Do you keep secrets from spouse/SO?

While I was out buying something on the DL, this made me wonder! So-do you keep secrets from your spouse/SO?

Back story:
I went away for a week for a conference. One of the last sentences my Dh said to me was, "don't leave your iPad on the plane."

Know where this is going...

I had two flights on way home. First flight I definitely remember putting it in bag. Second flight, I don't even remember taking it out of my bag. I didn't realize I didn't have it four days later. In my defense....I was in excruciating back pain and on percocets to survive the two hour flight. So I was foggy.

Well, I've been saving my cookie money to pay for a replacement in cash. I just bought one. I'm sure eventually it will come out that I lost it. But until then...

It's our little secret!

 

Yup! This past year, between May - August I got 5 photo radar speeding tickets (in my defense, they had recently changed the "forgiveness" threshold and it took me a while to catch up). Justin only knows about 2 of them

Since I paid the tickets with my own money, have made a concerted effort to change my driving habits, and wouldn't be mad at him for keeping a similar secret, I see no point in telling him just so he can be mad at me for a few days.

 

I don't. This was an issue early on our relationship when he'd keep things from me like "Oh, I had to go to the ER with a kidney stone..." He was fine but still...
We just tell each other the stuff and deal with the fall out.  When it comes to him, I'm not real good at keeping secrets anyway, I'd probably wind up telling him forgetting that I shouldn't.

 

I try not to because it becomes more of a "thing" between us, and if it makes me feel weird or uncomfortable, then I think its not the right thing for me to do (does that make sense?  I'm only on my first cup of coffee).
 
Plus we don't have separate money.. we can see what the other spends and are very open about our spending.  Maybe this is a s/o discussion...

 

Yes-unfortunately.
He doesnt have to keep things from me because I'm open minded, understanding and forgiveing and know that life happens.
Me on the other hand has to stress over the fall out and him flipping out and bringing it up for the rest of my life.
 
I love my husband but I wish I could feel comfortable telling him anything.

 

Lesley-I'm sorry I do remember you mentioning that aspect, and I would totally do the same. :hug:

There would be no other thing to keep from my Dh, that I can think of. It just comes down to money. And really, it's my own money that I worked for and saved, so...there! Lol! But like you Lesley and Rachel, I don't want to deal with the fallout, the "I told you so's" etc. The men worry about one thing and one thing only-themselves!

And...the neat thing...I was able to restore the new iPad to the old iPad via the iCloud storage, so it's just like my old iPad! Lol! With a new cover of course.

 

I never used to mind the small secrets, but this has been a major problem in our marriage this year. I don't want to go into details, but Kris kept a few things from me that had some fairly serious consequences, and so I have cracked down on this. My thing is, if your spouse is going to flip out over the consequences, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. And other stuff.. well, we all have to admit we make mistakes. Being vulnerable is part of being human.

 

Nope, we don't keep secrets.  At least not intentionally, but DH is the world's most forgetful person and often thinks he told me about things (like plans he made) and he didn't.

 

I agree with this. And the reverse is also true. If there are serious concerns about the spouse flipping out unjustifiably (not just joking around or something), then that too is a problem that should be addressed. You are an adult. You shouldn't have to deal with DH bringing it up forever or being a jerk because you made a mistake. (Not saying your husband particularly, just in general.)

 

 
I also agree with this. And, I think admitting mistakes and showing how you fixed them sets a good example for everyone.. husbands included. However, this isn't me lecturing anyone on how their marriage works; it's quite possible that most people have enough trust in their spouse and ability to handle things to let certain items go. For us, there was just too much stuff that wasn't getting communicated because people didn't want to take responsibility for their actions, and it led to a very real breakdown. So, transparency it is.
 
Also, let it be known that I am regretting this policy because I scraped a freaking car today and I would rather not hear about that!

 

Also not judging anyone's marriage. Anything I've learned in this regard, I've learned the hard way because I've BTDT.

Sorry to hear about the car scrape. Just annoying all around!

 

To me, this is minor. But yes, I can see how big things can become serious. We had our own back during the dating years-and most ppl would have broken up(should be able to figure that one out...). I find this minor. Anything else-ya i would tell him-tickets, accidents, win $$, etc etc. I think part for me is it was a bday gift and so guilt that I lost it.

And sorry about the car Jen. Like Rachael said, just plain annoying!

 

Jen, so sorry about the car :hug:  I have had those minor car scrapes and coming home to tell the husband has not been something I wanted to do but I've been very lucky that he's been more than understanding.

 

Jen I'm sorry about the car. I've BTDT and DH still brings it up years later, but in a joking way... like I sometimes bring up the time he forgot to put on the parking break and his car rolled into another car in the supermarket parking lot.
 
And like Rachael said I'm not judging because I have been there where small secrets were kept, but then the act of keeping it a secret became bigger than the secret itself.  Having to remember that we didn't talk about something was difficult because every night ends with us talking about everything. There have been some difficult conversations, but other things that I thought would lead to conflict after led to support (and I think he would say the same for me).  

 

No I don't just because I'm the worlds worst secret keeper Our $ also isn't separate so he would see it anyways

 

Some minor things, sure. But not much. He has major issues with the secrets my mother keeps from my father (financial, to protect us girls growing up when we got in trouble, etc) so I know that's a HUGE no for Paul.

 

Not really, for a variety of reasons. Our money's all together for one. Mostly, though, it doesn't feel good. My husband struggled with some of those issues, too, with being really angry and bringing up my faults after the fact. We worked really hard together on changing that. Now he's upset, (I lost a Kindle I loved 6 weeks after I received it as an example) but supportive. He sees me trying not to lose things (more mindfulness) and sees how upset I truly am if I do make a mistake. With the endless reminders, it took quite a bit of work to establish that we will not go back to previous incidents. It wasn't pretty but now when we argue it's much better. It's funny, when we spend time with his mother, he realizes just how different he is now. She's a perfectionist, always scared of making a mistake because forgiveness doesn't really exist in her world.

 

I advise you not to keep secrets from your partner. It seems to me that before registering on a dating site, you always need to study the rating of this site, see how easy it is to use, how well people respond about it. By the way, many recommend starting to study with zoosk ratings. They say he is not very bad and quite high.