Defiant child

I have one. She was the one who would purposly bite me while breastfeeding. This is her temperment but it is starting to show itself again moreso. My husband does not deal with it well. He threatens spankings at any thing that seems defiant. I'd like to discipline without hitting. :help: For example this morning I was writing two notes for the kids to bring to school to let the teachers know I am going to pick them up from school. Audrey was across the table and was asking what I was doing and before I could speak, he was physically turning her head towards the cereal bowl after his 2nd warning to eat (She does not like to eat breakfast.). I disagree with that. He did not need to use force. But, later, she accidently stepped on her brother's foot and refused to say she was sorry. You ask her nicely to do something (like say you're sorry) and she just stares at you. She clearly understands what is being asked of her, but says: "no" or just stares at you refusing to do it.

Any suggestions? I'd love to say that I could take something away from her or she loses a priviledge, but I don't know what means all that much to her or something that would make a point. After dh's head turning move earlier, she cried, wanting to snuggle. So, obviously that did not make her eat. If he would have waiting until I answered, there would not have been an issue, but he was raised different than I was and is NOT going to any Early Childhood Parent Ed classes with me.

Any suggestions?

 

My girls are younger, but what has worked well is consistency. Consistent consequences for defiance include putting them in time out (even during breakfast), or taking something away and putting that in time out. Lately for one of my girls that means taking away her headband. It doesn't seem like a big deal but she loves headbands, and if I threaten to take it away she changes her attitude quickly. One thing I haven't tried , but might because one of my girls is starting to really get a sassy mouth (gotta love what they learn in school), is a sticker chart for every time she listens to me and doesn't talk back. I'm so done with negotiating with them! Good luck! I hope you can get your DH on board too.

 

Me three! Alice is a bit younger than Audrey though. But she's been increasingly defiant in the past few weeks, since the beginning of December. She spends a lot of time in TO for sass, but when she's really angry, I just tell her to go to her room and come down when she's happy. Apparently on Saturday she didn't come down for over an hour (I put her in her room, then I went to get groceries.)

I've told her that it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be mad, but you don't yell at me or daddy. (Royce is fair game though, he yells back at her.) It sounds like she was curious though, and not trying to be mischevious or bad?

 

The breakfast issue : Does she maybe not like what's being served? Does she get a simple choice on what to eat?

Any time the girls get real out of hand I make them say who the boss is. This usually gets them to thinking in the correct direction

 

She would probably eat pancakes/waffles or french toast every day. She eats a bare minimum of any cereal I give her, except really sugary cereal which does not stay in her long enough (she is hungry sooner later on.). So, her choices for cereal are cheerios, rice krisbies or golden grahams. Oatmeal is always a choice as well. New cereals she is excited for but that lasts a day. If I were to give her a half cup of cereal, she'd probably eat about half of it.

Breakfast is important, but if I give her pancakes/waffles or french toast, then I'd have to give her brother the same. He's good with cereal.

 

I keep checking back, because i have a couple of defiant kids myself, and some days I just want to pull my hair out, I'm so tired of arguing/negotiating with children!!

 

I have no advice, just sympathy. My girls aren't necessarily defiant yet, but Paul doesn't always handle things the way I would choose for him to. He tends to be very hard-nosed about things that I find trivial (pick your battles, man!) and sometimes his tone of voice makes my toes curl.

 

Timothy has defiant moments. He tends to be more of a challenge with his personality just in general. I don't know if any of these things would help, but I'll throw them out there.

Something that helps is him seeing me and dh doing things we don't necessarily like to do. I just tell Timothy "you don't have to like, you just need to do it." I vocalize those same sentiments when we're doing things like cleaning toilets. I don't have to like, it just needs done. The kids just always seem so surprised to find out there are things that dh and I do that we don't really like. We try to set the example of just doing things nicely and without much complaining even though we'd rather not.

I pick my battles. It's taken to this year to find something Sarah likes to eat for bfast. She's just not a huge cereal fan. And I had to get okay with that. If your daughter wants waffles and pancakes, I'd make up batches on the weekend to freeze. I'd microwave them for bfast. And I still serve those on melamine plates and cut them with a pizza cutter to speed things along.

Often when Timothy gets defiant it means he needs some time away from everybody to cool off. I send him to his room to sit on his bed and calm down.

The other thing is I have to stay calm. The defiant behaviour seems much more about seeing my reaction as opposed to getting their own way. If I'll react by giving in, or if I get mad and give them a bunch of attention. If someone won't apologize, the victim gets to go play. The non-apologizer gets to go sit on their bed until they will apologize. And I try to keep a level tone of voice and just be very matter-of-fact about it.

