Hi ladies I guess you´ve been there but I need some much-needed advice or tips from your own experiences. DH & I are in a rut. We´ve got a great relationship but since the twins arrived, things are different. He says I dont have time for him anymore and all I do is look after and think about the twins. To a certain extent he is right. Sex hasnt resumed since before we did IVF (we did IVF in September last year :blink: yeah, a LONG time ago) and when we had the opportunity to put an end to that, he fell asleep before anything could happen (we went to a 4* hotel for a night away). We go out for dinner but dont want to go to bed too late as we have to be up for the twins´ morning feed. We have good communication but there seems to be an invisible wall between us... How did/do you get that ´magic´ back? Thanks!
:hug: We've been there before. For me and my husband the problem was that we were trying to get back to the old "us" and didn't realize that would never happen here. We needed to figure out where we were now, and take off from that point. Of course it's all about the babies, now. For the first few months of their lives, they were all I talked about. :blush: But I think that's normal, or at least I'm hoping. Plus, add to all of this being sleep deprived and first time mommy/daddy jitters, and it's caotic. Once the kids were sttn, and we all fell into a more normal pattern, that's when me and dh had more time to figure out how to make things work. The FY was bad sex wise because I was just too tired and overwhelmed with things {worrying about the kids was a big one with me} but things did go back to normal at one point. If communication is there, keep on talking. It will hopefully all come together soon and you and your hubby can get over this hump. :hug:
I have been there too! My girls will be two in February, and it takes a while. Things diffently change everything once you have your babies. Things are going to be that way for a while. I try to find time with the babies and the DH together. Also for DH too. You can't beat yourself up over this, things will get better. At least for me they did. Try to stay positive and look at those beautiful angel babies that you both have. They are special enjoy them together. I hope thigs get better for you. Hillarie
Communication is key, you may need to take a little extra time and let him know you have time for him too. It is a fine line, of course it is all about the babies but you need to keep your relationship strong too. Talk, even just relaxing in the tub or taking time to play a game together. Find time to laugh together, you may end up with some rockie moments but if the foundation is strong you really should be able to get it back soon!
Someone on this thread called it "spousal support night" and that just killed me with laughter. I think it sums it up perfectly. We have all been there, and having twins is a realm of its own. I did find that around the 5 month mark things started to improve since the girls STTN, needed less comforting, and I had more of a routine in place. While communication is important to most men, "spousal support" is really what they'd rather have. Try to see it that your babies need a mother and father and preferrably together. It is still the early stages where you can make some changes to try to pull him back. keep trying I'm sure your relationship is worth it. Heather
Soooo btdt :grouphug: I know this is gonna sound bad (please don’t bash me) BUT if the communication is there and you say it is… make time for intimacy… I mean seriously… is going to bed 20 min later (if you have gone a long time it may be that fast :rofl: ) really gonna make that much of a difference? BUT I have “been there” w/ just one baby… and we let it get bad… ended up in therapy to save our marriage… just keep talking… maybe a little dirty talk is in order… ok, sorry… I probably crossed the line there :bump: … but just keep “at it”… sometimes marriage is a lot of work… the whole for better and for worse line… This go round, we hug a lot! :hug:
for us it was easy cuz he was in bootcamp and the minute he got home i jumped him lol. but now that we've settled into life its getting a little harder to maintain our relationship. we get along, watch tv together, play with the babies..but its kinda like we're bored with eachother. we're also newlyweds (a year the beginning of november) and the babies were a surprise so neither of us were "ready" for what we now have, although we do love it (most of the time lol). ive found little surprises really get him going and we reconnect and things seem pre-baby for a week or so. i will spare the details of my little surprises (if you really want ideas PM me lol). if sex is what you mean by magic, then do whatever you have to in order to get yourself in the mood, then attack there are weeks at a time where we arent intimate. too tired to be honest, and i guess he is too cuz i left the living room for 5 min and hes no asleep lol
Okay what do you do if your husband does not want to be intimate with you? I'm trying to reconnect with my husband and granted I did have complications after the twins, but its been almost 5 weeks since I had surgery, I've lost pretty much all the baby weight (51lbs), and its weird but for the first time I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever. Anyways, I try to approach him and he says he wants to wait; he wants to make sure I'm 100% okay. I just don't know what to think; I'm more confused than ever.
QUOTE(JLF518 @ Nov 24 2008, 06:42 PM) [snapback]1085367[/snapback] Okay what do you do if your husband does not want to be intimate with you? I'm trying to reconnect with my husband and granted I did have complications after the twins, but its been almost 5 weeks since I had surgery, I've lost pretty much all the baby weight (51lbs), and its weird but for the first time I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever. Anyways, I try to approach him and he says he wants to wait; he wants to make sure I'm 100% okay. I just don't know what to think; I'm more confused than ever. If your DH saw you in pain and struggling he may truly be fearful of hurting you. Men can't handle the women in their life hurting, not so easy for them to admit. So maybe he really believes what he is doing is best. This is another time where communication is key. If you are confused you need to open up and put it all out on the table.
Hey Lil sis' I have PM'd you a while back. So good to see the twins growing. Gosh, I could have written your post a million times. The first year is tough. I was so naive when I was pregnant because everyone said that kids change your marriage and I said no. We have a strong foundation and our relationship isn't perfect but we get each other. Well when the babies came and I was healing and we were dealing with everyday life it was so rough. I just remember that no matter what we had to talk. We had to reassure each other that we still appreciated each other. Even if it led to a fight we had to keep the lines open. Than I started thinking what little things did we do before the babies. We would write each other little love notes and leave them around for each other. Or just cuddle (not having to lead to sex but if that is what happened than great-us too with the IVF thing, it was over a year before we did it again) or we would just have a little talk about non baby stuff (which is hard). Many suggested we do date nights, although we didn't have that as our lifestyle before babies it may be something that would work for you. It is a tough job to be a mom and a wife and a friend but you can do it. And I totally agree with pp, you won't have that SAME relationship back because things are different but finding a way to discover the new you all over again can be romantic! GL and keep in touch!
We really didn't get ours back until the twins were sleeping through the nite at 10 months old. We were so tired from being up all nite that all we wanted to do was sleep We did do date nite about once every 2 weeks or so. That helped a lot. Just dinner will help reconnect. In the bedroom, well, that's a different story. That's still not totally back to the way it was and my twins are going on 3 in a few months I think my hormones are really messed up and caring for the twins along with my med problems, really takes a toll on my body. I'm really glad that my dh has never been negative about anything. He is completely supportive and understanding and I truly believe that has helped me a lot in the beginning. :hug: it's hard....
All you ladies are just fabulous! :grouphug: Thank you for replying and sharing your stories & advice. I feel SO much better just by hearing I´m not alone in this. I will continue to work at it. Thanks again
You are not alone for sure. I felt traumatized after long bedrest in the hospital, a rough after-delivery experience, and thus I've have been very slow to ease back into things with my DH. We went out on a few dates, but he quit communicating with me. So I quit planning the dates because I didn't want to be alone with him because he got on my nerves acting like a baby. I think he was angry that I was not giving him enough time. . . of course, having five kids (3 under 3 years) is very hard. He just kind of dropped out and quit helping as much. That made me angry at him for not being compassionate. Everybody was tired after such a difficult year. And woohoo, stuff just seems to spiral out of control! Things at 5 months are improving. Yes, communication without attack is good. Having both partners seeing the realities of having twinfants helps. Showing mercy, compassion is good. And forebearance with one another is necessary. A box of chocolates and lots of random comments like, "Your butt looks good in those jeans," or "I'm so glad you're the father of my children," or "Honey, I really appreciate your help with bathing the twins," while working together helps, haha! A scheduled monthly date night helps too. My singletons never gave us such highs and lows.
I never post about this because I know for the most part I have a great dh who is already becoming a great daddy...but so much of what pps said is so true. I think my dh is so used to me being this tough, do it myself kind of girl that he had a hard time seeing me struggle on bedrest and now struggle keeping up with two babies. It was hard for me to learn to accept help, but I had to. I just don't think he gets it. I'm staying home for the year, but having worked up until bedrest, I know this is way harder than my job ever was. By the time I get them to bed, I'm usually exhausted...and from nursing round the clock, I'm completely touched out. I make an effort to get over those hurdles so we can be intimate...and then I'm stuck dealing with the pain of my still-not-healed episiotomy scar :angry: I'm going back to the dr again next week for it, but adding that all up along with the fact that I'm responsible for the babies 24/7, even when he's home...things are definitely different. I think I get resentful that he can come home, play with them, but then if he wants to do something, he can just go do it knowing I'll take care of the babies. If I want to go do something (like take a relaxing shower without the baby monitor for a change), I have to beg him to watch them alone and deal with complaints about things he might need to do while I'm gone...I guess just feeling like I'm on duty all the time where he can pick and choose when he's on duty makes me resentful, but then the fact that I am always on baby duty makes him feel like I neglect him...ugh. Maybe this is why I don't post about this...it sounds even worse in writing. So no advice for you here because we're in the same boat. I keep trying, and as the babies go to bed earlier and earlier it's getting easier to find time for each other, but it's so much more than just time that gets in the way. DH and I talk about it all a ton and lately we've been able to get around most of the issues, but we haven't found a way to really stop any of them...just push them aside when we can. GL!
my brother in law had a really tough time getting back 'in the sack' after witnessing the birth of his first child. after 6 months my sister got him drunk and jumped him!!! some men do find it hard to see your body as a sexual thing, especially if you are b/f. i am going through a similar prob with dh - we had a good talk the other night and he feels like he is the one trying to make a move and most of the time being rejected. so he feels like i dont fancy him. i said from my perspective, its the mental feeling - my head is still with the boys, as well as it still being uncomfortable. i want to cuddle and perhaps more but feel like i must deliver iykwim. so talking about it was brilliant, we are both giving a little - he is happy to just touch and not expect more! and i am biting the bullet and initiating. hoe you work it out so that you both feel content. my mum always said that she loves her children but when we grow up she'l still have her husband.
The only thing I can suggest is that the two of you have to make a sacrifice and perhaps go to bed later or get up earlier. I know is sounds almost impossible (especially since sleeping is soooo important now LOL), but is the only way you'll break the ice! We've all been there and just thinking about makes you tired, I know! Maybe when the kids are napping??? It doesn't have to be honey moon s*x, Once you guys start, things will get better and you'll find time. I remember the first time was hard, but after that, we actually enjoyed each other more than we did pre-kids! :FIFblush:
QUOTE(Carefulove @ Nov 25 2008, 10:00 AM) [snapback]1085993[/snapback] It doesn't have to be honey moon s*x :FIFblush: so true... there are no floor shows with lights and music here... yet... maybe in a couple more months, now adding the holidays to “things that cloud my mind” isn’t helping my mood (as I do everyone except me in our families), BUT like i said in my PP what’s another 20 min less sleep every once and a while?
One word: Oral. There I said it. Can't put it back in the proverbial box now. Try it. He will thank you and you might get breakfast out of it. ROTFL My husband spends the rest of the next day wondering what he did to deserve it (not being his birthday or Christmas) and he goes way out of his way to replicate the behavior. Stoopid monkey...
We had this conversation on Sunday! My DH is the best (if he had said to me, what I said to him I'd still be paralyzed with indecision). I told him I was so sad... and I wanted to know why he didn't desire me anymore... etc. He's made of stronger stuff than I am because later that night he literally swept me off my feet :FIFblush: . It was amazing - and so important. So from here on out, we will make time (dishes? DH? no contest!)
QUOTE(Charly @ Nov 25 2008, 12:05 PM) [snapback]1086194[/snapback] My husband spends the rest of the next day wondering what he did to deserve it (not being his birthday or Christmas) and he goes way out of his way to replicate the behavior. Stoopid monkey... :rotflmbo:
It has been hard for us too. While we were TTC it became very prescribed and a lot of the fun went out of it, once I was pregnant then it became uncomfortable for me and weird for him and then the babies were born and he couldn't wait and I couldn't even think about it. We did it a couple times in the first couple months and it was no good. Things have just started to pick back up for us since they sleep through the night now. I have started to feel more comfortable with it and as a PP said, sometimes oral is a good choice.
QUOTE(Charly @ Nov 25 2008, 07:05 PM) [snapback]1086194[/snapback] One word: Oral. There I said it. Can't put it back in the proverbial box now. Try it. He will thank you and you might get breakfast out of it. ROTFL My husband spends the rest of the next day wondering what he did to deserve it (not being his birthday or Christmas) and he goes way out of his way to replicate the behavior. Stoopid monkey... :rotflmbo: I love this. I may just give it a go!!!!! :lol:
we just started to have "regular DTD nites ^_^ and i dont mean every nite :lol: too pooped! our girls are still getting up 2-4 times a nite and im more then zzzzzzzzz but we make a "date nite" every nite all we do is go downstairs and watch our favourite shows but we are together wwe play games together and some nites we watch umm dirty movies :lol: ---the kids will always come first; but we cant forget out our marriage its just as important to have spousal time
QUOTE(Charly @ Nov 25 2008, 12:05 PM) [snapback]1086194[/snapback] One word: Oral. There I said it. Can't put it back in the proverbial box now. Try it. He will thank you and you might get breakfast out of it. ROTFL My husband spends the rest of the next day wondering what he did to deserve it (not being his birthday or Christmas) and he goes way out of his way to replicate the behavior. Stoopid monkey... Ok I am spending WAY too much time at this post… but I did a bad thing and read this post to my DH… really I let him read it… he responded… "I didn’t look, was that posted by you…" well I have spent the rest of the day calling his stooped monkey :laughing:
