Do you find it difficult to connect with singleton moms?

Yes, I am awake in the middle of the night, so doing all the posting i havent' been able to for weeks!

The girls are our first children, so I have no experience being a singleton mom. I get lots of the usual 'I don't know how you do it" from other moms I see casually, but - I also feel like it's really difficult for me to connect with them.

I'm sure a lot of it is probably me, and maybe it's because when we're out in public I am BARELY managing to keep up with the girls who are crawling (and now walking!) in opposite directions, or trying to climb out of those crappy restaurant high chairs with the straps that never work (ok, so WHY do I keep taking them out???) - but- I feel like unless you've had twins you have NO CLUE what I'm dealing with.

I don't mean that in a snobby, supercilious, superior way, just that the experience is so different. I mean,I'd LOVE to take a music class and just have ONE baby to pay attention to (actually i wouldn't love to have one baby, i can't imagine not having twins and often pity people who don't!); what I would love is to feel like there's enough of me to go around - or to have a clone or at least another trusted adult with me!!)

And I'm sure this is really me just projecting, but sometimes I feel like the freak on the playground. When people ask how I do it, I am able (finally, now that i'm getting some sleep) to smile and say "that's what I ask my friends with triplets!", instead of my response the first six months of their lives: "I just do it, what other choice do i have?" - which was said with varying degrees of lightness, depending on whether i had been woken six or EIGHT times the night before!!!

Just rambling here, but also wondering if i'm always going to feel like some sort of oddball, and like I don't fit in unless it's with other twin parents. It's not that i'm really that concerned about fitting in, just that i'd like some social adult contact - even if it's 'just' in the context of the playground!

Tks for reading the ramble.

 

Your certaintly not an oddball. I come into contact with a twin mom at least once or twice a week. Sometimes at the grocery store, mall, chick fil-A, playground. There are a lot of us out there, but I know exactly what you are feeling. I always get the " You have your hands full" everywhere I go. My twins are 3 1/2, so I don't feel like my hands are anymore filled than someone with two singletons that are 3 and 1 years old. I always say that, too. It always makes them think about and they usually agree with me.

To answer your question. yes, I find it difficult to connect with moms of singletons. I actually used to be jealous of them in the earlier days because they only had that one child to focus on and to give ALL their attention to. I even had one twin mother tell me "better you than me" when we were both pregnant. She was a old co-worker of mine. I remember being so insulted by her statement. Of course, I was very hormonal. This was my first non-connection with a singleton mother . Since then, I have been treated as the out of the loop mother at music classes, gym classes, playground, etc.......After several years, I have got used to it and expect it. Actually, I don't really connect with the moms at the playgroups anywhere. I don't get into all the preschool, child developmental milestone, my child is better than yours conversations......but that is another post. :winking0009:

I have also been at a point where I feel bad for my children because we don't go out and do as much activities as we should. Some days, I just feel too tired to deal with both of them running around and in opposite directions. I always feel like if I had just one child, I could go here or there. I always feel that they gang up on me, and I just don't have it in me for them both to scatter about. It scares me,too. I live in fear that they'll both run in opposite directions in a parking lot.

I hope I helped.......I know I rambled for the most part.

 

It depends. I think if we were friends before kids than it's easier to maintain the bond. I also think it depends on the people involved. I don't think I'm an overly friendly person, so I tend to be really choosy of people I consider friends. Sometimes it has nothing to do with singleton/multiples but more so personality. I've met some lovely singleton Moms in my neighborhood and there is a Mom of triplets that I just can't stand for some reason.

 

I moved to a new city when my twins were about 6 months old, so I had no choice but to try to make friends with the moms I met. Some of them are twin moms, but many are not. I just got involved in community activities like library storytime classes and met people there. Granted, it was easier to chat with new people in public places before my kids were mobile. However, many of the singleton moms I befriended back in those early days have become very close friends.

