Disgruntled Dad Here

Help! My wife went from a caring mom (which is how she found this site) to a "twinstuff junkie". She's on this site morning, noon and night responding to other peoples questions and she's not even a moderator. She's even figured out a way to feed the babies while responding to topics posted. In the past, she read to the babies, sang to the babies, did all kinds of things with the babies.

Anyway, I am thinking of blocking this site directly from our ISP. She's not very technical so she won't know what happened. I have tried talking to her but that did not work.

 

Can you get her to agree to a specific amt of time or specific hours of the day? You hate to take away a support system but she cannot put this site over other priorities. It's just not worth it. Maybe if she found a different interest or hobby - like a twins club? Then she'd have another means of getting support/giving support but it would be IRL people?

Otherwise, I'll probably be unpopular here, I would block it.

 

I wouldn't block it without telling her--if she found out I"m sure she'd be so hurt. Just show her this post--I know it would make me re-think the amount of time I'm spending doing something my husband is wary of (esp since you see that she interacts with your kids less/differently now).

Since she responds so much, I'm sure I've been a recipient of her time and knowledge--so I know how helpful that can be. But I understand how much MORE important time with her family is.

Good luck!

 

Wow, if i didn't know any better I'd say you were my husband! :rotflmbo: This site is very hepful but can be addicting. (for me anyways!) This site is very comforting to twin moms who need to talk, vent or just talk with ppl going through what they are. ( twinsanity!). My 2 cents~ I wouldn't block her but talk with her more & see if there is anything you can do to limit the anount of time spent on here. If it came to danger to the kids that's a different story! I wish you both the best! Good luck! :hug:

 

Have you spoken to her and voiced your concerns? Perhaps that would be a good first step! I know the women here on Twinstuff sure helped me with my twins!

 

QUOTE(disgruntledDad @ Nov 6 2008, 02:31 PM) [snapback]1058894[/snapback]
Anyway, I am thinking of blocking this site directly from our ISP. She's not very technical so she won't know what happened. I have tried talking to her but that did not work.


If my DH did something like this to me and went behind my back I would be furious. This is my outlet during the day. He has no "real" idea what it is like to stay at home and parent 3 small children all day and I dont pretend to know what it is like to travel for my job. I choose to spend my time on here helping myself and others and I am a much better mother for having TS then not at all.

 

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. This may be an outlet for her, I know it has been for me. I would try talking to her before I blocking the site. I don't know what I would have done without my fellow TS moms! GL!

 

Yikes.
If you block the address and she finds out I bet she would be really mad and then you have to deal with that too.
I'm with the other ladies. I'd talk to her. She will probably get mad about that too but it's better than the alternative.

Is she in this forum? If so, she will most likely see this thread and take the hint herself.

I know I am guilty too. If my boss knew how much time I spend here during work... Ay Carumba!

LOL

 

Are you saying she is no longer singing to and caring for the children? I seriously doubt that! If a mom sneaks time on TS whenever she can, I say "good for her"! For some of us these are the only friends we talk with regularly, and definitely the only people who can totally relate to us. Try walking in her shoes for a day, try talking to her about it too. (But I would think long and hard before I came right out and told her she isn't a "caring mom". Ouch!

 

QUOTE(disgruntledDad @ Nov 6 2008, 06:31 AM) [snapback]1058894[/snapback]
Anyway, I am thinking of blocking this site directly from our ISP. She's not very technical so she won't know what happened. I have tried talking to her but that did not work.

That would be quite a manipulative and controlling thing to do. I would say you need to talk to your wife. It is not your place to control what sites she goes on or anything else in her life. That needs to be her choice. I hope your need to control stops at wanting to ban her from her support system on line. I sure hope you are not doing that with her family and friends IRL too.

Sounds like in your eyes, she may need to adjust the amount of time she spends on line and you need to communicate better with your wife.

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Nov 6 2008, 10:42 AM) [snapback]1059039[/snapback]
It is not your place to control what sites she goes on or anything else in her life. That needs to be her choice. I hope your need to control stops at wanting to ban her from her support system on line.


I have to respectfully disagree with you on this. I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action.

Do I think he should block it without her knowledge? Of course not - but I do feel that it is his place to do something about it. My advice, along with the others, would be to talk with her and let her know of your intentions before doing it.

 

I'm so curious to know if your wife has/will respond to your post...when I read it, at first I thought you were joking. If she's on here a lot, she may even answer your post herself.

