differences between "distress" tantrum & "little nero" tantrum

hello all,

my almost 17months old twin girl is starting what I think is little tantrums....

her and also her brother do have small distress tantrums now and then which I can handle pretty well, when they have the distress tantrums, they need our help to calm down again, holding, distraction, speaking softly, etc. usually works to make them feel safe and help them dealing with those big feelings.

now when she does what I think is the litte nero tantrum, to control and manipulate through screaming (with tears!) and throwing herself flat on the floor. I am not quite sure in which cases this kind of tantrum applies and how I should approach it. I do try not giving her the audience, I am not trying to argue or reason, clear no's, etc.
here some examples of when Liana does the little nero one:

- she sits on a ride on toy for a long time, then walks away to something different and her brother Kaden goes on the ride on toy. she wants then to go back on and if she can't, she starts.....LITTLE NERO?

- they both started to climb on the playkitchen, I pull them down every time and explain that it's not for climbing, she does it again

pretty much anything that she can't share or get, it usually does not last long, I just let her and she stops after a while.

I know not everybody differs between the 2 tantrums but either way, I would love to get inputs on how YOU handle and difference between when they need you or when you should more ignore it.

thank you,

 

It's one of those hard to describe mom things. You know when they're just grumbling because they didn't get their way and when they need you.

 

I agree with you that there are definitely different types of tantrums. I try to figure out if it is a manipulation tantrum or truly an "I'm upset because I don't understand this crazy world" tantrum. If I think they are genuinely upset, I comfort. If I think it is a manipulation (Little Nero - I love that!) tantrum, I ignore. It's hard to describe the difference, but I think mother's intuition means we get it right most of the time!

 

:blush: I have a difficult time telling the difference between tantrums that both of mine throw. What I do is make sure they are safe and try to ignore them the best I can. If we are out in public, we just leave.

 

Well I haven't really figured it out, lol. I mean, if she feels that she needs you and you're busy and can't, it's not that different in the end that if she feels she needs to climb on the couch and you don't let her... In both cases she'll end up very upset because she's not getting what she wants.

For me, for the very obvious stuff (reaction to something I did), I ignore them. When she just starts crying out of nowhere, it depends if I'm busy or not. If I'm not I'll sit down on the floor with them and play for a while. If I'm doing something, she'll have to wait (but I explain why).

I'm saying 'she' because she's the needy one. DS is very easy, and really only gets upset when we don't let him do something (or when his sister bites him but that's another story).

 

I don't think you need to :blush:. Really, my Anna is the only one that throws manipulative tantrums, and she is not great at fake crying - so I may have exaggerated my motherly discerning abilitys.

 

thank you all ladies for your input so far.

I agree with all of you, usually I can tell instinctively which one it is, not always easy.

I know it's not good for child to be in time-out or being left alone while having a distress tantrum, it can trigger rage and problems managing feelings when they get older.

so when she can't get back to her toy, or her brother takes it from her. she does not have a clear perspective on that and life, to us it looks like a minor disappointment but to a child, it can mean everything...so if I ignore that, I send her the message of not understanding her grief....
so it could be a little nero tantrum or it could just be genuine pain.

oh well, it's very complexe...I try now to see if she stops pretty quick, if yes...good, if not, and I see she is really "losing" it, I soothe her.

looking forward to more opinions,

 

I think my opinion may not be a popular one, but I'm an old fashioned kind of mother, and I don't cater to any temper tantrums, in any children, toddler or teen. DD is a bit of the drama queen and will scream and get upset for no apparent reason. As long as it's not an injury, like from her brother biting her, I just ignore the behaviour. They have been weaned off bottles for naps,(mostly ) and if they start pitching a fit when I'm putting them down, I check on them, let them know I love them, and then let them be. DS gets very angry when his sister gets in his way of opening and closing doors, and will start to scream. I tell DD to move so he can do what he wants, then let them be. I had my neice through a temper tantrum here the other day, and I refused to let her draw me into her drama(by the way she's 14. That's years not months )

That being said, this is just the way I do it. It's a part and parcel of the way that DH and I feel about raising children. Every family needs to find what works best for them.

 

Ok, where have I been??! What is a Little Nero tantrum??!! I didn't realize there were differnt types of tantrums...I just thought a tantrum was a tantrum and I usually ignore them! Can someone please explain to me the differnt types or tell me where I can get more info? Thanks

 

hi melissa,

it's just our way to see it and to parent, not everybody does make differences between tantrums...

there are different triggers for bad behavior, tiredness, hunger, immature brain, unmet needs, intense emotions, parental stress....etc.

temper tantrums are like an intense storm of feelings, it happens because a child's higher brain is not sufficiently developed to deal with powerful feelings in other ways. many tantrums are the result of genuine pain. deep frustration, loss, disappointment, not feeling understood.
only some tantrums are primarly motivated by a wish to have control over a parent.

distress tantrums (scientifically proven) are for us to help child develop essential brain pathways that enable him in future to manage stress, they need then our calm and compassion, ignoring or punishing can be damaging.

little nero tantrums should be ignored, children who are rewarded for rage often continue it as a technique when growing older.


....this is just the main points, again, this is our point of view and parenting, I know not many agree with it.....we did personally research on all that and if you're interested, let me know, I can pm you some references, okay?

 

Alexa,
Thanks so much for the info, it's very interesting and makes total sense! I'd love more info if you can point me in the direction, thanks! Melissa

 

Mostly I ignored those. (I like the phrase "little Nero," BTW. :ibiggrin: ) Say no, use very simple language ("Sarah's turn now" -- "Get down, not safe" -- "No touch, hot" -- etc.), and when I was sure they understood the situation, just ignore the tantrum. I would literally step over or walk around a screaming child on the kitchen floor. At that age, they actually learned pretty quickly (by which I mean weeks, not hours -- but at least it wasn't months) that screaming and thrashing on the floor was not going to bring the desired result.

They also did (and still do) have meltdowns relating to other feelings besides just "Mommy said no," and I try to respond to those in a more nurturing fashion.

 

melissa, I tried to pm you but it says you cannot receive any messages anymore?