I find when I meet other moms, they can easily be divided into 3 groups:

1. Those who are intimidated by the 'supermom' with 2 toddlers when they feel they are barely coping with one child
2. Those who see me as some kind of circus freak and just ask questions to sastisfy their curiosity (this must be way worse for moms of higher order multiples)
3. Those who realise very quickly that you're just a mom like they are but with a little less sleep and a few more challenges to face

Obviously it's the last group where you'll make friends. The best part of having friends who are moms of singletons is when you bring your kids out in public, they can help you keep tabs on your two little ones since they only have one to keep an eye on.

 

Sometime when I talk to moms of singletons I feel like we're raising an entirely different species. Having two babies makes things more complicated. For example, I can't take my boys to the park without my husband or mom to help me to watch the boys. Taking them by myself is just not an option - it's just asking for trouble. I have lots of limitations that some mothers of singletons can't relate to. But I know I have lots of perks too - like two smiling faces in the morning and two babies meeting exciting milestones like walking, clapping, etc. How exciting is that? So I spend more time with other twin moms (I have a few really nice friends who have twins) when I can. Truthfully, I'm a bit of a hermit compared to my expectations of life with babies. Before Evan and James arrived I imagined myself doing all kinds of things - Gymboree, play groups, library story time, mommy-baby yoga...but I've had to adjust my expectations.

 

It's not that I find it difficult to connect with them when I have a chance to talk with them, it's more like I just don't have the opportunity all that much. For example, if we're at the playground and there are a bunch of moms with one child each, and I have my two . . . it seems like all the singletons are playing, and the moms are watching them but chatting with each other. I, on the other hand, am trying to keep track of two toddlers at the same time, so rarely have a chance to join in a conversation for more than half a sentence.

At the moment DH is unemployed, and although it's not good financially, it's been really nice having him around. We can go to the playground with two kids and two adults, we go together to music class, etc., which means we do get to socialize with the other parents a little bit more.

Personally, I think it looks more difficult at this point to have a 2 year old and an infant (or probably worse when you have a 2/3 year old and a 1 year old who is completely mobile). Maybe I don't get a break when I'm with them at the playground, but when we're at home I have moments when I can drink coffee and read the paper and my twins are actually playing with each other!

-Rachel

 

it seems like all the singletons are playing, and the moms are watching them but chatting with each other. I, on the other hand, am trying to keep track of two toddlers at the same time, so rarely have a chance to join in a conversation for more than half a sentence.
I totally agree! This is when I feel "different" as well. My friends can sit & relax while I'm running around like a maniac after my 3- making sure they are not hurt or hurting others. Things are definitely getting easier as the girls get bigger.
Good luck!

 

QUOTE(megginmj @ Apr 4 2008, 01:05 PM) [snapback]704937[/snapback]
I moved to a new city when my twins were about 6 months old, so I had no choice but to try to make friends with the moms I met. Some of them are twin moms, but many are not. I just got involved in community activities like library storytime classes and met people there. Granted, it was easier to chat with new people in public places before my kids were mobile. However, many of the singleton moms I befriended back in those early days have become very close friends.

I find when I meet other moms, they can easily be divided into 3 groups:

1. Those who are intimidated by the 'supermom' with 2 toddlers when they feel they are barely coping with one child
2. Those who see me as some kind of circus freak and just ask questions to sastisfy their curiosity (this must be way worse for moms of higher order multiples)
3. Those who realise very quickly that you're just a mom like they are but with a little less sleep and a few more challenges to face
Obviously it's the last group where you'll make friends. The best part of having friends who are moms of singletons is when you bring your kids out in public, they can help you keep tabs on your two little ones since they only have one to keep an eye on.


What a great post! I especially agree with the groups of Moms you encounter.

 

some of my best "mom" friends actually have two that are a year to 18 months apart. It is funny, they can empathis as can I. I tell them they are lucky to have had some time to "spoil" or "dote" on just one child, but, now I have two that play (mostly) well together and they never knew what it was like to be the only one. I do not envy the six-nine month baby and the toddler stage. I envy (a little) just having one baby to hold or cuddle and not feel like you are playing favorites because someone is left alone!

However, I work (ie job) less hours with the two of them then if I would have had a singleton. I think it does put you in a different place. I have friends that just incorporated the baby into their life as it was, where we had to slow down and readjust. For me, I think it was a good thing.

Sorry for the ramble, I think it is just the personalities. I have a couple of twin mom friends and some singletons friends and know people in both categories that drive me batty! As I probably do them!

 

I know what you mean. For the most part, my friends with singletons do understand and can see and appreciate how much harder everything is for me and it means a lot when they acknowledge that to me. The thing that drives me crazy is when a friend with a singleton complains to me about how hard it is with just her one kid. I mean, I know having even one kid is hard work but she has no idea how truly hard it is with two at the same time. I let her vent and listen to her and every now and then I will throw a "I know, imagine doing it with two!" She complains to me about how hard it is to go food shopping with her dd and I come back with, I can't even DO food shopping with them because the stores don't have double shopping carts! Grrrrr. I did have another friend who was a mom with a singleton and then when her son was 2 she had a newborn and she called me to say that she understands now how hard it is to juggle two kids and that she respects what I have done and that felt really good. I do belong to a local twin group which I LOVE because they are all right there doing it with me and we have a very special bond from the experience we share. Some things are just so much harder with twins but then there are some things that I get double of that moms of singletons don't (hugs, kisses, seeing first steps, first words, laughs etc.) and that makes it all worth it!

BTW, I LOVE your answer to the all familiar line "I don't know how you do it" by saying "That's what I say to moms of triplets!" I'm totally hijacking that from you...thanks

 

As a couple of PPs mentioned, I started feeling a lot better about this when my twins were old enough that, if they had been a singleton, we might conceivably have had another baby. A lot of my friends who had singletons around the same time my twins were born had their second kids about 18-24 months later, and that's when I started feeling lucky. I also feel like they understand so much better -- they will make comments about juggling two, and then say (unprompted) "Now I have some idea of what it was like for you -- only harder because you had two newborns!"

But those are mostly people I was friends with before any of us had kids. I haven't made many mom friends since the girls were born, but that's mostly because I work FT. I have made some playground acquaintances, but only to say hi to.

I have mixed feelings about the "how annoying is it when singleton moms complain" question. Obviously I do get annoyed, but OTOH I feel like everyone should have the right to vent about (or ask for support with) the things that are hard for them. I'm sure there are many ways that my life is easier than theirs -- having a husband who doesn't travel, or having enough money not to worry about it, or having really good sleepers. My point is just that everyone has their cross to bear.

 

What gets me is one day I was at a church get together and this lady was going on and on how hard it was to put her one-year-old son's coat on during the winter and put him in and out of his carseat. Please lady!

Even when I just had my son, having twins now, I think how easy it was for me to still go shopping and do lots of things. Of course now I have had to go to the mall and do things with DS - who is four and the twins, who are two, and yea, it's crazy, but I have to live with it.

But to hear someone complain about one kid, whatever!

 

Thanks for posting about this - it's something I think about from time to time. I have definitely felt I couldn't connect for a long time and luckily I have become very close to the women in my twins club. Now that my girls are a little older I've started to meet moms who have a toddler and a newborn, and I seem to connect better with them. I also have more sleep now and am better able to hold a semi sane conversation, so that helps! But I do still sometimes feel a weird vibe with singleton moms and I'm not always sure why that is. It's like being excluded from a clique that I'm not sure I want to be part of anyway, but can't figure out why they wouldn't want me as a member! ;0

 

I know a lot of singleton mums, actually we became friends when we were all pregnant meeting online in a local baby site, 3 of us were having twins. Now we all keep in touch via email and go on playdates from time to time. The singleton mums do sometimes say things like "I wonder what it would be like to pick up two" but are generally very understanding. Sometimes I sense they are jealous! They are now debating (or are pregnant!) a second baby as they dont want an 'only child' and say things like "You're so lucky, you dont have to go on playdates, your babies have someone to play with all the time!" So i gues there are always moments of the grass is greener on the other side. But anyway to answer your question, i dont find it harder to connect.. But i DO feel different to them.