DH Adjusting to twins

My DH has been having a really hard time adjusting to this new "lifestyle"...the lack of sleep, his inability to have his "own time", etc. etc. He is back to work and I am still home for 4 more weeks. He thinks that just because he is at work all day, that he in entitled to a break when he gets home (i.e surfing the web, watching tv, etc). I think that he should be spending time bonding with our children. Not to mention the 100 things around the house that could be done--but I'd much rather he spent time with the kids than even doing house stuff. It bothers me that he doesn't interact with them like I think he should--giving them tummy time, talking with them, etc. Is this just a male thing? Do they find it difficult to interact with newborns? I am here all day getting to know them, so I feel like he would want to do that when he gets home. We got into an argument about it last night and now he isn't talking to me. It just feels like I am constantly having to coach him about being a dad...and I HATE THAT. I just wish they had the uncanny ability like us moms to jump in head first and learn to swim. Sorry for the rant, has anyone else experienced this situation and if so...any advice?

 

I think that men have a hard time with newborns. I think they are intimidated by them! Don't worry - someday soon your DH will get to the point where he thinks that kids are "fun" and you will have some time for you!

I would say just give him time - and let him figure your kids out for himself. He won't do things the way you do them but they'll get done. He'll get used to them soon.

 

I don't have BTDT advice, but I do have a thought as a 3rd party:

As much as you're adjusting to the new responsibilities and new little people in your lives, he probably is too. He probably has his own ideas of what fathers should do and fatherhood should be like. Perhaps you should let him find his own way in this, rather than pushing him to "interact as you think he should". Encourage him to interact, sure, but give him space to do so as he sees fit.

Just my $0.02. I'm curious what others have to say...

 

I am going to have to say yes, most men just do not know how to interact with newborns, mainly because they never have until their own are born. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do with them b/c it seems like all they do is sleep and eat and poop and cry, newborns can be scary, I know even I am not super comfortable with other peoples newborns. maybe give DH a little time to unwind from work and then encourage him to help you do something with the babies, even if it is just holding one of them while you change the other or get bottle ready or something? my Dh favorite thing to do is sleep, I know it is suppposed to be a no-no, but he loved napping with the babies on his chest and they loved it too. Once the babies get older and as my DH says "more fun" hopefully he will feel like joining in taking care of them.

Alyson

 

My DH had a hard time with the newborn phase. I think since he worked all day and my mom basically lived with us during the week he thought they have it covered. He did anything I asked but, he did feel like he needed a little down time when he got home.

 

my dh was much more wary of our first son than he is of the twins. With these babies he's all over them--constantly holding and kissing a baby. The first thing he does when he walks in the door is come and get a baby. It's night and day from our first. He was just scared of the little baby stage at first. Just keep encouraging him to be active and I'm sure he'll get into the swing of things. You'll find as the babies get older and more interactive he'll become much more involved as well. I wouldn't nag him, just sort of guide him to do the things you need/want.

Reyna

 

my x was more interested in our first son than the twins..

the best advice i can give.. is figure out what is most important.. quality time, house cleaning, his personal time..
your personal time..
and set priorities..

for me.. i cared what he did.. but i cared more that i was to exausted to breathe..
i had a c sec /dnc /galbladder removed and spinal headache..
my bf was with us the first wk.. and the grandparents never left our side..

he had very little time to be interested.. i pushed the family picture thing.. / and home video to keep the inititive intact..

as the baby got bigger and i got prego with twins.. i saw me doing all the house wk.. carying 13.5lbs of baby.. i found things that he could do
sitting on his rump..

like tie my older sons shoes.. and change his diaper.. i would drop the baby in his lap, with shoes, clothes and diaper..

he still has no clue how to pack a diaper bag..

but if i took the initiitve to place baby in arm.. he took the inititive not to drop baby..

this didnt happen with the twins..

and that is why i call him my X.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard enough for you adjusting to the new little ones in your lives and the last thing you need is to bicker with DH.

I think it's probably a little harder for guys to adjust. I was lucky...mine prepared for the huge adjustment, but even then, he was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility and lack sleep. He told me it's harder because while we moms get that instant bond, it takes dads a little longer.

I hope things get better soon...I know it's stressful.

Melissa

 

My husband had a harder time adjusting to the babies as newborns than I did... I think this was in part because I had read more than he did (being on bedrest for three months meant I got A LOT of baby-book reading done!) and in part because I was around them more during the day, so was more in tune with what them. I found that telling him bits and pieces of what I read about things like the importance of tummy-time, why they cry, what they're capable of at different stages, and sharing with him things that we'd done during the day helped him feel more involved and made him feel more comfortable with/capable of doing things with them. He adapted pretty quickly and now has much stronger instincts as to what they need and when. Also, as the babies get older, it's easier to figure them out AND to play with them!

 

My DH did have a bit of a hard time with the interaction when they were first born. He has gotten so much better now that they are older and they can interact back with him. He figured they just wanted to lay there but now he knows they want to play and talk with Daddy and laugh. So I think it does get better as they get older.

 

QUOTE
I think that men have a hard time with newborns.


Absolutely!! I agree!!

 

I think that ALL of us have had this issue. My husband was FORCED to become interactive in their lives cause we spent 9 weeks in the NICU. But when they got home, I had to pick up everything. He has really only now just picked up helping out. I think that it is because we are finally getting full night sleep!! I also think that it is because the boys are becoming more and more interactive. I truly think that men do not know how to handle this!