Disciplining

Ok so I dont want a debate and I dont need a lecture, I am looking for some advice as to what you have used or plan on using as a form of discipline.

Both of my girls, especially Maia, are kickers. They kick everything and everyone. When I say NO or STOP they laugh, when I move them they go right back. I am especially worried about them kicking each other and my face.
For instance today Maia kept kicking Sofie while she was standing up and she was moved and told no and stop three times. If Sofie falls on her then they could both get hurt.
Any one else have this problem? How do I get her/them to stop?

Also, temper tantrums, they are not acceptable behavior in my book. I understand they are frustrated but I would like them to learn other outlets to release their frustrations. Any advice?

Thank you in advance!!

 

Mine are throwing tantrums too! I don't know what the right thing to do is for a tantrum - they aren't lasting very long, so on the one hand I can offer them a toy or some food to distract but then I worry that is just reinforcing the tantrum. (Throw a tantrum and you get a toy or a treat!) So what I've been doing is just ignoring it. Most of the time it's pretty easy to ignore whoever is having a tantrum b/c it's usually b/c I'm putting her down b/c I have to change her diaper or pick up her sister, so it's just tough luck, throw a tantrum if you want but I still need to do what I need to do.

My girls don't kick, but they are fascinated by electrical outlets. Of course all the outlets in my home are covered but I want them to know they aren't allowed to stick their fingers in outlets, so whenever I notice them doing what they shouldn't I firmly say "no" loud enough to get their attention and in a serious tone and shake my head and have a look of disapproval on my face. 9 times out of 10 they stop what they are doing, turn and look at me, and then move on to something else. In the event they do not stop the undesirable behavior and maybe just stop and look at me and then go right back to it, I go and pick up the baby and move her to a different part of the room. When this happens it often results in a tantrum, but I just ignore that.

GL it seems like my girls are having little phases of really testing the limits one week and having tons of tantrums and then the next week it slows down some. Those weeks when they are testing things are exhausting!

What's really funny is I've got ceramic tile throughout the house, so my girls have already learned that if they throw themselves on the floor, it hurts to bang their heads on the floor. So when throwing a tantrum, they go from sitting position back on their elbows, but then take the time to stop and gently lower their heads to the floor but then the tantrum quickly starts up again.

 

QUOTE(cohlee @ Sep 21 2008, 08:30 PM) [snapback]990645[/snapback]
Ok so I dont want a debate and I dont need a lecture, I am looking for some advice as to what you have used or plan on using as a form of discipline.

Both of my girls, especially Maia, are kickers. They kick everything and everyone. When I say NO or STOP they laugh, when I move them they go right back. I am especially worried about them kicking each other and my face.
For instance today Maia kept kicking Sofie while she was standing up and she was moved and told no and stop three times. If Sofie falls on her then they could both get hurt.
Any one else have this problem? How do I get her/them to stop?

Also, temper tantrums, they are not acceptable behavior in my book. I understand they are frustrated but I would like them to learn other outlets to release their frustrations. Any advice?

Thank you in advance!!


I would love to know what others plan on doing/have done! I have no advice-as we are in the same predicament! I am not a fan of tantrums and I will not let my kids get their own way. Being a teacher-I've seen some bad parenting-and I hope to avoid the mistakes I've seen!

I noticed that when Nicholas gets mad at Anthony(takes away a toy), he tries to bite his head. Thank goodness he does not have teeth(bottom two-but barely there, and pale in comparison to his brother!). How do you discipline that??? He has no idea what he is doing is wrong!?!?

Sorry for the lack of help-and the hijack! Just know you are not alone! And I can't wait for the other responses!

 

Add my name to list of others that need help in this department!! I can't wait to see what other people have to say!!

I can't believe at 11 months old they already fight the word NO and throw temper tantrums!! I totally thought I had more time!

 

QUOTE
Also, temper tantrums, they are not acceptable behavior in my book. I understand they are frustrated but I would like them to learn other outlets to release their frustrations. Any advice?


