DH, stress, and being 'close'

So the elephant in the room has reared it's head again.

DH is missing certain things and is making my life sooooooooooooo much more stressful than it needs to be.
Obviously, this is probably one of the hardest thing our marraige is ever going to go through. I feel guilty that I can't and don't want to do anything but at the end of the day it's the last thing I want to do.

I do the bulk of work for the twins and do most nights by myself. I have little outside help. We also have 2 older children. I already have enormous guilt over not spending enough time with them, and also now sm starting to resent DH even more for making me feel like it's my fault that things aren't great between us. Ironically it is kinda my fault but as I tell him constantly, if he had to do what i do, if his body had been put through what mine went through having the girls, if he had as little sleep as what I get, being intimate would be last on his list too.

I feel almost like a single parent with a room mate.
Am I being unresonable?
If I could let him step in my shoes for just a week I would but what little routine we have would fall apart.
How have others coped?
Advice please!

 

Unreasonable? not at all!
Its very tiresome when you have little ones. Noticing your ticker, your also breastfeeding. Your libido probably isnt anywhere where it used to be because for hte current time your body is helping to sustain 2 others. Its not ready to reproduce.
My best advice is to find a way you guys can spend time together, whether its a babysitter 1x a month for a date night, or a movie/board game after the kids go to bed or during naptime. A quick shower together (you have to shower, right )
Sometimes a little effort goes a long way, and that goes for him to. Maybe you'd feel more in the mood if say he did bath night or the dishes and let you lounge for a bit....
hang in there. The times are tough but they do improve if you can just keep it together a little longer!

 

It's hard to go from being run on your feet all day and then all of the sudden want to feel sexy and be intimate. I would try to convey that to your husband and like PP mentioned -- have him do something for you -- like bath and bed time -- while you take a bath after or something (you can tell him that you are going to take a bath and put something sexy on) and watch how quick he's eager to put those kids to bed I bet. Even if you are bf'ing - he can do the whole bedtime routine, then you just run in and bf ??

Hmmm, I know it's very hard... so I don't have a lot of other suggestions for you. I know that we women feel "sexy" and connected to our husbands when they do something for us (lol) like the dishes, rub our back, etc.

 

For me, I need to plan to be sexy. I am not feeling it when I've been sneezed on and am wearing unsexy Mom wear.

So, plan a date together. You do not have to go out, but I highly recommend it. I know finances are tight- but. Call your best friend up for an SOS to watch the kids and go. You can trade with her next week.

So plan and get prettied up. If that's the salon for a haircut or just shaving your legs, do it and go out. You need to remember why you married that man in the first place and asking where the new pack of diapers is, is just not going to do it! :laughing:

I EBF too- I know that's tough. You usually get a good 4 hour stretch between nursing at the end of a night and the next feed. All you will need is 2 or 3 hours with him to feel human and like a woman again. I find that once I feel like Michelle, not S & O's mommy, I'm more apt to want to have sex again. Or at least the idea isn't repulsive.
:youcandoit:

 

big hugs!! yes its hard to find the time and energy! one other thing that I don't remember anyone talking about was that all the female hormones that go into making milk... also evidently make everything "tender"... and having sex wasn't enjoyable and even hurt me about until the babies were 11 months old and I got my cycle back... UGH! You're not being unreasonable... but... men have needs too... good luck, I hope you can find the time to make the effort.

 

We are still in this situation and our babes are almost a year old. And I'm a SAHM with help at home most days as well so I can't even blame it all on being the exhausted "single" parent. For me I think it's WAY more EBFing and hormone related than anything. I still feel like body is so "functional" and not sexual at all. Especially when it comes to my husband admiring my breasts I find I am so turned off as to me they aren't even really MINE! I used to be an A/B cup and now am D/DD so it's like having a stranger's boobs that are only there because they are feeding the babies and here my husband is loving them! That is weird for me. I also am still coming to terms with my "twin skin" belly and how everthing else on my body seems to have shifted around despite the fact that I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Slowly but surely every once in a while my libido perks up and I am happy that we did it. As my kids have begun nursing a bit less over the past month or two I've noticed this change, and in a way I'm looking forward to when they eventually wean to see if my hormonal levels go back to normal. Once a week (and wanting to do it once a week, not just doing it because I'm making him happy!) would be great

 

I was coming on here to post about the same thing and know I am not alone. 3 days a week DH has long days (he works 5 days a week but has a split shift 3 of them) so I am by myself and by the end of those 3 days I am exhausted. I would like to try to get to soccer practice one of the nights when he gets home but I am so tired the next day it's hardly worth it. And then there is my favorite question - what DID you do all day? I swear steam will come from my ears one day...haha. I was talking to my best friend - who just gave birth to her second - and we were saying how nice it would be to feel appreciated by our husbands, it's not like we are on a year long vacation here, this is a full-full time job here. The last positive re-inforcement I got was from one of the kids Dr's who was impressed I'm still breastfeeding and that I am back playing soccer. Can't DH just one day tell me....anything???

Hang in there, based on comments from all these wonderful ladies who have been thru it, we will get thru it too! Too bad you don't live closer and we could do a baby-sitting swap and go on a date

 

He does do baths on the nights he is home. Worse thing is too, I don't want to shower with him. This is as much to do with how I feel about my body as anything.

I can only hope that this will happen as bubs feeds slow down.

This is a big part of guilt that I feel. I know men do have needs and when it does happen, he is a bit happier. On the other hand I resent that it has to be this way. It just feels like another way tht my body doesn't belong to me.I know I should make an effort but I just don't want to usually.

This is one of my major problems I guess too. My belly was absolutely destroyed and will not ever go back to anything like it used to be. surgery may help, but that's not going to happen. How can I ever feel sexy when my belly resembles a deflated hot air balloon? I hate it and feel soooooooooooooooo far from sexy, couldn't care if we never did it again.

Me too about DH. I've tried telling him to just tell me every day how I'm doing a good job etc. Sometimes I think a little acknowledgement is the key to everything. They (DH's) are the closest people who have ANY idea what it's like with twins and for someone to validate how hard it is means a lot.