dh still doesn't realize that his life has changed...

I wonder if I'm the only one with the problem?

He can't let go of his old life and realize that some things just won't be possible anymore. This morning I had to go up and tell him to get up at 7am, and he took the kids down while I took my shower... then he wanted to have his coffee and read a book. Of course the kids were after his book, so he didn't get to read, and by 7.50am when I fed the kids he was still sitting in his chair hoping to get breakfast, not showered etc... knowing he should really leave the house at 8am tops everyday, and that today he has to leave work earlier tonight... and he got mad when I told him he should really get his shower and started throwing his food on the counter and slamming doors... I'm guessing he's mad because he took 5 minutes to take them downstairs and change their diapers so he didn't get those 5 minutes to get his breakfast (knowing the kids always eat around 7.50am anyway and it's hard for us to eat anything beforehand or they beg), and I asked him to help with putting the kids in their high chairs...

I'm really irritated at his behavior. It's like every time he helps with the kids I owe him something, and he acts like a 5 year old who didn't get a cookie.

UGH.

 

:hug: I don't know how possible this is for you, but can you sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel? Maybe also bring up that he seemed a bit frustrated this morning because he could not do his typical morning routine and that can bring up how frustrated or whatever he is feeling...

 

Fran- I know what you mean. My heart started pounding just a little bit harder when I read that your DH was "reading a BOOK"!!!

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I mean, it's bad enough that mine tries to catch part of a tv show now and then but A BOOK!!??? I seriously cannot even imagine. I'm supposed to read a book every 2 weeks for this bible class I have and I have had to drop out of the class ALREADY (week 2) cuz I literally don't have 10 minutes to speed read it! I would just crap if DH read a book! Or sat down, even! LOL!

I'm kind of trying to make light of the situation here but SERIOUSLY-- I DO get what you mean. Men TRULY do not understand that we cannot possibly do it all and be HAPPY about it. We can't just add the kids to OUR "to do" list and leave theirs as it was before kids. It doesn't work that way!!

I think it's funny that they (probably all men) try to just coast thru it like it's just a minor annoyance that there happen to be two babies in the room. It cracks me up sometimes to watch DH try to do something while the kids are swinging from his neck and he's basically swatting them away like flies. I'm like "Dude.. you DID sign up for this.. do THAT in your free time! Do the kids NOW!"

And usually he's too petrified to make me any more angry than I already am and plays with them.

Point here is, I GET what you're saying and you REALLY REALLY do need to make your thoughts known. Nothing will change if you don't speak your mind. You will build resentment and that is not good. Say what you're thinking and it just might change. Men can be rather slow on the uptake and often need daily reminders of what is expected of them. I am usually telling my DH that I have THREE toddlers and not 2, even that it would be easier if he WAS at work so I would ONLY have to deal with TWO!

Good luck!

 

My hubby is exactly the same way!!!!

 

Are you sure we dont have the same dh?? He's in his "man room" and I say can you come over here and watch the kids so they dont kill themselves while I go to the bathroom/run out to the car/get a drink/etc... he grunts and moans and stomps over... HELLO!!!!!! They are your KIDS!!!! They're mine until we're in public or he's upset, then they belong to him too. Convenience?

He was actually worse when they were first born. I actually had to say (in a fit of anger), after he said how about cleaning up, how about starting to be a father - they are already over a year old, he basically missed the first 8 months, and when they are 13 and dont want to have anything to do with him, he's going to be the first one crying about it. Ugh.

So I feel your pain... try to put it to him in a way that you would really like his help, or can you take certain days that you get some me time, even just for a bit... and explain that your routine is different too now, but if you can work out a system, maybe that will help. I had to tell dh that he needs to at least watch the kids while I get up and get a shower to go to work, then help me get them dressed so we can get out the door... so far, that's worked, though still stressful to me, it's help.

Sorry this is so long!!! I could go on forever about this!!!

 

It's not all men, although I don't know if that makes you feel better or worse. DH has always from day 1 done as much or more than I have with the kids. He is usually the one who gets them up and picks out their clothes in the morning, and we each dress one and take them downstairs, then I get their breakfast and he eats his while they eat theirs and I get ready for work. I think sometimes men act like their life hasn't changed because women let them or encourage them to act like that? That's not a dig, but women have this "do it all" mentality that leads us to, well, do it all. And after awhile that becomes the routine.

My DH absolutely does get to read a book or watch TV, and so do I, but it works because we are both pitching in to make things run. You should talk to your DH, but it's not going to change overnight. It's going to be little by little because I think it's harder to do now than it would have been when they first came home and it already felt like a bomb went off in your life. But he'll definitely never get it if you don't talk to him.

