does anyone have a husband with a poor attitude about sleeping and feeding twins at night

Hi
I have two week old twins.. I am so tired of hearing my husband get annoyed on there nightime feedings. He is having a piss poor attitude latly and its driving me crazy. I have spoken to him about is bad energy that I am sure everybode is picking up on him. We also have a 3 1/2 yr old who very demanding at times nad going through her adjustment as well. just venting this out because I feel like I am going to lose it on him sooner or later.. I just want to tell him to stop helping me at night and I will do it all. His morale is bringing me down.
anyone have this problem?
thanks everyone..

 

We made the pact that anything said/done during the middle of the night was null and void in the morning. For some reason everything just seemed a million times worse during the night time feeding, I was no perfect angel during that time either. Obviously this doesn't hold true for anything serious (I am talking abuse or something) but we just forgot about the little tiffs/comments/disagreements because we both knew it was the lack of sleep talking not real emotions. If you think it would be easier to do night times alone then I would just tell him so. If him getting a full night of sleep and you taking the night role alone will make everyone happier then that seems like a great solution. I know there are lots of people who desire help during the night but don't get it. You need to decide what will make your home as amicable as possible!

 

I am sorry you are having to deal with an attitude problem...dealing with newborn twins is hard enough! I am sure you have, but try to sit down and talk to him about it again, telling him what you need, without getting overly upset, men don't deal well with that! If I was getting an attitude, I would -certainly rather deal with the night feeding myself...but that doesn't make it right. I think I remember you being worried about this before you even had the babies, correct? Communication is so important in marriage, and extremely important in raising kids, you have to work together as a team, rather than against each other.:hug99:s, come and vent anytime.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with DH with 2 newborns. My husband and I have always gotten along extremely well. HOWEVER, after the twins were born we got into arguments ALL of the time. I felt like he resented the fact that he was working and helping with nights. However, I was getting naps during the day . . . I was going all day too. I resented the fact that he had time away and breaks. I now look back and realize that we were both sleep deprived. We're back to our chipper selves now! Thank goodness! Try to talk about things so they won't get so bad.

 

I do the night feedings by myself. The way I see it, two sleep deprived people are worse than one, and he goes to work every day so I get up at night. If one baby fusses a little while the other one is eating, it's ok. And he gives me a break when I am crabby and tired. If you do decide to take over the night feedings by yourself, make sure you aren't a martyr about it. If you do it cheerfully, he will notice and you will be much better off! Just my own experience

 

Since I stayed home with the twins the first six months I did the nights by myself or with my mother who really lived with us the first three months of their lives. My DH would do the nights with me on weekends so my mom could go home to dear old dad. I figured he was going to work and dealing with a class of first graders the least I could is let him get some sleep at night.

I also agree that night time what ever is said in the moments of sleep deprivation needs to be forgotten and forgiven in the morning. I was a nightmare to deal with until I started getting some sleep.....and that was not until a month ago!!!!

Just talk to him and hopefully he will get with the program. Remember, he is going through the change of now being at the bottom of the totem pole. Men can be bigger babies than the real ones!

 

QUOTE(Stephanie M @ Apr 15 2007, 08:11 PM) [snapback]220999[/snapback]
Sorry you're having to deal with DH with 2 newborns. My husband and I have always gotten along extremely well. HOWEVER, after the twins were born we got into arguments ALL of the time. I felt like he resented the fact that he was working and helping with nights. However, I was getting naps during the day . . . I was going all day too. I resented the fact that he had time away and breaks. I now look back and realize that we were both sleep deprived.



I have the exact experienc as well as what pp said about hte morning after not holding onto what was said
in the throws of nightstress. Not so much a pact as the realization that what my husband says when he is tired he likely won't ever REMEMBER in the morning.

I do most of the nightime stuff myself unless both are screaming and the I must wake the sleeping dragon :diablo: ... and I know that at some point our boys will sleep longer and no longer need the all night tending.

Good luck and I hope our posts have given you confidence!!!

 

thanks everybody.. its good to know that you are not alone at these times. its really hard and also dealing with crying spurts all the time and my 3 yr old tantrums at times..
thanks for all your support.. I appreciate it..
if I ever no make any sense know that it is due to sleep deprivation.
:laughing:

 

Mine did the same thing, but I think women can handle a tad more than men. The girls are getting much better, and I think we are getting use to the night wakings, it is much better now.

 

It's a real relationship tester, isn't it? And we all go/went through it. Sometimes, when I just felt like breaking down and crying (at 4 a.m. no less), I just reminded myself that it's just the first couple of months are so challenging and each week gets a little better.

