DH vent - AAAARRGGGHHHH!

ok, i am SO po'd........dh is in love with our girls (due date today, born 3/19, 2 weeks in NICU), and mostly is fabulous with them: changes, holds, sings to, etc..

BUT -he somehow has this notion that he is entitled to a nights' sleep and when it gets interrupted gets very p-ssy and put upon. Complications: BOTH our girls have reflux: Danielle's is terrible, which means that every feeding takes at least an hour: to feed her, burp her, then hold her vertical. I have told him over and over that if he puts her down, she spits up, or just writhes there kicking her little legs, but he is so consumed with getting it over (he's very closure-oriented), that he keeps putting her down.

Additional complication; they've been getting EBM since they were born; i was on hospital bedrest with huge complications before an emergency c-section, and my recovery was pretty bad; for the first three weeks of their lives we were back and forth to the NICU while i was still recovering. So, I'm pumping round the clock AND nursing AND bottle feeding.

I have been doing days AND nights; if i'm lucky, they're not both starving at the same time, but that means taht i do one, then the other, then when i sit down to pump the first one is ready again, so my breasts get engorged. This happens all night long, cycle after cycle. If i'm not lucky, then they're both crazy at the same tim eand i have to somehow feed and burp them both (and i have not yet grown sufficient extra hands to do so). he comes into the nursery around 5am (so he says, it's generally more like 6 or even 7 if i've got them covered), and does 1 or two feeds by himself so i can sleep. However, that means i'm getting MAYBE 2.5 hours' sleep, because my magic inflating boobs wake me (or a screamng baby does)

To be fair, he was doing all of the bottle washing and bringing them upstairs to the nursery and the laundry and the food prep (except he didn't seem to get that i can't go downstairs for leisurely meals, especially as they are both on apnea monitors so we can't have a regular monitor and can't hear them downstairs).....but we hired someone late last week: she comes in about 5 hours/day.

However, although she has taken over the bottle washing and teh laundry washing and folding, and some other cleaning (the darn black granite counters have never been cleaner), AND she will feed one baby while I nurse teh other if they are on the same schedule), mostly she's picked up HIS work, not mine. She can't pump, and she can't nurse, and she can't really cook or bring food because she doesn't know the house and i don't have time to show her. She DOES bring me water, which is nice. But she can't sleep for me, and i don't want her to do all bottle feeds on them because i'm really trying to get them both to the breast so i can lose the whole pumping scene as soon as possible.

Mostly what irritates me is DH's notion that he shouldn't have his sleep interrupted. For the first ten days i tried to do it all alone: feeding two babies myself (nursing one and propping a bottle with my foot for the baby in the carseat on the nursery daybed, a lovely image), but finally a few days ago i broke down and woke him in the night. He'll come in, but it feels very begrudging.

Now, I get that he is working (although I'm irritated abou tthat as well; he was alledgedly taking 10 days off to be home with us fulltime whne the girls came home and ended up at work either all or half days at least FOUR of those days...), and i get that it is tiring to get woken in the middle of the night - BUT: we chose this together. It should not be a surprise. Life CHANGES when you have babies - you don't get to go to the gym, or go for 30 mile bike rides, or putter in the garden or do whatever for the first three months, especially if your wife can barely make it up the stairs and is nursing AND pumping.

So, what i want to say is SUCK IT UP, DUDE!!!! This is a LIMITED period: in three months they'll be sleeping more, but for RIGHT NOW, life is all about these babies and their needs. And if they need to be held and cuddled and bicycled for an hour after they eat to relieve the pressure in their bellies, that's what you DO , no matter how late it is or how tedious or how tired.

Oh, and, did imention that he's going to africa and india for work for THREE WEEKS in May/early June??

I know that he can't hear any of this from me, i'm going to ask one of his friends to talk to him (althogh he already did before we brought them home; perhaps now that theyre really here it will be more effective. I know that it's difficult for men but - heck, I'M up ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT, and I don't think i'm entitled to a nights' sleep. What is UP with them, anyway???!!!!!

sorry so long, tks for listening. any advice welcome!

 

How about telling him, "Look honey, I know you work during the day, but being a SAHM is a 24/7 job, and I need a break too!" Becuase, truth be told, he's getting a vacation by going to work every day. You, on the other hand, can not even leave your house from the sounds of it, meaning you don't 'get' to leave the office at the end of the day and go home. You are in your 'office' all day every day.

One of the baby magazines said a few months back that added up, a SAHM moms salary is equal to over $100K/year. Try telling him THAT.