Marissa

 

Choices are going to become your best friend. I really enjoy the book "Positive Discipline", it lays out how to set them up to understand choices and empower them to make choices. I completely disagree with how your DH handled her this morning. I am sorry but she sounded curious, not ill meaning. If you aren't comfortable with his style of discipline, you need to force it because as they get older, it gets harder to keep them in line.

Back to choices: Our morning looks like this "Do you want Cheerios or Raisin Bran?" If Aaron comes up with a 3rd option that is reasonable, I am ok with it. If it's something I don't want to cook or deal with, I tell him "today, your choices are cheerios or raisin bran and if you can't decide, I will pick."

For saying sorry "I know you didn't mean to step on your brother's foot but it still hurt him. You can say you are sorry now or you can go to your room to think about your behavior. I expect to hear you apologize to your brother when you come out."

As for breakfast, do they have morning snack in her class? Could she eat a light breakfast and bring in a morning snack as second breakfast? My son brings in a bowl of chex so it is like a second breakfast at school.


The link to the book I recommend is:

http://www.AMazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=positive+discipline&x=0&y=0&sprefix=positive+

 

The disagreement between you and DH is going to be the hard thing to resolve. I don't have great advice, as I have one very defiant child at the moment too, but FWIW, I think it's the age. My most defiant one at the moment is actually the one who was the most easygoing when they were younger! But now she is feeling her oats.

I also ditto everything Marissa said. I've had surprisingly good results with saying some sympathetic variation on "Suck it up, kid." There are things in life that you just have to do, whether you like it or not, and if you can express sympathy with the fact that they don't want to (while making clear that it's not optional), it can help.

 

Thanks!

 

You have to teach your daughter to solve problems by talking through things, not by holding an unbendable position and sticking to it. But she will not learn to apologize, compromise, discuss problems, and sympathize with others, if your husband doesn't act the same way with her. She can only learn to apologize to others if she sees her father apologizing to her for a mistake he made. If your husband doesn't show your daughter how to handle a disagreement in a calm manner, how is she supposed to learn to communicate her disagreements in a calm, constructive manner? If your husband's answer to defiance is physical punishment, then he teaches her that it's more important to get your way than to listen to what someone else has to say. He is the parent here, he has to show her first how to handle a volatile situation calmly before she can learn to do it herself.


Every child goes through a defiant period, it's a normal part of childhood. But what the child learns about how to solve conflicts depends on how the parents behave during this period.

 

Thanks for bring up this topic. I have a defiant child too and she hates being sent to her room. But it does give her time to think about what she did wrong and then she will come downstairs to apologize.

 

I can so relate, my dd (who is just a few month older than yours) is going through a pretty bad defiant period right now. She absolutely hates time out and being sent to her room, so guess what happens when she does it?!

Fairly easy to deal with in a 6 years old... but I'd like input from parents with older girls: what do we have to look forward to during the teen years (or do I want to know?! Ignorance can be bliss )

 

I'm sticking with ignorance is bliss.

 

Zoe tries our patience on a daily basis. We do not spank and I try so hard not to yell. I have learned (she is going to be 9) that she has her routines and gets troubled when she gets off those. She decides her breakfast, 90% of the time is Honey Nut Cherrios and sometimes she will ask for a waffle (eggo's). I have learned that she will not eat specific foods and do not try to force her anymore. She could eat spaghetti every night of her life (yes I make her a seperate meal every night).

However if she is defiant and throws a fit, hits or anything she goes right up to her room which is what she hates the most. I saw a therapist regarding Zoes behavior and she said if you are going to do something punishment wise it has to be immediate and no backing down. Zoe has been grounded from video games for 3 days, tv for 2 days etc...

 

I have used a star chart with my 3 youngest boys. They have morning duties and night duties and they must behave at school. I have changed the number of stars they get for doing something as well as the reward as they have gotten older...

*They must get up and get dressed without a fight in the morning, take their breakfast items off the table and put them in the sink when done, brush their teeth and be ready to go by the time we are walking out the door... I give one star for that...

* If they get a good report from school and bring all the stuff needed from school- one star,

* then at home they hang up their backpacks, do their homework, clean off the table after dinner and get ready for bed when it's time- one star.

They can get up to 3 stars a day and they can spend those stars on TV time (5 stars), video game time (8 stars), have a friend over (10 stars), friend spend the night (15 stars)..... This has really helped although I wonder if my 8 year old is ADD b/c he gets so distracted and can't remember what to do (even though it's written on his chart)- he just goes into his own little world (esp. when reading) and nothing else exists... I guess on a positive note, at least he reads. My 17 year old HATES to read!