Discipline at 20 months

Just curious how you all discipline your 20 month olds. Right now we put toys in timeout if they throw or hit something. We have not started time outs yet for the boys but plan to once I figure out how I want to do it. I have one boy that cries and bites if his brother takes something or if he lays a toy down and his brother then picks it up. Right now I just say No Bite sternly and he either says sorry or gives him a kiss where he bit him. My question is how do you deal with the crying/tantrum when his brother takes something. I always make his brother give it back which he does within a minute or two but meanwhile the one who wants the toy or had it taken throws a tantrum. How do you teach him to remain calm and am I doing the right thing by saying "you have to stay calm and then making his brother give it back" or do you let them work it out. They are pretty good boys overall with good manners but I can already see that the one has a short fuse and just curious if you all have any ideas on how to teach him to remain calm and be patient. TIA...sorry for the rambling.

 

When one of my girls snatches something from her sister I make her give it back and say "please wait your turn" and if she throws a tantrum I just ignore it.

 

I still used a lot of redirection at that age. I would take the fusser over to pick something out for them to play with.

 

I have instituted a policy that if you want to steal your sister's toy, you must give something of equal or better value. So, if she has a doll that you want, go get another doll AND a doll stroller and ask her to trade. This usually works, but when the one who has the toy doesn't want to give it up, we count to ten and then it's time to trade toys. My girls have learned to count to ten really quickly and I some nights when I'm cooking dinner and they're playing in the other room I'll hear Cricket say "Piper, give doll now! One, two, three, eight, nine, ten!" and then a struggle as she pulls the doll away. Piper will then say "My turn. One, two..." and the poor doll gets handed back and forth six times in a minute.

But in all seriousness, trading has really helped, as has counting out each child's turn. Then it's not just a "wait your turn" and the kid is waiting for an unknown amount of time. With counting out the turn, they have a concrete end to each turn and seem to wait more patiently.

 

I tend not to get involved in the toy fights, and I let them work it out together. It has actually worked out pretty well here. The only time I get involved is if someone is doing something mean/dangerous (hitting, biting etc...). My pedi told us we could start time outs at 18 months, but I don't think my girls are quite ready for that yet. We just use a lot of redirection. Good Luck!

 

QUOTE(idril @ Mar 28 2009, 07:55 PM) [snapback]1248411[/snapback]
I have instituted a policy that if you want to steal your sister's toy, you must give something of equal or better value. So, if she has a doll that you want, go get another doll AND a doll stroller and ask her to trade. This usually works, but when the one who has the toy doesn't want to give it up, we count to ten and then it's time to trade toys. My girls have learned to count to ten really quickly and I some nights when I'm cooking dinner and they're playing in the other room I'll hear Cricket say "Piper, give doll now! One, two, three, eight, nine, ten!" and then a struggle as she pulls the doll away. Piper will then say "My turn. One, two..." and the poor doll gets handed back and forth six times in a minute.

But in all seriousness, trading has really helped, as has counting out each child's turn. Then it's not just a "wait your turn" and the kid is waiting for an unknown amount of time. With counting out the turn, they have a concrete end to each turn and seem to wait more patiently.


The counting is a good idea! My boys always try to trade with another toy but the problem is the other one never wants to trade so I have always made him wait until his brother is done which could be hours. So in this situation you would just sit there and have them trade back and forth every 10 until someone gets distracted and moves on???

 

As far as the toy taking goes, I will tell (for example) Jack that Lily gets to have the toy for two minutes and then it is his turn. I then tell him when one minute is left and then we count from 1 -10 and at ten the one with the desired toy usually gives it up. I also talk with them about waiting and that they are "waiting" for their turn. We also have a lot of luck with trading. As far as disciplining goes I do not discipline for tantrums or fits, and most of our disciplining resembles a "conversation". If they are not doing something dangerous then I will sort of pull them aside and have a nice calm talk with them. Believe it or not this works almost always with Lily. With Jack, I do a lot of counting as in ..."Jack, sit down on your seat, Jack one, Jack two, ...." by the time I get to three he has usually complied. If they do take something away or do something not nice to each other or someone else I give them a few seconds alone. I guess it is sort of like time out but we do not call it that. Sort of more like "if you cannot play by the rules you have to play alone". Then they also apologize to eachother after with a hug or kiss.
The only thing we do time outs for is if they run out into the street in our cul de sac. In that case they have to do timeout inside the front door in the house. They are alone in there but they stand (sobbing) by the windows on the side of the door so I can see them.

That is where we are at so far...it changes daily!

 

QUOTE(sf @ Mar 28 2009, 05:34 PM) [snapback]1248550[/snapback]
The counting is a good idea! My boys always try to trade with another toy but the problem is the other one never wants to trade so I have always made him wait until his brother is done which could be hours. So in this situation you would just sit there and have them trade back and forth every 10 until someone gets distracted and moves on???


Yes, we do the trading back and forth every 10 seconds until someone gets distracted. Usually it takes about 20 seconds for at least one of them to decide that counting is more fun that the actual toy or to notice something else that looks interesting. In the super rare occasion (perhaps three times ever) that counting and trading don't work, we go outside. The change of scenery stops tantrums every time.

 

I taught my girls to trade too. But sometimes one doesn't want to trade and then I tell them they must wait their turn. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If they use a toy as a weapon (throwing, hitting, etc), they get one warning and then the toy goes in time out. Right now we have a no tolerance policy on hitting each other, pushing, or pulling hair. Thats an immediate time out in a pnp with a timer set for 2 minutes. Teaching them to be kind is a lot of work, but its worth it to build those foundations early.

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Mar 28 2009, 03:53 PM) [snapback]1248238[/snapback]
When one of my girls snatches something from her sister I make her give it back and say "please wait your turn" and if she throws a tantrum I just ignore it.

I love this ! In fact it was so very successful in our house, now at 4 1/2 its rarely a problem. My boys have become really good at acknowledging each others "space" and will usually just ask if he can share the toy or go get something else.