Does your DH complain about having twins?

Ok, so I am curious if everyone goes through this, or if it is just my DH.

Although I love my DH he CONSTANTLY complains about the twins and how much work it is..

After I had the babies, my DH went back to work quickly and I had 10 weeks off before I Went back full time. He felt I should take care of the babies full time during that time period and even slept in the other room at night b/c he had to get up and go to work in the am. It was exhausting, but I did it with a smile ( and i was still recovering from a C-section). I have been back at work full time now for 2 /2 months and he sleeps in the same room with me again, but he ALWAYS complains about having twins and how much work it is. last night i asked him to get up and feed a baby b/c one woke up while I was nursing the other one. He was VERY upset and annoyed about having to get up and get a bottle and then proceeds to make comments while feeding the baby like " having twins sucks".

When he gets home from work, he is completely annoyed that the babies need to eat and be changed and need constant attention..He always says things like- "I am so sick of babies", "I wish we waited".. "I wish we never had them".. "I wish we only had one".. he says he feels trapped and like his life is over b/c he wants to come home from work and just relax, but I need his help, so he can't completely relax.

The other day when he was complaining, I said to him- "They are 4 months old, when are you going to get over it? You are missing spending quality time with them b/c all you do is complain".. no response from DH, he just rolled his eyes.

He seems to enjoy them at times, but isn't up for the full time job it is.. are all dads who work full time like this? (again, I work full time also (50 hours a week) and we are both lawyers, so we are in the same profession)

Advice/Input please!

 

Sorry no advice, just well wishes. My DH and I both work full time and yes he does think it is stressful, but he never says things like "I wish we would have waited". He is wonderful- gets up in the middle of the night with them without me having to ask. I would say the only time he gets testy about helping is when college football is on-- so I just let it slide, we all need some time to ourselves. But he way exceeds the normal dad duties-- he works 4 10 hr days, so on wednesdays he stays home with them all by himself and even "cleans" the house. Granted I have to tidy up a little better, but I couldn't of asked for a better husband. He loves our daughters more than anything. Maybe you should tell your husband that taking care of twins is 2 full time jobs, not just one. You couldn't of had them without him- so he needs to step up.

 

I´m so sorry you´re going through this :hug:

In my experience, yes, all twin dads are overwhelmed. My DH has taken quite a while to come round but he´s much better now. He, too, would complain with the night feeds and he rarely did them. Our two have been sttn for 2-3 months now so we´re lucky. I also think that once yours start sttn 12 hours, things will settle down at home. My DH still finds the weekends hard, when we´re on our own, but he never says he regrets it - he did in the beginning though as it was such a change in our lives.

Once the babies are older, your DH will change. When they´re so small it´s just a constant cycle of feeding, changing nappies and crying and it is tough. When he sees them starting to interact and smiling, he will change his tune. I think most men tend to enjoy their kids more when they´re older so, hang in there, it will get easier for you both.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like your hubby didnt even want kids in the first place. Had you all even talked about having children or when??

I think all PARENTS of twins are overwhelmed..not just dads, although they do take longer to get used to it I guess. I think you really have to at least like kids, and have a desire to have your own; which it doesnt sound like he has. I know my childrens father hasnt done as much as I feel he should but he never made comments like you say your DH has made. He would huff and puff if I woke him up at night, but never rude comments like that.
It really sounds like he expects you to do ALL of the work regarding the children so he wont have to do ANYTHING AT ALL! I felt that way with my ex as well, but his father died when he was 7, and his mother raised all 5 of her children by herself, so I figure that is what he thinks a woman should do. I dont know if there might be a similar situation going on with your hubby..if he thinks women are supposed to do it all... but you should definitely have a talk with him and see where his head is at. Let him know, as a pp said, that you made the babies together, and you are BOTH their parents and need to share the duties involved with them.

(Sorry if this sounds harsh but based on your post, this is what it sounds like)

 

Sorry you are having to put up with your husband's unsupportive and unhelpful comments. I would be furious with mine if he were like that. Fortunately, he isn't. He is and always has been fantastic with the babes - all of them. Having a daughter already prepares you for what babies are like but twins are such hard work but he never has complained. Your guy needs to know that you need his support - not his complaints. My hubby has never complained and is always there for us - he works full time - I am a sahm. I hope he steps up soon and starts getting on board with the family thing.

 

in the heat of things when theyre flipping out he says, i dont want anymore, etc. never said anything about twins cuz hes afraid. hes lucky i dont jump down his throat about not wanting anymore. im the one who does EVERYTHING. when hes home after work he'll help out but i still do most of it.

 

*hugs* so sorry you are dealing with this. Not sure how I would deal with this.

Dianna

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. No, not all working fathers are like this. My DH and I both work as well and it's a complete team effort when we get home. I never would have let him get away with any less, but I also never expected anything else but total cooperation. He's as happy to be a dad as I am to be a mom and he's willing to put in the time. That said of course we are both at times overwhelmed and we both have complained about the constant activity/work from the time we walk in the door until they go to bed. Neither of us would ever say we wish we hadn't had them though - they are our lives now and we are so much better for it. Can you talk to your DH about his resentment sometime when it's not the heat of the moment?

I will say that it will get easier (I know you've heard that one before). At four months no one slept through the night and bedtime was still late or non-existent because they slept so much during the day. Now they go to bed at 8pm so we both have some downtime (housework aside) each night. I miss my babies when I'm up 4 hours after they go to bed and only got to spend 2 hours with them, but it has been great to have some time to relax and spend with DH after the absolute chaos that was the first 6+ months. Hang in there and as another PP said some men don't come around until the babies are "fun" and while unacceptable, it's not too far off for you.

:hug:

 

Well, I hate to be this way, but it might not get better until they are not babies anymore. Both my DH and I work full time. My DH loves our babies, and he does a lot to help, but he does not like the baby stage at all. And multiply that times two with twins. My DH never complains about helping, and a lot of times he does things without even me asking him, but I know he is waiting for the day when they are close to 2 years old, and can communicate some what, and don't cry about everything! (Although I think he is in for a surprise now that we have 2 girls, I don't think it is going to be like it was with our one boy). So, I don't have a lot of advice for you...just letting you know what I'm going through (and my babies are 10 months old).

 

Thank you all for your replies.. to answer one of your questions.. These babies were very planned and we discussed having kids before hand.. he "was" on board.. guess he changed his mind when he saw how much work it was!

 

You know... Dads can have PPD too. I'd have a talk with him and urge him to go see a doctor. We had a lot of arguments in the first 4 months but he never said such things and never regretted it.

 

Hugs Pixiee.

Have you had a chance to talk to him about the comments he's making and how much they hurt? (In addition to talking about the work division ~ sharing of the wealth if you will)

If you haven't, I'd recommend talking to him about it when the comments haven't recently been said and you're both relatively calm. My DH when the girls were about yours age said a couple of times that he "hated his life" That crushed me. Our girls were very much planned and wanted (well, the twins were a surprise, but ykwim!). I tend to reflect a lot before I'll talk to someone about something that's bothering me, trying to find the exact right way to say what I want to without putting the other person on defense. However, the second time he said it, it hurt me so badly, that I called him on it right away. I told him how that made me feel, didn't lay anything on him, but let him know, by saying that, I thought he also hated me, the girls, our animals ~ his life.

He was horrified, he didn't mean it that way at all. Was just venting without thinking and because everyone is so stressed, so tired and so overwhelmed, things get said that maybe shouldn't.

The first year is so hard, and there's such an adjustment for everyone. I know that DH is still surprised (for lack of a better word) that when we go somewhere for a get together, there is no 'down time'. Neither one of us can really just sit and 'visit'

I know that I wouldn't trade my girls for anything, but there is a mourning period of sorts when you realize that you can't 'just run to the store' or anything else. And for some folks, that realization is harder to take than others.

Now, I'm not excusing your husbands behavior (and he definitely needs to pitch in!) but try talking to him calmly and rationally and let him know what your concerns are too. Especially the first year, I know that each of us felt like we were busting our butts putting in 150% and perhaps doing more than the other person. Talking about it really, really helped.

GL!

 

I have yet to complain about how much work twins are…

I don’t have any advice, but I’ll share my perspective on the off chance it helps any.

I understand your husband’s concern about needing to get sleep so he can work. I worry about the same thing and my wife and I are struggling to figure out how to juggle nighttime baby care. She’s on maternity leave and recovering from a cesarean, while I was only able to take one week off when the twins came home. Right now, as we adjust both to having two babies in the house and to me going back to work it is exhausting for both of us, but I can’t fathom complaining about having our boys. For us, we haven’t yet figured out what works best for juggling baby care, and we each might fuss a little about needing to clean or prepare more bottles or even handle other things around the house (what do you mean the cats haven’t been fed all day? How on earth did every receiving blanket end up dirty at the same time?) but the bottom line… if my boys need something I’m there. Tired, cranky, or frustrated, it’s still a joy to spend time with them. Changing, cleaning, feeding, and comforting them might not be as peaceful as having them nap on my chest, but it’s time spent with my sons and I’m glad for every moment I have with them. And I had more than enough sleeping alone during the month my wife spent at the hospital at the end of our pregnancy and during the boy’s NICU stay. The occasional sleeping in the other room is probably inevitable, but I cherish time with my wife too much to want separate sleeping arrangements to be the norm.

 

QUOTE(Fran27 @ Nov 20 2008, 12:24 PM) [snapback]1079089[/snapback]
You know... Dads can have PPD too. I'd have a talk with him and urge him to go see a doctor.


Agreed! As someone who has dealt with PPD (and just the plain old D) it was hearing myself make comments like "I don't want to have kids anymore" that finally motivated me to get into treatment (again) and finally go the medication route.

Whether or not he wanted/wants them, he has them, and he needs to recognize that having his children grow up hearing from their dad that he doesn't want them can only cause stress and problems. Assuming that underneath it all he does love them and want the best for them, he needs to get himself together so he doesn't cause harm.

And no, not all dads are like that. My DH has been incredibly excited about having twins from the day we found out we were having two . . . he thinks it the best! I can't say I always agree with him, so it's great that he can always be so positive. We actually once met another family with B/G twins at a playground and the dad in that family was just gushing about how wonderful it was and how lucky we all are!

But yeah, it's a huge amount of work too.

Rachel

 

Sorry you're going through this. My dh with our first had a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood. He never regretted our decision but it was very overwhelming (and that was with just one.) Now with the twins he's much more seasoned and doesn't have a choice but to help, but he also doesn't want to miss what he missed with our first. Would your dh talk to someone? It sounds like he's having a really tough time and taking it out on you...

 

Along w/ Lorem Ipsum, I have yet to complain about the work of taking care of our 4 week old twins. I won't say I necessarily enjoy waking twice during the night to feed, burp, change and soothe my assigned baby back to sleep, however, I compinsate for the lost 1 hour or so of sleep by trying to go to bed a little earlier than I used to. It's hard to complain about doing laundry when a machine does most of the work. It's hard for me to complain about changing the girls when I know that once they are cleaned up, I get to snuggle for a bit. I work 9 hour days and have since the day after my wife delivered. Lucky enough for me, I am getting the opportunity to start working part time and staying home with the girls 5 days a week. What on earth do I have to complain about? Is it stressful? Sure. Good luck and I hope his attitude changes soon.

Marcus

 

My husband doesn't complain much at all. He comments about how much work it is having twins, but in the same breath he says we're the luckiest people in the world. Of course we have our tough, tough days, but after many months (years!) of infertility, we can't really complain about having our dream come true. I know that sounds cheesie, but it's what I tell myself during the very difficult moments.