ETA: There's just something about the whole "asking DH to help" that drives me nuts. They are his kids too!

 

I totally agree with that, and I think that's what got me into the mess...

 

Well I don't do it all, and he helps a lot with things, it's just that sometimes like this morning you just have to realize that some things are not possible anymore...

 

That is so well said! :clapping: Don't get me wrong, my DH does a lot for the kids and can do 100% coverage when needed. But it seems that I am always bargaining to get him to do 100% so that I can go to the store (for the family), or the doctor or bank or shower or something mundane and chore oriented and when he gets time away it is to go fishing or hang out at a bar or well, go fishing.

I admit that I am my own worst enemy though when it comes to getting me-time. I usually opt for family time above me-time. I'm trying to do better and DH is supportive, but I have expressed how I wish that he felt the same way - that this is the time in our lives to be a family... it is a fleeting time we can never recapture. I wish that my DH enjoyed being a dad as much as my father. Maybe in time. My dad had 5 years between kids and I was #2.

:hug: It is so hard to be rushing around to get everything done and your partner is sitting around doing "insert hobby/past-time here". I have a tendency to :grr: and then have to apologize later. Talking about it when I am calm and we are removed from the situation is helping us.

 

I think maybe the trick is to convince them that, if BOTH parents are rushing around to get everything done, then BOTH parents get guilt-free hobby time at the end. We come home from work and both rush, rush, rush crazily to get the babies fed, bathed, in bed and the house straightened up, dog walked, dinner cooked, etc. but by 8:00 we BOTH get free time. And no one is mad. Whereas if it were just me doing all that, I'd be doing it until 9 and ticked. And then no one has fun, right?

 

Oh totally!!! He still doesn't get it. He gets to get together with his buddies after work and do things. Around the house too!!! :hug: I feel your pain!

 

I feel your pain. I work full time as well as DH. When I get off work, I pick up the twins and then run my oldest to either one of the 3 weekly soccer practices or gymnastics. By the time I get home, all I have time to do is make dinner, feed the kids, bathe the kids, and put them in bed. Just about the time I'm putting everyone in bed, DH strolls in from his day of work. It's totally and utterly pissing me off right now that his hours are what they are. All people should work educator hours and be home around 4. Then if I go walking after everyone is in bed, he does NOTHING. Just sits on the couch or in front of the computer. There are only so many times that I can ask him to help around the house. Now I just withhold sex. It's been 5 weeks at this point. I told him today that it won't happen until he figures something out with work and stops working so damn late. Did I mention I'm pissed off at DH right now? :headbang: And I'm getting ready to leave work and go to gymnasticss!
UGH!

 

My friends/family tell me I'm "lucky" that I have a DH who is a full partner in child rearing, but I think that it was actually setting realistic expectations of parenting duties *before* we had kids rather than luck. Also, we both work full-time outside the home, so it's easier to come up with an equitable division of labor.

HOWEVER, my DH still sometimes acts like his life should be back to what it was pre-kids, and we've had some "discussions" about that. While he's great about playing with the boys, changing diapers, feeding, etc. he also expects to be able to do things that I don't think are realistic. Like taking a 10-day trip to China this summer (expecting me to work full time and take care of the kids with no extra help), and staying up until 3am on Friday night drinking wine and playing computer games when he knows the boys will be up at 7am and I have to work on Saturday. :unknw:

We definitely had to have some serious conversations about this and it has gotten better. I think we do pretty well; I have to keep reminding him that life has changed and there's no going back, and he gets me to loosen up when I get upset about things having to be done in a certain way.

 

[quote name='Nate and Jack's Mom' date='24 September 2009 - 04:20 PM' timestamp='1253823648' post='1462041']
My friends/family tell me I'm "lucky" that I have a DH who is a full partner in child rearing, but I think that it was actually setting realistic expectations of parenting duties *before* we had kids rather than luck. Also, we both work full-time outside the home, so it's easier to come up with an equitable division of labor.

HOWEVER, my DH still sometimes acts like his life should be back to what it was pre-kids, and we've had some "discussions" about that. While he's great about playing with the boys, changing diapers, feeding, etc. he also expects to be able to do things that I don't think are realistic. Like taking a 10-day trip to China this summer (expecting me to work full time and take care of the kids with no extra help), and staying up until 3am on Friday night drinking wine and playing computer games when he knows the boys will be up at 7am and I have to work on Saturday. :unknw:

We definitely had to have some serious conversations about this and it has gotten better. I think we do pretty well; I have to keep reminding him that life has changed and there's no going back, and he gets me to loosen up when I get upset about things having to be done in a certain way.
[/quote]

Your post reminded me that my DH just asked me if I would miss him if he went to Korea for 6 weeks. Uh..... :blink:

 

I completely agree! I say this all the time to my DH, ex. You pick up the living room while I bathe the babes or I'll pack the diaper bag while you change them and occupy them for a few minutes. It's a partnership, this twin-thing, and our DH's DID sign up for it! I agree with the PP about setting realistic expectations. DH gets up with ours three mornings a week so I can get to a workout class. In turn, I do the baths every night (which I love doing so it's a win/win for me!) DH likes to hang out with his friends to see a movie, go to the bar for a guys night out so he'll do that once a week; in turn, I get my night out. Don't get me wrong---there are days I'm irritated as :girl_devil: with him for playing Xbox leaving me to tend to the kids and I tell him off! So we compromise...when they go to sleep, you play Xbox tonight. Tomorrow night I'm going out with my girls for some drinks! And we work it out! It is all about communication and compromise. Good luck

 

This is us exactly! But we usually have everything done by 7:30pm, even better!

As to the OP, DH has to get up with our two 2 days a week (the days I work). He gets their diapers changed, milk cups and a breakfast snack (a nutrigrain bar or a small plate of fruit grapes/bananas, a graham cracker, some dry cereal etc). Then he gets his coffee and sits down for a few minutes. After he's checked the news and had his coffee he goes and makes the kids real breakfast. This works well at our house.
The other thing is I used to have to tell him to get up, go get the kids, they are awake, they are waiting etc. I stopped nagging. Now I either just get in the shower and turn the baby monitor on FULL BLAST on my way or better yet I get the kids out of their room and tell them to go get Daddy- they help him wake up by crawling all over him LOL

 

I hope you told him "nope"! :ibiggrin:

 

There's an article about this exact topic in this month's Parenting magazine. It's part two of a series. I'd definitely check it out!

 

I think a nice talk with your husband is in order. I must admit even thinking of reading a book before breakfast in our house is alien. :laughing:

ITA. Women are always gushing and telling me how nice it is that my DH helps out, how lucky I am blah blah blah. I'm usually like WHAT? Um no.. he does not "help out." If he stops to pick up something I've dropped, he's helping... If he dresses the kids, feeds them breakfast, does a load of laundry, cooks dinner, he's doing his job as a father. He doesn't deserve a medal for it. The end.

 

Amen, sister! Just like when DH is watching the kids while I'm out, he is *not* "babysitting". He's "parenting"!!

 

Yea I saw the article in Parenting... loved it.

My mom who's been visiting thinks that it's normal, he's tired after his stressful days at work and I should ask less of him and do more! Seriously I can't wait for her to leave! I thought it was 2009, not 1950...

 

I'm sure she means well. :blink:

Eek!

 

Well I just HAD to reply to this one to tell you that you most certainly aren't alone! DH and I both work full time. I'm gone 50 hours a week ( and hate every minute of it but DH won't let me go PT or stay home- which is a whole other story!) I get EVERYONE and EVERYTHING ready in the mornings. I "maybe" ask him to grab a monitor from one room to bring to the other, that's it. And guess what, if I do, I've made him late for work- ridiculous! When I get home, I don't even have time to change b/c I jump right in. The nanny leaves and I feed and take care of the girls. When he gets home, he gets to go to the Bathroom- which Is unheard of for me!- and take his time getting changed ( mind you I will be in my work clothes until the girls go to bed) Then he sits and watches TV and will stroll through the kitchen saying a little hello. When I ask to watch the girls for a second, its a problem. Then I get them changed, bathed, fed again, brush teeth read books and the whole nighttime routine, while he SITS ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV! He tells me to call him when I am taking them out of the bath so he can carry one and then go back to TV. And then I call him when I'm about to put them to bed so he can take one and rock her to sleep while I get the other to sleep.
Weekends- Yea, I get up by 7 am b/c of the girls and he strolls out of bed whenever he wants to- maybe 10 or so.. it absolutely infuriates me and I find it so unfair. When I mention something- he says- well you enjoy spending time with them. And yes I do- much more than he does, but Geez, would be nice to have a little help here! I feel like a single mom of twins who busts her butt!

OK, I feel much better now- thanks for posting this so I could vent!

 

Wow, I have to tell you, I am saddened and a bit shocked at some of these posts/answers to your question. My advice to you is talk to your husband and tell him how you feel...now. Don't let another day go by feeling angry at him. I'm sure he feels your frustration and possibly he's feeling a similar way to you. Someone has to give in and get the line of communication open. Why can't it be you? I know it's hard to be the one...but isn't your marriage worth it? Respecting your husband (even when he's not being very loving) will be rewarding in the end.