Do I need counseling, or is this normal?

OK fellow Twin Moms,

This is something I just can't get parenting advice on from my friends who have singletons. This may be long, but I truly need some help and advice. My girls are 4.5 months old, no developmental problems that I can tell, they both seem happy, eat wel, STTN, etc. They were born at 36 weeks.

C was 5lbs and healthy apgars, so she came right to my room with me. A was 4lbs, and had low apgars, and was taken directly to the NICU. She stayed there for 2.5 weeks, due to feeding issues. At my hospital, C wasn't allowed in the NICU while she was a patient in the labor/delivery ward, and there was also no central nursery where I could send her. I was also recovering from my c-section. So, while I wanted to get up to see A more often, I rarely saw her more than twice a day while in the hospital, and once a day only for a couple hours afterwards while she was still in the NICU.

Suffice it to say, I have an immensely close bond with C. She and I just get each other. She is smiley, darling, and loves to be with me and held. However, I still don't feel bonded in nearly the same way with A. At first, I didn't even have any love feelings for her. She was not a cute baby, she was refluxy, and her cry brought angst instead of sympathy from me. Things got better when she came home, but I truly expected to feel much more love for her by now than I do.

Just now, I laid her down for a nap. She started crying, fussing herself to sleep. If C did this, I would feel pity for her, want to rub her back or keep her up just a little longer to snuggle. But since it was A, my instintual response was to be annoyed. I wanted to pick her up and shake her, yell "be quiet!". Of course, I didn't - I patted her back for awhile, but felt horrible the whole time I did it, because I knew I didn't really want to. I didn't feel like comforting her, she just annoyed me!

It's at a point where I am feeling guilty for adoring C so much, because I only have strong like feelings for A. I guess deep down I do love her, but I hardly ever feel it. She is cuter now, and is smiling so I really like her a lot of the time. But it is just nothing like the overwhelming love I feel for C.

I know if the girls weren't twins that I would feel more for A. That I would have been able to focus solely on her babyhood, even if I didn't have the same bond with her as with C, it would be stronger, more instincutal. We did IVF to get pregnant, and so I wonder, was it my fault that I didn't give both girls an opportunity to be singletons? (I know, I didn't have the option to choose here, it's just that is how I think about it sometimes and it makes me wonder if I'm going a bit crazy).

So... do you think I need to see a counselor? I really don't know what to do. I just don't know... Help? Thanks.

 

at 4.5 months, no I wouldn't say your feelings are abnormal. My kids are 3.5 years old and I still have different responses to my kids. Don't be so hard on yourself. A downfall of twins is the comparison and not having that 1 on 1 time.

give yourself a break and some time.

If you want to go to a counselor I think you should but I really don't think it is necessarily indicated at this point.

(BTW, I am a counselor)

 

:grouphug: Huge hugs! Having a baby taken away from you right after birth and placed in the NICU is just SO hard on your emotions, and in my experience it is much harder to bond. Hannah was my only NICU baby, 35 weeker, stayed in for 10 days, and it took me much longer to 'feel' anything for her. It was very upsetting to me, and I also had serious PPD after I had her.

Personally, I don't think it would hurt to talk to a counselor, or maybe just your OB or GP, and see what they think. The guilt, feeling at fault, etc could all be signs of depression and I encourage anyone that is showing any signs of depression at all to seek help.

I will say I have a different bond with each of my kids, and I think that is fairly normal.

:hug: You are such a good mom for reaching out and talking about it.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but I am very concerned for you in what you mentioned what you wanted to do when you felt irritated. Yes, I think you need to see a counselor. A MEDICAL PSYCHIATRIST MD. Quickly.

Being irritated a bit is normal. but, what you described on what you 'felt' like doing is scary. Really, really scary.

it is normal to bond with kids quickly but that feeling is abnormal. I don't get it. Even if I'm irritated, Even when I'm tired, exhausted, flustered, ever since having the kids my heart leaps out in sympathy even when I hear Someone Else's baby cry.

Perhaps since you didn't have the bonding at first somehow your body didn't bond and you are on some level not recognizing A as your baby.

I am less concerned with the differences in bonding than your feelings of irritation. Perhaps it is that B is more interactive. But how you felt IN your irritation is abnormal.

Just a thought- I didnt' know this but I went through Postpartem ANXIETY which can manifest in different ways. Not postpartem Depression, which we've all heard about, so I didn't know what was wrong with me. Perhaps you are going through something postpartem.

Anyway, see someone QUICKLY if you are having any, even remote thoughts of harming your child.

At the very least, see someone quickly before you miss out on bonding and growing your relationship with A.

And yes, I commend you on being open enough and asking about it and for help. But now time to take it to the next level and get help (for the irritation reactions)

 

First of all I'd like to say that I think that you are brave for writing your post...if you were here I'd give you a hug! I have 2 teenagers and now the twins. It is perfectly normal to have a different relationship with each and every child. I would try real hard to spend some quality time with A. I would also talk to your regular dr about some meds to help you "relax" I take some, and believe me on the "hard days" my teenagers or my hubby will simply ask..."did you take your meds today?" I know that they do it in a loving manner.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for here , and I pray that there are NO NEGATIVE post! All 4 of my guys ended up in the NICU. It is tough when they are there.

You can PM anytime if you would like,

Missy

:hug:

 

I think maybe you should talk to someone. I had a very hard time bonding with my boys (both of them) and I was eventually diagnosed ppd. I feel much better now and am truly in love with my boys. It took time for me to come to this point. I do think you should call someone because you don't need to feel like that, there is help.

 

I'm going to admit something I felt terrible about: I did love one of my sons more than the other. Nate came home with us, and Jack had to spend 18 days in NICU (due to IUGR), so I bonded with Nate and only saw Jack once a day after I was discharged from the hospital. Even after Jack came home, Nate just seemed cuter (Jack would make these horrible faces sometimes) and Jack would make those preemie "goat" noises all night long (even while sleeping) so we couldn't get any rest. I would preferentially pick Nate up in the mornings and let DH get Jack.

Sometimes I really felt like I had to work at loving (or pretending to love) Jack. This makes me tear up just thinking about it.

But I found as the months went on that my feelings really changed. I would put extra effort into spending time with Jack (giving him cute nicknames, singing to him, trying to enjoy him) and this effort I put into our relationship paid off. I started to love him just as much, but in a very different way than Nate. It was a gradual process.

People talk about how love for your infant is so instinctive, but I don't think that's always entirely accurate. Love takes time to grow, and relationships take work, even with babies. By all means, go to a counselor if you think it will help you get through this, but you should know that you're not alone in feeling differently about your two very different children.

 

:hug: first i want to say that i think it's perfectly normal to bond better with one baby over the other - in fact, i've read that humans are biologically programmed to bond with one baby at a time! so it can be tough when you have more than one.

second, i think there can be no harm at all in talking to your GP about how you're feeling so that s/he can help you decide where to go from here. maybe there's nothing at all to worry about! on the other hand, if there is something more serious going on & you don't seek help for it, you'll be suffering & struggling needlessly. KUP. :hug:

 

I would say it's normal, but something you need to be conscious of and work on getting past. You haven't done anything wrong, and you can't help the factors that led to you feeling this way. But there are things that you can do, and that I think you should do, to try to strengthen your bond with A. It would probably happen on its own eventually, and you shouldn't stress out too much about scarring her for life or anything, but the sooner you can start feeling attached to her the happier you will all be.

So -- whenever possible, hold her while she's sleeping or just being calm. Especially, hold her with skin-to-skin contact. Try to play with her and focus on the positive things she does.

QUOTE
People talk about how love for your infant is so instinctive, but I don't think that's always entirely accurate. Love takes time to grow, and relationships take work, even with babies. By all means, go to a counselor if you think it will help you get through this, but you should know that you're not alone in feeling differently about your two very different children.

Totally agree with this. And also that we're not really programmed to bond to two (or more) children at once. I used to daydream about how connected I would be to either of my kids if they were my onlies. I wouldn't have wanted to give either of them up, but I wanted each of them to have that alone time with me. It just isn't possible with twin newborns, but it will come gradually.

It would also be a good idea to see a counselor to be evaluated for PPD or anxiety. I had mild PPD for about 5 months after my twins were born, and while it didn't really impact my functioning, it did impact my feelings toward them and my ability to bond with them. I saw a counselor for a couple of months and was about to start medication, but around 5 months PP the cloud just sort of lifted. Life with my babies also got a lot more fun, which was partly a cause and partly a result of the cloud lifting. My counselor told me, when the babies were about 3 months old, that I would probably feel a lot different at 6 months and she was right. I hope the same is true for you, but in the meantime it can't hurt to be proactive.

FWIW, I didn't take your comment about wanting to shake her as being meant literally. I would have said that about either of my babies (in particular one of them) and not ever meant that I truly thought of harming her. If you did mean it literally, then I agree that you should see a counselor (who specializes in PPD) right away, but as a figure of speech it didn't concern me that much.

Also FWIW, the baby who exasperated me the most at birth has turned out to be the one that I actually have a stronger bond with (even though she still exasperates me more than her sister does!). Things change so quickly that the way you feel at 4 months can't really predict how you'll feel later.

Big hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. No, I didn't literally mean I would shake her... that is just the feeling I had as opposed to the desire to pat or hug C for doing the same thing. Sort of a prickly emotional response to A vs. a cuddly emotional response to C. In those moments when I am feeling on edge, I know to just turn around and leave the room so I would never, ever, actually harm one of my kids. I could have chosen better words to decribe that feeling.

Thank you so much, and it's nice to know I am not alone in this. Thank you for your ideas of spending special one-on-one time with A. And maybe I'll see my OB just to make sure I am not having PPD or PPA. Thank you.

 

QUOTE(stacya @ May 15 2009, 02:36 PM) [snapback]1315340[/snapback]
she was refluxy, and her cry brought angst instead of sympathy from me.


One of my boys was high needs. He was refluxy and just fussy all the time. There were days I could not put him down all day. And I too felt angst instead of sympathy when he cried. I definately preferred his (at the time) cuter, calmer brother.
Now they are a year old and I have a complete bond with both. Adam grew out of his reflux and is just as cute as his brother. He is much easier to get smiles and laughs out of. Give it some time and I think you will love A just as much as C.
As far as thinking it is your fault you did not give them a chance to be singletons, since twins can spontaneously occur, it's obvious to me that not all babies were meant to be singletons.

 

QUOTE(stacya @ May 15 2009, 05:52 PM) [snapback]1315482[/snapback]
And maybe I'll see my OB just to make sure I am not having PPD or PPA. Thank you.

Stacy, I hope you do, even if it's just to put your mind at ease. :hug:

 

Both of my boys spent a month in the nicu and although I loved them very much right off the bat, I didn't feel an emotional bond until they came home. Even then, I was still in survival mode and wasn't focused on that. When they were 3/4 months I found myself having to care more for Jake, which made me resent him a little. It switched back and forth frequently and around 11 months, I felt the same way toward Ryan (he was biting a lot and took a lot of work).

Is there anyone who can watch C while you spend some one on one time with A? Maybe a girls day shopping would be nice!

I too think you should talk to a professional about your concerns. As Becky said, at least to rule it out.

 

I don't know if others feel like this, but the one I am more "bonded" to changes from time to time, depending on what stage we're in, or even from day to day at times.
During the newborn phase, it was Ainsley who I felt a little more bonded to, and she was the one who stayed in the NICU. Maybe because I felt like I had to make up for lost time with her, also because Bea had terrible colic and was generally an unpleasant baby to be around. She screamed all day long, and it was hard on me. Then Bea's colic subsided, and Ainsley started going through a clingy phase and I was the only person (literally, not even DH) could hold her. So that started to wear on me, and I felt more bonded with Bea. And back and forth, during different stages. Their personalities are not etched in stone either, so don't think that your more "difficult" baby is going to be the more difficult child, or that you won't have fun with her later.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor either. I also went through IVF, and I think the guilt can be magnified when you go through that because we worked so hard, this is what we wanted, etc, so it's tough when it's not all sunshine and roses and we're not loving every minute of it. :hug:

 

:hug: to you!

I can relate to some of how you feel - I get much more irritated with one of my twins, interestingly this twin is the closest to my personality.

And I agree with the poster who didn't feel "instant" love with her babies. I would read about this gush of emotion after the babies were born, I didn't feel it, some days I still don't feel it. I may have had a touch of ppd, because i would leave the house and not miss them. I still seldom miss them...in part because I am still processing my "world order" where everyone comes first but me (i know that sounds terrible).

While i don't think it's necessary that you see a counselor at this point, it may be help you sort out your feelings. Maybe you are angry at the baby that was in the NICU and higher needs. A counselor can help you work through that anger.

:hug:

 

I had some trouble bonding with both of my girls at first. Just due to the fact that I didnt get to see them very much for the first 2 weeks after they were born because I was in the hospital and they were at home. Once I got home I would frequently feel terrible because I just didnt feel the bond with them that I had with my first son. I think that having twins is so difficult in the first 4 months that all you think about is getting some sleep and of course you feel frustration towards your babies because they are the reason you are so exausted. I felt really bad that I didnt feel that bond with them so I made it a point to hold them a lot more and just look at them and talk to them, try to get them to smile, and for me it helped tremendously. When you see your baby smiling and looking at you like you are the most wonderful person in the world, it makes you feel really special. I think by about 4 months our bond was just as good as the bond between my son and I. Now everytime they even cry or if Im not holding them, I feel terrible because I feel like they think I dont love them. Maybe if you force yourself to spend more time with your baby and just share all the good moments, Im sure it would help.

 

QUOTE(Snittens @ May 15 2009, 06:14 PM) [snapback]1315522[/snapback]
I don't know if others feel like this, but the one I am more "bonded" to changes from time to time, depending on what stage we're in, or even from day to day at times.

I feel the same way! I think it changes by which one I am holding at the moment or who really needs me more at that time.

:hug: You need a big hug.

I think because you are asking here if what you are feeling is normal then it won't hurt if you do talk to a counselor or professional. Just to ease your mind a little more. Good luck.

 

My boys were in NICU for 21 days and I've had real trouble bonding with them. This was partially due to PPD and an illness but also just the whole exhausting process. It's becoming easier now that they're showing more of their personalities and interacting more. I do have a favorite, though, which is inevitable, I believe. I try to spend real time holding andtion - bonding with both of them. As to the OP question - do I need counseling or is this normal - I'd say yes and yes! I'm meeting with a counselor and we talk about the ambivalencies of motherhood in general as well as twin issues.

 

Hi Stacya,

Hope your feeling ok today? I'm glad you posted how you've been feeling and i'm glad that you are going to discuss this with your dr, it can't hurt can it.

Just wanted to share that i can relate to how your feeling. Our situations are soooo similar it's strange! Not only do our l/o's share the same birth date, there both 36wkers conceived via IVF and unfortunately we were both seperated from one of our lo's while they were in NICU. Like you it has had a major effect on how i bonded with Ruby, i saw her once in the op room after the section that i didn't expect to have.. then she was whipped away and i couldn't get to see her for 4 days. When i did she was in an incubator and i didn't have skin to skin like with Amber and the breast feeding went out the window, i pumped but could only manage a fortnight. I am positive that i love my daughter, it was never in question just that the strong bond i was able to form with Amber from day 1 was taken away from Ruby and me and i'm sure it's natural to feel loss and not as close to the baby that you never got that special time with. Like your lo, Ruby was hardwork, very colicky and refluxy and being jst 3lb5 she jst wasn't the cute little baby i expected to see. Obviously all these issues and feelings broke/break my heart. My daughter is amazing and is a very happy baby 95% of the time but for some reason i feel like something is missing and i cant help but feel guilty and i am overly anxious all the time, i worry about silly things too much. You have given me a kick up the rear end anyway, i am going to speak with my dr too. Maybe not the exact same problem but similar issues. I am more concerened by my anxiety than anything else as my relationship with Ruby is now blossoming but i feel sick to my stomach when Paul leaves, as much as i cope every day without him i just feel rubbish at this and that my daughters may be suffering because of how i feel. so thankyou for posting.

Sorry this is all over the place it's hard to describe how i feel..my brain is like mush lol



Anyway take good care and pm if you ever wish to chat.

 

As a former doula, I want you to seriously consider talking to your doctor about these feelings.

As a mother of three month old twins, I can tell you that I felt a more immediate love for my non-NICU girl baby than I did for my covered-with-wires-and-tubes boy baby. There were a lot of reasons. She was roly-poly, looked like me, did not have any wires or tubes to impede our cuddling....He was skinny, made terrible faces, was covered with crap, and his dad was always hogging him anyway.

Now, I have different loves for them just like I have different loves for their older brother and sister. They are all the same intensity and importance, just different.

It cannot hurt to discuss this with your doctor.

 

QUOTE
Just now, I laid her down for a nap. She started crying, fussing herself to sleep. If C did this, I would feel pity for her, want to rub her back or keep her up just a little longer to snuggle. But since it was A, my instintual response was to be annoyed. I wanted to pick her up and shake her, yell "be quiet!". Of course, I didn't - I patted her back for awhile, but felt horrible the whole time I did it, because I knew I didn't really want to. I didn't feel like comforting her, she just annoyed me!

:grouphug: I can relate to this. One of my boys just couldn't learn to nurse. Well, the LC could get him latched, but I couldn't - I felt like a failure as a mother and resented this little baby for it. Then he ended up being quicker to move towards a single night-time feeding, while the "easier" baby woke at every sound - so my feelings of resentment changed. Then they flipped again, and the terrible nurser but better sleeper became a terrible sleeper who woke us at 5:00 am to start the day. But he was the better eater, willing to try new foods, while his brother is picky. See how it changes and evolves over time, even now that mine are 5 years old?

There are times I left the room nearly exploding with the urge to scream at the little baby who just couldn't control his tears. Like you, I knew it was ridiculous to be angry with a baby who is using his/her only tool for communicating, but that didn't stop my resentment. If anyone tells you that they haven't had to put a crying/screaming/whiny baby down and walk away to gather themselves, I'd be tempted to call them a liar.

Having been in your position, I made a specific effort to spend one-on-one time with the un-favored baby. Take only her to the store with you while DH stays home with the other. Go to her first if they are both crying. Seek out her "currency," those little things that make her baby that are different from her sibling.

 

I am so glad you posted this. I have the same issue and it makes me so depressed but I think it's totally normal. Especially after only four months, your body is just not back to normal yet and it could be postpartum depression, which can last for quite some time. Plus one thing I have learned in my short time as being a mom is that every child is different and you have to learn as a parent how to deal with the different emotions of two children.

I have B/G twins that are 17 weeks old, born at 34 weeks. My son was in the hospital for three weeks. I couldn't wait to take him home. I thought all I would do is hug and love on him when we came home because, I also had a c-section and it hurt just to walk to the NICU let alone pick both kids up with a big gash on my stomach. But, when I got home I just didn't care. I can't explain it, I think I felt so bad leaving my girl behind that I couldn't enjoy him. When our daughter came home after four weeks I had a much different feeling. I wanted to be with her all the time. Her cries didn't bother me, her waking in the middle of the night didn't bother me but with my son it did. I could look in my daughters eyes and just get her, understood what she needed. I didn't tell anyone, I just pretended that I wasn't bothered. But I finally broke down, just last week, and told my mom my feelings. It helped so much telling someone. Her suggestion was anti-depressants, which I was never a fan of but I knew I had to get rid of these feeling quickly. I have now been on the anti-depressants for over a week and I can already tell a difference. I am still not quite where I would like to be with my son but it's quickly getting better.

If you need anyone you can email me anytime. Sometimes you just need to talk about and I have my day where I need to talk about it too

hugs and kisses,
Sommer Martin

 

I think that your emotions are within the realm of normal. My little girl who I am closer to know than my son was very fussy. She would cry at night and I would get very irritated and not neccesarily go comfort her. My boy would cry and I would instantly go in and comfort him. I think I did that because I knew she was a fusser and that she was not really needing me. Now whe is super loving and always wants to be held and I feel a stronger connection to her than I do her brother. I think it comes in cycles.

If I were you I would quite analyzing your self so much and give things a chance. If you feel like you need to speak to someone about it than I would, but don't judge yourself so harshly.

 

((((HUGS)))) and I too commend you for your honesty. It takes courage to open up about feelings like this, and I think it was really wise of you to reach out rather than just wondering.
Like another poster mentioned I've felt more bonded to one baby but it tends to change. My boys both roomed in with me at the hospital though and came home with me so we got off to a different start without the NICU ordeal and initial-bonding discrepancy you had to go through.
I do think talking to a counselor about this would be helpful; someone who specializes in postpartum issues would be ideal, if you can find them. Most MDs are not skilled counselors so I'm not sure if that would be my first choice unless you have one who you really trust to talk about these issues with, or at least to get a referral from them to someone in your area who could evaluate you for PPA or PPD. A counselor could help you process the feelings and also suggest ways you could seek a better bond with A. The other's suggestion of trying to spend one on one time, come up with cute nicknames for her and find other ways to dote on her (and make her smile! ) would likely help the bonding feelings to grow. ((((hugs))))

 

I also commend you on writing this post as I know how hard it must have been to admit this :hug:

I went through exactly the same thing with my DD. She was taken from me once she was born and I didnt meet her until the next day. She was in an incubator and left to cry and I still feel today that is why she is so sensitive. I met DS 2 hours after giving birth to him. I really feel that influenced me bonding with DD. She also cried a lot and I would step away and let the nanny or MIL deal with her as I couldnt feel I could cope. I had the same anxiety and feelings of pure frustration as you have. I should have gone to see my GP but stupidly didn´t. I would like to reassure you and say that things do get better and I have bonded with my DD. I also second, or third, talking to a doctor as you may have PPD. I didnt take my feelings seriously enough and suppressed them which, looking back, wasn´t the wise thing to do.

I also did IVF but dont feel guilty about having twins, it is extremely hard work and the sleep deprivation doesnt help things. I often wondered what it would have been like just having one but I can tell you that it does get better and you will bond. Go & see your doctor. Hugs and KUP.