I hope you don't mind that I'm posting in this forum (my boys won't be 5 until Nov.). Do you have a child that you can tell will be the kid who gets picked-on? My son Christopher, I feel, will be that kid. He's such a loving, goofy, wants everyone to be his best friend, kind of kid. But I've noticed in many different situations that he becomes the kid that is teased. My 9yr old nephew was staying with us for a week and I noticed that he and Ryan, C's twin would gang up on C. Honestly, I think C barely noticed. On the ride home after we dropped my nephew off and there was an instance where C got hurt. I took the opportunity to talk with both of them about sticking together. That their brothers and should speak up if one is getting hurt. R is the kid that all the other kids will follow just to see what he's going to do next, like curious George. Lol! He's more quiet and is able to step back and not be the 'look at me kid'. He's fine to not have kids play with him, where C wants to make friends. I know this all apart of grow up, but I want to help C, I'm just not sure how. At home Ryan is very dominant and Christopher is layed back willing to take what Ryan gives him, most times. Does this make sense? Am I reading to much into it?
I don't know about reading too much into it but I would be very very careful about projecting your fears onto him. In these social situations, just observe him. If HE becomes upset about something and seeks out your assistance then guide a brainstorming session on things he can do. If he doesn't though, I think it's safe to assume he's doing alright and is unaware of what's happening or doesn't care. I would also be careful about encouraging his brother to stick up for him. Frankly, it's not his brother's job and could just as likely foster resentment as anything else. It also projects the idea that Christopher isn't able to take care of himself. Allow the boys to develop their own positive relationship and most likely they'll take on the role of protecting each other without any outside help.
Sean is like that, my oldest. He's sensitive, caring, loving, not into rough housing or play fighting or sports at all. He's also incredibly smart, and more into building, working with electronics and mechano's than baseball or football. He was bullied in kindergarten. Another kid sat on him and put a stick to his temple and told him if he told anyone he would kill him. Thankfully another kid stepped in and shoved the kid off of Sean and helped him up. He had a small scratch on his temple, that's the only reason I even knew something had happened, I asked him what happened and it took a good 15 minutes for him to tell us what actually happened. I'm not sure there is anything you can do for them. There's always going to be kids that bully, and kids that get bullied. We do the best we can to explain to our kids what bullying looks like, and what they should do if they, or someone else, gets bullied. Explain about going to teachers or another adult figure, and to tell us what happened. ETA: I didn't mean to imply R is bullying C, I meant in the future, when they head to school, there's always going to be "mean" kids unfortunately! :gah:
Some really good points, thank you. I hope I'm not expressing my fears onto him, something to be aware of. Very good point about be careful to push Ryan into helping Christopher. I guess that was my way of telling each of them to be careful of participating in bullying against the other. But maybe I can have a more frank discussion on bullying. This is an area ive never really been good at. Thanks to both of you for the reminder that sometimes it's ok to step back and observe, also not an easy thing for me! )
My kids are still young so i don't have any parent advice. But i have some observations from childhood. My brother was much younger than me, i always thought he would get picked on i school. He was(is) sweet and gentle and frankly a little odd. He thrived in school.. he had an odd mix of friends and more girl friends (not girlfriends, just girl friends) than i could believe. I think the best you can do to prepare him is what you have already been doing... help him feel confident in himself. And if he does get teased, let him know that you, hope he won't let other people change the person he is. Make sure he knows, most teasing comes from jealousy and insecurity on the part of the teaser. It is good you are aware of the potential. sometimes kids surprise you. I hope that is the case with your son and Christopher finds his niche easily.
I agree with others--- step back and see if HE is bothered by the situation and/or if he seems to let events affect his reactions. Some Kids are OK with being loners, do their own thing, and/or more aware of differences.Others need some more social support to make them feel more confident/more comfortable/and-or have more socially acceptable behavior. Some proper behavior with older kids may need to be reviewed. Often some younger kids will reflect actions of older kids-- which is likely what happened when your older nephew visited. One twin modeled the behavior. DONT allow ganging up no matter what. 3 is a funny number of kids and add one older one and somehow that can lead to a 2 on 1 situation like you stated. I agree with keeping the 'watch your brother' as a mandate- with the exception of being hurt and/or bullying. It is a fine line that is likely going to have to be reviewed adn tested (what is and what is not OK). A bond and thoughts of 'watching over' a brother may also lead to learned helplessness on the 'watched'. A bond is much more likely to develop naturally if allowed too-- play cooperative games with them as teams, do team building activities, and/or encourage completing projects or ideas together. If you split them in preschool/K you may also find they each find a niche and/or develop some social personality that works for themselves. I would watch the dynamic next time with the nephew as well.
