DH and I are barely talking

DH is a sex maniac. I am not, my antidepressants are bad for my sex drive. I've tried switching but it doesn't work, I've actually wound up in the hospital while trying to so I am terrified to change and the sex drive is the only side effect.
We had some issues before I got preg, but it wasn't too bad. We dtd maybe 2 times a week so he could live with that. Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces and am attracted to him also. When we did IVF, we didn't dtd for 12 weeks, I was scared to miscarry. We did it a couple times and by 15 weeks I had some bleeding and the doc told me "pelvic rest" (no sex). I was okay with that and DH was super understanding about it. He would have liked me to "help" him in other ways, but I didn't like getting excited at all because I was afraid and for other reasons that I don't understand! When I got to 36 weeks, I wanted to try to get things moving so we dtd a couple times. That was not sexy!!! Hilarious and quite uncomfortable though! After babies came (vaginally) I was really torn up down there. I was now deathly afraid to dtd! I held him off for 8 weeks and we finally did it (with lots of lube as advidsed). It was unsuccessful as it really hurt! So we tried again a couple weeks later. It still hurt but got better after a little bit and we were successful. I have been avoiding him, going to bed way after him etc. not talking about it. I still don't want to have anything to do with him sexually and I don't know why! So he's been trying and I've been saying no. I know he is getting more and more frustrated. He is also not a "romantic" guy so he just kind of wants to cuddle up and do it when we go to bed. Ugh, I sure hope someone can understand this and help me! He is a fantastic husband, provider, and father, super generous and thoughtful. Anyway, the other night (this is the really bad part), his cell phone rang at 4 in the morning. He answered it and it was a really drunk woman. I woke up but just listened. They were talking a bit and then he gave her a fake name and hometown. This kept on and she asked if he was married and he answered in a bummed out voice, yah. So it seemed like they were sort of interested in where this phone call would go. I was laying there in shock about what I was hearing. (He even said to her " she is sleeping"). Then my DH got up to go out into the living room to keep talking. I sat up and said what do you think you are doing? He said I've got to go, and hung up. I was in such shock I didn't say anything, I was just silent. The next day I said what do you have to say for yourself about that, and he said I'm sorry I should have hung up right away.
I have always thought I could trust him totally and this really threw me for a loop. Would he take someone up on an offer at this point because he is not getting any? He even mentioned once that it is harder now than when he was single. So we are not talking, I don't even know how to go about it. We hadn't talked for a day or 2 and now he is starting the "act like nothing happened" bit. I can't do it. He still wants to get laid and I still am not horny in the least (ever) but now there is so much more in the air between us.
Thank you for getting all the way through this and please be a siant and give your 2 cents on it!

 

Well, I haven't been through twins........yet. Give me 4 more months. But I do know that I lost all my sex drive when my first child was born. I'm on anti-depressants & diabetic. I know both can have a bad effect on sex drive. My first child was cesarian & we had sex about 2 weeks after he was born. Not because I wanted to, but I felt bad for him. Basically, that's the only reason we have sex now. I was working with my OB on the whole sex drive thing when I got pregnant with twins. Needless to say, that's fallen by the wayside. We're lucky if we have sex once a month. I guess I don't have much info to help you, I just want you to know that you're not the only one that feels that way. I would suggest talking to your OB. I think you can get a prescription that will help, but I'm not sure if it affects breastfeeding. I would guess that with 2 small babies, you're pretty worn out. He should understand, but I know that's easier said than done. As far as the phone call in the middle of the night, I think I would have lost it. I would try to talk to him about it. If he's having an affair just because "he's not getting any", he's not as good of a husband & father as you think. My husband gets angry when he wants sex & I don't give in, but he's not a cheater. He would feel so guilty. I know he thinks it's his fault & that I'm not attracted to him. It's just hard to explain why you don't have any sex drive. I've been told it gets back to normal eventually, but I've been waiting 2 years. How long can it take??

