Don't trust my husband to watch our girls

Hey Everyone!!

I just wanted some opinions. I have gotten so much great and useful information from all you moms out there...I could really use your wisdom on this topic. Maybe I just want to vent as well

Our girls are almost 20 months and on the go constantly...usually in the opposite direction! They are at the age where they are curious about everything but aren't fully aware of consequences or dangers yet. I became a SAHM a couple of months ago and, w/out a doubt, this is the most physically, mentally and exhausting job I've ever had. On top of that, it never ends!! I now weigh 20 lbs less then before I got pregnant b/c I'm constantly chasing the girls and don't really get time to eat. I feel like I might lose my mind b/c I never get a break. In the beginning, my husband just didn't really help with the girls. My life did a complete 180 degree turn around, while his really didn't change at all. He goes out with his friends, goes on vacations with his friends, goes to the store and just sleeps whenever he wants, not to mention he doesn't help at all around the house. I finally got so frustrated of feeling like a single parent that I asked for a seperation. He suggested marriage counseling and I agreed. Through counseling he was diagnosed as ADHD. Our counselor believes that after he begins treamtent for the ADHD he should get better at helping around the house and with the girls. He also told my husband that he needs to let me get out everynow and then to have some alone time or time with friends.
My husband has more then obliged to let me do my thing. However, the last two times he was responsible for the girls (one of those times I was just upstairs cooking dinner!) turned out to be a disaster! Apparently he wasn't watching them on both instances and they got into a room that is off limits b/c I have many collectibles that are made of glass. Both times they broke several things. I was upset b/c these things I have been collecting since I was a little girl and aren't made anymore were destroyed but more then that, the girls could have been seriously injured. I believe they have angles watching over them! Things like this happen all the time when he is watching them...even if I just leave the room to use the bathroom or cook dinner! When we are together, I guess I assume I can watch one while he watches the other. When I look over, the one he is watching is standing on a chair, playing with wires, if it's dangerous, she's doing it....and he's not watching! He says I'm a helicopter parent and too over protective. I just want them to be safe! When I ask him to help me feed them, he'll give them each half a cheeseburger, for example. They only have half of their teeth! And don't get me started with all the near fatal things that have happened during bathtime! He only helps me with them when I ask. I'm ready to quite asking b/c they seem to be safer when I watch them by myself, even though I am exhausted!

I feel like I'm losing my mind b/c I know I need a break. I need to get out for my own well being, but at what cost to the girls? He is more then willing to let me get out, but I would never forgive myself if something happened to the girls. What would you do? Are husbands just naturally neglectful? If so, do they get better? Sometimes I feel like I'm just staying with him b/c at least now I can supervise him while he's with them. If we were to seperate, he would be alone with them and they would be neglected.

What would you do if you were me? I could use a vacation but I'll start with some advice

Thank you!!

 

:hug: Sounds very overwhelming. No I do not believe husbands are generally neglectful. I will say mine will watch the news while the boys play while I'm usually watching the boys play and listen to the news but he has always been very watchful to make sure if they leave the room to go see what they are into. Toddlers are dangerous beings....they have no fear! You do need a break, do you have any family that could come help your DH while you get out for a couple hours? I don't think he is doing it on purpose...maybe he thinks the twins understand better than they do?

 

You definitely need a break and you need help. I agree with MrsWright, do you have someone that can help yor hubs while you get a breather. You'dthink when left alone, he'd get a better understanding of ehat you go through but considering his own issues, that doesn't seem to be the case. Check with every family member or friend you trust your little ones with, and get out for a bit.

 

I don't think husbands are naturally neglectful. :hug: It sure does sound like you need a break. I agree with the PP's, is there a friend or family member who can help out while he is watching them? Also, are you able to talk to him about your concerns?

