Does your family come over more or your inlaws?

Since the beginning my mom, sister, and grandpa (who is 89) come to our at our home multiple times per week to help out or visit. When they visit they also feed and change diapers, not just sit there to be entertained. DH's mom and sister tell everyone they know that they are always at our house helping out, when the reality is that they only come over about every 2 to 3 weeks, arrive 1-3 hours late, stay for a maximum of 2 hours, and rarely change a diaper or feed a baby. Plus they make snide comments about how my family is always over. I tell them they are welcome whenever they want and we are home, but that has not changed the situiation.

DH is really starting to get upset with them and says if his dad was still alive things would be different. I think he was upset because yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day his dad died, so he was talking about it again last night. I told him I thought is was the norm for the mother's relatives to be more actively involved with your children. Do you find this true?

 

QUOTE(ckreh @ Mar 21 2009, 07:13 AM) [snapback]1237988[/snapback]
I told him I thought is was the norm for the mother's relatives to be more actively involved with your children. Do you find this true?



I really don't find that to be true in our family's life or any of my extended families and close friends' lives. The father's relatives are just involved, if not more involved, in every family I can think of that I am close to. I certainly don't plan on that being true when my 3 boys are married and have children. I will be as involved as my parents and in-laws have been in our life.

My DH's parents live about 1 hour away and they are up here at least every other weekend, if not every weekend. They would be up more but my MIL is still working, so they can't come up during the week. They frequently take our older DS back to their house for a 2-3 day stay, they drop everything at the drop of a hat and come up to our house to help out if we need them, etc. My parents live 3 hours away and they come at least 1xmonth and stay for 2-4 days and they also frequently take our older DS for a 3-4 day stay at their house. I also try to pack up the kids and go visit my parents 1xmonth since they live farther away and they are both retired, I can go during the week, have help, and then come home and spend the weekend with my DH and kids.

I'm sorry your in-laws do not seem as interested in your family as you and your DH hoped. That would be really difficult for me, too. Especially when you have emphasized that they are welcome any time - yet they don't come more often and then have the nerve to make negative comments about your family being around so much. Do they feel comfortable and welcome in your home? Does your DH ask them to come visit more often? Do you ask them for help? I think some people are uncomfortable just jumping in and helping b/c they worry they will offend the daughter-in-law. Maybe you could all sit down and have an honest conversation about the whole thing?

 

My parents live 9 hours away and DH's Dad and wife live 45mins away. His Mom lives in Ohio and has come to visit once, when the boys were were 13 months. If you add up all the days that my parents have spent with the boys and the days DH's dad/wife has come to visit (usually 3hrs), my parents would have them beat by double! The IL's only come over (or we go there) once a month (if they are in town). When my parents come, they stay for days. I also have gone to my parents when DH deploys (b/c I know I won't have help from the ILs). My mom won't hesitate to change a diaper, get them dressed, put them down for a nap. The IL's never (not once) offer to change or feed the babies. I think it is really all about the people. This is the first "grandchild/children" for my parents, yet the 10th/11th for the IL's. I think that makes a big difference.

I think it's wonderful that you have both sides so close. Maybe if your DH talked to his mom and sister, he'd feel better about it.

:hug:

 

When my oldest was born my parents came over quite a bit before I went back to work. MIL, not so much. But both my parents were retired and they would call and invite themselves over. Now both my dad and MIL call and invite themselves over. It works well taht way becuase we're about 1 1/2 hours away from both of them.

 

I have no baseline to answer this question, but I just wanted to send some :hug: your way. I agree with Megan that maybe your DH could sit with his Mom and sister and talk about how he feels and maybe they would be more involved.
In our case, my parents are over every week and DH's sisters are pretty involved in the kid's life as well. His one sister is also over every week. My DH's parents are both deceased (Mom died in 1991, Dad in 2006) so I know that for my DH it is bittersweet because he always says how his parents would have enjoyed their grandchildren and he wishes they were around to see them.

 

QUOTE(ckreh @ Mar 21 2009, 07:13 AM) [snapback]1237988[/snapback]
Do you find this true?


Yes, in our case. My parents live less than 2 miles from our house, but my mom still works full time, more than 40 hours a week. My IL's live about 45 minutes away but my MIL is retired. I could count on one hand the number of times my IL's have come here. I usually bring the girls over to my parents house though, just so I can get out of the house.

 

My parents live a mile away and are always having us over or coming over to say hi. His parents live 10 minutes away and NEVER come over and only invite us over for birthdays and holidays. It drives me insane but DH could care less about seeing his parents. And honestly I don't mind that they aren't that involved. They do come to soccer games for my older DD and are involved in anything at her school that they can attend. I just wish they would invite us over more often like my parents do. If my mom and dad don't see the girls for like 3 days, they start getting withdraws and have to stop by. I love that my kids are close to their grandparents!

 

My IL's are over more often and both sets of parents live close. My parents, however, both work full-time jobs still so that is the reason why. They are both VERY active in the kids lives though. We are very lucky in that aspect.

