Do you ever feel like a bad Mom?

Today, I do. I have B/G twins that are 2.5 years old. I have had it easy up until now. I used to take things in stride, but now I have reached my breaking point. Everytime I turn around I am playing referee, yelling, disciplining, putting in time-out etc. I want to run in the closet and cry. It just seems that in the last couple of months, my twins are tearing up my home, ganging up on me. When I tell one to "stop" or "no", the other will do the same exact things. Just today, my DD threw all her food on the floor the second I turned my back. My DS was laughing and encouraging it. I have told her and him, time and time again to not throw food on the floor. Nothing works. I was so aggravated, that I made DD pick all the pieces of food off the floor and put it back on her tray. She did while crying. I felt horrible. As soon as the mess was cleaned up, my DS was hanging on one of the kitchen drawers. He likes to pull the drawer out while hanging suspended on the front part of the drawer and wrapping his legs around the other part of the drawer. The last time he did this, the drawer fell out and he got an ugly scratch on his arm. I yelled at him for this. He goes off and takes DDs toy away from her, she screams chasing him through the house. When she finally catches him, she bites DS really hard leaving a welt. I sent her to time-out. She went running into the closet cowering. She cowers when I discipline her, but I never hit her. It makes me feel like I am over-reacting, but I don't know how else to get her from doing the bad behaviour. She has bitten DS at least three times in the last week. He currently has THREE sets of her teeth marks on him. I am soooo fed up with it.

I had taken my DD and DS to a daycare, but they didn't want anything to do with DD. They kept sending her home or putting her with someone else. I guess this someone else is the person that gets all the out of control kids. :huh:

DH and I can't even have a quiet meal. At home, they scream while we are trying to talk. When we go out, they always end up trying to go under the table. We have to keep telling them to sit on the chair like 50x over the whole time. It is hard to have a decent meal with them acting up all the time.

I am soooo burned out. And no, I haven't any family that will watch them or wants to watch them for that matter. We took them to see DHs parents a couple of weeks. They kept asking when we were leaving??? :mellow:


I am writing this as more of an outlet. I feel like I have failed as a mother so far.....I have read all these books about gentle discipline, no spanking blah blah blah.....They sure as heck or doing me no good here. Can someone give me some ideas.

I haven't even got around to potty training yet. I can't imagine what that will be like; it seems so scary to me.

Thanks for reading

Tamra

 

:hug99:

First of all, I have to say that DH's parents were incredibly rude to say that, and I think there was a much better way for them to handle the situation than that. My feelings would be very hurt if any of my family or friends ever said that to me. You're at a really hard age. They don't call it the "terrible two's" for nothing! It sounds to me like they're really testing the limits right now more than anything. And, that's completely natural. To add to it, you have two little ones to keep after...it's so much more difficult than just having one.

You have to find the one thing that works and stick with it. If it's time-out, standing in the corner, or whatever. The key is consistency and as tiring as it all is, you have to stick with it. You can't try something one day, and then not do it the next. For example, if DD screams during dinner, you could take her out of the high chair, place her in a different room (somewhere safe, of course) and say "we don't scream during dinner time" and then leave the room. You'll have to do it over and over and over again, but eventually they DO get the message.

You're not a bad mom, and you're certainly NOT a failure. It really does take a lot of time to get it all down, but you'll be okay, I promise.

HTH!

 

You have just explained in detail my day to day life for the last 2 years. I just feel like I have lost all my control of them and I have no idea how to make them behave a little better... yes I know they could be worse... but they are bad for them you know.


I wish I knew what to say to help but I honestly have no idea so here ya go :hug99:

 

Right there with you Tamra. The Terrible Twos Times Two are real. The parenting theory of "tell them what they can do, not what they can't" sure sounds great, but it's exhausting.

One of my sons was much like your DD, hitting and pushing hard. His tantrums could go on for an hour and he would scream himself hoarse. His voice sounded so horrible I would cry. Pedi said he's perfectly fine and he would act like nothing happened, but I felt so guilty.

And people's reactions can be ridiculous. A mother at the playground told me in front of others that I was TOO harsh for putting DS on timeout for pushing HER daughter! "He's too little for that, he doesn't understand." Yeah, right! He's two years old, not two months! I didn't even know what to say. Just walked away and did the TO anyway.

Simplifying rules has helped a lot recently. Most of this is actually just helping me to deal long enough for both of them to grow out of it.

Here are some things we're trying to do. Welcome any other ideas!!!

Time-Outs for serious offenses only. If they might hurt themselves, hurt someone else = time out. No warnings. DH was timing out for food fights, babysitter was giving warnings, etc. so they were either always on TO or never in TO. I had to lay down the law with the adults on this one.

Calmdown time. Use as tantrum response, for minor offenses, crazy things to get your attention. Instead of asking if they want a timeout as a threat, I say in serious voice "you NEED some time to calm down" and ignore them for same amount of time as time out. DH calls it mini-time out.

Self-correct Countdown. Good old count to three when things start to drag out. Can't use a punishment/angry voice because they of course laugh when I lose it. A twinmom friend said it helps to de-personalize it, instead of saying "I'm going to count", try to say "WE are going to count to 3, so YOU have time to [pick up your shoes, whatever] or MOMMY will." One DS never gets to 3. The other one will often scream at 3, but at least I feel less guilty. :blush:

Food throwing. New rule: You throw, you go. DS the tasmanian devil thought food throwing TOs were hilarious. He actually likes cleaning up (gets praise), so clean up consequence didn't work. He just threw more. Now we just say "no throwing, all done" and put him aside if he looks like he MIGHT toss a plate. Sort of a pre-time out. Sometimes he throws a fit, but at least we don't have to clean up as much. One less stress. He's pretty much switched to saying "all done" after about 2 months.

