Does everyone "know" when they are "done" having kids?

The short version is DH & I are happily married. Prior to the marriage we both agreed on 2 kids.
Then we had the twins and I *knew* I had to have another baby and experience pregnancy etc again. Dh had finally agreed we could discuss having a 3rd child again once the twins turned 2. Well we found out I was pregnant (without help this time! yay!) when the twins were 13 months old so there was no more discussing the 3rd, the choice was made we were having another baby

Dh now truly feels that our family will be complete. He would like to get a vasectomy and has agreed to wait until after the 3rd baby is born and all is well before doing so.
I being 7 months pregnant and hormonal am SAD that my pregnancy is almost over. I may never be pregnant again. Right now the baby is all mine. Close to my heart. I feel the kicks in the morning, throughout the day and before bed. its safe & warm and I have the all over pregnancy warm fuzzy feeling. Im sad that we aren't having more children BUT Im thankful for the 3 children we will have and for a DH that loves us all etc.

While I love my kids to death Im having a hard time figuring out what it is that makes me feel so sad? Am I going to miss the pregnancy itself or do I truly enjoy the the child raising that much? How many kids would I have to have before I finally said enough is enough? or would I ever? Can anyone else relate to how Im feeling?

I want my DH to be happy too and hes more than happy with 3, since 2 was his limit. I also dont feel right pushing the issue since I cant give a number of kids that I would 100% feel ready to say NO MORE BABIES!

 

For me as soon as my 2nd and 3rd children left the newborn stage I was incredibly sad even though all through my pregnancy I said that three was enough. I think whatever number you choose is going to mean sadness and the end of an era. I have to say now that mine are 2 I'm no longer needing to have another.

 

I understand how you feel 100%!
Since this will be our 3rd too my DH & I have decided that I will be the one that will get my tubes tied since I will be having a c-section.
It's hard but, I know it's the best thing.

 

I totally know how you feel. If I told DH this he would think I was beyond crazy, two was also his limit. But when we found out we were expecting #3 when the babies were 5 months old he was excited and on board. Although I think he may have felt like he needed to take a very long nap! I'm not crazy about the pregnancy part like I thought I'd be. With the twins it was my first pregnancy and filled with so much worry and let's face it, carrying twins is so different than carrying one. I find myself worrying a lot now too, but maybe once I start to feel the baby move regularly in a few weeks I'll enjoy it more and worry less. Then again, maybe that's just how I am during pregnancy.

One thing is for sure though, I love being a mommy and part of me is also sad that this is the last time I'll ever do this. I don't think I feel that way because I see myself with more than three children, I think I feel that way because that's how moms feel. Once they're out of our bellies they grow so quickly and just about the time you're used to one stage, they've grown or changed and they're on to something new. I agree with the pp, there is a sadness and also a sweetness to the end of each stage in our childrens' lives. So you are not alone - it sounds like you too just love being a mommy!

 

I'm right there with you - originally, DH only wanted one more (he has a DS from before) - he figured that was perfect - "one apiece" - we were even. I convinced him that Drew really needed a playmate his age, so DH agreed to one more. Then we had the twins. There was no chance I was going to be able to convince him for more.

I have been feeling like you - my whole pregnancy, I loved it, but knowing it was my last, made me sad. I loved being pregnant. Also, often as the twins grow, I get sad, thinking I'll never have newborns again, or I'll never have 2-month-olds again, etc. I think it is really hard to make that decision and know that you are "cut-off". It would be nice if we could somehow be more open to it, so that maybe we'd be blessed with more in the future. In truth, that's why I didn't get my tubes tied - as awful as it sounds, if something happens to DH tomorrow, I can't promise that if I met someone else, we wouldn't want more kids together.

I just love them!! I love all of it!! It is so hard, but they are so wonderful, and warm my heart so much!

Practically, I know that 4 is really plenty and any more will just make it harder and harder for us to be able to support them in doing everything they want to, whether it's sports, music, dance, whatever.

 

We are still undecided. This third one was a negotiation, but I really don't want to get my tubes tied after her, b/c I'm just going to be 25 this year...I don't want to decide for sure, 100%, without a doubt, that we are done just yet. I'd ideally like to wait 5 years and see...if I don't want anymore by then, then we will tie the tubes...but my hubby isn't necessarily wanting another one...but he isn't against waiting and seeing either. I just don't want to have another one if its only me that is really on board.

