I think/know my DH is experiencing some form of PPD/anxiety. Has anyone experienced this? He is soooo helpful and pretty much does half of everything, even getting up at night when necessary. The thing is, he has extreme anxiety when the babies are crying or throwing fits. He starts to drip sweat and is so hot he almost can't hold them because they get too hot. It freaks him out for some reason and I know he loses his patience. One is always fitting when we try to put them to bed and it is usually the one he has. We sponge bathe and swaddle the fussiest one first so he ends up with them while I do the other. Furthermore, I think they can feel his anxiety and it does not help calm them down. We have talked about it and he said he really has never had anxiety about anything else in his life expect for public speaking. He obviously says he would never hurt the babies but I don't really think anyone ever thinks they are going to hurt their babies until they do and it is too late. Sometimes I can hear the frustration in his vioce when he is shushing them to sleep while they are having a fit before bed and it worries me. He feels like he can't fix what is wrong and doesn't know why they are upset and it is like he has little panic attacks each time. He says it is getting better and I think so too. In the beginning I could tell he was a bit disturbed by the disruption to his life. These are our first and we ttc for 3 years. It was like he thought he was ready but really didn't know what it would be like, who does??? I was kind of shocked by how hard it was too but I have adjusted and love being a mother. It is like when we are putting them to bed and they are fussing all I think of is that the only that matters in my life at that moment is making my babies feel comfortable and safe. Sometimes I feel like he just wants them to stop crying and go to sleep so that he can go watch tv or call his buddies from home or just do something not baby related. We do go out just the two of us pretty often, considering, and we take the babies out to dinner at least twice a week. He still gets to go to the driving range and has even golfed a couple of times. He is also going on a golf weekend with his friends (its an annual thing) this weekend and I think that is pretty good since the babies are only 10 weeks. I am very supportive of his personal time as he is of mine. I just hope he comes back from this weekend feeling better about being a father. It makes me sad. Thanks, Amy
Oh Amy I think it is great tha tyou and your DH can talk about it. The only thing I can say that might help is: I once read that you should settle down the calmer baby first. Maybe that will help you guys. That way he gets the calm one each time and you then can settle the screamer/whiner/fussy one. My DH was a big help in the beginning. At about 10 weeks he was less of a help. He helps put but nowhere near 1/2 the work. He doesn't get out with friends and we have never had a date. I like your arrangement and hope everything gets better.
I think it's definitely possible that he has some form of anxiety/depression. Does he have a doctor he can speak to? Having personally had PPD, I would strongly suggest that he talk to someone. I'm on Lexapro now and it has helped me SOOO much. Just makes it so much easier to enjoy them now. The sooner he goes, the sooner it will be that he feels better. Shannon
Hi Amy. I could have written this post about my DH in the beginning. He had always been so patient with kids until we had ours...then, POW, it was like every time they cried he became so frustrated that it scared me (though, like you, I knew he wouldn't hurt the babies). He and I talked about it. To him, the babie's crying was maddening to him. He said that he was so used to being able to "fix" everything, that not being able to "control" the babies moods really distressed him. Also, the sleep deprivation was just so bad with ours that he was sure he was losing his mind half the time (I felt the same). I think that it helped him to just talk it out with me. Soon after we really discussed it and he was able to really vent to me just how hard parenting our twins was on him (like you we TTC for 3 years so he felt guilty for not being happy all the time with the babies) he got so much better with the babies. By the time they were 4 months old, my DH stopped getting frustrated when they cried...he knew it would stop sooner or later...and he started to find ways to sooth them. :hug99: to you and your DH...It will get easier for both of you!
Men can experience PPD too, and anxiety is often a symptom. Spending a long time ttc increases the risk for PPD, as does having twins - so he's got a double whammy. You wait for something so long, you yearn for it - then finally you have it, and it's great, but reality is always different than what you imagined. It's a lot to adjust to. So DH should definitely talk to a doctor. If it's just disrupted brain chemistry, meds can help fix that. Therapy can also help retrain your thinking patterns and build up your coping skills. Meanwhile - there was a great poster at the clinic I went to for PPD that said "Your job is not to stop the crying. Your job is to COPE WITH the crying." Maybe this mindset would help your hubby? It is so frustrating when you can't calm down a crying baby, but it helps to think of it as just being there for them. You do all you can to soothe them - feed, check diaper, swaddle, paci, cuddle, rock, sing, etc - and if they still cry, you can at least provide a comfy shoulder to do it on. Maybe tell him to think of it as telling a crying teenager to tell him all about their rotten day - his job isn't to "fix it" but just to listen.
QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Aug 8 2007, 10:04 AM) [snapback]361758[/snapback] Men can experience PPD too, and anxiety is often a symptom. Spending a long time ttc increases the risk for PPD, as does having twins - so he's got a double whammy. You wait for something so long, you yearn for it - then finally you have it, and it's great, but reality is always different than what you imagined. It's a lot to adjust to. So DH should definitely talk to a doctor. If it's just disrupted brain chemistry, meds can help fix that. Therapy can also help retrain your thinking patterns and build up your coping skills. Meanwhile - there was a great poster at the clinic I went to for PPD that said "Your job is not to stop the crying. Your job is to COPE WITH the crying." Maybe this mindset would help your hubby? It is so frustrating when you can't calm down a crying baby, but it helps to think of it as just being there for them. You do all you can to soothe them - feed, check diaper, swaddle, paci, cuddle, rock, sing, etc - and if they still cry, you can at least provide a comfy shoulder to do it on. Maybe tell him to think of it as telling a crying teenager to tell him all about their rotten day - his job isn't to "fix it" but just to listen. Great advice!!!
This sounds just like my DH also, but he doesnt do the help half the time. He does help alot until the babies get really fussy and the he threatens to just lay them down and let them cry. I am not that way. & I also know what you mean about the sweaty thing and sometimes when he gets upset his voice is not quiet so loving sounding. I don't think he realizes this until I point out the way he sounds saying this stuff to a baby, and then he kind of calms down. I am sure everything will work out and be just fine. That is what I keep telling myself. Because he does really good all the other times. He plays with them and talks to them. A very good entertainer. Good luck and everything will get better. I think men do better with babies after they get a little older. Missy
Honestly, I always give my husband the easier baby. He's wonderful with the babies but I just seem to be able to calm them better - I think it's because they spend all of their time with me and only mornings, evenings and weekends with their dad. I know my husband is going to be the main go-to guy when they get older and need help with their bikes, their toys, etc. but for now I do most of the soothing. I can related to how your husband is feeling - it's HARD dealing with a crying baby. I used to take it personally when the babies cried! Now I just say to myself "Nobody ever died of crying".
I think you're doing a great job of understand what it must be like for him. You are lucky that you have adjusted pretty well, but it sounds like he needs a bit more time. From your post, it sounds like he is really trying, and it's getting better, which is what matters. It can be really hard (especially, though not exclusively, for men) to be confronted with a problem you can't fix -- a screaming little creature who is depending on you but you have no idea what it needs. It made me anxious too, and I had done lots of babysitting and spent time with other babies in our family. I can certainly see how it would cause someone to have panic attacks. And what Fuschiagroan said -- that's a great way to think about it!
Many fathers suffer in silence with PPD. It hit my DH like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I was a new mother - of twins! - and had to take care of my husband as well. His was quite severe, but he thankfully recognized that something was wrong and sought treatment immediately. We found that a psychologist (vs a psychiatrist) was the best option. She was able to offer therapy, but had colleagues who could prescribe medications if necessary. :hug99:
