does your dh stay home with them alone?

My dh helps me out a lot taking care of the babies...he does not mind feeding or just holding a baby in the middle of the night or
watching them in the weekend...as long as I am around....
He tells me to go out (we have no family around) that he will take care of them...but after 2 hours of me being gone I usually
get a phone call asking me to come home and then come home to a very stressed out hubby and babies screaming...
as soon as I walk in the door and hold them a bit the crying stops (he does feed, change, etc, but they do get soooo cranky with him alone)Not that the babies don't cry with me, of course they do sometimes...but it doe snot get to me that much anymore.

so now we are back to square one I decided that I either go out with one baby or go out after they go to sleep. Fortunately the
go to bed around 5 or 6...if not a bit earlier if they didn't nap much duirng the day.

I feel bad for dh and myself...he does wants to take care of them..but I worry when I'm out and then when I come home and
see him all frastruated I think the doesn't like to take care of them...and then I get upset......and sometimes I want to get
out in the middle of the day but I'm afraid to (the babies naps are very unpredicatable too..so I can't count on that)

just wondering how the other hubbies were doing it

 

When ours were that age we often took 1 baby each. That itself was a break! 1 baby felt like a breeze and was very manageable for both of us.
Once their naps got a little more predictable and they got a little bit older is when he would keep both otherwise I would make my outings short 1-2 hours.
Have you thought about hiring a pre-teen/teenage helper to give your husband a hand and hold/play with a baby? Otherwise Id stick with taking 1 baby, or making the outings short etc.

Maybe talk to your husdband and hear his feelings. does he feel overwhelmed? What could make things bettter for him? Maybe you arent alone in your thoughts and together you 2 could come up with a good solution.

GL!

 

Every week end he has the babies for 2-3 hours while I go out. I think I'd go insane otherwise! Ok, he sometimes forgets to give them a bottle and usually messes up their nap schedule, but still...

 

I think one of the very best pieces of advice us "old hands" can give mom's in the first year. Go away overnight. It doesn't matter where or when or why, just do it. In my case I had my gall bladder surgery when the girls were 7 months. It was a real eye opener for DH and CHANGED OUR LIFE! They won't get it until they spend at least 24 hours alone with them. Then they will see YOU and the babies in a whole new light.

 

That is nice that he tells you to go out and does that. I"m sure it is a help. Mine didn't stay home alone wiht them unless they were down for a nap.

 

My DH is their primary care giver when I'm at work. He's alone with them more than I am.

 

My dh does stay home with them. He is more at ease now that they are on a schedule and can be entertained with toys and such. He's not up to watching all 4 by himself yet, so If I need to go somewhere ALL by myself, I'll put the twins to bed and head out the door and he'll put the OC to bed. That is the only way I get any shopping done or social outings.

Two hours isn't bad for a dad. It's better than 30 minutes and practice makes perfect. The more he is put in charge of them the better he'll be able to handle them.

My suggestions: write out a detailed schedule for them and make as many preparations for him as possible to try and lessen his stress.

 

I used to go out once I got them down for a nap and then extend from there. I knew they would sleep a bit and then he could give them a bottle and go from there. I left them overnight when they were 9 months old with him for 2 nights.

 

At first my dh would avoid it - then he would do his best but I too would come home to him being stressed out. But in the last month or 6 weeks, things have gotten so much easier for them. Now he is fine with them. So I get to go to the gym more often!

 

Ya know, I think you gotta keep doing it. I think he will start to realize what to do when it gets crazy and you aren't around. And really, it's the only way to learn. DH was great about staying alone with the twins when they were young. We had them on a strict schedule, and he stuck to it. It actually helped him feel like he had the control.

Keep going out. Even if it's only a few hours. You need that for yourself, and he needs to figure it out. Good luck!

 

QUOTE(caba @ Feb 9 2009, 07:51 PM) [snapback]1183510[/snapback]
Keep going out. Even if it's only a few hours. You need that for yourself, and he needs to figure it out. Good luck!