 

I completely understand how you feel. When we had our first 3 girls none of them were planned, I mean we obviously knew it could happen but we weren't trying. After the twins were born DH said he was DONE! I was really sad because I loved being pregnant and the baby stages. With them being twins my pregnancy ended early, my DD didn't get to come and meet them at the hospital like I'd planned, I wasn't able to breastfeed and the baby age went by so fast because I was so busy taking care of twins, pumping and taking care of my 3 year old. I never felt done and kept telling DH I wanted one more after the twins were 5, but he still said no way. I felt extreme sadness seeing other pregnant women and babies even though I knew I was lucky to have my 3. I also didn't want DH to be unhappy or force another child on him especially since at the time he hated his job.

Well about 2 years ago DH landed his dream job as a lineman apprentice and things started getting better for us, but he still said no more. I had tried various forms of birth control all of which caused me very uncomfortable medical problems so I just told DH I was done using them so he would either have to get snipped or cover up. May be too much info. but he decided he was okay with usiing the pull out method even though we got twins that way, so he wasn't to surprised when I told him #4 was on the way about 3 months later. We were both actually in shock at first, but now we are both really excited and would have been no matter what the gender was, but now that we know it's a boy I think DH is even more excited. I'm sure I may change my mind when my little guy is born and growing up so fast, but for right now I truly feel like our family will be complete when he arrives. Even if I don't there will be no more unless a miracle happens because I've agreed to having my tubes tied during my c-section. My DH is really freaked out by the idea of getting snipped and since I got my #4 I figure it's an even trade. LOL

Honestly though I think most moms will feel a twinge of sadness upon seeing other pregnant woman, babies after theirs are past certain stages. It is just so hard having your kids grown up and not rely on you as much, at least for me. I told DH after my kids are grown we will have to move close to a hospital with a NICU so I can volunteer as a baby rocker. LOL

 

I think some women do know.

After this baby is born we are both going in for the snip snip!

 

I think your situation is pretty common. Most husbands I know don't want many kids...gee, what does that say about our male population? I'm trying to think positive (like they want to provide the best, etc., etc.) but honestly, a lot of these same friends also complain their dh's hardly lift a finger to help with the kids. In one case, I advised my friend that she needs to be prepared, that if she has another one without her dh 100% on board that she better be ready to do everything for that baby on her own without complaining. If he doesn't help with the 2 they have, there's no way he's going to help with a third.

Anyway, I sort of have the opposite situation. My dh would probably be content to have as many kids as I wanted or as God allowed... or as many as our marriage could stand... I'm terrified of that situation, and have longed for that 'knowing' that we're done. I feel pretty close to that right now, but honestly I don't that I will ever NOT feel a twinge of sadness as the years go by and the last baby gets older. Does any mother ever not feel a little sad? Won't Michelle Duggar even feel sad when her youngest turns 10...even if she's 60 when that happens? I think it is a normal thing. I do think we make it harder on ourselves though by making hasty decisions about it. I think it's a really bad idea for anyone to do anything permanently about it until the baby is a year old. If you are going to get the baby urge again it usually happens around then. And if that makes you postpone the decision a little longer what is the harm in that? It's better to keep your options open and make the decision with a good feeling about it rather than to rush into it and regret it later. My dad went out and got snipped when my twin and I were just 3 months old. Granted they had 4 kids, and my mom almost died after having us, but emotionally that was excruciating on my mom. I think if he would've waited and done it when we were a little older she would've at least felt better about it. She's looked back on that with regret forever, but I think if he would've waited they still would've done it...the difference would've been that she would've been emotionally on-board with it.

 

I don't know Susanna, I was relieved when my girls made it to one. I was relieve when I threw out the bottles! Good Riddence! I was relieved when we no longer had to carry a diaper bag. I was relieved when we were no longer tied to a stroller. And I jumped for joy last year when they started running ahead of me on walks and I no longer felt like they were dragging behind. I know other mothers who feel the same. And while I am looking forward to baby giggles, I will be toasting each milestone and excited to get through and be done with all that work again.

