Do singleton moms treat you differently?

Okay, so a little vent. I had 3 singletons b-4 I had the twins, and no one ever really told me what to do, or how I should handle certain situations. Usually other moms were more like, "Yeah, I deal with that, I'm sorry." or, "When you figure that out let me know cuz I don't know either."

Then when the twins were babies it was a lot of, "Wow, you're all still alive and healthy. Good job."

Now that they're 3 1/2 (they'll be 4 in January! How'd they do that so fast?) I've been getting a lot of, "Well you should do this, and you sould do that, and so and so who I knew who had twins in a different state a dozen years ago did it this way, you should be like her!" Well, I have news for these people, I'm NOT her! I don't live in that state, and things are different now than they were then! Grrrrrr!

Recently I was in a room full of moms just having a conversation. I had vented that I was annoyed at someone for thinking they know better how to handle my children than I do, and suddenly all of them were all over me about how to raise my children, and what my responsibilities are as a twin mom.

There were way too many situations all summed up for me in that 5 minutes than I can even remember. But a couple of things that I'm curious about that I was chewed out for (that I'm not even sure I'll have to deal with for that matter. sheesh!) are things like carpools and co-op pre-schools.

I would like other twin mom's opinions on these matters.


1. Do you think that a twin mom should have to drive twice as much as other moms in a carpool because she has 2 children the same age?

2. Do you think that twin moms should teach twice as much in a co-op preschool? (By this I mean a pre-school that is totally run by the moms of the children, not associated with any other pre-school at all.)

I have my opinions, but I don't want to influence anyone. I just want to know what you think. I'll share my opinion later.

Thanks!

 

Hmmmm...okay...initially I'll say this. When I have to sign up for something for daycare/preschool such as parties or things that they ask parents to contribute, I sign up for each of my children...that kind of thing. For birthday parties where all of three of my children are invited, I also bring three gifts(they may not cost what I could pay had I only one child, but I feel that each of my children should and, in fact, want to bring a gift). I believe for events/things that are affected by the number of children, then I do "my" share, but that's just my personal feeling.

However, if you are going to the same school, I don't see that carpooling is dictated by the number of children each parent has, but that each parent does a rotation for that location.

As far as the teaching, I would probably teach twice as much because that to me is more numbers based (as opposed to the above scenario that is more location based). I hope that all made sense.

 

Not much time to write... but I vote no, you should not have to drive twice as much as the other moms for carpooling. To me carpooling is by family, not kid. However, yes - I'd probably say you should teach twice as much as other parents, because that seems to be a by kid (rather than by family) thing.

Hang in there on the unsolicited advice. I get it too, and try to tell myself that people are telling me what I should or shouldn't do with twins (and using their cousin's twins or neighbor's twins as an example) because they're trying to connect and seem relevant.

 

I'm giving my opinions before reading the other responses so I'm not tainted by their ideas! :laughing:

1. Yes. A mom with two kids in a carpool drives twice as often as someone with one kid. A carpool has its limits based on the number of kids a car can handle, it has nothing to do with them being the same age.

2. Yes. A mom with two kids in a class should parent help/parent teach/clean the rooms/ pay twice as much as a parent with one kid. BUT most programs like this only make the parent with twins do 1.5 X as mcuh work. But if you have kids in two different classes then you do twice as much.

I have never understood the "twins are so expensive" mentality. They cost the same as singletons, you just have two at the same time. Unless you have singletons very close in age the big ticket items can't be passed down (ie, a carseat. And if they are too close in age even that wouldn't work!) School doesn't cost any more for twins, you just pay it at the same time. I don't believe twins should get any special consideration that regular siblings wouldn't get.

As for unsolicited parenting advice?? Yikes, I imagine just the opposite would happen. That folks would feel free to give advice for singletons but heck, who the h@ll knows how to deal with twins than someone who has them?? Just like I would never, ever presume to understand what it is like to be a triplet mom. Could you even imagine what that would be like? So why would I think I have any answers for them. But if you are moaning and groaning about how hard it is then they might just be trying to help and only have good intentions, kwim.

Now off to read the other comments to see if my thinking is the mainstream! Good luck and I'm happy to hear other folks vent. I think this is a great place to do. :youcandoit:

eta- not going to fix typos but I guess my answers are off. My twins are only 3 and my youngest but I haven't felt the frustrations of cost/volunteer work/etc. I have struggled with a zillion other things, but not that. :laughing: :FIFblush:

 

I would say yes, I would drive & teach twice as much since there are two kids. I also sign up for each child when asked to bring food for a party, take two presents when both are invited to birthday parties, etc. I treat each situation exactly as I would if they were two siblings of different ages.

 

I do agree with others, I would probably drive twice as much in the carpool, and twice as much teaching/helping at the school. If you had two kids in seperate classrooms, or seperate carpools you would have to do everything twice, so i think its only fair.
I have not yet bought 2 presents from my kids at birthday parties, but as they get older I probably will. I notice when I have had birthday parties for my kids, some people bring one present for my kids to share and some bring two (and I dont get worked up either way).

 

1. Do you think that a twin mom should have to drive twice as much as other moms in a carpool because she has 2 children the same age?

2. Do you think that twin moms should teach twice as much in a co-op preschool? (By this I mean a pre-school that is totally run by the moms of the children, not associated with any other pre-school at all.)

I have my opinions, but I don't want to influence anyone. I just want to know what you think. I'll share my opinion later.

Thanks!
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1. I don't think you should drive twice as much in carpool. To me, carpool is a family thing rather than a per-child thing. If you were carpooling to elementary school, would a family with 3 kids in different grades drive three times as much? I don't think so because even if you didn't carpool, you wouldn't be driving twice as much as the other moms just because you have twins or 2 kids or whatever.

2. Yes, I think you should teach more at a co-op preschool than a mom of a single child. There are only so many kids in the class and the teaching work should be divided evenly on a per-child basis. Your children are taking up twice as many spots as singletons so therefore you should teach the equivalent amount--twice as much. If you didn't teach twice as much, that would mean the other moms would have to teach more than they normally would because someone would have to make up for the slack.

 

I looked in to a co-op preschool last year. It would have been for all three of my girls, so I would have been required to take three turns...which was nearly everyday. It wasn't about their ages but about having three.

For the carpool - I think it depends on the exact situation. If you are trading with just one other mom - say one is doing dropoff & one pick up every day that seems fair and I don't think you should have to do twice as much. But if there are multiple families rotating in a situation where if the carpool had just one child from each family the other moms would have to drive less, then yes, I think you should take two turns.
As far as listending to the "my neighbor's BIL's co-worker's friend had twins in 1964 and did X this way...well, I wouldn't put to much stock in that. But I do agree with the pp that said they are probably just trying to make conversation and relate.

 

I'd say no for carpooling, but I've never heard of it being done so I'm not sure how it works exactly.

Definitely yes for the teaching part though.

 

Just something to keep in mind. Twins are more expensive for the parents who were planning on having only one child. Not all parents out there were planning on having two kids to pay for things for whether at the same time or at separate times.

 

True. I hear what you are saying about parents who were looking for an only child. I don't think anyone *plans* on twins. That said parents of twins or of accidental children can't begrudge the world the cost of those kids.

Someone once said to me, when I was complaining about not ever having wanted 4 kids, that that is the risk you take every time you have sex. You can't complain about the consequences when you know them full well ahead of time. Ouch. It hurt to hear, but I realize now its true. (Except as a lesbian it wasn't sex that got me into this "trouble!" :laughing: )

 

That is true, but you also can't financially prepare yourself for that 1/300 (ID twins) chance that you'll have twins. So, for us, while we were financially prepared for adding a 2nd child to our family - we were not at all prepared for the expense of the 3rd child. I think it is totally fair to be allowed to whine to someone about the added expenses if they are a friend or family who cares to listen!

I'd sure hate to use that reasoning with a family who had a child with significant medical needs, though by that rationale it applies. Everyone (usually) prepares themselves for one, healthy, typical child - that just isn't always what we get!

 

I will definitely say that I have lost a few friends ones I was really close to with having twins. But the funny thing is I have two older singletons that I need to relate to someone else with but cant. It is sad and depressing but I think I am slowly warming up to the idea that most singleton moms are just envious of my situation.

First I have 2 sets of boys and 2 sets of girls. I always get asked questions about how I deal with my twins and the kids 24/7. When I had just the older two no questions. It seemed like no one really cared.

Long story short.... You will get treated different but dont let it bother you. You are above it. It is fun though to come to TWINSTUFF.COM and vent though at least everyone can relate lol