 

Same. My mother and father have helped us a ton! My MIL came once a week for the first few months and now comes every other month once. My parents have to fly to see us and she lives the next town over. I love her to death, but I know if my parents were any closer they would be over once a week - although I would hate this! hee hee. I can't really complain because I don't actually want visitors more often!

 

I wish DH could talk to his mom and sister. They take every thing as a personal assult. For example one time they told me they would be here by noon, so at 1:30pm I called to make sure I hadn't misheard them or mixed up days. She got upset, said they were running late and were going to stop at a scrapbook show on the way to our house. Needless to say they didn't show up at our house for another 2 hours and had attitude with me for a week.

My mil is the type of person that needs other people to make her feel better. She actually had my sil call me and tell me that she was upset that Max & Lily weren't sending her Grandma Christmas, Valentines Day, Easter, etc. cards. As if we aren't busy enough working full time with infant twins, now I have to send special cards for every Hallmark holiday that will eventually get thrown out anyway. To me that is a total waste and why do I need to fluff her ego. Of course DH insists on doing this now just to keep her quiet.

So basically when it comes to his family I am considered the B**** because I voice my opinion and stand by our decisions. I think they believe I have turned him against them, but in reality they did it to themselves.

Thanks for the replies. It made me feel like I am not alone and just have "different" inlaws.

 

QUOTE(ckreh @ Mar 21 2009, 08:27 PM) [snapback]1238736[/snapback]
My mil is the type of person that needs other people to make her feel better. She actually had my sil call me and tell me that she was upset that Max & Lily weren't sending her Grandma Christmas, Valentines Day, Easter, etc. cards. As if we aren't busy enough working full time with infant twins, now I have to send special cards for every Hallmark holiday that will eventually get thrown out anyway. To me that is a total waste and why do I need to fluff her ego. Of course DH insists on doing this now just to keep her quiet.


Yikes, it definitely sounds like she has issues! I'd say the problems mostly are due to her insecurities and not just that she's an in-law. How are her relationships with her daughter and her daughter's kids? She sounds like she needs to get a grip on reality! If anyone is going to send all of those Hallmark Holiday cards, shouldn't it be the grandparents sending the cards to their grandkids?

 

QUOTE(mama23boys @ Mar 21 2009, 09:59 PM) [snapback]1238771[/snapback]
Yikes, it definitely sounds like she has issues! I'd say the problems mostly are due to her insecurities and not just that she's an in-law. How are her relationships with her daughter and her daughter's kids? She sounds like she needs to get a grip on reality! If anyone is going to send all of those Hallmark Holiday cards, shouldn't it be the grandparents sending the cards to their grandkids?


These are her only grandkids. My sil's husband was killed in a tragic car accident 10 years ago, she never remarried and just had to have medically necessary hysterecemy last year.

By the way she sends the kids cards for every holiday and buys them outfits or bibs for every holiday. I told DH that I was disappointed she missed President's Day . She even buys us gifts for Valentines Day and Easter even though we tell her to focus on the kids, not us.

Like my sister says "everyone has a little crazy in their family", it just gets to me sometimes and it really upsets DH because she has always treated him like 2nd fiddle to his sister even though she tried for 5 years to have him and had 4 MC's in between them. He can never do anything right in his mother's eyes and his sister is an angel even though he was very much wanted and tried for. I told him if you can't please her, quit trying and don't worry about what she thinks.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

My MIL and FIL live only 3 hrs away while my parents live 5 hrs away. so IL's come here more often. MIL also is more hands on than my mom. But this was the way it was when my DD was born. My mom is much better now that DD is older. Mom just has something against dirty diapers, spit up etc. I don't know how she survived me and my brother. MIL will completely take over and let me get some sleep.

 

QUOTE(ckreh @ Mar 21 2009, 02:13 PM) [snapback]1237988[/snapback]
Since the beginning my mom, sister, and grandpa (who is 89) come to our at our home multiple times per week to help out or visit. When they visit they also feed and change diapers, not just sit there to be entertained. DH's mom and sister tell everyone they know that they are always at our house helping out, when the reality is that they only come over about every 2 to 3 weeks, arrive 1-3 hours late, stay for a maximum of 2 hours, and rarely change a diaper or feed a baby. Plus they make snide comments about how my family is always over. I tell them they are welcome whenever they want and we are home, but that has not changed the situiation.

DH is really starting to get upset with them and says if his dad was still alive things would be different. I think he was upset because yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day his dad died, so he was talking about it again last night. I told him I thought is was the norm for the mother's relatives to be more actively involved with your children. Do you find this true?


My family live in the UK and I live in Spain and my MIL practically lives with us. She lives, with FIL, 1.5 hours´ drive away and she´s here every week. Even though I can cope alone, she always insists on coming when DH is away on business. I have a lady who comes to help me every afternoon Mon-Fri so it´s not as if I´d be on the go 24/7. I think MIL wants them to recognise her (they do!) and is afraid they will forget her if she stays away for more than 1 or 2 weeks. I appreciate the help but sometimes I wish she´d back off as I hardly get a look in (I bathed my babies for the first time in a week yesterday!). We can´t have it all though! My mum is great with the kids and knows how to handle DD, who is very sensitive, very well. I guess we´re all more comfy with our mums, which is to be expected!