 

I think it depends on the moms personality and how involved she was in other things before baby. For me having pretty much been a SAHM since getting married at a young age it is hard to see them being so independent because it makes me feel kind of useless. I didn't have a career or a big social life before having kids so they kind of are my whole world. Plus even though a lot of my mom friends think I'm crazy I honestly don't mind not being able to just pick up and go and I absolutely love every part of having a baby, even changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night, LOVE it! After this little guy grows up I wouldn't be surprised if I end up babysitting because I like it so much.
I also know a lot of awesome moms who can't wait until their babies get older and more independent, both of my sisters are kind of like that, but they both have jobs they love and lots of friends they like to go and socialize with. So like I said I think it totally depends on personality an lifestyle and either way is fine and normal.

 

Well for us we are trusting God with the size of our family. And I am believing He will give us peace when our family is complete. God gives us the name of our child-to-be ahead of time even before I am pregnant. So as of right now we have one more name. I see that child as much a part of our family as the ones living with us right now. Now I know I won't be having a whole lot more babies, because I've had two c-sections and the recoveries have been hard. This is how it is working for us, my husband and I are in agreement and I think that is what matters most.

 

I think this may be a BIG part of it for me, but I didn't realize it until I just read your post :huh:
Before I was a mom I was an air traffic controller and also a college graduate. But neither of those things made me feel great, nor do they cause me any passion. Since Ive become a mom, Ive found so many things that Im 100% passionate about and it has changed my life in a way I could have never imagined. I think I finally found something I LOVE whole heartedly and perhaps I feel sad because I havent found anything else that makes me feel the same way. While I was a good ATCer and I was a good college student it didn't matter that I was good at them because I wasn't passionate about them...hrmmm... I have more to think about

 

I asked the same question after the twins were born. I was pretty sure we weren't done having kids then I had to have two hernias repaired...I thought that would be the determing factor but I got stitches instead of mesh so my belly would give. Then about 5 months after that I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and became very sick...I thought that was it but read research that many women go on to have healthy babies despite the disease. Now 17 weeks preggo with our 3rd I thought DH would be done. I told him that I can not get back on birth control because of the Crohn's so I will either have to get my tubes tied or he will have to get snipped. He has voiced many concerns with that procedure so I am left to get tied. I told him that he would have to decide if we were done once the baby is born. I thought I would get an immediate, "oh we are done!" but he has surprised me I think he would not mind having 4!

I think four would be ideal and depending on how this goes would love to be pregnant again. I really enjoy having a big ol' belly knowing there is a life inside that we will raise and teach.

In sum, I think there are many factors that determine when you are done some more permanent than others. Ultimately is should be a decision that you and your husband agree upon. Children are a blessing but raising them can be stressful.

Just my 2 cents,
Lindia

 

With us we always said we wanted 4 so when the twins were 2 we went thru IVF again hoping for twins again. Well, we got one on the way and a frozen embryo. We have decided that we will go thru a frozen transfer when the new baby is done nursing and if it doesn't work we will discuss if three is it or if we are going thru IVF again. I think when you know you know. And also you have to be in agreement with your spouse because pregnancy and raising kids is hard enough (especially when pregnant) that everyone has to be on board.

 

This is the question of the century for me!!! I have 5 kids and lots of frozen embryos. We agreed that we would try one more time this year and if it worked it was great and if not that was it. well it worked but I miscarried. Now I want to do it one more time. DH is worried that the freezing process is why I miscarried and feels like I will have problems no matter how many times we try he is afraid that even if I do have a full term pregnancy the baby will have problems due to the whole freezing process. This makes me SO sad because I know so many families that have had babies through FET that are 100% perfect so I know his whole frozen theory is just not true. I want one more and I am hoping that darn stork will be back - he almost killed me when he left.

 

Well, I can only hope I'll "know" when the time comes. A girlfriend of mine (mom of two singletons) recently said after a baby shower that she knew she was done. She enjoyed being at the shower, but the excitement over all the little bitty baby things just wasn't there like it once was. Like Melissa said, she was glad to throw out the bottles, give away the baby things to others. For me at this point, I'm still hoarding EVERYTHING!!! :lol: So I'm not there yet.... I say give yourself a year or two after this one's born and maybe by then you'll "know."