Does DH help at night?

So since I'll be a stay at home mom for the first year or so my fiance expects me to do everything for the boys at night by myself. Even having him change one diaper in the morning 10 min before he has to wake is like pulling teeth and starts a fight. I argue that even moms that aren't going to be a stay at home mom get a few weeks off after having a baby usually and a lot of the time still get help from their husbands.
I do the nights by myself regardless but just need help with a diaper if I'm bfing one and the other gets fussy early in the morning (after 5am usually).
I plan on showing the results of this thread whatever the outcome is to him.

So do you get help at night?

Also how do you take care of them? For instance when one wakes up I hurry to get him changed and breastfed before the other wakes up and gets fussy, then I do the other. My fiance thinks that I should change both at the same time no matter what and then fed them one at a time, but then one of them is crying to be fed for 10-20mins. Another thing is that the bigger one always wakes up first and breastfeeds better and stays awake and fuller, dh thinks that I play favorites with them because one usually gets done first and I end up bottle beading my breast milk to the smaller one to make sure he eats more. This makes me really defensive because I do not play favorites with them, just found out what seems to work best for us!

This caused a huge fight between us and any input on how you and your dh do things would be a huge help.

Sorry this is so long but our families really aren't of much help as they have never had to take care of twinfants ever, so their advice doesn't have the actual practice behind it.

 

Your post really upset me. You didnt get the twins by yourself, you cant be expected to take care of them yourself. you're not a single parent! My husband would never want to see me struggle, nor would he want one of our kids to be hungry or wet or need something when hes there and can help them. He does whatever he can to help me and the babies. Its alot of work even for BOTH of us, when we are BOTH working very hard TOGETHER to handle 2 babies.
Its basically like each of you has 1 baby ALL THE TIME. Even SAHMs deserve "time off" and breaks, and you'll need it.

I didnt start getting up with the twins alone until they were around 4 months old. Once I was getting enough sleep and I could get up with both of them I did but not before. Mommys need sleep too. Taking care of twins is 99% harder then most other jobs. If you are exhausted from taking care of them alone all night, how are you supposed to be a good mother to them during the day? How are you supposed to take proper care of yourself? you have to take care of YOU to take care of them

Now that the babies are 9 monts old, on the weekends DH gets up one morning while I get to sleep in, and I get up the other morning so he can sleep in. I worked full time until they were 8 months old. Now I only work 2 days a week and when my husband comes home from work on those 2 days he immediately gives me a break! Im sure your spouse gets breaks at work, and a lunch etc. whens your break?

good luck, and if he wont help you -- think about family, friends, church, a teenager, or hired help. no one should have to do it alone!

 

Hi there,

I will be resigning from my job soon, so I will be a SAHM. I'm currently still on maternity leave.

Yes, my husband gets up at night to help take care of the babies. We each have an assigned baby, and feed them during the night when they wake up. I usually take DS because he is fussier and a bit higher maintenance. This allows my DH a little bit of a mental break from him (DS is a bit of a screamer). After the 3/4 am feed, then DH goes to bed for the rest of the night and I take over. He goes to work at 10, so that gives him a period of time with uninterrupted sleep. My DH doesn't stop to help with the babies in the morning, unless it's an emergency. But he is tired from staying up part of the night, so he sleeps as long as possible and then runs out the door at the last minute.

I'm sure everyone is different, but there is no way I would change them at the same time. Having one crying/screaming baby who can't be fed for 20 minutes is too stressful for everyone (except maybe for your fiance, who is sleeping through the night....). I often try to stagger their feeding when I am alone to minimize crying spells. I usually feed my DS first because of his personality. He is impatient and prone to meltdowns. My DD is willing to wait a bit longer to eat and have her needs met. You aren't playing favorites, you are just doing what works best. Every situation is a bit different, but trust your good judgment.

I hope your fiance is willing to be a team player and take care of your babies along with you. Perhaps you can come up with some kind of shift schedule at night.

b/g twins-12 weeks

 

My DH Helped for the first 3 months. Then i told him i would handle it . But if i needed him too he would get up. Like PP we each had an assigned baby at night. He would get up and do whatever was needed for that baby and still go to work in the morning.

Your DH needs to "wake up and amell the coffee" Because there are two babies and even SAHM's need help sometimes. You work 24/7 and never get to leave your job. You need a break too. I think you do more than enough.. At least he could do is change a diaper while you are BFing.

ETA: Im sorry if i sound b*tchy.. But it really irks me.

 

my husband got up to help with all the night feedings/changings for probably the first 10 weeks (he was working full time - it was tough, but he did it). as a PP mentioned, now that they get up less often & i'm getting decent sleep, i do night times on my own. i'm also nursing exclusively now so there's less for him to do - in the early days they got EBM w/ formula because my supply was low.

i'm not really sure why being a SAHM makes you automatically solely responsible for the babies - even if you just had one, i would hope that your fiance would be willing to help you out at night if you needed it.

if it's a sleep issue, maybe you guys could do shifts? he could do the feedings/changings from bedtime - midnight, for example, and you could take over from midnight - wake up. then you'd each get a decent stretch of sleep.

 

While I was at home on leave, DH and I did shifts and will continue to. I can sleep between feedings, but DH has a harder time falling back asleep inbetween. When DH got home from work I would go to bed until 11 or midnight and then get up and I would do the night shift. There were times when they were both melting down at the same time, and either of us always had the option of asking for help w/o the other getting mad. It just happens that way sometimes. I can imagine that BFing makes that even more challenging. Hopefully you and DF can work out a system that works for both of you soon!

 

:hug: Kimani!!

Whenever my DH was home at night (he's a paramedic/firefighter and works 48+ hour shifts) he would ALWAYS get up and help me even though he had to be up at 5am to drive to work. When my girls first came home we would both get up and divide and conquer. Once they got to be a little older we would take shifts, and he would get up with the babies until 1am and I would take them from 1am on. It worked out well for us.

I hope that you guys are able to work out a system that works for both of you. Just because you are a SAHM does not mean that you are the only one that has to take care of them. It should be a team effort. Good luck!

 

dh sleeps like a rock and i have to nudge him for 5 min before he even stirs, so i only wake him if i have to cuz its a pain. on the weekends and when he has extra days off i do wake him up and tell him to go warm a bottle, give a paci, etc. otherwise i do everything at night alone. it sucks but its also a pain to wake him. he was gone the first 2 months of their lives so i did that alone too.

 

*hugs* The first person who responded hit it on the head! You are not a single parent. You two have twins together!! A family. When the boys were little and waking through the night my husband would get up and feed one(bottle fed) , just goes more smoothly and there is less crying. Now what we do is I tend to go to bed around 8pm, some nights I am wild and crazy and go to bed around 9pm LOL If either or both babies wakes up before he goes to bed, normally around midnight/1am he takes care of them. If they wake up after that I get them. But if they were to wake up and be really upset and I needed help, he would get up. He really needs to be a father to these babies, that means helping take care of them, even if it is not always what he wants to do. None of us want to be up in the middle of the night or to have to wake up before the alarm goes off...but that is part of being a parent. Big hugs to you. I do hope he wakes up and sees it is not husband like or manly to sit back and do nothing.

Dianna

 

My DH changed every middle-of-the-night diaper except one (he slept through it) until they quit pooping at night. That was probably the first 6 or so weeks. I was bfing, so he couldn't make up a bottle or anything. He would change the baby and bring her to me to nurse so I didn't have to get out of bed. I can't tell you what a difference this made for me. (And, yes, he continued to work FT AND he was 40, so he was tired!) Even after that he'd always bring me the babies at night when they needed to nurse.

During the day he helped with baths until summer (about 6 months), to be sure each one could be dressed and warm as quickly as possible.

He took over cooking for the rest of the family. He is STILL doing most of the cooking (he's so much better at it) and my girls will be 6 next month.

And in general, if I asked for help, I got it.

eta: When they were very small we both went to bed around 8:30 p.m. It was just necesssary.

