a private person so it is not something I would advertise. But having wound up with twins by chance and with a family link, I still feel the underlying question often enough when I talk to aquaintences/strangers w/o them even asking and I wind up justifying myself but feeling annoyed at the same time for having that pressure to differentiate. Twins ARE special, no matter how they arrive, and people should just leave it at that. Unfortuantely, just as there will be those belly-gropers, there will be the nosy-nancies in our lives so I think all the above mentioned responses are good to use. I especially like the "great sex" reply and might just use that myself sometime! (I would probably say 'my husband is REALLY good in bed!'

 

My favorite response to " Do twins run in your family" is still " Yes, and sometimes they walk too

As for the fertility question - Im not sure what Id say! Even tho ours were clomid, I dont htink ive ever had anyone ask before!

 

I agree with most the posters here...I hear constantly "Does it run in you and your husbands family?" At first I was saying "It doesnt matter if it ran in my husbands family, cause its the EGG that splits (woman), not the mans sperm...so its all up to me! Also Identicals are complete luck no genetics involved." I got a puzzled look most of the time, so now I say "YES, I have aunt/uncle twins, and my sister has fraternal twins."

"OH WOW" they say. I get NO questions about fertility. So just say "yes, they do run in my family!"

Honestly, the doctors (peris) ask me "Are they spontaneous twins?" more then anyone else.
Mine are spontaneous, and I do have twins in my family, but still, identicals are luck of the draw, genetics nor science can create them!

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Apr 23 2009, 03:55 PM) [snapback]1285968[/snapback]
That's not true. You could have used IF for all you kids. you cold have secondary IF issues. You can never make an assumption about who has and has not had IF treatments.

True, I guess I was just thinking that since my largest gap between kids is 21 months I didn't have a lot of time to try to get pregnant before turning to in-vitro but I don't really know how all that works. I guess I just assumed you need to try to get pregnant for a while before you can have fertility treatments.

 

QUOTE(mikeyswife1999 @ Apr 24 2009, 11:31 PM) [snapback]1287492[/snapback]
True, I guess I was just thinking that since my largest gap between kids is 21 months I didn't have a lot of time to try to get pregnant before turning to in-vitro but I don't really know how all that works. I guess I just assumed you need to try to get pregnant for a while before you can have fertility treatments.


Timing is up to the couple, really. We tried for "only" a year before we opted to pursue IVF because of my job situation and the fact that I knew I might lose my insurance, which fully covered my IVF/ICSI treatment. People do what their circumstances and finances allow. There are no rules about fertility and not every situation is the same. Not all couples who have compromised fertility are actually "infertile". In actual point of fact, some people have children "naturally" once or even twice, but have problems conceiving again later down the line and then opt for fertility treatments. For others, it works in reverse, they opt for treatment the first time and then go on to conceive on their own later. I know you mean no harm and it was probably not your intention, but both of your assumptions about infertility are erroneous and didnt come off very nice.

 

We conceived with fertility treatments too, but my sisters are identical twins. I have known forever that identical twins are not a genetic trait you can get from your parents. My twins are b/g and people still ask me if they are identical? Apparently, no one was paying attention in 8th grade science class. I just tell everyone, yes, twins run in my family. I haven't gotten any fertility questions right out, but I can tell when people are fishing for it.

 

We're having spontaneous twins and my sister also has twins, but I usually say, my husband just has some super sperm or, it's all in the position... that usually shuts those nosey people up!

 

We concieved our b/g twins through IVF. We tried for 4 years for a second baby.. it was a rough time. People usually just ask if they run in the family, if I don't know them, I say yes.. or kinda brush it off.. My close friends and family know. It was such a hard time, I don't really care who knows most of the time, especially at first when we found out, but now, I pick and choose who I tell. No one has straight asked me if we used fertility treatments.. I might have to use one of your comebacks then.. I want to tell the people struggling with infertility, but the nosey people make you mad!

It is true, our son was concieved after 3 months of trying... then it was 4 years, and an IVF cyle...before we got pregnant again!! We feel truely blessed, and doesn't matter how they were concieved, they are still just a perfect miracle just like any other baby, natural or with a little help!

 

I get either this question or the fertility drug question almost every single day, from family to friends to co-workers to the people at my nail salon. Like PP, I say "they do now" to the first, or I lie and say yes and that ends the conversation. I haven't come up with anything good for the second one, but I like what PP said, and may start saying "we got lucky!"

I also like it when I say we're not telling the sex of the babies and they ask if I'll just say whether or not they are two different sexes. Um...hello???

My fav twin author Elizabeth Lyons has a chapter devoted to these types of questions. Its actually posted on her website and you can read it at this link: Six Questions You Will Be Asked and How to Handle Them

 

Hi, I just think that it is flat out rude for someone to ask such a personal question-especially strangers. Although I conceived my twin pregnancy naturally because twins/tripletts run on my husbands side of the family.Medicine is also natural and a gift as well. My husband and I are 37 and this is our 1st pregnancy and if I had not conceived because we were beginning to wonder if we could conceive-but we talked about getting medical help if it were needed. I was amazed at how many people unashamely asked me did I conceive through IVF. And just as they unashamely asked I unashamely replied....what is that and how much does that cost? I ask them silly rude questions honestly.I always say when someone is bold enough to ask a question that I feel is none of their business I tell them what they don't want to hear-and that is an amazing white lie! That always seem to throw them so far out of my business and not only does that crack their face it crushes their rude intentions. Good Luck on your pregnancy...stear your emotion far away from the comments of people like this whatever you do always have yourself in a happy and joyous position!Never let anyone take that gift away from you! :hug:

 

Twins do not run in my family and I do not know how we ended up with them, so although we didn't do fertility treatments, I had a hard time answering the "do twins run in your family?" question..because they don't. I don't think it is a rude question, just people are so curious and intrigued with the prospect of twins they can't help but ask. I just pretty much always said that someone obviously knew we needed two...or they were a much appreciated gift from God...or they run in the family now....and left it at that.

 

QUOTE(forbiddendonut @ Apr 23 2009, 06:55 PM) [snapback]1286182[/snapback]
I've already got this question a few times, and I'm not even 9 weeks yet! I used Clomid, but I just say that yes, twins run in the family, since I DO have some a few generations back. I am already surprised at how interested people are in how they were conceived. I don't get it. No one asks parents of singletons how they were conceived. That would seem pretty personal to me!


Congrats! We've found ourselves in the same boat as you at times, and I have just started to say "yes" to the twins run in the family question, when people ask. To our closest friends and family we tell them that we took hormones this time when trying to concieve.