Dividing Time

So my twin boys are currently 6 weeks old and have two totally different personalities. One twin is very content and hardly ever cries. My other twin is the opposite and when he is upset he will let you know. It is almost as if he is having a tantrum when he gets really upset and tightens his whole body to the point where he is actually standing (of course with help) and will scream. Even during the middle of a feeding he will scream bloody murder if you take his bottle away to give him a chance to burp. He had been crying in the evenings and I thought it had gotten better when I switched to the dr. brown bottles. But these past fews day he has been crying for hours and nothing seems to sooth him and he eventually passes out in my arms. I'm not sure if maybe he is going through a growth spurt because after his 2pm feeding of 5 oz he cried uncontrollably 2 hours later for two hours them we gave him another 5 oz and then he screemed again after a half hour, so then we gave him another 3 oz and then he started crying again after a half hour and eventually passed out in my lap and has slept through his 12pm usual feeding (So I am thinking if he was going through a growth spurt he wouldn't have missed his feeding unless he is so tired from crying so much). I have tried letting him sleep right away after his 2pm feeding thinking maybe he was overtired to keeping him up and he still seems to get really fussy around 4:30 these past few days. But I just feel horrible that I am constantly holding my one twin more than the other because he is more demanding. He gets so upset that some times it is hard to hold him so I can't even hold both at the same time. I just feel so guilty that I am not splitting my time evenly, not to mention that I am exclusively pumping 10x a day for 20-30min at a time and the pump feels like my third child. I feel like if his fussiness contiunes I might have to stop pumping since I just can't keep up with it all, but I can't let go of this pumping thing because I feel like if I do not give them breastmilk then they will get sick and I will feel guilty knowing that I might have been able to prevent it. I'm sorry I am rambling I am just so torn and keep thinking if I wasn't pumping them I would have more time to spend with my other twin, but then if I stop pumping then they will get sick. I am so paranoid thinking that they will get sick and it will turn into something serious since we tried so long and hard to finally be able to have kids. How do you guys divide your time between them both evenly?

 

My advice is simple - Dont worry they will take turns. We always have one twin who is more "high needs" than the other, and they switch roles. 6 weeks old they really just need their basic needs met change em, feed em, burp em, and let em sleep. You are in survival mommy! dont worry about how much you arent holding one, pat yourself on the back for the MANY good things you are doing!! I promise it wont always be this way, it will get better, it will be more fun, and you will feel like you are spending time with them as evenly as possible.
hang in there!

 

Yep, same advice at the pp. Try not to stress. Derek was my high needs baby with terrible reflux and all around grouchy. I had to carry him all the time or he just wasnt happy. Finally he snapped out of it and then Tyler wanted more attention. So they switched on and off for me. I really liked the book Happiest Baby on the Block. It gave me some great soothing techniques for cranky babies.

Also what really gave me comfort was the fact that they will never remember who needed more attention and why. For me, it was just about survival at that age and trying to keep everyone happy. I pumped for 4 months for the boys and I totally know what you mean about being attached to the pump. I am sorry that you are worried about them getting sick. Try and take the pressure off yourself you are doing the best job that you can and that it all that you can ask of yourself. :hug:

 

I agree with the poster above that you should get, "The Happiest Baby on the Block." We bought the DVD on Amazon. It is worth every penny! Our boy is after our attention all the time and cries if he doesn't get it IMMEDIATELY, while our girl could care less. At first, I had the same issues as you, but realized that our girl is happy and it is impossible to divide our time 50-50.

 

have you looked into the possibility that he might have silent reflux? some babies respond to the reflux by continuing to eat and eat and eat because the fullness of their tummy relieves the pain a little. if he's crying during feedings and behaving so upset, he might have a reflux issue brewing.

QUOTE(waitingpaitently20 @ Jan 23 2009, 01:23 AM) [snapback]1158518[/snapback]
I feel like if his fussiness contiunes I might have to stop pumping since I just can't keep up with it all, but I can't let go of this pumping thing because I feel like if I do not give them breastmilk then they will get sick and I will feel guilty knowing that I might have been able to prevent it. I'm sorry I am rambling I am just so torn and keep thinking if I wasn't pumping them I would have more time to spend with my other twin, but then if I stop pumping then they will get sick. I am so paranoid thinking that they will get sick and it will turn into something serious since we tried so long and hard to finally be able to have kids. How do you guys divide your time between them both evenly?


i went through exactly this. i didn't want to stop pumping because i felt guilty that i'd delivered 6 1/2 weeks early, and i felt like i'd failed to carry them to term so i damn well wasn't going to fail to provide breastmilk. ultimately, though, i had to decide what made me a better mommy. there's more to caring for these babies than just breastmilk. both of my boys have severe reflux and the pump was occupying me when they really needed 100% of my attention. i ended up committing to 3 months of pumping, and then we transitioned to formula. i was incredibly torn over the decision and did a lot of crying over it, but in the end i think it was the right decision. i feel like i can mother them better when i'm not holding them a foot out from my body to make room for the pumping flanges, when i can hold them indefinitely after a feeding because i don't have to jump up and start pumping right away.

ultimately it's a decision only you can make. i totally understand how you feel, and in the end you may choose to make a different decision from the one i made. but if you're feeling stressed and guilty and torn, and you feel like it all comes down to pumping, then pumping may have to be something you let go. you can make a gradual transition, even, which is what i did. i went from full-time pumping to pumping every other feeding and supplementing with formula. that way they were still getting mommy's milk but i still had time to care for them the way i wanted to.

there are thousands and thousands and thousands of beautiful, healthy people walking this planet who were raised on formula. just because breastmilk may be "best" that doesn't make the alternative "bad." your babies will not automatically get sick if you transition to formula.

good luck. try not to beat yourself up over this. you're not failing them if you make a decision that allows you to mommy them the way they need to be mommied. and it's not an all or nothing decision, you can make gradual changes until you find a balance that suits you.

 

We also have one twin who is a lot more vocal and demanding (though sometimes they'll switch roles for a day or a few hours ) and I've felt guilty about holding the calmer twin less. The pp's advice makes sense though! And when people want to come visit or come help, my plan is to let them hold the more"demanding" twin so I can spend a little quality time with the quieter twin. That's one way I've thought of to even things out a little.

 

And I'm only pumping 4-5 times a day but I know what you mean; I commented to DH that when I pump (except for the maybe one time a day I get to do it when he has the babies), it's like having triplets! It's frustrating. I do want the babies to get at least some breastmilk but it's hard to even find the time to pump and it means less time available for anything else ... including time to simply hold them (rather than just change, feed, burp, put down and pick up the other one ...).

 

I agree with pp (previous posts) they will switch and then the other one will want your attention down the road. But I would also keep an eye out for milk allergy common signs are Reflux arching back/ rash on face/ diarrhea/ low weight gain/ not sleeping through the night STTN / extreem fussiness/ etc. keep this in mind just in case....

 

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions, it is nice to know that I am not alone. I went out and rented the Happiest Baby on the Block and have been using his techniques and so far it seems to be working (knock on wood). I hope it lasts. I am going to ask the dr. on friday about the reflux, just to make sure. I think I might drop down to 8 pumps this week and see how that goes so I am able to get more sleep and spend more time with them. This is just so much harder then I ever imagined, but very rewarding.

 

I am so glad that things seem to be improving. Keep up the good work!! :good:

 

My heart goes out to you after reading your post. We went through very similar experiences with our DD's. I can assure you it DOES get better. One of our girls also needed more attention due to extreme fussiness, difficult feedings, and frequent discomfort. We discovered she had reflux at 8 weeks and started her on medicine (Zantac). So far she's responding well and seems like an entirely different baby. She'll still have an occassional fussy bout but it usually ties back to gas from something I ate.

It's very common to feel guilty about spending more time tending to one twin than the other. But, as the other Moms' said, they're too young to realize or remember at this point. You're doing the best you can and that's all that matters.

To help ensure I spend individual time with each of our daughters, my husband and I usually set some time aside in the evening (after a feeding / before bed time) and hole ourselves up in different rooms with one of the girls playing. Then we circle up back in the living room for a bit before we put them down for the night. The following evening we'll switch.

Keep up the good work!! They'll turn the corner real soon I promise

 

It all balances out, I promise you. Attend to each baby as they need it and it will all be good. Don't keep track of every single thing. It will do you no good.

 

QUOTE(E&Msmom @ Jan 23 2009, 03:06 AM) [snapback]1158538[/snapback]
My advice is simple - Dont worry they will take turns. We always have one twin who is more "high needs" than the other, and they switch roles. 6 weeks old they really just need their basic needs met change em, feed em, burp em, and let em sleep. You are in survival mommy! dont worry about how much you arent holding one, pat yourself on the back for the MANY good things you are doing!! I promise it wont always be this way, it will get better, it will be more fun, and you will feel like you are spending time with them as evenly as possible.
hang in there!


What she said They will definitely take turns in time. My fussy newborn is now a pretty independent toddler. He's still the fussy one if anyone is, but DS2 is the cuddler that would rather sit in your lap and read a book. No one is kidding when they say the first three months (or so) is survival mode Take a breath, kiss your babies and keep doing what you are doing.

 

This may be a silly question because i have not had twins yet, but why is everyone pumping so much. Are you not breastfeeding at all, just pumping for the milk? With my son i rarely pumped,only when someone wanted to feed him.