Dealing with the grandparents.....

Sorry in advance if this is kinda long.

The grandparents are the only help I have, and they live an hour away. I have had issues with my MIL and FIL since the twins were itty bitty, and issues with my father and his girlfriend are starting to rise a lil.

I simply do not trust my MIL. She doesn't listen to me or my husband at all. She is going to do what she is going to do no matter what consequences anyone else has to deal with. For example.....I have been telling her for months to ignore the tantrums and to absolutely not pick the girls up unless they are hurt or say "up". What does she do? As soon as eithr of them starts to fuss about anything she is right there to swop them into her arms. SO when I get them home after one night they are absolutely horrible and want to be picked up and carried the whole time. AS for not listening......the last ime she kept them I told her that they really only need one nap a day (22 months) unless they have a HORRIBLE night of not sleeping. SHe looked at me and said "when did you start that?" It took everything in my power to not yell at her "we have been doing this solid one nap for about five months." I am also really tired of her telling me how tired she gets after keeping the twins for a night. Some other issues I have with them.....she never calls to check on the girls, they never offer to keep the girls, and they NEVER drive the hour to come see them. WE saw them this weekend for two hours for the first time at our house since Christmas and they have only seen the twins one other time since Christmas.

As for my dad and his girlfriend.....they keep the twins one night a week normally and they offer to do that. That is great, but they pay no attention to the schedule I have the girls on. If the girls eat lunch here at 11:30 they may not eat lunch there until 1. Nap and bed time also normally happens an hour to hour and a half later at their house. I have tried not to say anything but that is starting to get on my nerves. They have four dogs and two cats in the house which is fine, but they have puppy pads down everywhere and sometimes the girls have been caught playing with dog poop or have slipped and fallen on the wet puppy pads. They also do not listen to what I have told them about tantrums and to just ignore them. They tell me that it annoys them to hear the girls scream so they would rather distract them or tell them "no whiny". Well that may work at their house, but it doesn't work at mine. They are smokers ( I am too, but not in the house or in the car) and they smoke in the house and their car smells like straight tobacco and old cigarettes.....my kids come home smelling awful. I made a comment about the girls smelling like smoke and they both laughed. The last thing with them is their attitudes about helping if they haven't offered. If I am having one of those days and call to see if they could come help I get attitude from them like it is the biggest inconveinence in the world.

With that said....how dO I handle this? My husband and I are both only children so this is the only family we have and the only grandchildren they will have. The MIL and my father are both very passive agressive and they will pout for ever. This is actually part of the problem with the MIL...she is still mad at me and my husband from when the twins were little. Also, I get that the twins are fun, but they have a brand new 15 week old granddaughter that they pay no attention to. Noone ever wants to keep her. What would you do???

Thanks

 

:hug: It's hard when you don't have a lot of help. That is nice of your dad/girlfriend to take them overnight every week! Wow!

One thing I have learned is that not everyone is going to do things YOUR way. I agree with the dog poop issue being gross and not good, but I've learned that they shouldn't be expected to keep the same schedule as you have them on. If it is starving them and not feeding them enough then I would say something, but one night a week isn't going to hurt too much.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. Kids learn that. I know to ignore the tantrums and they'll go away faster but my mom coddles them when that happens and tries to fix what they are upset about. Again, everyone deals with things different.

My recent dilemna is that grandma wanted to do my kids' homework FOR THEM. I tried to stay calm and explain to her that her printing the names on the valentines day cards would NOT be helping them write their letters. I don't know that she grasped that concept. :umm:

So, my advice is to try to take a step back and know that everyone is different. Try to be flexible when you can be. Take a deep breath and enjoy any 'free' time! :hug:

 

I have tried to be slexible for many many months, and I think that is part of the problem. I think the grandparents took my flexibility as free reign to do what ever they want to do with my kids. I get that things are gonna be done different at their houses, but with three kids under that age of two I am finding myself to be getting bavk into contoll mode. It is the only I can survive.

 

Hi -

Isn't family fun sometimes?? I really, really struggled with my in-laws when my kids were born. I just felt so upset that they didn't seem to want to help at all. They wanted to visit (about once every 6 weeks or so) but just to sit and look at them for an hour or so and no more. They even expected me to make them lunch when they visited and never even so much as put a dish in the dishwasher - this was when my kids were babies & I was still getting about 4 hours of sleep a night.

Anyway, long story short. What I learned (to keep myself sane!) is not to expect help. As my friend told me - our parents have already raised their kids, now they get to just enjoy playing with their Grandkids!!! LOL) If help is offered then I take it as a bonus and am grateful for it but I never expect it. And, if they do things a little differently I try to take it as a good thing - good to expose them to different routines etc and as long as it's not dangerous then i'm happy. My parents are AWESOME but they love to feed the kids all sorts of 'crap' - donuts all the time, mcdonalds etc. Used to really upset me - but then I realized it wasn't enough to hurt them and I just let it go.

Good luck!

 

sorry forgot to add one thing - is it possible for you to get your kids into a co-op nursery school if you are a SAHM? This is cheaper as you have to help once or twice a month, but is really great to get the kids out of the house and give you a break. It is very difficult if you don't have any other help, and the help you have is not that helpful.....everyone needs a break. Just a thought.