 

OMG! I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. :hug99: My DH and I have had many times when our sex drives were traveling in opposite directions. There are going to be ebbs and flows in every long term relationship. If more people understood this it would be easier to accept the ebbs. It can be frustrating though. I don't want it because I'm tired, or stressed, or PMSing, or overwhelmed with things to do, or just not feeling sexy at all thanks to these 40 (okay, 50) extra pounds. My constantly turning him away makes him feel bad about himself, makes him feel less attractive and less like a "good husband". It can also makes him mopey, grumpy and whiny...which makes it even harder for me to get in the mood! And the vicious cycle continues.

I read something somewhere once that seems to be true for me. I think it might have been John Gray. But it was something along the lines of: husbands feel good about themselves when they feel like they are making their wives happy. That's it. That's the big secret. If I want my DH to be happy all I have to do is be happy. I don't have to DTD everytime he wants it, I don't have to iron his shirts, I just have to let him know that he makes me happy.

As far as sex is concerned, I feel sexier when I initiate it. Of course men rarely give you the chance to do that, but I explained to him how much better his odds are if he either lets me start it or initiates it himself without whining or begging (because that's pathetic).

I'll try many things to boost my sex drive, but my DH would be SOL if he got a 4am phone call like you described! I know the sex drive issue can totally be worked out, but adding a possible wanderer to the mix and now you've got to have some real conversations and could probably use the ear of a counselor. Tell him how much you love him and how great of a husband and dad he is and how happy he has always made you. Then tell him how hurt you are that he would take a call like that and go from there. It stinks but I really hope you get this worked out!

 

I agree with the pp about maybe talking to your OB about the sex drive. That being said, I would be livid about the phone call. I mean, who is this woman calling him in the middle of the night? You not being in the mood doesn't give him an excuse to stray from the marriage...."for better or worse" is part of the wedding vows, right? I think you should definitely work on a way to up the sex drive, but if he ruins your trust in the meantime you won't EVER be in the mood.

 

just wanted to add that the woman was a stranger.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. That is the same thing going on here, and my DH has been awful grumpy over it. We maybe dtd once a week... if that. I am also on anti-depressants for my anxiety... and it has killed my sex drive completely, but really... that doesn't bother me because I could go without it... BUT I know DH shouldn't have to and that is a part of marriage... anyway... just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

Oh sweetheart! :hug99: :hug99: I know how you feel. I am also on anxiety/depression medication and have absolutely NO desire whatsoever. It's one of the very unfortunate side effects to SSRI medications. It has been my experience that it is a long term side effect that can only be alleviated by switching to a different family of medications, unfortunately.

As for the phone call, that is really strange. A complete stranger (drunk on top of that) calls him at 4 oclock in the morning and he is receptive to having a conversation? Something doesn't seem right with that IMO.

 

QUOTE(prairiemom3 @ Jan 21 2008, 09:35 AM) [snapback]582101[/snapback]
just wanted to add that the woman was a stranger.



First, how did this woman get his phone number? What is going on with that? Not having a sex drive for whatever reason a couple month after giving birth (to twins!!!) is not uncommon with or without antidepressants... and it does not excuse his behavior. I think you need to talk to someone together. If he won't go then go alone. Sounds like you guys may have bigger problems than just lack of sex. You can get a recommendation for a good counselor thru your primary care doctor (or maybe even your OB). I'm so so SO sorry you have to deal with this.

 

Yikes - stranger??? From where? First and formost... talk about that and what happened there... That is wrong no matter what but i can say that having a man with a high sex drive can be tuff. Mine is the same way BUT i knew this before we married and it was a factor in his first divorce... I knew this and knew what i had in him. KWIM? So i literally make it a point to make sure we DTD every other day. I mean once i am into it all is good... It is just getting to that point.. After putting the babies to bed, fixing bottles, cleaning the kitchen etc i am normally exhausted... However now that they are 9 months it is a little easier and things are getting to where i have sometime etc... Hang in there i hope you two resolve this. Him getting those calls are going to make things even harder for you...

 

QUOTE(prairiemom3 @ Jan 21 2008, 02:35 PM) [snapback]582101[/snapback]
just wanted to add that the woman was a stranger.


