Do your children get along?

I am sure we went wrong somewhere... My children constantly aggravate one another. We have tried everything - for essentially the first two years we generally stopped squabbling at the onset by interveneing and trying to teach them the right thing to do. We have recently started letting them sort it out more and it just seems to be worse not better (and despite DH's thoughts that this is the right thing to do I don't see it accomplishing anything more than bad habits). The only thing that really seems to work is separation. One in one room, one in the other. They love one another, but in small doses.

Are we alone? Any secrets to creating and maintaining harmony?

 

I don't have any secrets but can relate. I would say my boys fight on a daily basis (they are 27 months). 99% of the time it's over a toy or something the other wants. Josh has recently become attached to his blanket. He'll carry it around all through the house. Jake has the same blanket but want's Josh's. :catfight: I can bring Jake's downstairs and it does not matter. That usually goes with everything else. It even happens with food. Josh will finish his meal and instead of asking me for more, will just walk over to Jake's plate and take his food. :woah: Sometimes it's really sweet and Jake will feed him and other time all heck breaks loose.

I really do feel it's the age and them not being able to communicate.

Depending on where I am in the house, if they begin to scream or cry I will wait a minute or two to see if they can work it out. If I am in the same room, I can only take so much and will usually stop it. :angry:

 

I don't think letting them sort it out will work at this age. I think that they just don't have those capabilities yet. They want what is theirs and they want it now. I have just started not intervening on every little thing since the girls turned 4, but I still help sort out the majority of fights. Up until then, the timer was my best friend. Our fights are generally over toys, so I have always set a timer and told them once the timer is up, then you have to share. If the toy actually belonged to one girl, then I made the other give it up and they can play with it only after the other is finished. Maybe I've just been really lucky, but once the timer went off, the toy was generally given up without a fight and the girls were happy to have their turn. I also have tried to build comradarie by having my girls praise each other when one does something good, taking sippies and such to each other, having them cover up one another when they don't feel good, etc. Just trying to build a sense of compassion and empathy for each other. They still have the occasional fights, all kids do, but they can literally play for hours and get along.

 

I think it depends on the age and personality. My two get along for the most part but they have at least a squabble or two a day. Usually it is because one has something the other wants. Most of the time they can work it out themselves but when they are getting too upset over an argument is when I intervene, I either institute timed turns with the desired object or employ distraction to get their minds on to something else.

 

Mine get along pretty well, with the exception of when they are tired. If they are tired then all bets are off. If I hear them both expressing that they want the same toy I stay out of it. They are willing to share with sister or find another toy about half of the time. We have 2 of most toys. If it escalates to crying or screaming I intervene. So I'd say I have to intervene about half of the time during the day when they aren't tired.

 

Mine get along pretty well, but this all started about 6 months ago. Around 2 was a nightmare because Ana was such a bully and Meara would just take it and then cry in the corner (broke my heart). We had to constantly intervene to help Meara stick up for herself and help Ana understand she wasn't the boss of the universe.

Now though they play together well about 80% of the time. Like Aimee's girls, when they are tired they get cranky with each other. Usually if they start getting on each other's nerves or they aren't getting along, they only need a few reminders from us to work it out, or play separately for awhile.

 

Yeah... so envious of folks with kids who get along. There is no peace in our house. I think most of it is personality combined with the age. One is just physically agressive (he's a snatch it out of your hands toy stealer - and does it intentially for no other reason to aggravate his brother). The other is a very talkative, possesive, screamer. He follows his brother around crying, tattling, screaming or whining multiple times throughout the day.

When they are together I hear either silence (because they are doing their own thing), giggling (when they are up to to no good together), or most often - a constant chorus of "No! Connor", "No touch, Connor", "No, Connor! It's MINE!!" "Bad Connor. Give it back!" followed by "Mommy, Connor needs a timeout." "Connor did it." "Connor stole my {fill in the blank.}"

And poor Connor - he often gets screamed at for daring to touch his own toys. And when we sit down to talk about it his brother will acknowledge that the toy belongs to Connor, and will even begrudginly acknowledge that he has a right to play with it. Just not now.

 

Ours mostly get along. Most of the times I have to intervene are because they're fighting over a toy, DS is trying to wrestle with DD when she doesn't want to or DD is bossing DS around. With toys, if one snatches it from the other, I give it back to the original twin and remind them to take turns. If they still fight over it after that, it goes away for awhile. With the physical stuff/wrestling, I have to rescue DD because she screams bloody murder about it. With DD bossing DS, I remind her not to boss around her brother and tell Aidan he can do what he wants.

I'd love to let them work it out on their own, but they usually escalate pretty quickly to hitting, pushing, kicking, etc. Within 1 minute, someone would be hurt and crying. I look at it like this. They're only 2.5 so I'm still teaching them about appropriate play with each other. If I let them work it out all the time, DS, who is bigger and stronger, would basically bully DD. And that's not what I want to teach is ok. But what I struggle with now is that I don't want to give DD a victim mentality, as I'm usually rescuing her from DS.

 

How old are your kids? (You don't have a ticker and I may have missed where you said how old they are)

My 2 really had a love/hate relationship for a very long time. They are now 4.5 and are just starting to appreciate each other and get along. We tried the fight it out but that didn't work at all for us. We resorted to lots of follow up and talking about respecting each other/treament of others/making good choices etc. They are tons better now and even have days where they sleep in the same bed. That NEVER would have happened a year ago.

Good luck.

 

I had to add that I answered based on this past month. Things change as far as fighting goes. What does not change, remarkably, is the fact that they are never EVER more than 6 inches apart at any time when they are awake. They play with the same toy, sit in the same chair, sit on the same part of the couch, sit on the same lawn chair, you get the idea... So. the fact that they only fight 2 times a day is nothing short of miraculous.

They are the 2 closest people I have ever seen in my life. Ever.

 

Mine get along well.

Way better than most sibling that I know that spend LARGE amounts of time together. They rarely do a HUGE fight, but a few disagreements pop up daily. Just recently, they have started to try to solve it or compromise. Before I had one twin that would steamroll the other into complying most of the time and we had to 'teach' the other twin to stick up for herself a bit more.

I am happy at how the get along----though at 4 they argue more than they did as toddler, they also 'play' more (rather than play next to each other).

 

Mine are 4.5 and I've just started holding back more, trying to let them work it out. I don't intervene until it's clear that things are escalating and will get ugly. But I spent most of the time from 12 months to 4 years trying to teach them how to work things out -- modeling, guiding, etc. -- and still do a lot of that.

They get along pretty well -- I think they fight as much as any two siblings do. They tend to get along best during transition times like just before bed, right before we go to school, etc. And they fight more during times when we're just hanging out at home with nothing particular to do.

I've also found that (in general) the more verbal and imaginative they are -- which is a function of age -- the better they play together.

 

I answered but my guess is that things will change a lot in the next 2 years, so it's hard to say.

As a rule I don't like intervening because it can be unfair (unless they start hitting)... I remember getting really mad at my parents because they punished us both when I had done nothing wrong, and I don't really want that to happen to my kids. So unless I'm right there and see what happened to cause the whining/crying/fight, I try not to intervene too much.

 

I voted then erased my vote. It is tough because it depends on the phase they are going through. I have an assertive (aggressive) one who now is in the bossy "I'm the mommy" thinking stage and her sister is passive. The toy thief since birth then it was hiting then biting, then something else, then biting again, then toy stealing.... I try to intervene to stop at least some toy stealing. Plus now with the baby she gets bossed around and pushed and toy steeling. ah it never ends. There are days when she is just right on top of her sister with each new toy she picks up.. I have separated them into different rooms (thanks to the baby gate). It is like an obsession some days. I try to teach my passive daughter to be more aggressive but that is just impossible. Someday the tables will turn. The baby is going to give her a run for her money.

Heather