 

:hug: It's hard. Have you tried talking to them? I like the advice the other poster wrote.. don't expect help. I found at about 8 months that I stayed saner when I didn't bring my kids over to grandma's house for the extra hands. My life was better when she didn't come visit and I didn't have the disruption. Now I am not saying keep everyone away from you, but put up some boundries. The poop laying around, or at least the kids access to it would be a 'stopsign' for over night visits. You're strong! You can do it!

 

I try to let the grandparents have their way a bit too.. they should enjoy them and they can bend the rules.. in the scheme of things if you're getting some relief from taking care of the kids moving nap times around is not the end of the world. However, if their schedule is affected enough that they're harder to deal with when they come home, then I would be mad and probably lay down the law.

It took me a long time to turn a blind eye to grandparents 'help'. I'd get SO frustrated every time my parents came over because they just ignored my rules all the time. It wasn't worth the constant fight all the time, so now the only thing that they 'have' to do is observe health and safety rules. So for me, I would not tolerate the smoking and the puppy pads. My kids have had food allergies and my dad does not check ingredients before he feeds them things. I had to come to the point where I told my parents that they couldn't watch them unless they started checking labels and/or asking me first. Harsh, I know, but I can't risk my kids' safety. In your situation, I would probably tell them how much I appreciate that they're willing to take the kids one night a week, but if they can't ensure that the kids aren't breathing in smoke and staying out of dog poop then you're going to have to decline. Be direct. :grouphug:

 

This is a tough one! I struggle with my MIL. I like what MichB said - that it is good for kids to be exposed to different people and routines. That's what I told myself with my MIL. I said to myself that my kids are going to have to learn and this is life. EXCEPT for health/safety, or things that are very important to me. Maybe make a list for yourself of things that you have to accept, and the things that are "inconvenient". Then, start saying this when you get frustrated:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

I say that to myself all the time!

 

The smoking in the house would be a big issue for me. I don't think I would allow my kids in any home that smells like smoke. As far as the schedule, you can give them an idea of what you do at home, but I don't think you can expect them to follow it exactly. I think the babysitting or pre-school co-op is a good idea.

 

I'm just soo grateful for the one day a week I get, I don't care what they do w/ them! We sort of have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and always have. As long as they aren't getting their routine messed w/ 3 or more days a week, I'd try to let it go. They aren't going to change.

 

You know, the only thing that i would really not allow would be the smoking, that is just not on at all in the house while the children are around.
But, really, apart from that, I think that the rest isn't a major deal at all, i mean, picking up the girls and having the routine slightly different to the one you have with them is really not that bad. I mean at least you have two sets of grandparents willing to look after your babies, sometimes for a few hours and you mentioned a night every week!! That is just wonderful, and a big help, i think i would let these things slide, they are grandparents, and obviously love your girls. Me and my DH are on our own, he works and i am a SAHM, my ILs are abroad and i have no family of my own. We always look after the 4 kiddos on our own, we never had a night kids free EVER, and on the very rare occasions we had to both go to a meeting, we asked a friend. We have never had any help at all, i would be very grateful to have such willing people helping out and as i said the only real issue i see is the smoking, that is not on and you should talk with your dad seriously about that and asking him to either keep it to outside or one room the kiddos don't go into while they visit. They are grandparents, they have done all the parenting bits before, now they want to be able to enjoy and "spoil" their grandkids a bit i think.

 

This is always a tough situation. Currently, we have the grandparents come here, rather than take them anywhere (they all live 30-45 minutes away). Luckily, this works for everyone (and a good reason is that it's flu season and we don't want to be lugging the boys out and about). It seems easier to keep everything on schedule when it's on our own turf (granted, they don't do everything the way we would). Is this an option for you (you could have meals already prepared, etc.)? You mentioned they do an overnight. Could you switch it to a full day at your place when you could go out? Honestly, I think my biggest reason for suggesting it is the cigarette smoke. Under no circumstances do I feel that children should be exposed to it, so having the grandparents at your place would solve at least that problem (I don't think you can expect them not to smoke in their own house).

 

I could have responded, but ITA with this.

I get that your are frustrated. DH & I are only children 1,200 miles away from our parents. It is doable without parental 'help'. Yes, you will have to find a babysitter sometimes, but you will also know that things will be done your way.

 

Our parents do not live nearby. My parents live a few hours away and my father smoked (he died recently COPD). He was on oxygen and would still smoke in the house unless we were visiting and then he would at least go out on the front porch. I didn't want to deny my father seeing the boys or me getting to see him his last year/months however we refused to spend the night at the house and the rule was he had to smoke outside when we were there. If my father had been in better health we would have asked them to come up to our house which doesn't smell and where my father smokes outside but he was dying and not able to travel much. When we would get to the hotel after spending the day at my parents we would strip the boys and ourselves shower and put on non smoky clothes. Your clothes pick up the smoke smell even though my dad wasn't smoking in the house. Yuck. Once we got home all our clothes went directly into the wash.

I'd ask them to come to your house and go out. Maybe just not as often as once a week. I hate smoking. It is harmful for the lungs not only of the smoker but for anyone around and breathing it secondhand. Even third hand smoke (on clothes) can be harmful. I hated exposing the boys to my parents house that smelled like smoke. It was a tough situation. Of course now my father is gone and their house no longer smells.

We do it without any help from parents weekly. And even when we are visiting grandparents (my parents) or the hubby's parents (they live out of state) come to visit we do not get much of a break since the boys are not used to them.