 

I'm really sorry he acts that way. He's missing out on such a lot.

I've never really had that with my husband. We both stumble out of bed some mornings exhausted from a crappy night, and in the day time, we never really get a break, but we love it. When we go to bed at night, we have smiles on our faces from spending time with our kids, being amazed at their little quirks, their achievements, their little smiles and the things that make them happy. We went through a stage of thinking that we may never have kids, so every day we spend with them is a gift. We've both been a little overwhelmed, but we just work through it a day at a time. He says to me every day how lucky we are to have them, and its true.

 

Yay! A fellow lawyer!

I can honestly say no. DH is not like that. I have never been up with the babies that he hasn't been up with me. He is great with them. DS is totally going through a phase right now where he wants daddy and only daddy. We all have our moments where we are frustrated and it is hard, where we feel trapped and overwhelmed, but your DH is missing out on them. They get so big so quick! I am always exhausted. DH is always exhausted. Our house is a mess. Our jobs get less attention. We spend no time with just each other. But the reward is two beautiful babies!

I'm sure your DH will work through this in time. It's just sad that he's not enjoying them now.

 

QUOTE(Fran27 @ Nov 20 2008, 10:24 AM) [snapback]1079089[/snapback]
You know... Dads can have PPD too. I'd have a talk with him and urge him to go see a doctor. We had a lot of arguments in the first 4 months but he never said such things and never regretted it.


i was going to mention this as well - i recently read an article about fathers with PPD, and that they now estimate that something like 25% of dads are dealing with it. it was the first thing i thought when reading about your husband's comments - it may be worth looking into. even when planned, having a child is a HUGE life adjustment - and having two is that much more work. as a PP mentioned there is a mourning period for your old, simple life & that's normal. :hug: i hope your husband is able to work through what he's feeling & will soon be able to enjoy being a dad to two beautiful babies.

 

:hug: I'm sorry for the frustration you are going through. My DH was a poop head too about helping routinely or being accountable, esp if I was around at all. I had to start leaving him alone more around the age you are at and it helped. I would just HAVE to go to the store or something so he could see WHY I needed help when we were both home.

I went back to work after three months. It was hard and exhausting. I was like a zombie at work for months. DH went back to work right away and I know he was in even worse shape. My DH was (and still is sometimes) known for saying awful hurtful things in the moments of frustration and sleep deprivation that go along with two babies crying for you for everything. DH has a terrible habit of saying sarcastic things that I am supposedly just supposed to not take seriously, but they are hurtful.

I'm still dealing with his smart mouthed remarks and doing 70% of what the babies need done. I have simply resigned myself and I am thankful for the 30% I (usually) get from him. I have accepted that shopping for babies foods, preparing lunches, doing their laundry, changing sheets, brushing teeth, and feeding most meals is MY job or it won't get done (unless I b!tch at him constantly and make him mad). He does help with daycare drop-off/pick-up, baths, diapering some, feeding occasionally (more now that they are eating what we do) and dressing. But usually it is only for one baby while I am doing the other.

I guess what I'm saying is that YOU have to decide what is more important and what your threshold is for all of it. For me it has been easier to do more and fight less. In doing this I have found that DH doesn't smart off about things and when he does I have reason and room to tell him he has no right to complain.

Oh yeah and it really is heavenly when they STTN and it makes everyone much more pleasant in general.

 

I am sorry you are having a rough time. That is hard to hear your partner say those things. I know when I first had the babies I said some similar things (everyone gasps - I loved my children, but I did not LIKE them), I regretted having twins, the amount of work it was, the crying babies, the sleepless nights, the lack of freedom - I felt like it would never end. But, I have to say that my DH was the one who was positive and kept me going, he has always helped. Every night DH is around he helped with night feeding, and everyday he was around he was just as active with the babies as I was. I think around 4months it started to get better for me, as the crying was less and the smiles were more, then again at around 6months when we were able to get out of the house more with the babies, and then again at around 9months when they started laughing and interacting more with us.
I would try and talk to him, and see if he should see a doctor. I am hoping and guessing he doesn't mean the things he is saying, but is just completely overwhelmed, stressed and possibly depressed.

