DH Vent

My DH hardly sees the boys during the week. He leaves in the morning too early to see them and gets home at night after their bed time. So, i do everything for them every minute of the day.

This morning they woke up early so i asked DH if he wants to be with them. The first thing he said was "i need to sleep." not, yes that's great, i can finally see them. which surprised me, as its been 5 days since he last spent any time with them.

I let him be with them for 40 minutes and when i got up he was lying ont he sofa watching TV and they were playing in the corner, still in their pyjamas.

I said "if you miss them so much, atleast BE with them or change them into their clothes."
He said "What's so hard about getting them dressed, it only takes a minute."

EXPLOSION!!!! What sort of parenting is that? watching TV while they play by themselves??? not dressed, not changed. ESPECIALLY when he doesnt see them at all during the week.... and i do everything every waking moment of theirs.

Dont even get me started on his mother. Her superior ''Im better than thou and all other mothers'' attitude is driving me to resentment.

 

:hug99:

I would be ANGRY too. Maybe a heart to heart would help.... Or a Sat. with him ALONE with his kiddos!!

 

I know the feeling you are having... My DH owned a restaurant for a while (most of babies' year one, until this march) and I found him many a day spending "quality time" surfing the web while they play. When I had a heart to heart with him, though, I learned that he felt like he needed to squish relaxation (brain-off) time with family time or he'd have no time at all. He said, "I just have no energy when I have down-time"- It helped me to feel a little for him, though I still wish I could tell him sometimes to "suck it up" and get moving or he'll just feel worse after the kids lives pass before him. But I know that really wouldn't help, would it? Would it? Hmmm....Anyway, I feel for you, that's a really frustrating situation to have to deal with.

 

Sorry to hear your frustrations. K&K are up for hours before they get out of their jammies, some days we never do get dressed. The tv may have upset me but a couple shows in the morning is the norm for us so I would have probably thought he was trying to keep them on their normal routine, I wouldn't even have thought twice about being dressed.

I hope you are able to talk to him soon!

 

I hear ya! Annie (she's 4) was playing with her friend, our neighbor, while I was gone. They did the following:
Climbed on a chair to get to her paints
Got a cup of water for the paints
Spilled water on her carpet on various places
Went into the junk drawer and got out a screwdriver and pliers
Got a bunch of clothes wet
Had a fashion show of clean clothes and put them all in the hamper
Used up all the paints
Helped themselves to 4 packs of Quaker Granola Bites

He had no clue about any of this until I came home and checked on them. They were playing quietly in her room with the door closed while he watched TV. CHECK ON THEM!! Quiet equals up to something!

 

I hear ya sweetie! :hug99: I could've written your post. I just KNOW that some day the kids will be all grown up and he'll realize he missed out on their entire childhood.

 

I would be freaked out too. My husband sees the kids everyday and I would be freaked out. In the beginning, when he 'let' (I have to say can you get up today? in a firm tone) me sleep in, life stood still. He was on the computer and the babes played in their dirty diapers and pjs and no breakfast or drink. When I let him sleep in - life went on without him.

It took many times of discussing, nagging (if you want to call it that), fighting and sometimes yelling before he was trained (if you want to call it that). Now he at least changes their diaper and talks to them and sometimes starts breakfast. He still has the tv or computer on but he is half there.

Keep working on him. You need to make him understand how important it is for their development that he is Actaully there, for their well being that they not spend one more minute in a disgusting diaper - how would he like it? and he needs to realize know how much hard work it is.

If you have to - take an unscheduled Saturday off. (If you are not nursing if you are it can be an hour or two away) Tell him, I need a day away from the kids. You need to watch them and just go! I would say something like, I need to go or I feel like I'm going to throw someone out a window.

With my singleton my husband could not figure anything out himself until I returned to work partime in the evening and he was left to sink or swim and he swam. They do what they have to do just like anyone else.

GL

 

On the flip side... You know, a lot of guys I'm finding out just don't feel they have a big role in their kids. They earn the money and *that* is their job. They grew up with their parents in that sort of household arrangement. Maybe talking with him and seeing what *his* views are might help and maybe negociate. I understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing. He feels the kids are *my* "job." It's how he grew up.. actually he grew up with the nanny taking care of the kids 24/7... but his growing up is a long story. Good luck! I hope things get better!

 

Jackie makes a very good point. I don't think your husband's behavior is at all uncommon. It doesn't make it right, but it is what it is. Even in 2-income families men tend to think it's still the woman's role to take care of the kids while it is their role to mow the lawn, man the grill, and feed the dog. I used to nag the h3ll out of my husband when I felt he wasn't spending quality time with the boys. I took it personally as if he didn't even want them. He has missed so much of their lives (Navy) that I felt he owed it to them to spend time with them - not me, but them. Then one day I just stopped nagging. I shouldn't have to beg him to want to spend time with his kids, and when I stopped nagging, he actually started spending more time with them. I am sure some of that had to do with their age. I think men do better with older children than they do with babies, but that's just my opinion. When he would spend time with them I would thank him. I would say things like, "I appreciate you playing soccer with the boys while I cleaned the floors in peace", or, "I appreciate you taking the boys with you to the store so I could run errands alone. I am not saying that he spends every free minute he has with the boys, but he is certainly better than he used to be. I also think that everyone deserves 20-30 minutes of down time when they first walk through the door. It's difficult for me right now because my husband is deployed, but my kid are at an age where I can tell them I need a few minutes of privacy when we get home - to use the bathroom, change clothes, get a drink, and catch my breath before the evening activities begin. Sorry, I think this is one of the longest replies I have ever posted!

 

I wish men (or should I say "some" men) thought the same as us but they just don't. I would have been upset too, but I'm starting to realize that we're probably not going to change them.


amanda

 

QUOTE(mel&2 @ Jun 28 2007, 10:09 PM) [snapback]311269[/snapback]
I know the feeling you are having... My DH owned a restaurant for a while (most of babies' year one, until this march) and I found him many a day spending "quality time" surfing the web while they play. When I had a heart to heart with him, though, I learned that he felt like he needed to squish relaxation (brain-off) time with family time or he'd have no time at all. He said, "I just have no energy when I have down-time"- It helped me to feel a little for him, though I still wish I could tell him sometimes to "suck it up" and get moving or he'll just feel worse after the kids lives pass before him. But I know that really wouldn't help, would it? Would it? Hmmm....Anyway, I feel for you, that's a really frustrating situation to have to deal with.


This is our lives right now, almost word for word. DH owns a restaurant and we are owner operated. That means he's there Tues thru Sun from 7:30 am until 9 or 9:30 pm. Mondays are his only day off (I should say *usually* it's his day off - lately he's had to do repairs and maintenance work so he's been gone Mondays, too) and my only day to run errends w/o the kidlets. It does drive me a bit bonkers that when I come home they *might* be dressed but usually not and more often than not he's either engrossed in the History channel or surfing the web while the kids are doing something they're not supposed to. I understand that he needs downtime from work and he's only got one day to get it. But, dang! I need a tad of downtime myself. I really, REALLY try not to nag, but it slips out every now and again... :girl_devil: