Does your family make comments about how many kids you should have?

This comment drives me nuts. After I had ds and almost died from having preeclampsia and him being 13 weeks premature, they all saw fit to tell me I was done having kids . THen I got pregnant with Kaitlyn and she died at the same gestation my son was born...this time I was told to be glad with what I have and not have anymore . 4 months later I was pregnant with the girls They flipped, they all said I had to be done and that I was being selfish . Heres the thing, though dh and I have our share in marriage and financial troubles we havent done anything permenant. Im only 23 and dh is 24, we have only been married 5 years (yes we were young and in love and ran off to get married). From the way things are now, I have MANY years ahead of me to have more kids, why would I get my tubes tied or have dh get a V at this age?
I know Im a terrible pregnant person, my body simply doesnt like to be pregnant, I have pre-e and HELLP, there has been IUGR in all 3 pregnancies, and the placenta and umbilical cord for each pregnancy did not form right but still...I HAVE MANY MORE YEARS. THe way we look at it is that 5-10 years from now there will be new technology, maybe they will find out what is causing me to have these problems.
Im so tired of hearing that Im selfish for eventually wanting more, its not like Im trying to get pregnant right now or anything...geez Im even on the pill and gaining wieght because of it
I would like to think that once dh and I get completely away from his parents that we can find a good church and get our marriage worked out and be so happy again and eventually try again.
Niether one of us feels that we are done, we feel that it is in our future to try again.
THe #1 question I get from strangers is " your done right?" I mean seriously what is wrong with having a large family? Geez you should see peoples faces when I tell them that I actually have 4 kids, with one being an angel....I even had one lady jokingly tell me "well I know what causes pregnancy" duh I think I was there
I love having kids, I dont really like being pregnant for obvious reasons but I love my kids, even when they drive me nuts.

Anyways I just get so mad when Im told how I should live my life

Anyone else?

 

This comment drives me nuts. After I had ds and almost died from having preeclampsia and him being 13 weeks premature, they all saw fit to tell me I was done having kids . THen I got pregnant with Kaitlyn and she died at the same gestation my son was born...this time I was told to be glad with what I have and not have anymore . 4 months later I was pregnant with the girls They flipped, they all said I had to be done and that I was being selfish . Heres the thing, though dh and I have our share in marriage and financial troubles we havent done anything permenant. Im only 23 and dh is 24, we have only been married 5 years (yes we were young and in love and ran off to get married). From the way things are now, I have MANY years ahead of me to have more kids, why would I get my tubes tied or have dh get a V at this age?
I know Im a terrible pregnant person, my body simply doesnt like to be pregnant, I have pre-e and HELLP, there has been IUGR in all 3 pregnancies, and the placenta and umbilical cord for each pregnancy did not form right but still...I HAVE MANY MORE YEARS. THe way we look at it is that 5-10 years from now there will be new technology, maybe they will find out what is causing me to have these problems.
Im so tired of hearing that Im selfish for eventually wanting more, its not like Im trying to get pregnant right now or anything...geez Im even on the pill and gaining wieght because of it
I would like to think that once dh and I get completely away from his parents that we can find a good church and get our marriage worked out and be so happy again and eventually try again.
Niether one of us feels that we are done, we feel that it is in our future to try again.
THe #1 question I get from strangers is " your done right?" I mean seriously what is wrong with having a large family? Geez you should see peoples faces when I tell them that I actually have 4 kids, with one being an angel....I even had one lady jokingly tell me "well I know what causes pregnancy" duh I think I was there
I love having kids, I dont really like being pregnant for obvious reasons but I love my kids, even when they drive me nuts.

Anyways I just get so mad when Im told how I should live my life

Anyone else?

 

People tell me all the time that with one boy and one girl I have the perfect, instant family.....I happen to agree with them, but if I didn't it would drive me up a wall.

I also think you are young and making permanent (or semi) changes would be hard to do. I know that I changed as a person a LOT between 20 and 30. You never know what might happen. You might get older and feel more satisfied and be done or you might have more kids just to show all those family members you can do what you want, or you will see where they are coming from and have dr's to assure you that they can help you overcome those things.

I think the biggest thing I'm hearing from your family (in your words) is that they LOVE YOU and don't want to LOSE YOU! They don't want you to endure more heartbreak like you have already. Put yourself in their shoes if only to understand why they would say those things.

It's not really any of their business unless they are the ones to pick up the pieces when you have loss. I'm sorry you have gone through SO much at such a young age. Give yourself and your body time to heal and then see where you are.

 

I get the opposite..my FIL is always asking us when we are having more...ummm we had to do IVF to get our twins and I am so happy and complete with them. Plus they are only 3 months old...what makes him think I would be even ready to have another?? Crazy!

I do agree with PP on that they are just looking out for your health and welfare. It must have been really tough on you to have your DD pass away and I am sure they wouldn't want you to go through that again. That being said, it is your decision on whether your family is complete or not and they should keep that in mind.

 

I agree with you. You know that you could die during pregnancy. You know that the babies may die or have IUGR like your other babies, but it is your life. I would make the same decision you made if I were you.

We get the same thing. We have made five children, our first with genetic problems and our second with autism. We now have four living babies. Right now I couldn't imagane having more, but I am only 32 years old - we might want more later. We hear from everyone "haven't you done something about that." If God wants to give us more children - normal or not - I will take what we get. Granted, we do use birth control but we know that isn't 100% and if something happens then we can deal with it.

Try not to let the comments get to you. They don't walk in your shoes and what is right for one person isn't neccisarily right for another!

angel

 

Half the people say we're lucky to be done after only one pregnancy and the rest say now we should try for a son. I find both comments infuriating First, who says that two are all we want? and second, who says having just girls isn't ok?
I try not to discuss these comments with those who make them because that just gives them room to say more and more.
You and your DH make the decisions that seem right to you and you're the only ones who knows what is right.

 

This is really your decision and noone else's. I agree with you. I don't know why people feel they must ask these types of questions. I have 9 children by the way. My dh and I were told the oh you must be done thing after we had a girl and then a boy. So, without thinking my dh had a vas. Right away we felt like it was a poor decision. We really feel that children are a blessing and not something to just so lightly spurn. So, he had a reversal and thankfully it worked and we had 7 more children. Every day, I feel enormously thankful for the beautiful children that we have been given. Mind you, I do do pregnancy fairly well and all our children are amazingly healthy. But nonetheless, don't let others pressure you into such a decision. Don't misunderstand me. I do realize that it's not easy for some to get pregnant and to be pregnant. My heart really does ache for those of you in that place. After 1 miscarriage I felt so shocked and so full of grief. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a baby later in pregnancy. But from my view as one with a large family - I love it!
It does sound like your family cares alot for you!
Could you work on your health as you and your hubby decide? I have a friend who has had multiple miscarriages and bedridden pregnancies. She really worked on building/repairing her body after her last tragic pregnancy. Now she is pregnant again and it is going so much better. Just a thought?

 

My son is 2 and any girl twins are twins are 10 months. I'd like to adopt one more since I hate being pregnant. People always tell me that I'm done having kids and it's annoying. My favorite is when strangers confuse of of my twina for a boy and say "a boy and a girl" now you must be done having kids. I just say "yep" and walk on laughing to myself. Since it's non of their business I don't even bother telling then she's a girl.

 

I know my family is just worried about my health and what would happen if I didnt make it through pregnancy or lost another baby. We were told all the time that Madison wouldnt make it, no one thought I could successfully carry twins, no one even thought I could make it past that 27+4 mark, I mean how many people do we meet that delivered 2 seperate pregnancies so prematurely? I know they worry, its just hard on me. Its hard living knowing that your body doesnt "get" how its supposed to work. There is no known cause of preeclampsia, no one knows why i got it, no one knows why I clot in pregnancy (ive been tested for all autoimmune and clotting disorders), no one knows what is going on with my umbilical cords or placentas (the problems with these are what we think is causing the pree but of course no one can verify that). To be honest I have been advised not to have any more children...but whose to say that 5 years down the road technology wont have changed and come up wiht a cure...maybe somehow they will find what causes these problems in me. Its not easy being 23 and having been through what I have and being told to end my childbearing years...most people havent even started yet.
I guess I just get tired of being told that Im making bad decisions when in my heart I feel we made the right choices.

 

I have lupus and with my first I had eclampsia, seizures and all. I was "done" but I remarried and found a great doctor. So we got pregnant and miscarried then had Norah and Nevan. My mother was NOT happy but I ignored all her comments. When we found out we were having twins she not so politely suggested I get my tubes tied. I laughed at her. People always say "So you are done?" ANd I respond, "Why are you offering?" That usually shuts them up! We want more, I'm not as young as you are but I have a few years to be productive

Oh yeah and 7 years ago they did NOT reccomend people with Lupus have children. I successfully carried twins full term after that. You are so right, things change so drastically in such short time!

 

I have g/g twins and get the same comments as a pp-1. we got our two at once and must be done and 2. because we have 2 girls we must want to try for a boy. FIL in the biggest pusher of the "try for a boy" club-he now has six grandchildren and they are all girls. DH's brother also has g/g twins! So, he does push a little but DH is good at deflecting him. As far as being done goes, we had planned on only having two children but had no inclination that we might have twins-no twins anywhere in my family line. Right now, I don't feel done being pregnant. We were very lucky and got pregnant the first month we tried and had a fairly uneventful pregnancy-PTL scare at 33 weeks then induced at 38 weeks. We haven't decided for sure, so we haven't done anything permanent. DH will be 40 in 2007 and I just turned 32 a couple of days ago and I still feel I have time!

Angela