If it was a stranger, why did he not say wrong number & hang up? Sorry, but doubting it was a stranger

 

something definitely seems fishy about the stranger thing...I'd be checking cell phone bills to see if she's ever called him before. I think you need to sit down and talk to your dh. You need to tell him everything that's been bothering you. Honestly, I know what you're feeling about not wanting to be intimate...that's fairly common after having injury related to vaginal birth...and also very common while you're exhausted with newborns. But I recognize this is a need that my dh has. He honestly connects physical intimacy much more strongly to "how we are doing" in our relationship than I do. For him 'no sex' = 'no love' He's very understanding, but it's very, very difficult on him if we're apart for too long. So we both compromise...I don't say 'no' all the time..and he doesn't ask as frequently during the first couple of months after a baby. The way I view it...bottom line... you can't continually say 'no' to your dh and expect that he's not going to stray in one form or another... it's a really big deal to men. Most women feel that open communication is crucial to their relationship with their dh...more crucial than sex... most men feel physical intimacy is crucial. And I've learned that you have to have both for your marriage to be healthy. When I look from the outside on what you've discussed here...not only is your dh NOT getting sex from you...but he's alos having open communication with someone else and not you. (even if that was a one time deal) You need to start with the communication...dig deeper and make sure there hasn't been any other phone calls or relationships with someone else...make sure he understands that his choice to talk with this woman was not wise...that there must be trust in a relationship before you can be physically vulnerable with him. and if the air really is cleared from this, then you need to go out of your way to reconnect physically with him. It may not be enjoyable at first..but you need to make an effort if you expect your marriage to keep together. It sounds like you think he's got a lot of other qualities that make him worth keeping...so i think it's worth the effort. (again, I think first the air must be cleared about this woman...b/c you have to have trust.)

 

First of all, I totally know how it feeling to have no drive. But for my husband's sake, and for our relationship aside from being parents I make it a point to DTD several times a week. I rarely feel like it going into it, but like others have said, once I'm there I'm SO glad I did it.

Secondly---WTH is with getting drunk-dialed by some chick at 4am?! I will guarantee you that is NOT the first time that has happened. He has obviously entertained the idea in his head that this is ok. That's not to say he can't get back on track and recognize how horrible that idea was, but I don't think there's any way that pretending this didn't happen could even come close to resolving this issue. I would have a very honest and frank conversation with the man.

I know this is a rough patch, but I'm sure you can work through this and be a stronger team for it. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Reyna

 

Oh honey... I dont know what to say. I fortunately have never had to deal with sex drive issues to that point. I mean, no I am not always in the mood, but I have never felt like avoiding it like that. Sorry no help there. I have however dealt with PPD and a cheating exhusband. I also do not believe the "stranger" thing one bit, dont let him play you for a fool honey! Get into marriage counseling ASAP before the actual physical act of cheating happens!!!! My DH now and I have been to counseling for a year and a half to deal with our past divorces and all that. It is amazing, it really works!! You may need to see your OB AND a counselor on your own to deal with your sex drive issues. I am not blaming you in anyway with my next comment.... It is a know fact that men "need" sex. Should they cheat to get it?? NO WAY NOT A CHANCE!! But when a man isnt getting any at all, I know that this will do major things to cloud his judgement and he may do something you both regret soon. He probably needs individual help too. You can save your marriage, and things can be great in all departments!! He might also need a wake up call from a professional about what YOU his WIFE are dealing with. I am so sorry for you right now.

 

Sorry I didn't add, when he first answered the phone he didn't know who she was looking for and I could tell it was just a wrong number and they just started talking. I will be checking his calls though just to be sure.

 

QUOTE(prairiemom3 @ Jan 21 2008, 06:59 PM) [snapback]582540[/snapback]
Sorry I didn't add, when he first answered the phone he didn't know who she was looking for and I could tell it was just a wrong number and they just started talking. I will be checking his calls though just to be sure.


That's still just very, very bizarre.... maybe your dh is more verbal than most guys... but I cannot fathom my dh striking up an extended conversation with a wrong number...especially not at 4am!!!

 

QUOTE(Susanna+3 @ Jan 21 2008, 07:07 PM) [snapback]582550[/snapback]
That's still just very, very bizarre.... maybe your dh is more verbal than most guys... but I cannot fathom my dh striking up an extended conversation with a wrong number...especially not at 4am!!!