Sorry, I just have to smile at this... Saying that tantrums are not acceptable behavior for (almost) toddlers is like saying that crying is not acceptable behavior for newborns! Tantrums suck, but they are actually normal and healthy. That is how they release their frustration. What you can do is just (try to) stay laid back about the tantrums yourself and ignore them as much as possible, and when they're over, don't make a big deal of it. You can also keep an eye out for things that tend to trigger tantrums and try to avoid them - getting too tired or hungry, too long in the car seat, whatever. In a way, I think having twins helps to deal with tantrums - there's another baby to pay attention to while the one has a tantrum, so it's easier to ignore the drama.

QUOTE
Both of my girls, especially Maia, are kickers. They kick everything and everyone. When I say NO or STOP they laugh, when I move them they go right back. I am especially worried about them kicking each other and my face.
For instance today Maia kept kicking Sofie while she was standing up and she was moved and told no and stop three times. If Sofie falls on her then they could both get hurt.
Any one else have this problem? How do I get her/them to stop?


Totally know what you mean about laughing at "no"! Andrew is quite a little devil that way. All I can say is consistency, consistency, consistency. Just keep trying to redirect, and try not to make a big deal of the kicking - it helps if you even act bored when reprimanding them. And praise for not kicking, of course. Day to day, it will seem like you're talking to a brick wall, but after a while, you'll realize, Hey, they aren't kicking as much anymore! (That's what happened with Andrew and his favorite no-no, dropping food from the table - he's finally gotten a lot better about it.)

Oh, and don't worry about them falling on top of each other - mine do it all the time, and they don't get hurt.

 

I spank and it works well for me.

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Sep 21 2008, 09:06 PM) [snapback]990710[/snapback]
Totally know what you mean about laughing at "no"! Andrew is quite a little devil that way. All I can say is consistency, consistency, consistency. Just keep trying to redirect, and try not to make a big deal of the kicking - it helps if you even act bored when reprimanding them. And praise for not kicking, of course. Day to day, it will seem like you're talking to a brick wall, but after a while, you'll realize, Hey, they aren't kicking as much anymore! (That's what happened with Andrew and his favorite no-no, dropping food from the table - he's finally gotten a lot better about it.)

Oh, and don't worry about them falling on top of each other - mine do it all the time, and they don't get hurt.


Sofie does that!! And when you say no to her, she will hold your stare and do it! Ugh. 11mo old and they know how to push mommy's buttons!

 

omg are our kids all talking to each other? do they have their own forum they go to? mine are not huge on tantrums (marina a little bit, but i just ignore it), but the fighting each other for toys, and the constant "no" "no touch" "no, danger" is crazy. they look at me, smile and keep doing it. and if one is doing it and i say "no" the other immediately joins her sister in doing what they're not supposed to be doing. i try the "good girl! good listening!" when they stop, and they like to hear it, but they go right back to doing it! ugh. i don't want to have to remove everything in the house that i don't want them touching. i want them to be able to live with everything (well, most things) aroudn them, becaause when we go to someone's house, i can't expect those people to remove all the things i don't want the girls touching, kwim?
this parenting stuff is hard, man.

 

We are going through a lot of the same issues as you are, in fact, a few more issues I may have to post a question about. Anyway, it is really testing my patience lately and I too am getting those little devilish smiles when I sternly say NO and it is driving me up the wall. Ugh....

 

I totally agree with Holly on this one! What worked best for me when I was working daycare was ignoring the tantrums as they are looking for a response and getting their way. As long as they are not hurting others, themselves, or things, then let them go for it. The more you ignore, the less they will want to do it. The nice thing is they will see you playing with the other one and won't want to miss out on it!

As for kicking, hitting, biting, etc., redirect is the best thing! Prevent it if you can. Watch for what starts the problem and change it before it happens. As far as discipline, time out works, but only if it is used properly and not often. They learn quick. If you say no a hundred times, but then give up, they win. If they are competing for a toy, you take it away and give them both something else. Remind them that we share toys. If one of them is playing with the toy and the other one wants it, don't make child 1 share. You wouldn't want to be at a store using a cart and someone else come up and take it from you before you are done with it, right?

You just have to remember they are little people. They think almost the same way you do. Just much more literal. Also, don't put them in a situation they aren't ready for. Keep all activities age appropriate, including outings! It's better to remind them what to do instead of what not to do! That will help with future tantrums!!! I only spank my children as a last resort. I have probably spanked my children once or twice in the past year or two! They may drive me crazy some days, but I know I do the same to them at times! LOL!

One more thing... this is a great one to get attention. Have them look at the expression on your face. When you are angry, show them that you are angry and point it out to them. For example, "Do you see my face? I am very upset with what you did." (Never them, what they did!!!) When they do something good- same thing..."Look at how happy my face is. I am soo happy with what you did! That is great! I am proud of you!" The bigger and better your facial expressions are and you pointing them out, they will associate what you are saying and feeling with their actions. This will also help a lot!!! I still do it with my older kids. They know when I am angry. I don't have to point it out much any more! But the same is true with how proud I am of them. I had a teacher in college that works with severly mentally disabled children. She does this and it works! If it will work with them, imagine what it will accomplish in your home! There is a great text book out there, that you could probably buy on Amazon. I can't find mine right now, but as soon as I do, I will let you know what it is called if you want. It has great ideas and lots of awesome information!

 

Oh...I can barely wait for temper tantrums. I do plan to try and use some simple sign language with my babies in a few months, I am hoping this will help avoid some temper tantrums, but who knows.
I am not sure there is much else you can do, other then say no, and then redirect or distract them - and be consistent

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ Sep 21 2008, 08:20 PM) [snapback]990739[/snapback]
omg are our kids all talking to each other? do they have their own forum they go to?


:laughing:

QUOTE(luvnmybabies @ Sep 21 2008, 10:18 PM) [snapback]990932[/snapback]
If one of them is playing with the toy and the other one wants it, don't make child 1 share. You wouldn't want to be at a store using a cart and someone else come up and take it from you before you are done with it, right?

Have them look at the expression on your face. When you are angry, show them that you are angry and point it out to them. For example, "Do you see my face? I am very upset with what you did." (Never them, what they did!!!) When they do something good- same thing..."Look at how happy my face is. I am soo happy with what you did! That is great! I am proud of you!"


I haven't known what to do when fighting over a toy - I have been trying to just watch from a distance and let them work it out on their own...

I love the suggestion about the face, I do the facial expressions but I haven't pointed it out to them, I am going to have to try that!

Cohlee, thanks for starting this thread!

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Sep 22 2008, 08:12 AM) [snapback]991196[/snapback]
I haven't known what to do when fighting over a toy - I have been trying to just watch from a distance and let them work it out on their own...


Thats what I have been doing, letting them work it out on their own, and then I intervene when someone starts crying screaming or they start fighting. And Its funny because they'll fight over a toy that they never play with, and I will give the other girls a different toy and she throws it because what her sister has looks like fun.
Maia will actually try and trade! I swear! She will take another toy and give it to Sofie then scream when Sofie doesnt give her the toy she wants.

The temper tantrums I do ignore, or I roll my eyes at them and tell them 'I dont negotiate with terrorists' The kicking really does get to me, I have been kicked in the face A LOT! It hurts! And she must think it is a game. This has been going on since she was about 4mo old. Its getting old! She got me in the nose last week and my eyes teared up, I wanted to strap her up by her toenails and feed her to the birds... but I didnt. It HAS to stop!

These are great suggestions! Thank you!

 

For us we had early tantrums and still have them on occasion. I just ignore them. As long as they are somewhere safe while having one, I ignore it. They have gotten shorter as they age and I think they know that they flat out dont get any attention with them.

With anything else at that young age and really now we just say an emphatic "No!" followed by redirection. It can be absolutely maddening. And the throwing the food on the floor got much better once we put them at the table in boosters and out of the highchairs. But it still happens and now I make them pick it up.

 

I really think at such a young age, they don't really understand the concept of discipline, so redirection is the best bet. It's absolutely maddening to pull your child off a "forbidden" object 8, 10 times and watch them crawl right back to it, but this is a stage they will eventually outgrow, and sooner or later, they will understand the concept of "this can hurt you" but right now they are too young to "get it."

I'm not a believer in spanking a child of any age, because I don't believe hitting anyone has ever taught them anything other than how to be angry, and as a parent my goal is to diffuse the situation, not escalate it or make my child feel angry, ashamed, mistrustful, etc. Not all hitting is spanking, but all spanking is hitting, and hitting is an act of violence, and violence never achieves anything good.

And absolutely, ignore a tantrum, and it will end far faster than if you try to "do something" about it. Once the child learns that they aren't getting their way by throwing tantrums, the tantrums will eventually stop, but for now it's part of their development.