I agree with this. My DH stays with them and is getting better with time. He is like a lot of dads in that he is not comfy with infants, but he tries!

 

i agree with PPs - just keep going out! he'll figure it out. that's what we did. the first handful of times, i would always come home to crying babies & a stressed out dad. then it gradually became crying babies and an okay dad. now, he's got his own system down pat & everybody`s happy when i get home. at first, i always wrote out detailed instructions for him, but then when the babies would do something that wasn't in the instructions he'd feel stuck & not know what to do. finally, i just said do whatever works - you'll figure it out & stopped leaving instructions. i mean, it's not like i have access to some magic baby-knowledge that he doesn't have - i had to learn too. i just learned faster because i was with them more. he does things SO differently than i do - but it works for him & babies, so i don't worry about it. it's also a lot better now that their schedule is much more predictable - the hardest thing in the early days was that i was BFing on demand & we never knew if they would want to eat in an hour or in three. i always just made sure to leave lots of EBM in the fridge - just in case.

 

Yup Keep going out ! Even if he calls after 2 hours that's ok. I always had to remind myself that if something would happen to me, that my dh would HAVE to take care of our girls alone. He is their father and 50% his. I tried to remember this when he was changing them, or us deciding together their routines in the beginning. They really need practice and it is the only way to get it. I really find that twin dads are the best dads because they are so involved. I think male bonding with their babies is something that is an on-going process unlike it is with the mothers who usually bond in the first month. It takes guys longer to recognize the baby signs but with practice they will and some can be just as good as any woman.

Heather

 

I was/am always around when DH is with the babies as he feels more confident when Im around. I suspect that the babies pick up on his nervousness when they cry hence him calling you. Us mums have our ways too

All credit to your DH for helping out so much. It took mine a long time to help out!

As yours get older, he´ll be more able to calm the crying as they cry so much less the oder they get as they can be distracted with a toy. My DH handles the crying no probs now!

GL

 

I give your DH credit for trying. I would talk to him about what is going on while you are out because maybe he does feel overwhelmed while you are gone. It could just be the age of the babies and it will get easier for him as they get older. But I would keep going out, eventually I think your DH will figure it out with more experience.
My DH was (and still is) very good with them alone. He sticks to the schedule and things go pretty smoothly with him. Good luck!

 

I agree with the previous posters, it is great that he is willing to keep trying. I would just keep on trying, maybe at shorter intervals at first? He will get the hang of it.

 

QUOTE(sullivanre @ Feb 9 2009, 06:42 PM) [snapback]1183413[/snapback]
My DH is their primary care giver when I'm at work. He's alone with them more than I am.


seconded

He just needs more time alone with them but in smaller, more frequent spurts. Start by running to the store leaving them with him, and build your time up (and his confidence up) to several hours away.

 

QUOTE(becasquared @ Feb 10 2009, 09:20 AM) [snapback]1184033[/snapback]
He just needs more time alone with them but in smaller, more frequent spurts. Start by running to the store leaving them with him, and build your time up (and his confidence up) to several hours away.

Ditto

This is what we did. i would go to the store when they were napping but be gone when they woke up so DH would have to give a bottle, change diapers, etc. When the boys were more on a schedule and little bit older, DH was much more confident in taking care of them. It just takes time, practice, and patience.

 

My DH is staying home with the boys while I go back to work for the next couple of months. But we have both been home for the last 3 months so DH has been VERY involved.

That said...they still tend to cry more with him I think because he takes it personal and they can sense his tension. (Especially Christopher who is just so sensitive) He gets irriatated that when I take a crying baby they stop soon after. Of course they cry with me, but I tend to be more relaxed about it and realize they are doing what they do.

Practice really has given my dh more confidence, especially if I recognize that they will have their own relationship with him and he doesn't have to do 'everything' my way (just most of it! hahaha)

They may cry less with me...but they smile more with him!!

Good luck and I agree wtih PP...keep going out!!
reb