Yeah after having been asleep?? My XH was VERY crafty in how he covered these things up... maybe he was "faking" just so in case you were awake he could get off with the "I didnt even know her" cop out. That being said, I am NOT trying to turn you on your hubby or make you lose faith, I just want you to be aware of how easily this happens. My XH was a "great" man who took his family to church and did everything in the world for his baby girl and wife.... everything except stay faithful.... Okay really sorry, I again am not trying to convince you this is the same situation... pm if you ever need to.

 

Honestly, I would be pissed! You have 2 month old twins, are sleep deprived no doubt, suffering from PPD, and he's talking to some drunk chick on the phone at 4 am? :hug99:

I can relate to having no drive. Not sure if it's the antidepressants, 5 kids, not much time for myself, etc, etc, etc. But, I would rather have no drive than be depressed. I think most of the time with us anyway, we just get out of the habit of dtd, and since I don't have any desire, I never initiate it, he doesn't think I want to do it(which really I could care less to be honest!), and so it doesn't happen. Once we finally do, I realize what we have been missing! But, in the past, I have done the whole "avoidance" thing, so you are not alone there.

Communication is key in marriage. Jeff and I used to get mad and not talk for a couple of days, and it didn't solve anything. That "conversation" still happened, it was just a couple of days later. Tell him how you feel, and let him tell you how he feels and see if you can come to some sort of compromise with it. And about the drunk caller...there would be no compromising there, that is just not right.

:hug99: Talk to him.

 

Your DH needs to get over it! He is acting like a baby. All of your time, I am sure, is devoted to caring for your little ones, and if you have anything left, you can give it to him. It is still very early on in your babes life, and he should be more understanding.

 

Talk to your doctor. There are antidepressants that won't take away your sex drive so that may help.

Talk to your husband. Sit down with him calmly and explain why you are upset. Write out a list ahead of time if you need to. Then let him talk and make sure to listen. If that doesn't clear the air then maybe you could see about counseling, either alone or as a couple.

 

I can only attest to how i felt. For me it was partly PPD, partly breastfeeding (hormones), no sleep and more people needing me (exhausting, lol). I had NO ambition to dtd for a LONG time after having the babies (maybe 6 months). I know I dtd SEVERAL times for "his sake" and our marriages sake. So I would say at 2-3 months pp, this is nothing highly unusual.

What sounds problematic is the phone call, that one I would be worried about and address. That is NOT normal, most guys would not even answer their phone at that hour, sorry.

 

I noticed that you havent replied to your thread all day... maybe your busy, oh man do I GET that!! But I have been thinking all day that I dont feel like I was very supportive yesterday of you and your Dh's problem. I think maybe your story took me straight back to the days of my 1st (bad) marriage and that wasnt a good place for me to go.

I really really dont think you DH is cheating on you if you dont think he is cheating on you. I realize YOU and only YOU (along with your DH) know this situation in and out. You were coming here and sharing and looking for support. I am totally sorry for my bit of "man hating, their all cheaters" response. I hope you two can get the help you need, be it a med. change or counseling. I really will be praying for the two of you. And let us know how it goes.

PS... I do feel that sex is a very important part of marriage and I am glad you recognize that and I hope you can do all you can to fix the problem... but give yourself a few months to get used to these babies, I hope your DH understands.

 

Your babies are only 2 months old ... I think he needs to be more understanding. My husband and I are very opposite in sex drive, too. Even before we had kids he could dtd every day and I didn't really care if I ever dtd again. Sad, but true. We dtd, though, because of how it makes our marriage. If we are slack about having sex, we become more roommate-like ... when we are having sex ... even just once a week or so ... he is more compassionate and intimate with me in other ways ... such as just talking to me and spending time with me and the girls ... because he is happier and feels more fulfilled, he is much more fun to be around =)

We didn't dtd until probably 2 1/2 -3 months after the girls were born and not regularly until about 5 months after they were born. I even had a C/S so I couldn't blame vaginal trauma ... I just was exhausted and overwhelmed and sex was just another source of stress for me at that point in my life ... and he was understanding.

