Dh vent

Lately it seems like my dh has been so abrasive with me. He just isn't acting very nicely at all. This all started a week ago. He went on his annual golf trip and I was miserable because we were all sick and I had no help. He came home early on the last day and I was so happy and I greeted him at the door with a big smile. But he walked up all in a bad mood and said "you aren't even sick" and pushed past me through the door. The whole week's been pretty much like that. Today is my sister's wedding and we're all getting ready. I asked him this morning to get some stuff out of my car so I could take the dogs to the kennel. He was all mad he had to do it and was blaming me for not getting rid of the stuff this week (I couldn't do it - I can't lift it). Then I asked him to zip up my dress and when I had it on, he just stared at me with this weird look on his face, like I didn't look good. I know I don't look like I did before (I was really thin) but I have lost a lot of weight and I've come a long way, and I feel good about the way I look today. I told him it's okay if he doesn't think I look good, but he doesn't have to look at me like that. Maybe this wasn't the best thing to say - I should have ignored it and moved on - but I couldn't help myself because I was so mad from the way he's been acting all week. Then he walks off in a huff.

It just seems like my dh allows himself to be overcome by stress and responsibility and becomes resentful, and then I pay the price. My dh used to be so wonderful to me and I don't know what happened. I wonder if I get down to my pre preg weight, he would see me more as the girl he married and be nicer to me. I don't know - I just hope he will at least be polite to me so I can get through the day.

 

Lately it seems like my dh has been so abrasive with me. He just isn't acting very nicely at all. This all started a week ago. He went on his annual golf trip and I was miserable because we were all sick and I had no help. He came home early on the last day and I was so happy and I greeted him at the door with a big smile. But he walked up all in a bad mood and said "you aren't even sick" and pushed past me through the door. The whole week's been pretty much like that. Today is my sister's wedding and we're all getting ready. I asked him this morning to get some stuff out of my car so I could take the dogs to the kennel. He was all mad he had to do it and was blaming me for not getting rid of the stuff this week (I couldn't do it - I can't lift it). Then I asked him to zip up my dress and when I had it on, he just stared at me with this weird look on his face, like I didn't look good. I know I don't look like I did before (I was really thin) but I have lost a lot of weight and I've come a long way, and I feel good about the way I look today. I told him it's okay if he doesn't think I look good, but he doesn't have to look at me like that. Maybe this wasn't the best thing to say - I should have ignored it and moved on - but I couldn't help myself because I was so mad from the way he's been acting all week. Then he walks off in a huff.

It just seems like my dh allows himself to be overcome by stress and responsibility and becomes resentful, and then I pay the price. My dh used to be so wonderful to me and I don't know what happened. I wonder if I get down to my pre preg weight, he would see me more as the girl he married and be nicer to me. I don't know - I just hope he will at least be polite to me so I can get through the day.

 

So sorry your hd is giving you unhappiness. Have you had the chance to ask him what is going on?
We had a very rough time the first 3 months after the girls were born and my dh was sometimes rude to me or curt. It was the lack of sleep and time to do things for himself that was bothering him. Not that that is an excuse to be rude...
I hope it's not the weight that is affecting him so much. Neither of you are who you were when you met, life does change people. You should lose weight to feel good about yourself not because you feel unloved if you don't.
Hope you can be kind to yourself, even if dh isn't. Make sure you do nice things for yourself and have supportive people around you so you don't feel alone and also so you aren't that affected by dh's moods.
Hope it's just a phase for you guys.

 

I'm sorry DH is being a jerk. :hug: Wish I could give you advice, but unfortunately, I too have a jerk husband some of the time. We'll fight and then talk about what's really up...he'll be nicer for about two weeks, then it will start again. Right now is just a stressful time for both of you. Will he take time to talk to you if you approach him at a "non-angry" time?

Shannon

 

quote:
Originally posted by axpan:
You should lose weight to feel good about yourself not because you feel unloved if you don't.


Don't EVER loose weight for someone else. Because once you get to that magic number, something else will be lacking...when you take care of that, something else needs "fixing".

It sounds like you're perfectly happy with yourself, physically. If you're not tackle that because YOU want to.

 

BIG HUG

You are sooo not alone. I though that we might hav ekilled each other those first few months and even now I wonder what the heck we are doing sometimes. I'm sorry he is being such a poopy head and I can only say that it get's better and for some stoopid reason they think that it is all happenning to them.

 

Do ya want me to smack him upside the head?

Seriously I dont know what it is with men sometimes. They just dont get it and want to walk around and complain because they cant handle the stress while we are left to deal with the real stresses of raising children.

Dont lose wieght for him. I know Im guilty of feeling this way too though. I have often wondered if dh would love me more if I looked like I used to but in the end I have changed completely, not only physically but mentally. Having children causes you to think differently and sadly a lot of men dont get it.

Hang in there...and Im sure you look wonderful today

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through! Everyone has made some great points so I won't repeat, I just wanted to add that if I am understanding correctly, your husband didn't say anything about how you look.......you interpreted a look to mean something? Is it possible the look didn't mean anything like you thought it meant? I would wait for a quiet time (not on the day of your sister's wedding) to ask what the look was about. I don't think you are doing yourself any justice by getting worked up over something that may not be what you think it was.

I hope you have (are having?) a great time at the wedding! I am sure you look fabulous!

 

s Kristie. I am sorry he's being so hateful. You should lose weight for YOU...and HE should love you for who you are, regardless. I hope you can work things out....and he starts seeing you for the wonderful mother and person that you are!

 

Let me get this straight. He got to get away from the kids and you for a golf trip, and somehow he's mad at YOU??? Sorry, but I'd say kiss my you-know-what! As far as the weight, that's just downright insulting. He needs to grow up and be more supportive.

I agree with PP, though, that you need to get to the root of it. Did he get a taste of the pre-kid days, and now he's having a hard time with so many responsibilities. Men do that, even though I find it obnoxious. I really don't think we women get nasty about that, and we all had easy lives before kids, too. But maybe you can get him to talk it out. I would DEFINITELY not lose weight for him. Do you really want to be with someone who can only be nice to you at your previous weight? Come on!!

I would also ask him when you get your girls' getaway, while you're at it.

The first months with kids are so hard on a relationship. I really wish people were better prepared for that. It's even more so with twins. Hang in there, you definitely aren't alone as far as dumb guys behaving badly go.

 

Bless your heart - he should treat you nicely no matter if you weigh
100 pounds or 1000. Maybe he is stressed about something else -
you should just ask him. if it is your weight - then that is so petty - those are his babies too!! my dh is stressed right now because of money and it brings out other issues -

 

Kristie,

Having children changes your body forever. You will never get back the body you had before kids. Good for you for loosing weight and feeling good about it. Good for you for not giving him that power to make yourself feel bad about it.

I hope your DH is nicer soon. One thing I learned from being married for 8 years, is not to let things go. Then they build up until you finally blow up. One little thing can set you off that you're really not that angry with, but it was that thing that happened last week or last month that you never resolved. Face and deal with the problem, then forget it.

Having a baby is one of the biggest life stressors. Hopefully, it's just stress and sleep deprivation that you guys are dealing with right now. That gets better in time.

 

Thanks for all of your replies. Yes, he had just come back from a golf trip, so you'd think he'd come back all happy and relaxed. I was fully in support of him going because I thought it would be nice for him to have a break, but now I don't know if I'm so in favor of these trips. If he's going to come back crabby, forget it! I think that trip might have given him a taste of the single life. All the guys stayed with their single bachelor friend who made a fortune in his business and has a huge penthouse on the beach. Maybe after seeing all that, it was hard to come back to life as a husband and father.

After he got back, his father came to stay with us, and even his father noticed how much of a *** he was being and said something to me about it privately at first, and then to my dh, so I know I wasn't completely imagining his mood. It was nice of my FIL to say something.

Anyways, we had a talk on the way to the wedding, and my dh apologized for being crabby and asked me to give him another chance, so I did, and he was so much better the rest of the weekend. We had a great time at the wedding. We brought the babies and everyone loved them and we had fun showing them around. He even came out to the dance floor and *cut some rug* and we danced out there with the babies. He thought it was ridiculous that I would think that he was crabby to me because of the way I look, and he said I was making that up in my head, so I am fine with that. I did interpret the look he gave me when I put my dress on, so that's why I probably shouldn't have said anything at that time.

He's been much more pleasant, so things are good. I am also going to schedule a massage and pedi for myself this week, and I am going to the makeup counter to get all new makeup, because I deserve it!

 

Good for you Kristie...you do deserve it!!

 

Mine is the same sometimes i just want to smack him! I would have retaliated too, **** if he can be stressed and snap so can you. We argue a lot to but it is because he cant handle the stress of having two babies. He has never been around babies before. He just goes and does what he wants and i have to spend the whole time looking after the babies. He was going to take them up to his mums yesterday to give me some sleep but because his mum wasnt in he didnt bother. And who was left with the babies again me. SO you are not alone i think it is just a man thing! to you x

 

I am soo glad you talked to him about it. Sounds like the wedding was great! Also glad to hear the look wasn't meant as you thought, definitely a caution for all of us who think we know what someone is thinking when in reality it might be something completely different!

Sounds like you have a great family (FIL included) and soo much to be thankful for! (even if DH is a twit sometimes )