I'm not a huge believer in the letting him sleep because he works during the day. I work during the day too, taking care of them! SO, though I realize that I can stay in my p.j.'s all day and he needs to get up and look like a functioning adult, one wake up during the night won't kill him. I guess I feel this way because I was NEVER able to nap when they did during the daytime.

Also, see if as soon as he gets home (after him changing and having a bite to eat) you can just catch a few winks before the night. Even if it's just once or twice a week. That helped me so much.

Good luck. It really and truly does get better.

 

:hug99: Try to not let this take the joy out of your new babies!!

I disagree with those that think the mom should have all night responsibilities because the dad is working a "real job". Taking care of twins IS a full time job, one done much better if you are not completely sleep deprived. Throw a toddler in the mix & it was tougher than any paying job I had in 15 years of working for a paycheck.

What is it exactly that is his problem? Does he not think he should have to help at all? Or is it being awakened by the jarring screams of a hungry newborn? the unknown of how much sleep he will loose each night? Maybe he would do better if he knew exactly how long his "time commitment" was? This is what DH & I did: I would go to sleep shortly after our 2 yr old. DH would be "on duty", do the next feeding, stay up until they were asleep & then go to bed himself. I took over once they woke up to eat again for the rest of the night. It gave us both a solid chunk of sleep. Maybe you two could come up with a schedule of your own - would he do better staying up late or getting up early?

I will say this has been the toughest time in our 7 years together - already much, much better - but a lot of grumpyness in the first few months, talk about it - then let it go

 

My husband would acutally get angry and mean during those night time feedings. I ended up just doing it myself. Now we are fully breastfed, but in the begining one baby was bottlefed (she didn't know how to nurse) while the other baby nursed - and I pumped. The last time I had him help baby B poo'd and then fell asleep. He got so mad he started beating the arm of the sofa. It was scary and horrible. I stopped asking him for help that night.

 

QUOTE(Stephanie M @ Apr 15 2007, 03:11 PM) [snapback]220999[/snapback]
Sorry you're having to deal with DH with 2 newborns. My husband and I have always gotten along extremely well. HOWEVER, after the twins were born we got into arguments ALL of the time. I felt like he resented the fact that he was working and helping with nights. However, I was getting naps during the day . . . I was going all day too. I resented the fact that he had time away and breaks. I now look back and realize that we were both sleep deprived. We're back to our chipper selves now! Thank goodness! Try to talk about things so they won't get so bad.


This is us. I just wanted to add that our nights got nasty. We were two different people and in the mornings, sometimes we continued to be annoyed and sometimes it was like the night expereince that just took place never happened.

What I realized worked best was before going to bed tell him your expectation. The problem with my dh was that he said he did not like to be surprised about a night feeding. For example, if I said I would do it but when the time came I was too tired and asked him to do it, he would be really mad since he had not 'planned' to wake!!

Communication is key during the early weeks/months.

 

Mine isnt much better! I did all the night feedings bar about 5 and that is only because i was so tired i felt i was going to drop down dead lol. Even then he bitched and moaned about it. He doesnt even hear the babies get up in the middle of the night, he can sleep right through it. I agree with pp my partner has a reallly short temper so when the babies are crying or moaning its easier if i deal with them as he just makes them worse sometimes. He is soo much better with them now and he loves to play with them so much but the first few months were awfull for me. It is so hard during the first few months as everyone is stressed and sleep deprived but i tell you it does get better. Speak to him and tell him whats wrong. Tell him you need his help , even if he helps during the day so you can get a nap or 2. Men dont just get the oh i must go and do it thing they need to be told!! Well mine does anyways!! I hope everything starts to work out for you. Big :hug99: to you!! x

 

I never (rarely) badmouth my dh here, but we had this issue. Sometimes we still do. When the girls are whiny, suddenly I have not just them whining, but a third large and hairy guy whining/groaning too. The first year was rough for us for this reason. Well, he would say it was rough because they were rough, but I could deal with their miserableness, his really really bothered me -- and really compounded an already unpleasant situation. He just really couldn't/can't take the sound of crying babies.

Anyway, we got through that, and things are generally better now, he's "forgiven," and he's a great toddler daddy. (Until they cry -- he still can't take it). This is why I originally going to take away their pacis while he was away.

Hang in there.

 

QUOTE(Dianne @ Apr 15 2007, 08:05 PM) [snapback]220988[/snapback]
We made the pact that anything said/done during the middle of the night was null and void in the morning. For some reason everything just seemed a million times worse during the night time feeding, I was no perfect angel during that time either. Obviously this doesn't hold true for anything serious (I am talking abuse or something) but we just forgot about the little tiffs/comments/disagreements because we both knew it was the lack of sleep talking not real emotions. If you think it would be easier to do night times alone then I would just tell him so. If him getting a full night of sleep and you taking the night role alone will make everyone happier then that seems like a great solution. I know there are lots of people who desire help during the night but don't get it. You need to decide what will make your home as amicable as possible!


ditto this.... My DH had me in tears the other night... but he really didnt say anything bad enough to provoke them.... things just really seem bad at night, then the sun comes up and life is life again! I am nursing so I go it alone everynight BUT they girls are a bit fussy at night and my DH takes turns every 3rd night or so and will sit up with them in the recliner so I can sleep better. We also went through a night though where my DH was swearing he was so mad and tired and that made me mad (the bad energy thing) but he apologized the next AM and life was good. I hate to say it but you may be better off doing the majority of the night times by yourself. AND remind him that this portion of their lives really is not very long and in a matter of months (even weeks) they will be sleeping through the night and you will be missing the 2 AM snuggles (really I missed it after my DD went to sleeping through)

 

My DW breast fed the babies so my nightime role was to change their diapers and hand them off to her to feed. Then I got to go back to bed. In the early days that meant getting up twice during the night which really knocked me on my butt during the day. Once the twins dropped the second night feed things got a lot more manageable. Now that they sleep pretty much through the night we're still tired, but not dangerously so.

Our attitude was that we were a team and that it would get better. Ya, it sucks going to work tired, but I do get a big break from child care and get to have adult relationships whereas the DW has a full day of kids. Also she found it difficult to get naps because of your 2 yr old. It may be that he needs a bit more time to adjust his thinking. It certainly took me a few weeks to accept that my old life was gone and that this was my new life. If these are your first kids its an even bigger emotional/intelectual jump to make.

You should try to have a low key discussion about this over coffee or while having a walk somewhere. Having an over tired mom is not a good idea IMHO.

 

QUOTE(K.C. @ Apr 16 2007, 01:34 AM) [snapback]221282[/snapback]
It's a real relationship tester, isn't it? And we all go/went through it. Sometimes, when I just felt like breaking down and crying (at 4 a.m. no less), I just reminded myself that it's just the first couple of months are so challenging and each week gets a little better.

I'm not a huge believer in the letting him sleep because he works during the day. I work during the day too, taking care of them! SO, though I realize that I can stay in my p.j.'s all day and he needs to get up and look like a functioning adult, one wake up during the night won't kill him. I guess I feel this way because I was NEVER able to nap when they did during the daytime.

Also, see if as soon as he gets home (after him changing and having a bite to eat) you can just catch a few winks before the night. Even if it's just once or twice a week. That helped me so much.

Good luck. It really and truly does get better.

oh yeah.. it is.. a relationship tester... its really tough.. I cant nap either during the day.. I have a 3 yr old who is needing my attention.. so I have to be on all day. I know that is what I am trying to look at that its just in the beginning that is really tough and we are all just trying to adjust even my 7 yr old boxer(dog).
thanks for you advice. its great to be able to come on here and vent!

 

My DH is always grumpy the next day if he has to get up at all during the middle of the night so after about 3 weeks he did not get up for thier nighttime feeds. Even on the weekends I still get up in the middle of the night with them but he takes the early morning shift and lets me sleep in. He is just not built for for getting up in the am and I would rather lose sleep then deal with his grumpy self for the entire next day..... he does alot of other great things so I forgive him. :wub:

 

QUOTE(MrsCasper @ Apr 17 2007, 06:48 PM) [snapback]223950[/snapback]
My DH is always grumpy the next day if he has to get up at all during the middle of the night so after about 3 weeks he did not get up for thier nighttime feeds. Even on the weekends I still get up in the middle of the night with them but he takes the early morning shift and lets me sleep in. He is just not built for for getting up in the am and I would rather lose sleep then deal with his grumpy self for the entire next day..... he does alot of other great things so I forgive him. :wub:

good point. Mine does alot of good things as well. I just dont point them out to everyone. he will do the housecleaning for me and alot of guys wouldnt do that. I am lucky in some ways.. I feel better already. I know its just a tough time and it will get better
thanks

 

My husband too is very grumpy if he doesn't get enough sleep. So at 2wks of age, I got up at night without him, and it was so much nicer!! Less stressful. At that time he did all the housework, so I didn't mind.