As for the phone call, it could have been totally innocent, or not ... who knows ... but I know that my husband wouldn't even HEAR the phone at 4AM much less answer and have a conversation ... but that is just him. I do know happily married guys who are still "flirts" and would have the flirty chit chat and it be innocent ... so you never know ... however, if it were me, I would do some snooping just to make sure.

Also I agree with everyone else that communication is key here ... tell him how you have been feeling and how it really hurt you that he chatted with that girl. I wouldn't be accusatory or offensive ... just tell him how you feel.

Good luck to you ... keep us posted.

 

I sooo appreciate everyone's honesty and advice. That's why I knew I could post, I would have never wanted to tell anyone in real life. I know that people would think he is a bad husband and he isn't. I know he's not cheating and he does actually talk to strangers and wrong numbers and telemarketers etc etc etc so that's not unusual. It's just the feeling I got when he left the room that if he was at a bar or something without me and a drunk woman started talking to him... well I'm not sure what he would do. Especially with not getting any.

I think it is a bit of my insecurities as well. My last marriage broke up over my lack of sex drive although I didn't want to have sex because he disgusted me! My ex made me really weird about it, it was sooo stressful and so much pressure on me. He actually told me he would sell my horse and car if he didn't get any THAT NIGHT. I did it and felt like a whore and that was the last time. I left soon after.

Anyway, we still haven't really talked about it, I told him I'm not happy but we are talking about regular stuff. No sex yet, he really wanted to tonight but here I am on the comp again.
He is really quite understanding about it but nags a bit as men do. How can I help myself get over this sexual block in my head and get on with it? Even when we do it if it hasn't been for a while, I get so nervous and giggle like crazy. it's really wierd. There's just something stopping me.

 

It sounds like nerves and trauma from the first marriage might be an issue... Have you thought about couseling? Maybe there are some unresolved issues that need to be brought out in order for you to feel whole again as a women. Once that happens you might be able to open up and fullfill everything. Just a tought, dont let it be too late when you choose to get help. Don't let you marriage fail because it was easier to sweep it under the rug... Get help and show both of you that you are working on things... Good luck!

 

QUOTE(jschaad @ Jan 23 2008, 06:54 AM) [snapback]585382[/snapback]
It sounds like nerves and trauma from the first marriage might be an issue... Have you thought about couseling? Maybe there are some unresolved issues that need to be brought out in order for you to feel whole again as a women. Once that happens you might be able to open up and fullfill everything. Just a tought, dont let it be too late when you choose to get help. Don't let you marriage fail because it was easier to sweep it under the rug... Get help and show both of you that you are working on things... Good luck!


Ditto this!!

 

OMG I am so sorry you are going through this......... I am in the "no drive" club, on the meds and gained weight and do it all on my own. DH never gets any... poor guy. I really do not know what I would do if I suspected cheating... It would go into the list of unforgiveables and unforgetables... but hopefully I could pull through it. Being that your babes are so young, maybe it would help to have a date night to get you away for the night, just the 2 of you. It can be so overwhelming being at home all the time. Try going somewhere where you can hold hands or walk with your arms around each others shoulders while walking and talking. Cry to each other if you need to. Be totally honest with each other and tell him you cannot do the "forget it ever happened" thing. Tell him what you said here, how you want to and are really confused about why you do not feel like it now. Explain that you are frustrated too but do not know how to fix it after your last trip to the hospital. Maybe you can go together to your next dr. appt.

I also try the gel and such... it does help me. You said it still hurt. Did you just get plain KY? Of it is not basic maybe it has some irritating additives in it that were actually the cause of the pain, and not the deed. Sorry if this is TMI for the board... cannot believe I am talking like this! (but the basic plain jane KY jelly works best for me).

 

I'm so sorry. I don't have a lot of advice. My sex drive was never that intense. Even prior to kids. But my DH is kinda the same way. For us it's maybe 2 times a month, and we are fine with that. We are a very affectionate and loving couple, it just doesn't always end in sex.

That being said, I imagine it must be hard when you both aren't necessarily on the same page. I think the most important thing is to REALLY talk to him about all your worries. Be honest with him, share how you feel, and encourage him to do the same. I think lack of communication far and away will always create the greatest rifts in a marriage.

I wish you luck, and I really hope you are able to find a connection to your DH again that makes you BOTH happy!