Big hugs to both of you - this twins journey is the HARDEST thing by far either DH or I have ever done, and its ok to not love every minute of it!

 

My DH has always been an equal partner in terms of helping with all baby duties, but we were both extremely stressed out in the 6-12 week period. DH was so frustrated one night when they were fussing non-stop, I remember him say, "All I do is give, and give, and give to these babies and all they seem to be saying back is F-YOU!" I burst out laughing at him at this point reminding him they were infants and he laughed too. It can be so difficult to handle two babies, especially if they are crying and unhappy. But as others have said, you are BOTH the parents and even if he is one who dislikes the baby stage, well, TOUGH! He made them with you and he is also responsible for taking care of them whether he likes it or not!

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I definitely recommend what other posters have said, to see if he would be willing to be checked for PPD. Having a baby, let alone twins is a HUGE adjustment. I know it was for me, more so then for my DH. We went from two people who really knew nothing about kids to having twins. That felt like riding in a car without brakes! I know I would be upset to hear my DH making those types of comments.
I am very fortunate, DH works full time midnight shift and he is a HUGE help with the babies. He likes to spend time with them in AM, getting them dressed and feeding them breakfast. There is nothing that I do for the babies that he does not do, we are equal partners in child care. I know that there are not many men like that, so I count my lucky stars for him. Without him, I don't think I would be able to raise these twins as well.

I hope your DH turns around in his feelings towards the babies! :hug:

 

I didn't read all the replies but I was thinking that some men (your husband included) just do not like babies.
My DH has his faults but he has been wonderful with our kids right from the very beginning. He has always been extremely helpful and although I am home with them all day, when he comes home he takes over with the kids and helps out any way he can. He has been my equal 100% when it comes to caring for the kids.
On the flip side, my best friend's husband was horrible when her kids were babies. He never helped out, he hated watching them, he complained about anything and everything related to the baby, and my friend basically was the only caregiver when her kids were tiny. Now that her oldest is 3, her husband has changed roles and is extremely hands on with her oldest. He just hated the baby stage and really wanted nothing to do with it. It sounds like that is what your husband is like.
Hopefully as the babies get older he will get more hands on and stop saying nasty things. Until then I would still make him help and tell him to keep the mean comments to himself....I couldn't imagine doing it alone!!!!

 

As for my situation, DH has never really complained. He has commented about it being financially draining. He has also once or twice said, we should have used more BC! But when it comes down to it, I know he loves our little ones and when he says those stupid statements, it's because he is worried about finances. It's tough to pay for things that one baby needs let alone two.

As for helping out, he was a perfect dad! I do my best as a SAHM, to take care of the babies at night when he has to work, but on his days off, he is more than happy to lend a hand. He helps out with making bottles, feeding, changing, bathing, you name it, he helps me do it! We have only spent a couple of nights apart and that was when the babies were really sick and kept waking up. I moved them and I into the living room so he could sleep. He works 10 hour days and drives 70 minutes to work and then home again. That makes for a long day and I want him to get all the rest he can. If I were working, I know he would be helping 50/50! He has even told me that he doesn't like going places on his days off, because he doesn't want to leave me home alone with the babies. I told him I am use to it, since I do it everyday... He said, that's why he doesn't want to do it.

I hope things get better for you. I would definately step back and look to see where the real problem is. I don't know what I would do if DH were being that way with me. I would probably be looking for a different place to live! With my ex, that is exactly what I did. I figured if I was going to be raising my kids on my own, then I was really going to do it on my own... so I did! :hug:

 

WOW, you guys are all awesome!! Thank you all for your responses, you gave me a few good ideas and put things into perspective.. Thanks for sharing your stories too.. its nice to know I am not alone! :holidayhug: