Dealing with a Strong Willed Child (DD)

My DD is definitely strong willed, and my DS is so much more laid back. The difference is almost night and day. They will soon be 3, and I am wondering what are some tricks you have learned about dealing with a strong willed child.

What would you recommend? How do you discipline your strong willed one?
What do you wish you would have started earlier to help with the behavior?
How do other family members deal with your strong willed child when they are playing?

I'd love to hear from those of you who have "been there, done that". Thanks, in advance.
~Cindy

 

I'm sorry, I don't have any real advice for you, but I'm sure someone here will. I don't really have a strong-willed child in my brood but I am sure there are some successful strategies in dealing with them. Just be patient. This forum does not get as much traffic as some others, but surely someone will pop in with some good ideas.

One thought that comes to mind in dealing with any young child is choice. I always gave my boys a choice in things to help with the "I don't want to" response common to many kids. For example, do you want to wear the red or the green shirt? Would you like beans or cauliflower for dinner? Do you want to brush your teeth first or put your pj's on first before we go to bed? That sort of thing. It lets them feel they have some sort of control over their own life but in reality Mom is still getting what she wants: a child dressed for the day, a child eating their veggies, or a child getting ready and going to bed.

 

Yes, choices are a great way to short-circuit the "I don't want to" response. Of course you might hear "I don't want to do either," lol.

Another thing is that you have to be willing to put up with a fuss. One of my girls is very strong-willed, and we also call her Loophole, because if there is one, she'll find it. Our rule is that if she wants to have a snit about something, she does it in her room because the rest of us don't want to listen to that. So she gets no reinforcement of any kind for that behavior. She still has her drama queen moments, but she takes herself off to her room and shuts the door and comes back when she's ready to behave.

I think she has a very similar personality to my SD (age 21), and no one took a firm hand with SD, who serves as an inspiration in what not to do.

If you are going to say "no" to something, mean it, and be willing to stay calm and insist in a calm voice, repeatedly if necessary, that This Is How We Are Going to Do [Whatever].

Otherwise I use the same discipline (time out, removal of privileges) that I use for the others. Time out in our house is in a corner within earshot of the kitchen timer. She visits the time-out corner more often than her sister, but not all the time by any means. She'll usually discover a new limit (she is 5 now) test it two or three times, realize that I am serious about this limit, and move on to other pursuits.

 

Ruby and Kim gave some great advice.

My boys aren't particularly strong willed, but my niece is, and so is S&K's best buddy's sister, and like Ruby I can tell you what NOT to do: do not say no several times and then cave when she cries/screams/begs/negotiates. All that gets you is more crying/screaming/begging/negotiating the next time you say no. Say no and mean it, and if she cries/screams send her to her room to do it by herself. Or in to a time out.

It may feel like a losing, endless battle, but the more firm you are now, the easier it'll be down the road.

 

Thanks for your replies. I am already doing what you have mentioned - offering choices and holding my ground when I say no, and dh is doing the same. I'd love to hear any other suggestions you might have. These help keep me on track.

Thanks much.

 

I just wanted to mention (having just gotten off the phone with my strong-willed, but successful, sister) that the point isn't to "change" your daughter into a different kind of person. Being strong-willed will serve her very well as an adult -- provided she's raised to expect and deal with limitations. It's not so fun raising a strong-willed child, but keeping the big picture in mind might help you pace yourself. Does that make sense?

 

Besides choices, and sticking to what you say I have noticed with my daughter Katrina who is very strong willed that sleep plays a part in it. If she is over tired she is more likely not to listen and just not do anything you want her to do and fight you on it. So we still have naps in our house. Also a routine helps her too, so she knows what is coming. One other thing I do is to let her know in advance that in 10 minutes we are going go brush our teeth or when this show is over you are going down for a nap. I will remind her frequently, like after 10min it's 5 then in 2 min. So she knows what is coming and I have noticed I don't get as much as a fuss from her. Now we still have the breakdowns and fights but not as much. She gets more times outs than her sister especially it seems one week out of the month is always worse for her where she is in timeout atleast 3 or 4 times a day almost everyday.