 

Kimani-

My DH did every single night feeding by himself. I slept from 8PM- 4AM and got up at 4AM but between those times and all of the time when he was home.. he did all of it. He did baths made bottles.. all of it.

I don't think the man has ANY excuse not to help. Good luck!

 

I am a SAHM, and yes, my husband gets up EVERY night with the babies- and has since we brought them home from the hospital. Not only does he get up and take care of one of the babies at night, he changes them WHENEVER I am busy, fills the diapers and wipes, checks the diaper genie and cleans and fills bottles- ALL BEFORE HE GOES TO WORK EACH DAY. Yes, he works outside the home and is tired when he gets home- but I work as hard here at home, and I am tired too in the evening. The only way it works for us is if we both pitch in and do whatever it takes. Every night he helps feed one of them dinner, changes one of them into pj's (if not both of them- as I am busy fixing our dinner) and feeds them their bottle and puts them to bed. Then, I do the same with the other one (one of ours goes down about two hours before the other one does at night).
To answer your other question- I always changed and fed one at a time when they were smaller. If one cried, they cried. With just me at home, that is how it had to be. I also agree with you- that doing what works for you is NOT playing favorites. You are taking care of those babies the best way you can and that is what you should do! Hugs to you- you are doing great. I hope when you fiance reviews these posts- he realizes being a parent requires selflessness and hard work and begins to really help you out! He is their father after all!
Oh- and now, on weekends, I sleep in EVERY Sat. and my husband cares for both babies until I get up- and then he gets to sleep in on Sundays. It works great for us!

 

I did all of the night feedings. If one woke, I woke the other, changed diapers, and fed them both at the same time.

 

In the very beginning, I was up with them at night, and if things got crazy my DH would get up, but about 3 weeks into it we worked out a shift deal.

We would put them down to sleep at like midnight, and I would get up with the babies in the night. Since their latches were bad, I would feed them bottles of expressed breastmilk. This worked well because, if things got crazy, I could feed both of them at the same time. Then, I would go pump, and go back to bed. My DH would take over around 5-6AM, and I slept until 9 or 10 AM.

We were both home until 3 months, but now, my DH is a work at home dad, and I have to go to work 2 days a week, so we've just kept a semblance of this schedule. After the first couple weeks, it just never made sense to me for both of us to be up (unless there's a meltdown). I would get to sleep from about 5 AM-10AM, and my DH would get to sleep from like 12-5 AM (and sometimes we take naps).

It really does get easier, but he needs to figure out where (not if) he is going to contribute.

 

While I was on maternity leave, I had grand plans on being able to handle both of them at night and let DH sleep since he was still working. That didn't even make it through the 1st night. Both kids seemed to always be up at the same time and I couldn't stand listening to one cry while I fed the other one. We would each take a baby every night and get up with them. I could not have done it on my own. We were a team when the kids were little and waking at night and we continue to operate as a team in caring for the babies.

 

Kimani :hug: to you! The first person who replied said it right: You did not make these babies alone. Just because you are SAHM does not mean that you are on call (as it were) 24/7. My DH works the night shift, so probably after 6 weeks I was on my own at nights. Prior to that, DH was off work for a couple of weeks, my Mom was around, my best friend had stayed over and so did my cousin. But when DH was off at nights, his thought was to let me sleep through and he take care of the babies. On the nights he worked, he let me sleep in and he took care of the babies in the morning.
I hope that he will come around to understanding your POV and you both can find a schedule that works for you both.

 

I am not a SAHM, but if I were I'm sure this would have worked exactly the same. My DH definitely does his fair share of parenting duties.

We took shifts. I exclusively pumped, so I'd pump and go to bed around 7pm, and he did everything while I slept. He'd wake me around midnight to pump, and he'd change/feed them around 12:30-1:00am, then anything after that was my shift. I am a morning person, he's a night owl, this worked great for us during the time they were waking at night to feed.

Once they started STTN around 4 months, if someone did wake up during the night, whoever hears them first gets up. I think our sleep patterns are different because there are times he snoozes right through it and there are times that I do. But all in all, I think we get up evenly.

 

QUOTE(Kimani @ Nov 18 2008, 07:31 AM) [snapback]1074939[/snapback]
So since I'll be a stay at home mom for the first year or so my fiance expects me to do everything for the boys at night by myself. Even having him change one diaper in the morning 10 min before he has to wake is like pulling teeth and starts a fight. I argue that even moms that aren't going to be a stay at home mom get a few weeks off after having a baby usually and a lot of the time still get help from their husbands.
I do the nights by myself regardless but just need help with a diaper if I'm bfing one and the other gets fussy early in the morning (after 5am usually).
I plan on showing the results of this thread whatever the outcome is to him.

So do you get help at night?

Also how do you take care of them? For instance when one wakes up I hurry to get him changed and breastfed before the other wakes up and gets fussy, then I do the other. My fiance thinks that I should change both at the same time no matter what and then fed them one at a time, but then one of them is crying to be fed for 10-20mins. Another thing is that the bigger one always wakes up first and breastfeeds better and stays awake and fuller, dh thinks that I play favorites with them because one usually gets done first and I end up bottle beading my breast milk to the smaller one to make sure he eats more. This makes me really defensive because I do not play favorites with them, just found out what seems to work best for us!

This caused a huge fight between us and any input on how you and your dh do things would be a huge help.

Sorry this is so long but our families really aren't of much help as they have never had to take care of twinfants ever, so their advice doesn't have the actual practice behind it.


Im sorry you are going through this but I can relate to what you´re going through.

The attitude your fiance has taken is very selfish and my DH was a bit like that too in the beginning. He did help with things the first few days (he took 3 days off work) but only during the day. At nights I was alone and on some days, I didnt get any sleep. I was a walking zombie. If it hadn´t been for my mum, dad & then MIL helping, I´d have thrown myself out of the window. As we had help for the first few weeks, DH saw that as an excuse to continue life as we had before we had the twins. He didnt go out but he wasnt prepared to give up his gym time after work.

I suggest you get some help in be it paid or family/friends, if you can afford to. We dont have family where we live and I have a girl who helps every afternoon except weekends and it gives me a much-needed break.

I basically did what you did. Dealt with one then with the other. If pos, I staggered the feeds during the day so they wouldnt wake together at night. At times it was impossible as they´d both wake together and I had to juggle things. When I did call DH during the night, in desperation, he would help but not willingly. I spent a lot of time in tears as I was so exhausted and drained. DH did offer to look after the twins himself one night but I knew it would end up with me helping. Maybe I should have accepted so he could have seen what it was like. At 5-6 weeks of the twins being born, we each took a baby at night. I took DS as DD was calmer and slept longer. We went through rough seas in that week, but then I went to the ILs for 7 weeks in the summer where MIL helped by taking one baby at night. DH stayed at our home as he was working (we were in different cities) but he came to see us regularly.

I think its unfair for your fiance to accuse you of having a favourite. You have to do what works for you, especially at night, so don´t let that put you off. You´re doing a GREAT job so dont ever doubt yourself

On a positive and encouraging note, I have to say now that DH is MUCH better. It´s taken a long time for him to come round to having not just one baby but two in the house. We have a routine now which invloves me getting up and feeding DS at 7am. He then feeds & changes DD as she wakes later, around 8-8.30am. He´s even accepted that he wont always get his lunchtime siesta as a feed has to be done and now he doesnt complain. I think he started to come round after having to spend weekends with me and the twins alone and he had no choice but to get involved. You´ll soon see that your fiance will come round too. He may just need some confidence with the babies - some men are very afraid around babies and they cant, initially, handle the crying. My DH is getting much better now with the crying and handles it much better. There are still things that niggle me, but I keep quiet as he´s improved and needs my encouragement. As the PP says, it´s team work and you need to work together.

I will say, work together and communicate as much as possible. The first few weeks/months are horrible but you will get through it. We were/are very lucky as we have help. MIL has also been a godsend and we´ve even managed to get out for dinner and have a night away together (she´s crazy about her grandkids and even insists on sleeping with them too to give me a break!). Once your babies start going longer stretches at night and then sttn, things will improve a lot for you.

