Discipline for 5 year olds

We just had our 5 year Dr. appt. this morning. I talked to the Dr. about my son who always seems to be the one to 'act out'. If I am mad at him, he will call me stupid or say he doesn't like me...he throws things a lot...totally disregards most things I say to him. If I get mad at him and put him in his room, he has gone to go potty and actually peed all over the toilet!!!!! WTH?? The Dr. says a lot of this is probably done for attention. He is used to the 'negative' attention he gets. It isn't like I don't give him any positive attention...so why would he like the negative attention of me giving him time outs, taking things away and yelling?!?! I also tend to be more of a reactor....I try to be calm and deal with the situation...but usually the situation gets the best of me. I have read a lot about 'the things to do', they seem easy to follow except for when you are IN the situation and dealing with it!

She suggested that I have some sort of jar where both him and his sister get to fill by doing things good things....call it Team Mal & Zach or something like that. They would get to put a token in it everytime they do something good...listening to mommy & daddy....cleaning up toys when asked to, etc. and when the jar is full, they will be rewarded with something. She said that way it won't be looked upon as "he" is always the "bad" one. I'm not sure how to go about this, do you guys have some suggestions? I was thinking also of doing an incentive or responsibility chart.

I just feel that I'm always reprimanding my son. It has gotten bad because now my daughter sounds like me and says things I say to him!!!! Ugh! He is always the one fooling around (and I know some of this is the age and that he is a "boy")...but it makes me insane.

Thanks for letting me vent! It has been a LONG time since I've been on Twinstuff.

LoDog

 

I think your dr. had a good idea. Even if you don't want to do a jar, the point is really to catch him doing good and give him positive attention for it.

Some kids don't really seem to distinguish positive and negative attention to much. All he knows is that when he acts like that, he gets your absolutely undivided attention. My guess is that you 2 are stuck in a behaviour pattern and you're going to have to break the cycle of him acting up and your reacting to it for things to change. How is he when he is one-on-one with you? If his behaviour is better, find ways to give him that attention without his acting up first.

My son gets more difficult when he is hungry, tired, or bored. He also wants to interact with me all day which gets old and tiring pretty quick. If I can channel his behaviour into "helping" me with things, life really is better. He gets the interaction he wants. I'm not frustrated. We both win.

Marissa

 

I love the idea of the penny jar! I might have to implement that for cleaning up behind themselves.

 

Hi Lois! Good to see you here! I think the doctor had a good idea with the jar, I might have to steal that one for my two. We have similar problems here. Luke is the more difficult one for me. I don't remember the last time Lila even got a timeout. She always listens, and I think it makes it that much more obvious to me when Luke doesn't listen. The fact that they are such opposites in that way, makes me even more frustrated with Luke's behavior (which is actually the more normal of the two, I think, given past experience with kids this age). One of the difficulties of having twins, I guess. Anyway, no huge advice but I do get what you are going through. I have noticed that Luke is better with more attention from me on a one on one basis and he also responds better to me when he is being difficult if I can remember to talk to him calmly (not always easy). I try to pick him up, put him on my lap, & talk to him quietly about what he did wrong while giving him a hug before I put him in timeout. Sounds kind of crazy, but it almost always calms him down. ardon:

 

I like the idea of the jar too -- especially since it makes them a team and takes the focus off of his less-helpful behavior.

I've also been reading "Positive Discipline," and while there are some things in the book that I don't think would work for our family (like weekly family meetings), I have been trying to remember her general principle -- kids need to feel better in order to behave better. A child who is misbehaving probably needs a hug more than he needs a timeout. The author of the book is opposed to timeouts and basically ALL punitive discipline, and I'm not sure I'd go that far, but it's still a helpful way to look at it.

FWIW, one of my DDs also went through a terrible phase of temper around that age. She is slowly coming out of it now (just in time to turn 6, which I've heard is a horrible age...). Biting, spitting, kicking, hitting, etc. She would even say (she is very articulate and in tune with her feelings!) things like "When I feel mad, I just need to hurt somebody or something. Punching a pillow doesn't work because it doesn't get hurt." :faint: Yikes! Sometimes I worried that she was turning into a psychopath, but she has gotten a lot better recently. She still calls me stupid and says she hates me and won't be my friend ever again, but at least now she is mostly just using words. I know she doesn't mean it and more importantly, she knows I know.

 

thank you everyone for your advice. i think i'm going to focus on the 'positive' things he does when he does them and give him more hugs...and try to spend more one-on-one time w/ him...which is very difficult for us i'm sure things will get better...it is just so frustrating!

Lo-This-Too-Shall-Pass-Dog

 

All I have to add is be consistent. The girls do a lot better when it's the same punishment/reaction on a regular basis

 

Well, I did the jar thing when my oldest daughter was about 7. She still talks about it...loved it. Everytime I caught her listening and obeying the first time, she got a rock (we had special rocks). And when I caught her ignoring her sister rather than "bossing", she got one. And when she did spontaneous nice things, she got one. She then got a penny per rock at the end of the week.

The difference of her and Zach is that Claire was never really naughty, but she sure did boss and tattle and that kind of stuff. It got old!

Now, with Zach, I say do the jar...it can only help. However, you still need to eliminate the negative behavior and not allow it when it's happening. I'll tell ya, it needs to be something "painful" for them. If he pees on the toilet, he can not only clean it up, but give him a rag and expect him to also wash the floors or some walls. If he throws things, take away something "special of his". Tell him if he isn't going to respect the things he has, then he doesn't need things. (my kids can generally earn them back by doing extra chores...even if it's folding socks or towels or cleaning up extra parts of the house or something doable like that). If he back talks and tells you no or calls names, I use vinegar in a syringe...and every single one of my children has gotten the vinegar on their tongue at some point (when being incredibly disrespectful), and it doesn't hurt them a lick, but they hate it. And now I can say...Do I need to get the vinegar and they will end the behavior...and then when we are ALL calmed down we talk about how that is disrespectful and even though we are angry, it's not ok to act like that.

He sounds like he has some impulse control issues. Learning to control those impulses a bit NOW is going to make life much easier than it will later. I have an impulse control 5 year old, also. However, he is finally learning that he needs to control himself a bit and not do certain behaviors. He is a very passionate child, so when he gets angry he is passionately angry and would lash out if I allowed it. I can't tell you exactly how, but he can now keep from biting or hitting or stomping on somthing when he is angry. That wasn't always the case...but he's come around. He is also my most passionate lover, and laugher, and hugger, and all around empathetic child. It is passion that needs to be directed in a positive way rather than allowed to come out negatively.

So, with all that, what I'm really saying is I get it. Boys are just so much different from girls. :hug: They are harder (well, at the younger age, anyway :lol: ). But, they can learn. I agree...consistancy is very neccessary. Reward the positive behavior. Don't allow the negative, either, though. :hug: cause it's not easy at all!!