Discipline and DH

DH and I generally follow the same approach to discipline. It has been mostly under my directive...I encouraged him to read 1-2-3 Magic, I relay the info and advice that I read on TS, etc. Overall, it has been pretty easy to get him on-board with how to handle things and our kiddos are pretty well-behaved (for 2.5 year olds!).

HOWEVER...we have been butting heads in recent weeks (we had a big disagreement this morning before we both went to work ) because he has taken to yelling and scolding. So today, DS was getting dressed and really wanted to wear the pants that he wore yesterday. Of course they are dirty, so he throws a bit of tantrum. Both DH and I were in the kiddos' room at the time. I pulled out two options for DS to wear instead of his coveted pants and he went crazy. I reminded him that those were his options and then left the room to make breakfast.

Meanwhile, DD is sitting calmly on the floor of their room getting dressed. Apparently, DS goes over to DD and bites her hard on the arm. She screams and DH yells "Don't you EVER bite your sister! NEVER EVER BITE!" Chaos ensues and I run into the room. DH puts DS into his crib and repeats right in his face, "Don't you EVER do that...do you HEAR me?!"

Of course, I react by scolding DH and telling him to calm down. He stomps off, disgusted with me. It did not help that we were having a discussion about money before the kiddos were awake, so we were already frustrated with each other :gah:

I cannot change his reaction...I cannot keep telling him what he is doing wrong...everytime I gently (I work very hard to avoid nagging!) ask him to try something different, he storms off and says that all I ever do is correct him. He just does not hear the positive things I say...it is frustrating.

What advice to do you have? I DO NOT have any concerns about things going beyond the yelling...it just sounds so violent. DH is a very calm, seemingly easy-going guy and this voice/reaction seem to come out of nowhere.

 

It's so hard to express how you feel in the heat of the moment to DH. You're right-you can't control how he chooses to react, but you can offer solutions that won't involve yelling (like you giving your DS a choice in what to wear). I would suggest sitting down with DH at a time when the kids aren't around and calmly discuss your strategies on how you deal with the kids when they bite, rebel, etc... Coming from a, "This is what I've found helpful, what works" standpoint rather than, "You should do this..." I'm not saying you say that to DH at all, but maybe in the moment he takes it that way? Or he's just so frustrated by the situation he doesn't care what you have to say right then. You can't change his reaction-he'll have to do that for himself-but offering him strategies might help him out.

 

Well for starters, it's good you guys are usually on the same page regarding discipline. I think it's understandable that on occasion one parent or the other has a bad or an off day, and I would cut them some slack. If it was happening all the time then I would have an issue and each time it happened it would probably build and build inside me that yet again he was ignoring my viewpoint. Then it's best to have a conversation away from the kids so you're not sending mixed messages. Maybe you can come up with some ideas together for your husband to take a minute or a "break" to calm down before he blows his fuse.

My husband is very patient and more calm than I am. But I can picture him having the same reaction for what happened today with the biting (actually, I'm pretty sure he has.)

I have days where I have a very short fuse and resort to yelling too. I have a read a few books that have helped me understand where the kids are coming from and has helped take the edge off. Right now I'm reading Raising your Spirited Child and I have so many good things to say about it. My son is so diffult, stubborn and his tantrums can be out of control and infuriating. It is helping me relate to and understand why he's acting the way he is. I also like watching Supernanny and her tactics. I've seen a lot of parents that are the type to blow their fuse, and she has been able to teach them her methods and keep them calm in the process. It does help me to use her ideas and put more effort in at staying calm. I do see that the more I yell, the worse my son's behavior is.

Good luck to you guys!

 

You are right that you both need to be on the same page as far as discipline. I'm glad he's been trying to use the same methods as you have been encouraging. That's the best thing to do for your kids.

Now understanding he was already frustrated with an earlier discussion, that may already have set up his lowered patience level with DS. It's horrible DS bit his sister, but getting in his face like that only puts DS on the defensive and shuts off his listening the moment his space is invaded. He'd likely be more afraid of his daddy than to care about what he's being told. However, I know you wanted to protect DS from DH's actions adn stick to the discipline plan, but with him so heated, it was best to stay out of it until he's not in the same room as DS and calmed down. He'll be more up to listening to you and less interested in defending himself against your corrections. You have every right to tell him when you feel he's gone over the line. You are your kids' advocate and that includes with other members of the family. Maybe have a one-on-one talk with DH later about how you feel that his actions were overboard and could have been handled differently. He need not scream at DS like that, but disciplining DS was necessary. A good time-out and an apology to his sister was all that's needed. Let him know you didn't mean to undermine him at the time, but do understand that you felt the need to step in because you just didn't like how he was talking to DS.

...or something along those lines... But, do talk with him and try to do this when he's calm and in a more listening mood.

 

I haven't read the previous replies, but try not to 'scold' dh in front of the kids. Take him into another room or save it for later. Sometimes reactions are so 'knee-jerk' that it just happens. What he needs to know is that continuing the yelling at the high chair was ridiculus. The child probably didn't even know what that was about. :hug: I am glad that for the most part the two of you agree.

 

DH and I both tend to overeact with the kids at times when we are frustrated. I often bite my tongue, because I realize I am equally at fault. In Dec-Jan I was at the end of my rope with DH and his attitude to the boys at meal time. We have picky eaters and he was turning every meal into a huge ordeal. I tried to offer encouragement to be more positive with them. I practically pleaded with him to change his attitude, but he insisted that nagging was the way to go. Eventually I got through to him by acknowledging the fact that it is hard and it is stressful and it's more rough when you are tired and even more rough when one of your children is underweight. I think the key was the fact that he realized I wasn't blaming him, I was telling him that I felt helpless too.

 

In this scenario I am your DH. I find it most helpful when my DH talks about it with me later, much later. In the moment he has corrected me and I already feel guilty afterwards, his comments don't help, make me feel worse than I already do and creates tension. One thing we came up with is if I find myself feeling like I'm going to yell I turn to him and say "you handle it" and that's the signal that I'm at the end of my rope and he'll step in. Much of it is lack of coping skills and/or lack of not knowing what the alternatives really are in those last minute situations (my mother was a yeller...luckily we were never spanked)! Maybe there is another discipline book that is specific to alternative ways to reprimand your children. I’ll look into it too!

 

I think this is very common and we are experiencing this right now. We have read Toddler ABC Guide to Discipline: Quick Secrets to Loving Guidance and felt it was a good approach since it focuses on positive ways to discipline. However, whenever they misbehave in a bigger way DH resorts to screaming and negative discipline statements. I usually clear my throat and give him a look then later when the twins are sleeping he will say "I'm sorry I forgot". I feel like we move forward with discipline DH comes along screaming and we take three steps backward. I am hoping that sooner or later we will both be on the same page. I think parents have to form a united front or else choas ensues, so maybe you could suggest reading some books together on disciple styles or even just talk about what each of you expect so you can have the same style of dicipline.

 

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses... I feel like both of us do the yelling sometimes, but mostly it's me. I get at the end of my rope too often b/c I'm always with the kids, every night to bed, every morning up. My husband's work hours are so crazy that he doesn't get to see them much during the week, and then by the weekend, I'm in crazy mode. I so need to learn the calm approach... my parents were never screamers, but I find myself doing this. and then as a pp said it's no fun to be the one who is reprimanded... and then in the same breath my dh who is usually much calmer than me, will lose it when one of them bites etc, and he'll yell at them or be harsher than he needs to be, and in a way it's good for me to see that it is not the approach either of us wants.

good luck to all! I hope that I really liked reading all the ideas here. thanks.