 

QUOTE(Ellen Barr @ Jan 4 2008, 11:28 AM) [snapback]557433[/snapback]
I just wanted to mention (having just gotten off the phone with my strong-willed, but successful, sister) that the point isn't to "change" your daughter into a different kind of person. Being strong-willed will serve her very well as an adult -- provided she's raised to expect and deal with limitations. It's not so fun raising a strong-willed child, but keeping the big picture in mind might help you pace yourself. Does that make sense?


That definitely makes sense. Thanks for mentioning that because I'm sure there are times I forget.

 

QUOTE(Becky02 @ Jan 4 2008, 11:53 AM) [snapback]557476[/snapback]
Besides choices, and sticking to what you say I have noticed with my daughter Katrina who is very strong willed that sleep plays a part in it. If she is over tired she is more likely not to listen and just not do anything you want her to do and fight you on it. So we still have naps in our house. Also a routine helps her too, so she knows what is coming. One other thing I do is to let her know in advance that in 10 minutes we are going go brush our teeth or when this show is over you are going down for a nap. I will remind her frequently, like after 10min it's 5 then in 2 min. So she knows what is coming and I have noticed I don't get as much as a fuss from her. Now we still have the breakdowns and fights but not as much. She gets more times outs than her sister especially it seems one week out of the month is always worse for her where she is in timeout atleast 3 or 4 times a day almost everyday.


Thank you. This is very helpful too. I appreciate your suggestions. I agree with the naps, and have noticed the same thing here. I don't plan on giving those up anytime soon, and I sure hope they don't plan on it either. Sometimes I offer reminders of upcoming events, but not often enough. I'll give that a try and see how it works. Oh, I just love these new ideas. Thanks so much!

 

I just wanted to say that we have one "strong willed" child and the other laid back and compliant. At the core, they both are truly loving and sweet children but are just "wired" very differently.

As a parent, responding appropriately to a child who has an easy temperament is relatively simple. In contrast, when faced with the frustrations of managing a strong-willed child, you are more likely to yell or use other less-than-ideal parenting strategies. So you do have to have to form different techniques in how to respond to them so that you can guide them down the right path.

Like Ellen said, the traits of a strong-willed child can become strengths. DH and I both know this all too well!! In both of our families, we were known as the "strong willed" children...(and still are!) However, I do have to say that it has served us well in life. Our parents obviously did a great job in guiding us the right way. DH and I were tops of our class, were involved in tons of activities and have always had a large circle of friends. We both excelled in our adult professions.

I found many useful pearls in a few used books that I found on Amazon.com. "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child" and "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child". Over this last year, I believe that DH and I have learned how to better respond to our son's personality and it does seem less challenging. It just takes a bit more energy. Something must be working, since upon entering preschool this year, their teacher comments how both boys are very compliant and cooperative children! Pheww! Those words are great to hear!!!!

 

QUOTE(Debb-i @ Jan 6 2008, 03:06 PM) [snapback]559959[/snapback]
I just wanted to say that we have one "strong willed" child and the other laid back and compliant. At the core, they both are truly loving and sweet children but are just "wired" very differently.

As a parent, responding appropriately to a child who has an easy temperament is relatively simple. In contrast, when faced with the frustrations of managing a strong-willed child, you are more likely to yell or use other less-than-ideal parenting strategies. So you do have to have to form different techniques in how to respond to them so that you can guide them down the right path.

Like Ellen said, the traits of a strong-willed child can become strengths. DH and I both know this all too well!! In both of our families, we were known as the "strong willed" children...(and still are!) However, I do have to say that it has served us well in life. Our parents obviously did a great job in guiding us the right way. DH and I were tops of our class, were involved in tons of activities and have always had a large circle of friends. We both excelled in our adult professions.

I found many useful pearls in a few used books that I found on Amazon.com. "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child" and "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child". Over this last year, I believe that DH and I have learned how to better respond to our son's personality and it does seem less challenging. It just takes a bit more energy. Something must be working, since upon entering preschool this year, their teacher comments how both boys are very compliant and cooperative children! Pheww! Those words are great to hear!!!!


Thanks Debbi. I'll check out those books. They sound like great resources. And, I appreciate your input too.