 

QUOTE(isis @ Sep 22 2008, 12:56 AM) [snapback]991057[/snapback]
Oh...I can barely wait for temper tantrums. I do plan to try and use some simple sign language with my babies in a few months, I am hoping this will help avoid some temper tantrums, but who knows.
I am not sure there is much else you can do, other then say no, and then redirect or distract them - and be consistent


A little bit of signing has helped relieve some of their feeding stress, for our guys. I want to teach them more signs, but right now the main one is "more" (and "please" and "all done" which they're using to say "more" anyways).

We do a lot of redirection. I'm really serious about not letting them hurt each other. If they do, and it seems deliberate, then I pick the offending party up, look them straight in the eye and say very sternly "No, don't hurt your sister/brother." If it keeps happening, I grab the one and put them "in exile", I just sweep them up and put them on the opposite side of the room. They can crawl quickly back, but it gives them a second to stop and think, or at least lost their concentration on whatever bad thing they were doing, and it usually breaks the cycle if there is repeated behavior going on. If the behavior keeps on being repeated, I put whichever one in their room in their p'n'play for a few minutes. Usually we don't have to resort to that stage.

Someone once said, and I think this might be true in some cases, that when they smile or laugh when you discipline them, they're actually trying to reconnect a connection with you. They see you're upset and want you to be happy with them again. It's still annoying though, urgh.

 

We are not at this phase yet, but when we do I am sure we will spank. I agree with spanking - it worked for me! Mostly .

Also, even now I do believe that the boys know my tone - and when I say no firmly they understand. Who knows. I might be wrong!

 

For tantrums, I make sure they are safe, say something "I understand you are frustrated" and then ignore. You'll just feed into it if you try to guess what they want and often they don't know what they want. When they calm down, I go and cuddle and hug and give lots of positive reinforcement to them for calming down.

As for fighting over toys, when they were that young I tried to let them work it out.. and actually they did most of the time. If they were really fighting over something though, I took it away and redirected both to different toys. Now that they are older and understand time outs, I put the toy in time out after warning them if they don't work it out, its just going to go into time out and no one can play with it. But thats for when yours are older- we are starting to work on turn-taking and sharing right now.

As for the kicking, I would ignore it too. Maybe move her away so she can't hurt her sister and then tell her she can come over and join you to play once she's stopped kicking.

 

One more quick piece of advice.. FWIW- when she kicks, hits, etc., show more attention to the child that was mistreated. Shower with love and kisses, take them to another place away from the angry child, and give them a toy to play with to get them over their hurt quickly. Ignore the bad behavior. If there is an injury, show the attention it deserves. Everyone, children especially, want to be loved on. Knowing that their bad behavior is not getting them anywhere and the other one is getting all the attention, is going to also help nip that one!

 

I also agree with Holly. I think the thing that worked best for me (and still does) regarding tantrums is to just walk away and let them have it. Saying things like, Oh, I see you are upset right now. Talk to me when you are done. Or, Wow, you seem upset, I'll give you some time alone to work it out. Then just walk into another room. I am not one who is against an occasional spanking or hand pop but I don't think tantrums necessarily warrant one. I also think tantrums are a very normal and healthy outlet for toddlers to express themselves when they don't have the words to do so. I know it totally sucks when they have them (especially when it seems they are having them for anything and everything) but they will lessen as their vocabulary and comprehension strengthen.

 

nice to read all the replies. i hope something works for all of you, im dreading that stage! my parents spanked the first 4 of us- not BEAT, spanked. a swat on the hand or butt, until we were 4 or so. it worked, most of us only needed it once or twice and then got the message if we do something mommy says not to we're gonna get spanked. the last 4 kids they dont really spank (3 which never needed to be spanked, just a firm voice made them cry lol). the one is a brat, honestly, if he were my kid i would have lost it by now. i think she's too tired to deal with it though haha. dunno if i'll spank or not. i doubt it, but you never know! each child is different, so iguess we'll see!

 

Seriously the best book I found for reasoning with toddlers was Happiest Toddler on the Block-some of the ideas seem stupid but I tried them and it worked! Tells you how to communicate with a toddler so that they see you understand them and they understand you. It works I promise!