I sneak on here a lot (during the day and at night when my husband is home), but never when the babies are awake and active. I love playing with them every second that they are in the mood for it, but I think you probably know that if you don't get them calmed down and back to sleep within an hour or two of them waking, they are a mess. So personally, I find the only things TS keeps me from doing is...maybe napping (yeah right - I've never found time for that) or housework, which I get done in the end anyway. Has she honestly stoped playing with/reading to the babies or is she just finding a little bit of time for herself in between? Did she work before the babies came? I know I did and most of my friends work so during the day, this (and Facebook) is one of my only ways of communicating with anyone who can actually talk back. Don't get me wrong - I talk to the babies, my dog, and my cats so much all day that you'd think I really was expecting one of them to answer, but sometimes you need a response, especially when you're figuring out how to manage with two little ones!

My suggestions would be to make sure you're giving her time to get out of the house to interact with real people and to talk to her about your TS concerns if you really think it's coming between her and the babies. Don't accuse her, maybe just ask her or if you're home, pay attention to what the babies are doing when she's on here. The maybe you can work it out so she can just go on when they are sleeping. You could also offer to give her TS time when you come home...she could have some time online while YOU read to the babies! GL!

 

QUOTE(spiveyplustwins @ Nov 6 2008, 11:48 AM) [snapback]1059052[/snapback]
I have to respectfully disagree with you on this. I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action.

Do I think he should block it without her knowledge? Of course not - but I do feel that it is his place to do something about it. My advice, along with the others, would be to talk with her and let her know of your intentions before doing it.


Wow would I be offended if my husband came out and said this to me! I would hope that you see yourself as a team, and if you do have a conversation about it, that you approach it that way.

How do you know she does this when you are not around though? Maybe when you are home, she is expecting you to step in so she can get a break, but she doesn't want to ask you to?

 

Well my house hold is a team… no one leads… if my DH did something behind my back and I found out… karma would get him in the end, and I would NOT feel very guilt about doing something behind his back after that… BUT, I know he would talk to me, so I would never do something behind his back… if he pulled a site from me, I would hire a computer person to come figure it out… and I guess his karma would be paying for that guy to fix his controlling behavior…

Now if she seriously is not caring for the babies (I seriously doubt it) then I would bring it up repeatedly… eventually it would start to set in… and I would do it nicely not demanding, as that could drive her on here more… to vent about YOU

BUT I didn’t get much sleep last night sooo maybe I’m just cranky :unknw: ?


Elizabeth

 

Try talking to her again. I am not saying she is right. I am not saying you are right. But you two need to work together to figure out what the best option is. Babies of course are the first priority. But she also needs time to relax. Being a mom of twins can be horrible isolating, very lonely, extremely stressful and so on. And if you have any other children in the house..well, even harder. Talk to her again, explain your feelings, your concerns. Heck if she has figured out how to feed the babies and post at the same time...well, I am impressed!!!! I sure as heck couldn't have done that LOL

Dianna

 

Another point to consider: I often leave the TS window open all day long, but that does not mean I am sitting in front of it all day long. It's just quicker to come by and hit "refresh" than to open the site from the desktop. So if someone were to go in and read whatever it is that tells a person exactly what sites have been visited and for how long, it would look like I somehow spend 32 hrs per day between TS and Flickr. I don't, I just keep the sites open all day long, and then I visit them when I eat or when I have a few minutes of down time.

Caring for small babies involves a lot of "few minutes of this, few minutes of that" and it's not that hard to find 10 minutes here or there to check in with other moms in the same situation. And then walk away and do something else while leaving the site open.

 

You defin. need to talk to her. I dont agree with blocking her access or being controlling over her internet. That just screams of bigger issues. Marriage is a 50-50 thing no one person is more important than the other and you both seem to have some issues that need attention. Is she actually ignoring the kids and endangering them with inattention? Or is she not paying attention to you in a manner you want? This site is an outlet for alot of moms who are caring for babies and need to chat and feel part of a group. I know during the day I look into here off an on to see whats happening and to talk with other moms who know what Im going through. Even tho Im on here, Im still paying attention to my kids and caring for them. LOL Right now they are playing at my feet and trying to nibble on my leg... ICK!

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story. We cant make judgements on hearing only one side of an issue.

JMO please dont skin me for it!

 

QUOTE(spiveyplustwins @ Nov 6 2008, 09:48 AM) [snapback]1059052[/snapback]
I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action.


:shok:

It's not a husband's place to control or manipulate his wife. I don't consider anyone "head of the household" (except on tax forms). Marriages are meant to be a team between two equal partners.