I hope you can sort things out with your fiance. Having one baby is tough on a relationship so having two, especially when they´re the first kids, is even harder.

Take care and KUP. :hug:

 

My husband gets up all night every night with me. I stay in bed. He gets the babies and hands them to me to feed. He goes back to sleep next to me on the bed while I am nursing them. I tap him to wake him up and he jumps up and puts them back in their cribs. If they need a diaper, he does that too. Sometimes I am not sure who has the toughest job to tell you the truth. But, in the end, we have it down to a science and the nights are generally not too bad. The only time they are difficult (last night was one of those rare nights) is when they stay awake for some reason in the night.

Because we work together in this way, it is easy on both us and ,MOST IMPORTANTLY, the babies. Now that we are parents we need to put ourselves behind the babies. It is about them now. Of course it is hard when you are over tired but maybe he needs to try and think this way....

 

My husband helps a lot. I nursed in the beginning and he did one bottle feeding by himself in the middle of the night until they started skipping it. He still gets up to give a binky if they need it and he gets up with them in the morning and does the first bottle of the day for me, even on the weekends. It's exhausting being alone with twins all day. I realize that he has to go to work all day, but I'm alone with them all day and need my rest too. It's different now that they sleep through the night, but it's still exhausting. The beginning was so hard. I don't know what I would have done without him or my mom. You need all the help you can get.

 

I did the nighttime stuff (between 11pm-5am) - I bf and it was just easier for me to do it by myself - and my DH, honestly, did EVERYTHING else. He cooked ALL meals, cleaned the entire house every weekend as well as light cleaning throughout the week, did all of the grocery shopping, yardwork, did EVERYONE'S laundry, washed all dishes/loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, prepared meals for our older DS, bathed him, kept him entertained, got him ready for bed, brushed teeth, read stories, etc. then woke him up the next morning and took him to a babysitter's house 2-3xweek so that he (DS) could play with kids his age, then picked him up from his babysitter's after he got off work and started the entire evening/night routine again. Then I would nap while the babies napped during the day as well as sleep between feedings at night. He would take our DS upstairs to play/bathe/read around 7pm b/c I would go to bed as the babies often slept from 7-10pm.

My DH would have helped any time, if I had asked him to, during the night. And there were a few nights I needed help and he jumped right up and helped out. This is what worked for us. But it only worked b/c he took on EVERY OTHER responsibility of the house. I, seriously, did nothing else but take care of the babies and I helped out with our 4-year-old.

I think it is so important to find a system that works for you - where each parent is giving their ALL in whatever manner works best for your family.

 

I worked from home the 1st year with the twins, i did everything then and I am still doing everything. Some men jsut dont know the difference between a father and a parent. Mine is one of them

 

When our kids were born my husband worked 14 hours a day. He got home around 10:30 every night and was usually exhausted, but he woke up for feedings and diaper changes if I needed him. Not boasting in the least because initially he was able but not always willing. Later it just became a habit for him to help out every night. It wasn't easy for him and it did create a fair amount of bickering. But that was all about the lack of sleep and not about what was being done.

A lot of guys (not all, just many ) need to do some serious growing up once their babies arrive. They are not toys which can be turned on and off and neither can they be reasoned with to suit your needs. It's always better when they accept that having two babies is not like having a cat. It's a lot of work and it's very draining. If they think one person can do it alone 24/7, they need to spend one weekend alone with two babies and prove that they can do it without collapsing in exhaustion..... plus all the housework of course... which includes laundry, cleaning bathrooms, changing sheets, dusting, sweeping, moping, dishes, cooking, clearing up, taking out the trash.

Do whatever works for you, but it wouldn't hurt to try out something he suggests either. You never know, it may work, or work better than what you're doing. If it doesn't then no harm done.

Good luck... you both will make it through this year and maybe years from now even laugh at how you both argued. My DH and I certainly do. Hang in there!