 

so sorry for the issues! Yes, you need to get out. But you are also wanting to make sure everyone and everything is safe... one thing I will say, though, is that with practice, my dh has gotten very adept at helping and half the time he does a better job of it than me and even manages to clean up dishes too! Kinda makes me feel put to shame... hopefully you can find a way to keep everything safe and for you to enjoy some time!

maybe you could start with monitoring bathtime... then giving him some time on his own to gain confidence.

 

Practice makes perfect. The only way for him to learn is to do it. That's why I started my DH in on the program from day 1. No time like the present. You will have to actually leave the house tho. GL!

 

Has he started on medicine for the ADHD?

Yeah, it's sucky what's happening, but untreated disorders or any kind can really wreak havoc in relationships.

 

Ok, I don't know you or your DH. From reading your post, I kind of feel like you are enabling your DH to NOT step up with your children. At some point I just have to "let go", and let my DH step in. Sure, it's not the way I would have done it. Maybe they have a bump or a bruise (but who am I kidding, those have happened on my watch too), but I know he loves our children, and he does do his best. I imagine since your DH knows you are in the next room, he knows you'll come in and rescue him if the situation gets out of control. Whereas, if he were alone, he would have to step up to the plate.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of leaving, maybe start out real slow. Take a walk around the block. Run to the grocery for 10 things (and take your cell!), then slowly increase the amount of time you leave him with them.

As for your collectibles, we have been slowly undecorating our house room by room, as the boys get more and more mobile. As they can reach more things, we pack them up and move them out. I guess it's one of those things were we just want to choose our battles, and not having things that they shouldn't have, cuts down on the "no's" we have to say, etc.

Just my two cents... ardon:

 

I am probably going to sound very insensitive - but you DO need a break, you can't keep going like this, and it sounds to me like you are driving yourself insane with worry and fear and I do think you need to trust your husband. My dh is super helpful and I trust him completely, BUT he doesn't watch them like I do at all. Whereas I will do anything to stop whining, or boredom by getting on the floor and playing with them, etc. - it doesn't bother him in the slightest. It does drive me crazy that it seems so much harder for me to watch the kids than him because my full focus and energy is on them but that is my own issue - he is not putting them in danger, he loves them and is watching out for them, he just doesn't give them his undivided attention and I am learning that is OK. The kids sort out their issues better when with him, play independently more, and listen when he says no because he isn't saying it all the time! IMO 20 month olds can gnaw on half a cheeseburger, will stand on chairs in half a second no matter who is watching them, and are attracted to wires and things you don't want torn up (at my house it is books) like a moth to a flame! It does sound to me like you may be a touch unrealistic about toddler behavior and the bumps, scratches, bruises and sometimes worse that come along with it. They are going to get hurt on your watch and his, eventually and it is awful, but just how it is. I totally agree with PP - you need to take baby steps and get out of the house. Only you know how your dh really is and if you honestly can't trust him you have got to find someone else that you do trust that can watch the kids because not only is being overwhelmed bad for you, but the kids also probably need a change of pace! Good luck and hang in there!

 

I believe that most women have a hard time trusting anyone with their children. I was one of those women until circumstances beyond my control arose and I was hospitalized for months, leaving my infants behind in the care of others. At that point, I soon realized my children would be all right without me hovering over them. I would suggest you book a one hour time slot away from your children. I would choose a time when the children are generally happy and content, perhaps right after breakfast. Then, I would try a two hour time slot etc etc. This allows you to trust your husband bit by bit. Take a cell phone with you. It will be the best for you both and I bet your husband will also feel great about it. The fact that your husband is willing to care for them speaks volumes. Go for it!

 

I trust my husband completely. He's better at watching them than I am and I'm more the relaxed one. I think it's because I know they are safe with him. I also want the boys to feel they can play and discover stuff while my husband is extremely protective of them.

However, looking at your post, that is nothing like me or my husband. Your husband is still not doing enough. Whether or not he has started his meds he needs time to adjust. Even with the meds, that doesn't not automatically make him the watchful daddy you need him to be. I hope you both haven't stopped going to counseling because this is an ongoing problem that needs to be addressed. You need to know why he does not feel he has to watch them and feed them stuff you do not approve of. He may not understand what these kids are capable of at this age and how they do not understand the consequences of playing with glass and wires. he cannot be sitting around watching what he wants until he puts his kids' safety first in his mind. You lost valuables. You already understand it could have been worse, but these are memories that you built up and he was not considerate of your things by allowing the kids to play there. Kids on chairs with wires, if he was well enough to watch them, even he'd understand how bad that could have been. He's not ready to watch them.

I strongly suggest you find help to watch the kids while you go out. It is important for you to get your time out. Maybe have a babysitter watch them while you and he go out together and try to sort some of your issues out as a couple. Try to figure out where he's at health-wise. He could be depressed as well. ADHD can bring that on. That makes him less likely to follow through with some things because he's feeling extremely down and useless. He may not feel he can handle it, but wants to help you out. You can't fix that. The doctor would have to prescribe him an anti-depressant.

You both sound overwhelmed either way. I do hope that this gets worked out, but I do agree that he's not ready to take on responsibility of watching the kids until his health (ADHD and possibly depression) is more stable.

 

Husbands are not neglectful, some are absolutely amazing. My husband is a great twin dad but it has taken lots and lots of training, conversations, and full blown fights. Most men have a harder time understanding young children's needs, especially those of twins. You do need a break, but you will go crazy if you don't trust him so three things need to happen to calm your anxiety: your husband needs to be appropriately treated if necessary, or he can't be fully present in any way; you need to 'train' him to do things according to what's safest and what you and your girls are also comfortable with, i.e. the routine, rules, etc.; and last, you need to go one step at a time. Maybe leave the house for a short while the first time, or just go for a walk or coffee. Then discuss how it went with your husband. Take it slow but you need a break, so you need to find someone else who can care for them here and there. He can and will learn if he wants to. I think if he begins to even just help you more at home you will notice a huge difference in your fatigue and stress levels.
Good luck I really hope you both make it work asap, and really enjoy your beautiful twins.

 

Have you considered asking him to take a parenting class? Maybe hearing the basics from someone else will convince him that it's not just you saying this, it's common sense!

My husband watches the kids fairly often. He might not do everything like I do, but he does keep them safe and happy, which are the important things. Push hard on the things that are safety hazards and let the rest go.

 

If husbands are naturally neglectful then I’ve been neglecting my negligent tendencies, as have all the other fathers I know (Okay, to be honest, MOST of the other fathers. I do know one that is more invested in his gaming console and television than his son).

It sounds like you husband is trying to take a more active role. Let him. And let him make, and learn from, his own mistakes. He’ll figure out how to handle it when he’s alone taking care of the girls, just like you did. It’s unfortunate that your things got broken… but things are going to get broken. Lock the door, install a gate, or move the collectibles somewhere out of reach. Inevitably something will still get broken, but hopefully nothing irreplaceable.

You probably do need a break, but if your uncomfortable with it, maybe try starting small. Start with going to your local café and picking up a coffee. You might only be out of the house for ten or fifteen minutes, but after a while that should feel more comfortable, and you can extend your time to having your drink at the café and enjoying some quite time to read or chat with friends for thirty minutes or so. Then just keep slowly extending the amount of time you are out as you get more comfortable with it.

It can be difficult for us dads, many of you moms expect us to screw something up, that’s not much of a motivator, and it doesn’t help to hit us with guilt bombs about ‘what if’ something happens to the kids. If you REALLY think we’re all that neglectful, if you think that fathers need to be supervised, then all I can say is that maybe you’ve picked the wrong partner to have children with. We aren’t neglectful as a group. Really. We love our children and want what’s best for them. There may be disagreements about what IS best… with any couple there are bound to be differences of parenting style, if some of those differences are significant then you need to come to an agreement as a couple about what the parenting expectations are.