If she's on here more than you'd like, talk to her. Communication is key in any healthy relationship. But also put yourself in her shoes. This site is an outlet for a lot of moms. If you did her job for a week, you might understand a bit more.

And if she's on as much as you say, she's probably already read this. (And I'm sure is incredibly hurt if she suspects it's you.)

 

Huh I often wonder myself how some of the people on this site have so much time to spend on the computer. I like to check in every few days and have gotten a ton of useful info on it but I have so much to do that this is one of the last things on my list. I guess if my kids were older and in school I'd have more time but not for a while! I think it seems sad to be finding ways to do stuff while replying to posts on here, esp with the babies.

 

Do NOT block it! That could really throw someone over the edge! This site has helped so many moms especially in the first year. As long as the site does not take away time from the two of you and as long as this site does not allow her to neglect the babies, I think everything will be fine! It has always been a very refreshing outlet for me since I stopped working and no longer was with adults during the day. It can be addicting...I know! Talk to her and explain how you are feeling.

I read this thread to dh and he said, "I know how he feels!" LOL

 

"I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action."

I couldn't figure out how to quote this, but WHAT CENTURY ARE WE IN??? Talk to the woman and don't act like it's your job to control her...give her a break...

 

QUOTE(gina_leigh @ Nov 6 2008, 11:44 AM) [snapback]1059160[/snapback]
:shok:

It's not a husband's place to control or manipulate his wife. I don't consider anyone "head of the household" (except on tax forms). Marriages are meant to be a team between two equal partners.
If she's on here more than you'd like, talk to her. Communication is key in any healthy relationship. But also put yourself in her shoes. This site is an outlet for a lot of moms. If you did her job for a week, you might understand a bit more.

And if she's on as much as you say, she's probably already read this. (And I'm sure is incredibly hurt if she suspects it's you.)


I completely agree. I am a self described addict of TS, but I am only on when the kids are napping. If you really think that she is in some way neglecting her babies then please talk to her about it. It is extremely important for mothers of multiples to have support because it is different than having a singleton. This site has often been my saving grace and I would be so hurt and distraught if my husband blocked it without talking to me. (although my husband is extremely supportive and would NEVER do that!)

 

Wow, at first I thought this was a joke...are you serious??!!

If you aren't, get over yourself man! This site is an outlet for Moms. I do agree if she's neglecting your children than perhaps she needs help but seriously?? SERIOUSLY??!!

Talk to her first, please...don't just block her. If she's a hardcore Twinstuff junkie, she'll figure out how to get on here again anyways....

 

I just read this post to MY DH and he LAUGHED!!!! He said, "I'm so HAPPY you found TS so you can reach out to other Moms and get support that I might now always be able to give you..."

Just another perspective...

 

Hi there,
I'm mainly a lurker, but I have a few thoughts...

1-It's good you asked for input from us regarding your concerns before blocking the site.

1-Definitely talk to her directly about your concerns again. I'm a first time Mom who was very competent in the work world. Having twins is more difficult than anything I've ever done. I'm home all day now, and I don't know anyone in person or in my family who was twins. I read this site so I can read input from those who have BTDT. It's been soooo helpful.

2-I agree it would be helpful if you offer to give her a regular break time so she can spend time on the site for her enjoyment. Maybe you can take the twins for an hour or two every evening on your own. Everyone needs a break, especially with young twins. Work out a compromise.

3-It sounds like your wife uses this forum to take a break and do something different for a short time. What do you do for yourself to take a break? Example...you play golf on the weekend. What if your wife thought you were spending too much time playing golf and her solution was to hide your golf clubs from you? I bet you'd be pretty upset.

I hope both of you can work TOGETHER to figure out a good, supportive plan to care for your twins. We all get frustrated with marriage and child rearing issues. I hope you can find a supportive way to address your concerns. GL, Beth (11 week old twins)

 

You know, you say her habits changed and her time here (away from reality) has increased. Is it possible she has a touch of post partum depression? I know I often "escaped" to TS during my PPD when things got a little overwhelming.

 

blocking this site would be equivalent to me hiding all of my husbands video games and accessories... we may argue (a lot) over time spent doing such things, but I would never violate his trust and take his things just so I can get my way...

marriage is always about compromise, not about exerting your technological man muscle!

besides, if you think TS is a problem, just wait until she finds out that you went around her to prevent her from doing what she wants... i smell some serious problems brewing then

 

This is 100% speculation on my part, but I wonder how much of this is really about babies, and how much of it is about Hubby feeling neglected. Not taht I'm saying he's wrong for feeling that way, I'm just wondering.

I'm only here as much as I am now casue I haven't had my babies yet, and Owen is in school all day. I know I won't be able to be here nearly so much once the girls arrive.

Talk to her about-she's your wife, not your child. Yikes.

 

What age range do your twins fall into? I ask because there has been an inordinate amount of posts lately regarding independent play... which leave a Mommy with some "free" time, which is just as important to their development as "directed play" AND reading. If they are too young and Mommy is backing off because she can see she was being ridiculous reading to three week olds more than once a day... do you see where I am going here?

I really can't give you an opinion with so little information... except... I think what you did is passive aggressive. You obviously think she will see this post, and want her to react to it. Did you consider that she may feel like she is in way over her head and may need support from other Mothers of Multiples? Before you cut her off from an important outlet (which you wouldn't survive doing in my house btw...), I'd consider the ramifications if she doesn't have an outlet or a forum to ask for help. Out of the frying pan and into the fire??? JAT

 

Oh wow I am at this site mornings, noon and evening, I guess I must be neglecting my kids too. That's ridiculous. You know, babies don't need their mommy to be with them 100% of the time... They need to learn how to play on their own, too. I hardly think that spending even 30 minutes here three times a day is neglecting them.

What's with the crazy standards these days... if you're not with your babies every single minute they are up, they're neglected.

 

QUOTE(spiveyplustwins @ Nov 6 2008, 10:48 AM) [snapback]1059052[/snapback]
I have to respectfully disagree with you on this. I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action.

Do I think he should block it without her knowledge? Of course not - but I do feel that it is his place to do something about it. My advice, along with the others, would be to talk with her and let her know of your intentions before doing it.



I think the healthiest relationships don't have a leader.

 

QUOTE(Fran27 @ Nov 6 2008, 02:00 PM) [snapback]1059480[/snapback]
Oh wow I am at this site mornings, noon and evening, I guess I must be neglecting my kids too. That's ridiculous. You know, babies don't need their mommy to be with them 100% of the time... They need to learn how to play on their own, too. I hardly think that spending even 30 minutes here three times a day is neglecting them.

What's with the crazy standards these days... if you're not with your babies every single minute they are up, they're neglected.



Fran,

I totally agree with you! (Which made me laugh since we always butt heads about the other issue!) Lisa

 

Hi Ladies and Disgruntled Dad,

I first wanted to respond to the responses from the pp who said her husband is the head of the house hold and should "control" her TS time....I know a lot of you don't agree with her thinking but I'm pretty sure it's coming from a faith based background. Some married couples see themselves as a team, other see the male as the leader, and others like myself see my husband as the head of the household whose say is final but I'm 100% his parnter and that makes us a team. It's about respect and it goes both ways. My Dh would never disrespect me as too "control" me in any way and wouldn't disrespect him and not listen when he came to me with concerns.

DD - I would try talking to her again. Ask her if you both could come up with a plan you were both happy with that she could come to the TS board. Tell her you're concerns about the kids and let her tell you what she's feeling. Maybe ppd is a factor.

 

"I feel that it is his place to "control" what site she goes on. He is the leader of his home and he is responsible and will give an account for his wife and children. If he feels that this website is taking priority over the care for his children, then it is his responsibility as the head of his household to take action."

Oooh. Wow, ok, I'm glad we don't play by that rule in this house. We prefer to work as a team, although each of us has areas we do better in and so take lead. Thats not control. Control is a very strong word, and I firmly believe that no individual (especially not in a relationship) has the right to control, or exert their will, on another person. Everyone has free will. That said, now back to the question.

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No, I wouldn't block the website. Thats not your place to do that. Are you sure she is ignoring the children to spend all her time on here? I seriously doubt that is possible. Babies can be pretty demanding with attention, and it is impossible to ignore a crying baby all day. Although mine are having floor play time right now, I'm typing this with one on my knee because she had a meltdown. It may look like I am on here all day and have all the time in the world, but I just leave the website up and go have a look if I have a chance. For example, its taken me about an hour to write this even though it would take about 2 minutes normally because I am constantly up and down with the babies.

If you want your wife to resent you, block it. Have you tried spending more time with her? Maybe she wants adult company. Its tough being at home with 2 babies all day, and this site gives us an opportunity to connect with other people going through the same issues. I know I get a lot of info from here and any time I have an issue, I can just search the forums for suggestions. Its hard finding that in a book.