Someone needs to clue him in as to how hard you are working, and that he can just forget about sleep for the next 6 months or so.... He's gonna be tired, everyone will be tired, everyone walks around like zombies those first few months, it's even harder with twins, and even harder yet with reflux/colic babies, and to add TWO reflux babies??? Man I'd be showing him how hard it is - by leaving him alone for the afternoon. Seriously, My MIL and I had to do that with my DH. We just wanted to go shopping. When we got back he was looking at us like how dare we leave him with 2 babies?? Even still to this day (4 mos old) he tells me, "and this is what I go thru all night long..." Yea?? well THIS is what I go thru all DAY long, so stop playing oh poor pitiful me and suck it up and move on....

Okay, off my soapbox now!

 

Ughhh men suck sometimes dont they!! Big :hug99: to you x

 

:hug99: s, I have been there.

 

:hug99: I'll never forget when I asked my honey to rock Connor to sleep in the middle of the night and he said he couldn't because he would fall asleep if he did. :umm: ..... OK, so I"M supposed to be the one forcing herself to stay awake after I've gotten up with them all night and nursed them and didn't get more than an hour block of sleep because YOU, who slept all night, might fall back asleep if you rock a baby because YOU are so tired??? Ooooh, that pissed me off.

You really do need to talk to him about it or it will escalate, believe me. It finally ended up with me one night asking my honey 3 times to come out and bottle-feed Con while I fed Chase ... I'd ask, he'd say sure, I'd go out and nurse, Con would just scream while DH slept away, I'd go back and ask ... finally I ended up telling DH "F-you" and hitting him. A very low point. We finally talked and it got much better after that. Now we are down to one nighttime feeding and even though I still nurse them, DH will get up, change them, and bring them out to me, stay up and burp and help put to bed. It makes you feel so much more like a partnership and not so one-sided and lonely. Those nighttime feedings when he's sleeping can be some of the lonliest times ... but it does get better, trust me. But you do need to talk to him or you will probably snap like I did.

 

Ya know some men just dont get it. Count my dh as one of those. I was so exhausted while he slept through the night. Id try to wake him up but he didnt hear me. I finally had to make the decision to quit pumping because I just couldnt do it. I still feel bad about that decision to this day

So my advice to help with your refluxy babies. #1 you can try a miracle blanket, to help them feel more comfortable or the best thing I ever did with my refluxy kids was to just feed them and then let them sleep in their swings. This way they were still upright and alot happier and sleeping alot better this way.

The first year is rough :hug99:

 

I feel for you. We went thru this same thing. DH was sooo tired when they were first born. I kept asking him how the heck he could be so tired when he got several hours at a time and I was surviving on an hour at a time if I was lucky. Men just don't get it. I would point blank tell him this is the "shift" he is going to work -or- he's going to get up for every single feed with you to help you. Our marriage counselor suggested that I ask him what we would do if I worked full time (I work part time now). Make a list of all the stuff you have to do and then divide and conquer. He probably thinks you're sitting around all day while they nap (which is what my dh thought). They just don't understand how exhausting it is for you. Like PP said, going to work is definitely like taking a vacation!

This is a rough, rough time for ya'll. Try to make it work as best as you can. You will survive it with or without his help. Just sucks to have to do it alone when he's right there. Believe me, I feel your pain. Shannon

 

Oh, boy. I so feel for you! And, I see myself being in exactly the same position in a couple months, because my DH -- wonderful as he is -- can be really thick. (I am struggling at nearly 30 weeks PG to take care of our 3-year-old all day, but he thinks nothing of playing golf for 5 hours every day, because he wants to "get it in" while he still can. Don't get me started.)

Anyhow -- clearly your DH doesn't get that you're working on MONTHS of exhaustion, from a difficult pregnancy to traumatic delivery to painful recovery. And, he has no clue just how hard your body is working to make milk, especially on lack of sleep.

So, yeah. Somehow you need to convey that he needs to suck it up, indeed. I suggest having a massive meltdown in front of him, which shouldn't be too difficult while operating on no sleep....

And however you manage to get through to him, let us know -- because I'll need the advice in the future! Good luck!

 

Husbands can be so annoying. The first months are the worst time with twins. I had to get "mean" and tell him that he had to get up and help. He is alot better about helping me out now. I know it doesn't feel like it, but in a few months you will look back and say "Wow I survived." Remember that there are plenty of moms who are envious that you can handle two babies, they think you are supermom (and you are!)!

I think daily that it is amazing we have almost survived our first year. Hang in there and know that it will get better.

 

Jordari... Ditto that exact same situation here at my house... so much for the illusions of my perfect man. But he still thinks he is superman because he got up with them like 3 times!! UGGH.... I will quickly turn this into my vent if I dont stop now.... just know that I am in the exact same boat here!