 

After dh's 'leave' was up (three weeks) he's only get up when BOTH the twins were up at the same time. He 'claims' that what matters is that just because I was the only one getting up, it doesn't mean that he isn't losing sleep.

 

Interesting how your fiance thinks you are playing favorites - I don't see it that way at all, you BF the bigger one because he/she breastfeeds easier, the you give bottle of ebm to the other baby to make sure they are taking in adequate fluids - makes sense to me. And, there is NO way I would have woken both babies at night at the same time just so that they were changed at the same time, as you would end up with a baby screaming waiting to be fed!!
WE always fed the babies at the same time - if one woke up to eat, we fed them both at that time.
Having said that - I had help for nearly every feeding from day one, DH helped for every feeding for the first 2.5months, then we hired a lady to feed the babies one bottle/night up until the babies were like 5months old!! I did bf, except for one formula feed at night - that either DH did, or the lady we hired.
But, for every other night feeding we did it together, DH got the baby, changed them, and brought them to me, then slept next to me while the babies bf, and once they were done, I would nudge him and he would take the babies back to bed. There were also a few times that we broke the night up into shifts, I would go to bed at like 7pm to midnight, and then I would let him sleep in, in the mornings.
I would say that your DH needs to be an active participant in this parenting journey. The first 3-4months with twins is excruciatingly hard!!! The lack of sleep alone is enough to drive a person crazy, please get some help, if DH is not prepared to do it, then hire someone, get a local teen, a friend, a coworker, family, anywhere you can get the help please take it. It does get easier and better once they start sleeping longer stretches!

Good Luck! : )

 

DH didn't ever really get up with the twins. They are EBF, and it has just been easier for me to take care of them at night. BUT, our older two still wake up occasionally at night (more just after the girls were born, not as much now), and since the twins have been born his job has been to take care of their needs, change the sheets when they wet the bed, get them water, etc. So while he's not necessarily helping with the twins, he is an active and involved parent.

 

Thank you all for the replies!
After reading this after having only 2 hours of sleep I started crying. Seems like some men are just stuck in 1950. I still have to do all the household things and stay up with two infants all night by myself. Well now that my son is off to school I'm going to try sleeping now. Housework will just have to wait.

 

My husband helped a lot. We probably did half each, and we'd usually get up together to feed them (alternating babies - I think it's important, so they bond equally to each of us), that way we'd both be back in bed after 30 minutes. Sometimes if one of us was up/couldn't sleep/couldn't wake up the other we'd feed both though. We usually feed the most fussy first... and honestly it hasn't always been the same one (we do that during the day too, but if they both fuss I feed the one that eats faster first).

I think I'd smack your dh a good one. Next time he thinks you're playing favorite he should get up and feed the other baby himself, then they'd be fed at the same time and you could switch babies.

 

Kimani :hug: Those first weeks are the craziest. I found that it was easier for me to wake the other and feed him/her or change them anytime the other one did ANYthing first! They ended working themselves into such a schedule with themselves that even today at THREE years old they still poop at the same time! :lol:

My Dh helped out during for maybe the first week but I told him to stop. He works a LOT. I was going to be up anyway b/c as soon as I heard them cry I couldnt go back to sleep. And I just *knew* when he did get up with them, he was in there not doing something right. He would let me sleep in on the weekends sometimes and get up with them in the morning and that worked out for us. Thats not to say that even in my own designed plan, I wasnt ready to smother his snoring butt just for being asleep sometimes!

It gets better, and the fog lifts eventually. I promise.

 

So many replies, and I have not much to add.

DH and I worked out a system in which each one of us did one nighttime feeding alone. Mine came home on a strict 3 hour schedule. We both fed them at 9PM, I fed them at midnight, he fed them at 3AM, then by 6AM he was getting ready for work and I was on my own for the whole day.

This was recommended to us by one of the Drs. at the NICU when we were getting ready to come home. Rather than have us both get up every time and neither one of us ever get a decent stretch of sleep, this way DH could sleep straight through from about 10 -3, and I would sleep from 1-6. We were both exhausted, but it was doable.

Eventually when the twins started sleeping for longer stretches I started doing most night time feedings alone during the week, but DH always helped on weekends.

At one point when my mom was visiting she was amazed by how involved DH was. She said "it's like they have two mothers", which pretty much says it all.

Rachel

 

When I had my dd, I never needed dh's help so it wasn't a big deeal. He ALWAYS offered though, always!!!!

With DS, he was colicky for 6-7 months and we shared the time being up. He would do the earlier night and I would do the midnight to 3am shift so he could sleep since he had work in the morning. (I had to get up with dd too).

Witht he twins, I would BF one/or tandem (depending on the night) and he wo uld change diapers. I was awake for an hour, he was awake for 10 minutes changing diapers. It was amazing how much that 10 minutes helped. I never had to actually get out of bed.

I tried to n ot wake him if I didn't need the help but in the beginning it was really helpful to have him help out. He NEVER complained about it.

I really think your dh needs a reality check. :hug: to you!!! :hug:

 

My husband took 3 weeks off work. At that time we tried to take turns with feedings or take different nights. But we each always did it by ourselves. We experimented, but it was all hard, and I never really slept even when it wasn't my "turn". We had them on a three hour feeding schedule. So at first we'd wake one, change and feed them, put them back down and then would wake the other. After a week or two they started waking on their own, so we'd start with that one and hoped that the second one would sleep until we were finished. I usually jumped up at the first cry, grabbed the baby and ran out of the room to do the changing/feeding downstairs to try not to wake the other one yet. Around 5-6 weeks I figured out how we could feed them simultaneously and save time. When one would wake, I'd change them put them in a boppy pillow and prop the bottle with a blanket. Then I'd wake the other, change them and put them in a second boppy next to the first and would hold both bottles. I'd reprop a bottle when I needed to burp a baby. But I know you are breastfeeding, which is totally different. You have to do what works for you, whatever helps keep you sane and get the most sleep. Even if the two of you have a different way of what works best, do what works for YOU and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong.

But things got tougher for us around the 4-5 week mark too. My husband went back to work, I went into it thinking I would do all the night feedings after 11pm. Meaning I needed to get my butt in bed at 7 if I wanted any sleep. But that never happened. My husband was fine handling them by himself within this time, but I could always hear them no matter where I was. And I'd watch the clock waiting for 11pm, knowing once it hit I'd be up the rest of the night. Definitely anxiety issues on my part. This was the time the babies would not go back to sleep nicely between feedings and woke up way more often than every 3 hours. And I was never able to fall asleep quickly, I'd lie in bed praying "don't wake up, don't wake up". I don't think I made it through the first week with him back at work. I was a walking (very crabby) zombie. My husband was worried about me. He ended up doing more night feedings and even getting 1-2 hrs of sleep himself before driving off to work at 6 am. Those first 2 months were so hard and so draining. It was like heaven when they started sleeping 4-5-6 hour stretches. At that point I could handle all night feedings, but my husband did them on the weekends.

Your husband sounds like my Father-in-Law, totally stuck in the 1950's. My MIL had twins (7 kids total!) and he never got up for a night feeding. She said often times he would be getting up for work and she hadn't gone to bed yet. If he heard a baby in the middle of the night, he'd tap her to wake her up and roll over and go back to sleep. When I was pregnant he'd tell me that's how it should be, you're the mom and your husband has to get some sleep so he can get up in the morning to support his family. It irked me at the time, but I never said anything. If he were to ever make comments like that to me again, look out! I think I would go off about how this job - a "mom's" job is neverending. you don't get any breaks, and are on 24-7. You don't get to come home every day at 5:00 and sit in front of the tv and have someone serve you dinner and then get a full night's sleep until the next day. Who says it should be like this? I have done both, I had a great job and made more $ than my husband. I could have supported us too. But I am doing this, and it is sooo much harder and more draining (physically, emotionally, mentally) than any other job out there.

But don't feel bad. Maybe this thread you started will be eye-opening to him. In my crabby, sleep deprivation phase, it took a letter I wrote to my husband in the middle of the night (while I was wide awake as usual) for him to realize all I was going through and how hard it really was. I wanted to get into a routine and make some changes, he wanted to keep things how they were until he was off for the summer (he's a teacher), I think summer was 5 weeks away at the time. So not too far off for the normal, sane person. But to me, who was the one suffering and carrying the brunt of it, every single day was an eternity and I couldn't handle it. He saw my side at that point and was on board with my new plan right away. Things were much better at that point.

And accept any and all help you can get. I still have trouble with it, but it really does ease the stress level. Plus, it's nice having another adult around to talk to! Good luck, I hope you find a plan that works for you as a family.

 

DF of the OP-GET UP AND HELP THE MOTHER OF YOUR TWINS!
Taking care of newborn infant twins was the hardest thing that I have ever done-and I had help from my dh. If you are taking care of them all day by yourself then the the evenings and through the night should be a joint effort-end of story!
I suggest the shifts idea-this was the best idea I ever got from TS-my dh took the 8-12 shift while I got to sleep uninterupted and I took the 12-6 shift while dh slept uninterupted...now if ever he or I needed help it was always ok to ask for it with out fighting about it-you are partners in this parent thing!

Another suggestion that helped me get a little more sleep was if one woke up to eat I fed the other at the same time just so I didnt risk having to get right back up and feed the other one. Some people disagree with waking a sleeper but this really worked for us.

Good luck to you! I hope df starts helping you out more!

 

QUOTE(Kimani @ Nov 18 2008, 12:31 AM) [snapback]1074939[/snapback]
Also how do you take care of them? For instance when one wakes up I hurry to get him changed and breastfed before the other wakes up and gets fussy, then I do the other. My fiance thinks that I should change both at the same time no matter what and then fed them one at a time, but then one of them is crying to be fed for 10-20mins. Another thing is that the bigger one always wakes up first and breastfeeds better and stays awake and fuller, dh thinks that I play favorites with them because one usually gets done first and I end up bottle beading my breast milk to the smaller one to make sure he eats more. This makes me really defensive because I do not play favorites with them, just found out what seems to work best for us!



You poor thing...yes, my DH helps all the time. Once he gets home from work, it's a team effort. He gets up in the middle of the night to help me change/feed them. If they're waking up while he's getting ready for work, he stops what he's doing and helps me get them ready. There is no excuse for him not too...they're his kids too. The part of your post that upset me the most is what I have highlighted above. If he thinks he knows so much, then why isn't he more involved? The answer to your question about how we take care of them...whoever is louder at the moment! I happen to change them at the same time (right after their nap) and feed them at the same time...I am formula feeding now, but I did this while I was bf'ing too. Your fiance needs to get with the program...please try not to let this stress you out too much b/c that could effect your milk supply and your mental stability!

 

I'm confused. Is he not interested in parenting his own children? Does he think SAHM sshould do all childcare and housework 24/7? How many hours a week does is he gone for work? Yikes! I'm gonna assume you didn't know this about him before you had children together. I've never understood these posts about a DH deciding if he is going to help or not. Parenting is not just the job of the mom, SAHM or not. I hear this from working moms too - I really can't figure it out.

My DH is gone approx 50 hours a week between actual work hours + commute. When he is here he is very hands on. Why wouldn't he be? They are his children too. He wants to be that involved.

I also BF, and mostly one at a time. I did tandem some, and if you can figure it out it will make your life way easier and save a ton of time. I could never really get that down (or maybe I should blame that on the girls :lol: ) I'm not sure why you would wake a sleeping baby just to change the diaper and then let him/her lay there and cry while you feed the other. If you are goiingto tandem feed, then I think it makes sense to wake the one that is still asleep, change both and then start nursing. Depending on how long they were asleep and how wet they were and how desparate the cry for milk was I might feed them first. I would always change first if the diaper was dirty. Caring for newborn twins and an older child is tougher than any job I've ever had that paid money. You two need to sit down and decide where to go from here.