These rules seem so rational when I type this, but it is so much harder in reality.

Hang in there!

 

We just had to leave Wal-mart without getting my list full of things because they both started having full scale screaming meltdowns! The looks people gave me were horrible. I was trying to pay for the 3 things we had managed to get in the self checkout when this woman asks me in a rude voice if I would please move my cart so she could get by me. Sure lady, let me stop quickly checking out to move my cart with the two red faced screaming kids in it so you can get by me. Pay no attention to the HUNDREDS of other ways you could have gone!!!!!!! Then as we were leaving, this woman's cart was blocking my only way out. AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I could have pummelled her!!!!! I am right there with you. It is much harder than it was when I just had one two year old.....and louder!!!!

 

:hug99: I wish I knew what to tell you! Like I could snap and make it all better! i dont even have any good advice... I just spank.

:hug99:

 

All I can say is that you are not alone. I am right there with you, but mine are GG. They have started fighting more and some days I feel that I could go crazy! No advice just :hug99:

 

Every single day.

You are in a terrible phase. I agree with PP to remain constant and emotionless. Your fire will fuel their fire. I know how hard it is to remain calm, but it's the only way. I also agree with PPs to end the meal when they throw food. Mine went hungry a few times, but the food tossing ended. We also only did time outs at that age for serious offenses. Lastly, try to distract them with something else. A book, puzzle, walk around the block, play doh, etc. We just left the dishes or whatever until they were asleep or otherwise distracted.

:hug99:

 

I feel for you (and I'm scared for my future!). The only advice I can offer is a book I've heard great things about, from parents who find their child to be more of a handful than average. http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirite...e/dp/0060923288. I have another book by the same author, and she really has a lot of great ideas - it's worth a read, I hope.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice from experience to share with you but perhaps one day, you will be responding to my post of similar circumstances (but let's hope not :winking0009: ). I just wanted to say that you are NOT A BAD MOM!!!!! You are doing the best you can with 2 in the terrible 2's. I'm so sorry that it has gotten to the point that you feel the way you do. I agree with pp that whatever method of discipline you do use, consistency is the key. I think it is important to continue to let them know that you run the house, not them. You deffinately need to pick and choose your battles. I know I'm not there yet so I can't really know what you are going through until I am possibly there one day but one thing I would suggest is that while they are going through this phase, perhaps going to restuarants is not such a good idea. Going out to eat should be an enjoyable experience (especially when you have to pay the money you do to go out to eat) and having kids screaming and not sitting still sounds more exhuasting than it's worth. They just aren't ready for this type of experience. As for the food throwing, once the food hits the floor I would take their food away and make them just sit there. And I would take away the other ones food if they are laughing or encouraging it. Make them sit there for 5 minutes without their food and then ask them if they would like to EAT their food. Warn them that if the food goes on the floor one more time, their mealtime is over. It sounds cruel but desperate times call for desperate measures and they are not going to die from missing a meal. It could help. I have done this with my one dd who has thrown her food on the floor. She cries and sits there with no food watching her sister eat and looking at her tray of food. After a few min I give it back and tell her no throwing food. If she does it again then I take it away for even longer. By the time she finally gets her food back she chows down. Lastly, I know how it feels to feel bad after you have scolded or disciplined them but it is important that they see you are very serious during these times. You can feel bad for making your daughter clean up but don't let her know or see that you feel bad. You can acknowledge how she is feeling but remind her that behavior is not acceptable. "I know that you are upset that you have to clean this big mess up but we do not throw food in this house and when you do, you have to clean up your mess." I know this all easier said than done and I hope that it gets easier ASAP for you and your dh. Hang in there. I hear that it's just a phase but it's important that you stay in control and let them know you are the boss.

 

I may be biased, but I think my boys are monsters. LOL

We spank. We do LONG time-outs. 10, 15 minutes. Did I mention that we spank? Seriously, some times all I have to say is "Noah, if you don't sit down right now I am going to spank you." And, hey, I don't just spank their butts. With a huge diaper a diaper spank is nothing. We'll wap their thighs.

I also have bought every child proofing item possible. The boys learn to open the front door and take off? Knob covers. The boys learn to open their dresser drawers and throw all the clothes on the floor? Drawer locks. HAHAHAHA!

At the same time, the basement is a playroom and anything goes. They can jump on the couch down there, pull every toy out, whatever they want. (Of course, no hitting, etc.)

And then there are days that nothing works. On those days we go for a drive, the park, the mall, a friend's house, anywhere but there. 90% of the time they are less "monsterous" out of the house then they are at home. And when dh gets home I get a drink, or two. lol

 

One thing that has helped me is putting definitions to character words then teaching the definitions.
Patience is quietly waiting your turn. Obedience is doing what you are told, when you are told, with a good attitude. ETc. I can give you all our definitions if you are interested. PM me.

I Repeat the definitions till i am blue in the face. Role play the positive outcome. Simple Example. Child is whining and begging for milk. You and DH can role play it out. DH plays the adult, you play the child. Twins watch and hopefully learn. You beg and whine and hang on DH's leg, begging for milk. DH says, Yes, you need to wait. be patient. then you can sit quietly and wait. DH praises you. and you get the milk.

throwing food is automatic permanent removal of plate. If they are hungry enough they will eat it. Same thing goes with painting their body with their food. It also helps alot to give smaller portions. I like to use the smallest scoop from Pampered chef. Sometimes they just don't want all that food on their plate so they toss it all off. they are still hungry but they only want one thing. Sometimes I give them the choice to eat meat or veggie, then I give the choice for them to feed self or mommy feed them like a little baby. they will usually eat the one thing by themselves. I scrape the other items off their plate onto mine.

I know how you feel, sometimes I want to run away! It's a very intense time.