Ever felt like a total failure?

DD is the hardest of the two, complains and whines a lot, but she actually sorta listens to what I tell her, she eats well, she's potty trained, she can put things away if motivated enough... With DS I feel like a huge failure. He's a little bit in his own world and gets defensive every time you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Still pees and poops in his underwear once or twice a day (yes, I went to see a doctor, she said he might be constipated, haven't seen any difference now except his poop is softer). Absolutely refuses to clean up when asked. Will sit down and refuse to move and have a tantrum if he doesn't want to do something. Like, every time we go somewhere I ask them to use the potty before we go, and he throws a huge fit, even though he really wants to go.

This week end was the worst, he actually peed his pants when we were out, even though he hasn't had any accident outside for 2 months and peed just 30 minutes earlier. Today they made a huge mess with yogurts, I asked him to clean up, he refused, and DD ended up cleaning for both. I ended up turning off the tv for the day. Just now I put him in time out in his room for putting the thermostat on heat again (it's 90 outside, thank you very much), after I told him 3 times to leave it alone. I went to get him, told him he had to clean up his toys before dinner (there were maybe 3 of them outside of his room), he just refused to move. Ended up telling him he would stay in his room instead of having dinner then (I guess dh didn't like it though but he got him to clean up after a bit). A couple weeks ago we asked him to put his cars away, after 3 warnings I put a couple in the trash, and he still sat there crying without doing anything about it.

I guess I have no idea how to relate to him or something. I just don't know what to do anymore. With DD if I tell her she can have a snack/we can go out/whatever, she will do what I ask. With him it's like pulling teeth, even when it's something he really wants (on Saturday I bought them two new games for their mobigos and told them he could have them if he filled the toy bins, she once again did most of the job while he sat there and put maybe two toys in a bin).

Any word of wisdom? Seriously I suck at that parenting thing. I always go through my threats. It doesn't seem to matter. I don't get it. It sucks. I'm hoping school will help him with complying but at the same time I'm not sure I can send him if he keeps peeing and pooping in his underwear.

 

No words of advice on PTing other than it will take time. He sounds like a boy when it comes to transitions. They don't do that or multi-tasking well. As far as I can tell, none of my boys (DH included) understand why I need then to stop what they are doing if what I am asking is not life-threatening critical. What I have done is introduced transitions. 10 mins before dinner time, I tell them it is 10 mins and they have to wind down what they are doing. They then get a 5 min and if they are really engaged, 1 min warning. Usually mine come but if they don't, I go over and see what they are doing and act very interested. Once I give them like 2-3 mins of attention, I say "hey let's go eat and play again with this after lunch/dinner". IMO, with him, rather than being directive, make him feel like he is helping you or part of your team when you need to do something. Give him small reasonable choices "would you like to use the paper towels or sponge to clean up the yogurt?" and the power struggle will disappear. It's not always easy to do but the more you can do it, the more cooperation you will get.

 

The potty training/accidents is TOTALLY out of your control (a power struggle that you CANNOT win). If you have ruled out medical issues causing the problems, I would make him change his wet clothes, and bring them to the dirty laundry area (hamper, laundry room, etc)....if he refuses, I would do 'hand over hand' with him...take your hands and make his hands do what you asked him to do (in a teaching way, not a mean way). He will eventually see that no matter what, he is doing what is asked, so he might as well just do it when he is asked to do it.

Did the doctor do any tests to ACTUALLY see if he is constipated? Did he just think he was? I would ask for tests to see what is happening inside his body. A simple x-ray will show the constipation. Did they have you give meds to "poop him out" (my sons doctor calls it that when you give meds to cause his poop to be pure liquid and then give maintenance meds to keep him unconstipated.) We take my son to a pediatric urologist.

I would do 'hand over hand' cleaning up the yogurt, the toys, etc....DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH NOT DOING IT. If you cannot get him to mind you at 4, how do you expect him to listen at 10, 16, 18, etc. Everything that you tell him to do must come across as a MUST DO "Christopher, you must pick up your cars. Which one will you pick up first?" That allows him to feel like he is in control of making the choices, but in the long run, he is picking the toys up. Do not say something like "Christopher, I would like for you to pick up your toys, ok?" Even though as an adult it seems like it means the same thing, but to a child, it seems like they have an option of doing it.

Stay strong and never give in. You are not a failure, you just need to approach your son differently than you do your daughter.

 

Fran, you've gotten some great advice here. I really agree with announcing some time before transitions. One of the things I did to make both of my kids more cooperative was be competitive with them, "Who clean up the mess faster then Mommy?" "Who can clean up the lunch dishes first?" "how many red toys can you put away?, etc" Then praise them both for the good job they've done, even if it's not perfect. Sometimes in the effort to clean up, my kids make more of a mess along the way. I also agree with giving him two options that inevitably result in him doing what you want him to do.

It does sound like he relies a little on your DD to do all the "work". Believe me, if I'm not paying attention, my DS would be happy to sit back and watch DD do all the cleaning and she will not complain about doing more then her fair share. So I've had to be on top of that, divide the room into her area to clean up and his area to clean up. Because if left to their own devices, he would definitely let her shoulder the work and she would do it without complaining.

As for the PT-ing thing, I agree, it will take time. I would continue to be consistent with your expectations in that area.

 

Fran-you are not a failure, I can assure you that this is a phase (typical boyish things) and also something all of us have been through at some point. I dont have a ton of advice other then what the pp's have already said but wanted to give you some moral support. :hug:

 

I agree. I don't think you are failure.

You probably need to find his "ticket." It may be that you haven't found it yet.

Your DD and DS may respond to different things to motivate them. IMHO, like the PP's said (you've already gotten great advice), he may need more praise for the (little as it is) effort he is doing. In addition, he may need a very specific idea of what is expected. It may not be fair (as your DD seems to be putting in more of an effort) but it may work to help him to get the ball rolling.

For example, give him credit for putting away the one toy and say something like ("You did a great job putting away that one toy! If you put away five more we can watch a movie, start our bath, play a game, etc.).

Yep, PT'ing is hard. Accidents are inevitable. Again, I would suggest you make a big deal out of staying dry ("Wow, you were dry a whole 1/2 hour! Great job! Let's see if you can stay dry for the whole hour and then we can go outside and play!"). Oh, I know it sounds silly to us, but hopefully you can make it work.

This parenting thing really isn't easy is it? GL!

 

I would also suggest reading "Raising Your Spirited Child." I'm sure you feel like the last thing you have time/energy for is reading, but I've found it so helpful in figuring out how to handle both of mine when they get like that. You may not even really consider him spirited, but many spirited children are very, very stubborn and have trouble with transitions, and there's a lot of good advice in the book. Plus, it just makes you realize you're not alone. Parents all over the world are tearing their hair out over this kind of behavior!