 

Thanks, all, it's good to know that i am not crazy.

I actually did have a mini-meltdown tonight: he came in and wanted to talk about 'our daily schedule". I was due for some sleep and said that i couldn't have that conversatin right then (knowing taht i'd lose it), but he pushed it, so - i let it rip.

He said, and I quote "this gettign up 2-3x in the night isn't working for me"......so i told him in no uncertain terms what the deal was, and that he had NO clue what I was going through, adn that I had done it ALL ALONE for nearly two weeks because i didn't want to wake him, and that although i hired some help last week, a woman who is great w/the girls and comes in for about 4-5 hours per day, she is taking over HIS jobs, not mine.

he talked about getting a night nurse instaed (which we did three times the first weeks the girls were home, and i hated it - someone one in my nursery all night long (at TWENTY BUCKS AN HOUR), who fed and changed them, sure, and would fold a load of the babies' laundry), but - i had to get up and pump anyway, and now that i'm nursing more it seems pointless to spend taht kind of money (uh, do the math!!!)....

And I told him point blank that he needed to suck it up, that this is what new parenthood is about, and everyone goes through it, and it's only for a few months, and if our little girl is suffering and i'm attached to the pump and holding one on my knees and have to sit here in the middle of the night after HOURS of being alone with them and their endless feeding/nursing/pumping/burpng/suffering cycles, then he can darn well get up and hold his daughter to make her feel better and safe.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and that he should talk to his male friends who are fathers, so he knows this is not just some female conspiracy, and that although his verbal acknowledgement of my heroic effort is nice, it's not nearly as nice as him being more involved during the difficult times. And that it is not a permanent state, and that I dont' get to go to the gym, or watch tv or even read the newspaper, much less do other things, and he needs to be much more conscious of how he uses the time he does have at work and at home.

I think he got it, because he stayed up w/them (I was supposed to have gone to sleep when he got home at 6:30 as he was going to the airport to pick up his sister, but this conversation lasted half an hour and i was in such a state taht i couldn't sleep. We ended up downstairs together for a few minutes getting something to eat, and he was very kind, and his sister landed tonight (and duh - i told him that instead of driving to the airport to pick her up, she should take a taxi adn we'd pay the thirty bucks, since the time was better spent at home with the girls instead of driving (DU-UH!!!!).......and she finally got here at 10:30 pm and i got up to let her in he urged me to go back to sleep. So i did. (and left them some time together so she could straigten him out, which i hope she did!)

and, miracle of miracles, i came in at midnight (three hours' sleep!!!) and he went to bed and i pumped and their first feed was consecutive and no one had a reflux attack and now they are asleep in their carseats and i'm finishing pumping and AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

You know, people tell me all the time "i don't know how you do it" (and i've only been doing it for three weeks, so I'm not claiming any kind of expertise), and my reply is, as my mother has always said to me, 'you do it because you have to, because there's no choice, and you find in yourself resources you had no idea you had".

I have the feeling that this is the first, although not the LAST of many similar conversations. I'm so grateful for the support of this board!!!

 

Oh, good, I'm so glad things seem to be looking up for you. Hopefully both your talk and maybe his sister's talk will have put things into better perspective for him. It's hard to get them to understand that even a tiny block of sleep (3 hours!!!) can help sooooo much. Plus, and what I tried to get through his head as well, was that when you are nursing twins, your body does whatever it takes to make enough milk to feed those babies with no regard to you. I explained to him that you burn about 1500 calories a day just in producing milk, so imagine every day running for an hour and a half on 3 hours of sleep and the toll that would take on you ... plus, like I said, your body makes milk no matter what, so if you don't drink enough water, oh well, your body just pulls water from your kidneys - if you don't get enough calcium, it leeches it from your bones. So run that marathon and only drink a cup of water and see how you feel. That helped put things in perspective too.

:hug99: I hope things continue to improve, I think most men mean well but are just clueless.

 

Men are wired so differently then we are. Sit down with him and have a nice long chat about the hard work you are putting in. Hugs to you and just remember things will look up in a month or so. You will never be happier when they do.

 

I could almost have written this post myself aswell !

My "poor" DH is in bed now. He's so tired since he only got 6 hours of sleep last night. I got an hour and a half, but nooo...HE IS THE ONE TIRED !

They really don't get it do they ?

I SO hate the pump !

...sorry, it's 2:30 am and I think my brain is in a meltdown.

Just wanted to say that you are SO not alone in the feeding, changing, burping, pumping cycle with a DH that thinks he's the one sleep deprived.